There is a particular kind of guy that can just be SO attractive, handsome, magnetic and make you want to faint – he seems so wonderful! It’s as if he’s too good to be true! This is the kind of guy that seems a lot more masculine than others, very confident (maybe to the point of arrogance), aggressive, completely sure of himself, and he knows what he’s doing with girls. He’s so attentive in the beginning – and he gives the most powerful compliments. He seems to understand how to use words in the most romantic ways. It’s easy to talk with him for hours about everything in the world! He seems to just sweep you off your feet. Infatuation seems impossible to avoid. He’s intoxicating!
But please be VERY CAREFUL here! Sometimes all the attention and compliments can quickly turn to control in a scary way. This is why it is a good idea to keep guys at arms’ length for months or longer while you determine the true nature of their character. The time to get out of a situation like this is as soon as you recognize it is happening – preferably before you commit anything to him. Things will get worse if you date a controlling/possessive man! Don’t get married thinking he will change!!!!
Guys usually do not change. Marriage will only MAGNIFY a guy’s faults not make them better! Expect the things you don’t like to be worse after you get married. That is reality! When you plan to marry a guy, be able to respect and accept him without expecting him to change AT ALL!!! Living with a controlling tyrant of a guy is like being in prison and the longer you are there, the more impossible it can be to escape!
Some warning signs that a guy is too controlling in a dangerous way and NOT a healthy choice for a boyfriend or future husband include if he:
- tells you what to wear and what not to, not as a suggestion or his preference but “You WILL wear this if you are going to be seen with me.”
- tells you that you must commit to marriage or an exclusive relationship quickly – within days or a few weeks of meeting him.
- tells you that you hair/weight/make-up/clothing MUST be a certain way. Insists you lose weight, have surgery, re-do your hair after you’ve already gotten ready, tells you what you can and can’t eat, tells you that you have to run so many laps or tries to make you do a certain exercise routine so that you will be attractive enough for him. This is not love! This is a very controlling, selfish, possibly narcissistic guy and these are danger signs.
- begins to extract you from the other relationships in your life until it is just you and this guy. He doesn’t want you to be close to your family or to your friends or people at church. None of your friends or family meet his standards. He is critical of them.
- extremely jealous of any attention you show to other guys. Now, most healthy guys are going to be upset if you flirt with other guys. That’s not what I am saying here. But if he is checking your phone, constantly verifying your location, interrogating you about every conversation you have with other guys even at work or school or church… this can be a big red flag.
- If he gets physically violent with you even one time- GET OUT!!!! Tell your parents, get godly, experienced help right away! Talk to your pastor or youth/college leader. If he pushes you hard, grabs you and causes bruises, hits you, punches you, slaps you, wrestles with you in a really rough way that causes major pain or purposely causes you any kind of physical injury – this is a VERY DANGEROUS relationship! Godly guys do not do this! They just don’t. They might get mad, but they don’t physically hurt a woman. A man with an uncontrollable, violent temper does not improve after marriage. You can expect the violence to get much worse.
Please don’t make excuses for him!! It’s not your fault! Being disrespectful can make things a lot worse, but HE is responsible for not reacting with violence toward you no matter what you say. And YOU, precious girl, CANNOT CHANGE HIM! REALLY!!!! Your love won’t make him better, you can’t “save” him… you will just be his main target. I WISH so much that girls understood that men generally don’t change. You can’t change them. Your love isn’t enough to make them into what you wish they were. Your admiration can inspire a man, but you have no control over him. If he has a terrible temper, if he goes into rages, if he is violent, if he is incredibly suspicious/possessive/jealous those are his characteristics and he will bring that into your relationship and into any relationship he has with anyone. That is the only way he knows how to be. I PROMISE it will only get worse after you get married and he feels like he can let his guard down more. When you live with an angry man, he will be angry no matter what you do. And you will be in danger. Your children will be in even greater danger than you are. That is NOT the life God desires you to have!
- stalks you and has to know where you are and watch you at work or school… not a good sign!!!! Talk to your parents or pastor. Get help immediately if this is happening in your relationship!
- tries to force you into sexual situations that make you uncomfortable. A godly guy will be a total gentleman and never force himself on you at all. A godly guy will respect your body, your sexuality and your words like “no.” He will be looking out for your best interests. A guy who tries to make you do things he wants you to do doesn’t care about your sexual/emotional/spiritual well-being and is not a guy who is worthy of your trust or your love at all.
- Tells you that you must “submit” to him, you must “obey” him and makes unreasonable demands that you can’t humanly meet, yet he still is harsh and insists you must do as he says. Tries to control your schedule, your housecleaning skills, your wardrobe, your diet, your time management, your relationships with other people, your physical appearance, your personality, your feelings, your money, your thoughts, etc. Treats you like you are his property and like you don’t own yourself. That is not the beautiful design God has for marriage. He doesn’t force Himself on us. It’s His kindness, mercy, forgiveness and grace that draw us to Him. Those are the qualities to look for in a guy, too!
If you find yourself in a relationship like this – you need to get out for your own safety! This is NOT a godly man. This is NOT a man who will make a loving, Christ-like husband. This is a man who is likely to hurt and abuse you – regardless of how charming he is when he’s not angry. This guy doesn’t know how to change. He is relating in the only way he can. Your words will not phase him or alter his character!
Please talk to a pastor, youth director, college minister, or parent and form a plan. You may need help leaving a guy like this, especially if he has already become physically abusive. He may increase his violence and threats against you if you try to leave. Don’t do this on your own. Make sure you have all the support you need – and you may need support from the police, as well. It will need to be a clean break. Don’t try to keep in touch with him. You cannot be friendly here. It will feel like you are being rude. That’s ok. Your safety is at risk! God has so much more for you than living as if you are in prison with a tyrant controlling your every move!
Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Proverbs 9:7-8
A righteous man (or woman) is cautious in friendship. Proverbs 12:26
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. Proverbs 12:16
(She) who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. Proverbs 13:20
A quick-tempered man does foolish things. Proverbs 14:17
The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil. Proverbs 15:28
He who loves a quarrel loves sin. Proverbs 17:19
A fool finds no pleasure in understanding (his girl) but delights in airing his own opinions. Proverbs 18:2
A prudent (girl) sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it. Proverbs 22:3
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. Proebrs 22:24-25
Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words. Proverbs 23:9
An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins. Proverbs 29:22