Choosing a Guy – A General Overview

Posted on March 17, 2012 by

One One of the biggest decisions any girl will make, other than the decision to follow Christ, is to choose a guy to date or court.  This one decision will profoundly impact the quality and direction of the rest of a girl’s life for good or bad.  It’s easy to follow the world’s ways in this area and go for the guys who are the most popular, the coolest, the cutest…  But where do you want to end up 10-20 years after you get married?

The time to consider where your path will lead with a guy is ideally before you even become romantically involved.  As you do get to know him, it’s critical to scrutinize the character of any guy before you are engaged and WAY before you get married!

Now is the time to learn about men – how they think, what they need, what is godly femininity and masculinity, what turns men off, what you need as a girl in a romantic relationship, and how to choose God’s path for sexuality, dating, courting, marriage and beyond.  If you do not consciously look at all the issues surrounding marriage and motherhood well in advance, you will make decisions later that you could easily come to regret.


Now is also the time to delve into God’s purposes for you while you are on the planet!  According to the Bible, all people are designed to bring glory to God, that is our ultimate purpose.  Some of the ways we do that are to consider our core callings as people and as women.  From Shaunti Feldhahn’s “The Life Ready Woman” the three major callings of God to people are:

1. To leave your parents and cleave (cling to) your spouse – to become mature adults who develop deep, lasting companionship in marriage

2. To be fruitful and multiply- to raise up and launch a healthy, godly next generation into the world (this can be through raising children later or through being a mentor, teacher and friend to those younger than you)

3. To subdue and rule the earth – to advance God’s kingdom purposes beyond our home into the world in the ways God gifts and calls us to.


(from Shaunti Feldhahn’s “The Life Ready Woman”)

1. To help and complete a man – to complement him, to build him up, to embrace his masculinity and to use your powerful femininity to make him even stronger.

2. To influence your setting – to bring the influence of beauty, warmth, purity and a “civilizing spirit” to wherever you are.

3. To nurture life – women are designed by God to carry babies, to feed babies, and to nurture children physically but also to nurture those around them emotionally and spiritually.  “We have a special ability to be empathetic and a lover of others, especially of a man and of children.  Women have a relational stregnth of loving, nurturing, caring and empathy at our core.  Our brains have a structure and hormone mix that are even designed specifically for it!”

4. To bring special wisdom and perspective – “our feminine design gives us as women a unique ability to influence what others do, think and even how they feel about themselves.  What an amazing responsibility!”

5. To multitask –  “Our brains are literally wired completely differently from men … so that we can be thinking about and doing many ‘surface’ things at once.  By contrast, men’s brains are wired to make them really good at doing or thinking deeply about one thing at a time.”

You also have your own personal callings, talents and abilities that God will use uniquely to impact the world for His glory!


Marriage is a picture designed by God of mystery of the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-33).  The husband represents a picture of the self-sacricicing love of Jesus in his marriage and the wife represents a picture of the adoration, reverence and willing submission to the leadership of the church to Jesus in her marriage.

To be clear, all men are sinners.  None of them can ever accurately portray the true diety and perfection of Christ.  But God designed marriage to be a living parable of Christ and the church and these are the origins of the concepts of real masculinity and femininity.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?  Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?… What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?   II Corinthians 6:14-15


Girls tend to not notice a guy’s flaws when they are dating or engaged.  All those wonderful feelings of being in love can make a guy’s temper, or his beliefs about God, or the way he treats other people, or his selfishness not be quite so noticable.  Or some girls can get so focused on the feelings of being in love and the physical chemistry with a guy, that they don’t even see the guy’s problem areas.  This is why GOING VERY SLOWLY physically is so important!  Keeping your guy at arms’ length will INCREASE his respect for you and help him understand that you respect yourself, God and your sexuality.  Setting a snail’s pace physically will also give you lots of ability to actually see the guy for who he really is, to see if he has your best interest at heart, or if he is only interested in fulfilling his own selfish desires.  And if you do decide the guy is NOT for you, you will have so much less heartache the less you have given of yourself physically to him.  You will NEVER regret going slowly sexually.  But you will almost certainly regret giving too much before marriage.  It is the most amazing feeling in the world to get to your wedding night with your sexual purity in tact, the most beautiful gift a woman could ever give a man, and to stand before him confidently knowing you did things God’s way and saved yourself for him, for this moment, and for the godly confines of marriage!

So many of us think WE CAN CHANGE MEN after we get married.  THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!!!!  This is one of the biggest lies, in my opinion, that women tend to believe.  WE CANNOT CHANGE OUR MEN!   Be sure you can accept your guy exactly as he is right now even if he never changed at all.  That is the way to finding a great relationship and a solid marriage!

If you are going into a serious dating relationship with the idea that YOU are in control and that YOU will call the shots and that YOU will change your guy and make him love God more, read the Bible more, be more kind, be less selfish, be less greedy, be more generous, be more/less anything – you are going to be extremely devastated!  And you are going to disgust your man and annoy him to no end.  This road of thinking you can “save” a lost puppy ends with disaster.  You can influence a man, but you cannot change a man.  DO NOT THINK YOU CAN MAKE YOUR GUY BECOME A BELIEVER LATER.  Do not even think about dating a guy who doesn’t love Christ with all his heart, soul, mind and strength!  Ask the hard questions up front!  LOOK FOR THE FRUIT OF GOD’S WORK AND SPIRIT IN HIS LIFE!!!!!!

If he doesn’t pray with you before you get married, he’s not going to pray with you afterward (unless God does something REALLY HUGE in his life!).  If he doesn’t want to go to church before you get married, he won’t want to go afterward, and he probably won’t want you to go either.  If he doesn’t read his Bible and really pursue God before marriage, he will not suddenly start doing this just because you marry him!  He must have the godly qualities you desire already inside of him.

When you are married, your husband will represent Christ to you whether is is a believer, a wordly Christian or an unbeliever.  The farther away he is from God, the more painful your marriage will be!  I PROMISE YOU that it is not worth it to date a guy who doesn’t wholeheartedly follow Christ!


Guys are on their best behavior when they are dating and engaged.  After you get married, a guy will let down his guard much more and you will see all of his faults and flaws magnified dramatically!!!  The time to be critically evaluating a man’s character is before you date him, during dating or courting and during engagement.  Of course, no guy is perfect.  But please understand that you will not make a guy better after you get married.  You will not change him.  If he has a terrible temper, that will be much worse after you get married.  If he is selfish, you will find that he is worse after you get married.  Any character flaw in your man that you see before marriage will be MUCH, MUCH more noticable after marriage.  You must be prepared to deal with that!

Does your man have the character of Christ?  Look for evidence of the Spirit in his life:

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Galatians 5:22

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  I Corinthians 13:4-7

Look for a guy who loves God’s Word!  Look for a guy who has godly friends.  Look for a guy who is kind to waitresses and customer service people and to his mom.  Look for a guy who loves kids and animals.  Look for a guy with a great sense of humor, who is emotionally stable and mature.  Look for a guy who will not compromise his principles and who holds your purity in great esteem, who will fight to protect your honor and won’t allow himself to take advantage of you.

Be sure your parents think the world of your guy if at all possible!  They can be a huge resource to see the flaws in your man that you may not notice.  Listen to them.  Embrace their suggestions and comments and carefully consider whether God may be speaking to you through them!


If you can’t respect your guybefore you get married, PLEASE do not marry him!!  The thing a man needs most in marriage is the faith, admiration, trust, and respect of his wife.  Your love does not empower him or motivate him.  It is your trust in him, your belief in him as a man, your respect for him in every aspect of his masculinity that lights him up and encourages him to be his best.  You MUST have a foundation of respect to build on or you will have a very painful, very difficult road ahead.


In marriage, God designates the husband as the spiritual head and authority over the wife and children.  (Ephesians 5:22-33)  He is responsible to God for leading the family and ultimately making the decisions.  It takes a lot of faith and trust in your husband and in God to allow your husband to lead as he should.  Your input is vital.  Hopefully he will consider your feelings and desires.  You do need to know your own mind and heart and be able to respectfully express your concerns and feelings.  But ultimately, you must be willing to go with your husband’s decision and support him even when you disagree (unless he is asking you to sin or go against God’s word, then you must be able to stand respectfully and firmly against him).

Before you get married, I would strongly recommend that you take some serious time to learn what it means to be  a good follower.  Consider whether you trust your guy to lead you safely.  Is he responsible?  Is he dependable?  Is he trustworthy?  Does he have a criminal record?  Does he tend to cheat on things without any conscience?  Look carefully at his character!

Once you get married and have the pressures and stress of daily life and running a household and a family, it is too late to decide that your man’s character is lacking.  At that point, you will have to use your powerful godly femininity to influence him subtly, but you cannot change him!  You will largely have to accept him as is once you are married.  If he is a poor leader, or irresponsible with money, or greedy, or spiteful, or has an uncontrollable temper – you will be stuck.  So will your children.


Decide ahead of time that your sexual purity, your virginity and innocence are your most precious resource and gift from God as a woman.  Ask your parents to help protect you and help you make wise choices!   Have an older woman for accountability that you talk to weekly.  Don’t allow yourself time alone behind closed doors with your guy – the temptations are too great!  Be out in public together, be with your family together.  Know your convictions ahead of time and stay as far away from the slippery cliff of sexual temptation as possible.  Live your life so that you have no regrets!  Do things God’s way and you will be full of His joy and peace, you will be fulfilled and blessed!

Spend LOTS of time in God’s Word, studying, praying, asking Him to renew your mind and to make you be more and more like Christ.  It is only by His power that you can live an abundant life.  Keep your soul clean before Him.  Confess your sins daily to God.  Have godly girlfriends and mentors around you.  Seek God’s face above everything else and He will guide you wisely!