My Parents Don’t Approve of my Boyfriend/Fiance

Posted on May 2, 2012 by


This is a tough situation.  The way a godly young woman would handle this scenario is going to depend upon her age, her personal spiritual maturity, the issues at stake with her boyfriend/fiance and her parents’ spiritual maturity as believers.

YOUR PARENTS ARE GOD’S AGENTS OF AUTHORITY TO PROTECT YOU

In general, your parents love you more than any other human on the face of the earth and usually truly want the best for you.  If you are still under your parents’ roof or receiving financial help from them for school – they are in authority over you.  Some would argue that your parents have authority over you until you are married.  So – it is IMPORTANT to listen to your parents’ concerns.

What are your parents’ concerns?  If they have an issue with something related to your guy’s faith in God, his character, his motives toward you, your safety, his ability to provide financially for you, a drug addiction, an alcohol addiction, a criminal record, no ability to find a decent paying job, laziness,  no desire to find a job, a severely disturbed childhood, a gambling problem, severe mental health issues, a record of infidelity or immorality, addiction to pornography or video games, irresponsibility, immaturity, selfishness or a significant sin habit that enslaves him - these major issues are concerns that you would be wise to listen and hear your parents’ arguments.  And you would do well to put immediate breaks on your relationship with this man while you seek godly counsel.  He may need to show a SERIOUS change of heart and back that up with months or even years of good behavior to show he is a changed man in Christ before you could trust a man with some of these problems to be a godly husband.

IF YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT BELIEVERS OR ARE WEAK BELIEVERS IN CHRIST

God still uses even unbelieving parents, kings and husbands to accomplish His will in the lives of His children.  If at all possible, try to hear your parents’ concerns and really take them to heart.  Pray about them.  Seek godly counsel about their issues with your guy.  They (and God) could be trying to spare you from horrific heartache and pain down the road.  It is worth your time to hear them and at least consider their criticisms of your guy – no matter how painful it is to listen right now.

IF YOUR PARENTS ARE STRONG BELIEVERS IN CHRIST

Then their opinion needs to count even more!  They can see things that you might not be able to see in guys.  Your vision may easily be clouded by emotion and feelings.  Theirs is not!  They are looking out for your best interests and may have valid issues with a guy who might be throwing some red flags at them that you can’t see.

Again, I would encourage you to carefully listen to your parents’ concerns.  Pray about them.  Be willing to say, “Your will, Lord, not mine, be done.”  If you can’t do this – it’s time to consider if this guy is an idol in your life.  Seek God’s best for you and don’t get too attached to the outcome or a particular answer.  It is better to find out SOONER that a guy is not good for you than to marry him and realize too late that this was the biggest mistake of your life.

WHAT IF THEY ARE WRONG?

If your parents’ concerns are more subjective and personal preferences – you can certainly listen to their feelings.  And you can thank them for their insight and still pray about what they tell you.  But if they just don’t like your man because of his background, his race, his accent, because he’s a Yankee, because he isn’t going to be a doctor,  his haircut or superficial kinds of things – then you may have a case against their disapproval.

If you are younger, it’s probably wise not to commit yourself to marriage anyway until you are actually able to get married, but especially use caution with a man that does not meet the approval of your parents.  This is not to say you can’t be with this guy.  You can CALMLY talk with your parents about the positives you see in your guy and you can certainly respectfully talk with them about their criticisms and how your concerns are his character and relationship with Christ, his responsibility, his dependability, his faithfulness, his morality, etc.   But if they really don’t like him, understand that this may be a source of conflict and contention throughout your married life if you choose to marry this man eventually.

Your parents may never like your guy as much as you do.  Or, they may change their mind as they get to know him.  You can pray that God will grant your guy favor with your parents.  You may have to be patient as they get to know each other better and hopefully get along better in time.

Ultimately – it’s your decision, and you’ll do well to seek God’s best for you.  But be sure you give proper weight to your parents’ concerns (depending on the severity of them) and don’t immediately dismiss their criticisms of your man as untrue.  Check carefully to be sure God is not trying to speak to you through your parents with a warning about this guy. Be ABSOLUTELY sure that this is a guy you can respect “as is”.  Don’t plan to change him after you marry him!   Don’t try to rescue a lost puppy or think that your love will “make” him a better man.  THAT DOES NOT WORK!  Only marry a man you can respect easily when you are dating and/or engaged! His faults will be greatly magnified after marriage! (Yours will, too.)  We can’t change people.  Only God’s Spirit can do that.

Make sure your guy loves Jesus WAY more than he loves you!!!!  And make sure you love Jesus WAY more than you love your man!  I pray God might grant you wisdom, direction, insight and light for your path - that you might find His perfect will for you and never have regrets about this HUGE decision!

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