The Biggest Secret about Guys that God Wants You to Know!

Posted on March 30, 2012 by


There are plenty of magazines out there for young women that claim to have a corner on the secret world of guys.  But, sadly, they often give advice that is not very helpful.

The Creator of men and women is the only One Who can tell you what guys REALLY need and how to have the most fulfilling, satisfying, romantic, wonderful, lifelong relationship!  The Bible seems like an unlikely source for romantic wisdom to many girls – but I promise you, it will lead you to the life you were created for, the life God designed for you – the abundant life of Christ!

Here is THE BIGGEST SECRET about guys that most girls know nothing about.  


Like Dr. Eggerichs  (“Love and Respect”) says:  without love > A wife  reacts > without respect > a husband reacts > without love  and the cycle goes on and on.

Thankfully, when we follow God’s pattern for marriage and romance, the opposite is also true:  her respect > motivates > his love > motivates > her respect   THIS is a HUGE biblical key to success between women and men!

Men and women both need love and respect.  We ought ALL to be giving love and respect to all other people out of reverence and love for Christ.

For most men, respect is the greater need of the two – if they had to choose one over the other. And for most women, love is the greater need of the two. (Check out the surveys Dr. Eggerichs did in the beginning of the book and also Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only.”)  Men often need respect to feel loved.   This is a mind-blowing concept for many women!  We think that guys are basically the same as us and think and feel like we do.  But there can actually be quite a number of differences in the way that men and women think and how we look at the world.

In a romantic relationship, please only date a godly man  you can genuinely respect and admire on a fundamental level.  Be sure you can accept a man exactly as he is without wanting to try to change him.  Choose a guy who is full of God’s Spirit and has the fruit of His Spirit in His life (Galatians 5:22-23) and be sure that you are living completely for Christ and are full of His Spirit, too!  A man who loves Jesus with all of his heart will be humble, kind, patient, loving, respectful, caring, merciful, truthful… Christlike!  A woman who loves Jesus with all of her heart will also have those beautiful qualities of Christ as well as a gentle, peaceful spirit and will do what is right, without giving way to hysterical fear (I Peter 3:3-6).

Sometimes we have no idea why things aren’t working well in our relationships with our men.  We try to give them love the way we would want love.  Or maybe we start to try to make them show us the love and affection we want, and don’t realize that we might be coming across as a bit controlling.   Our men pull away from us or get angry and we have no idea why. (Check out God’s design for marriage Ephesians 5:22-33)


Each man will have his own ideas about what is disrespectful/respectful to him.  Here are some general examples.

  • telling him what to do/how to do it/when to do it
  • having a critical spirit and constantly putting him down with criticism
  • acting holier-than-thou, thinking you are better than he is, more spiritual, etc.
  • jumping in to help if he didn’t ask you for help (can be seen as insulting)
  • asking “why?”  “Why would you do it THAT way?”  (implies you think he is not smart)
  • putting him down in front of other people, or behind his back
  • joking at his expense
  • complaining about something he spent time and effort doing for you
  • demanding he do something
  • body language like rolling your eyes, sighing, huffing, hands on hips, fingers tapping, throwing your hands up in the air  – like you think he is an idiot
  • using an angry mother tone of voice
  • scolding him
  • verbally attacking him
  • not dropping an issue – continuing to pressure him and push him and not letting something go that he doesn’t want to talk about right then
  • expecting him to talk RIGHT NOW about some very important issue (some men need a bit of time to think before they are ready to talk)
  • bringing up past sins of his that you had forgiven already
  • comparing him to other men
  • flirting with other men when you are in a committed relationship with him
  • thinking that your feelings are more important or valid than his feelings
  • thinking that you are “always right” and therefore he is “always wrong”
  • yelling, throwing things, cussing, hitting  (this stuff is EXTREME disrespect – please do NOT go there!)
  • labeling his weaknesses and sins as much worse than yours – thinking you are morally superior to him
  • making a really small issue more important than the relationship
  • correcting him
  • taking over and trying to force him to do things
  • texting/calling him constantly – especially when he doesn’t respond back
  • interrogating him
  • acting suspicious and spying on him
  • assuming the worst about him
  • putting him before God in your heart (idolizing him)
  • trying to change him
  • acting like his being a guy is wrong instead of just different from being a girl
  • answering for him
  • apologizing and then saying, “BUT if you had done X…”  (that negated the apology!)
  • idolizing him and expecting him to be 100% responsible for your happiness instead of finding your own joy and contentment fully in Christ
  • being a black hole of unending neediness and insecurity
  • acting like he can’t handle something and is incompetent, incapable, irresponsible, etc.


This list will vary somewhat from individual to individual.   But here are some general suggestions to get you started of how to show respect for your man:

  • tell him things you admire about him sometimes (just a sentence or two several times a week maybe – men don’t like tons of words usually like we do)
  • praise him when you like what he does or the way he does something
  • look at him with genuine adoration and faith in your eyes – that is intoxicating to him!
  • accept him as he is, don’t try to change him
  • let him make his own decisions – don’t try to FORCE him into what you want
  • ask him politely for what you want, with a pleasant tone of voice and a smile – and graciously accept whatever his answer is.  You don’t control him.
  • be responsible for your own emotional well-being and find your joy in Christ primarily.  Don’t make an idol out of your man, or the idea of a relationship or marriage – meaning, “I have to have X from him, or I cannot be happy.”  If I am trying to find my contentment in life in a man or relationship instead of ultimately in Christ, I am going to be discontent a lot.
  • listen to him and be interested in what he has to say, stop what you are doing and really pay attention
  • don’t interrupt him
  • speak well of him to everyone – in front of him AND behind his back
  • dress femininely and modestly – it speaks volumes about your respect for God, your appreciation of your own gift of femininity, your respect for yourself, your respect for your sexuality/purity and your respect for men and their visual temptations.
  • share your heart, feelings, concerns and desires calmly and politely – and possibly kind of briefly.  Some men do best with more of a bottom line, unemotional approach – it makes it easier for them to hear us.
  • speak well of his family to everyone
  • give him grace to be human
  • don’t expect your relationship to be like a Hollywood movie – that is often fantasy
  • tell him how handsome he is
  • tell him how proud you are of him
  • don’t try to figure out his problems for him – express your faith in him that you know HE will be able to figure them out and do a great job
  • don’t rush the relationship, don’t try to force him beyond what he is emotionally ready to commit to
  • appreciate that his time table on some things may be slower than yours – not wrong – but different
  • realize that he has wisdom to offer you and a new masculine perspective that just might make your world a better place
  • take his advice sometimes
  • share your wisdom and advice when he asks for it and allow him to work out his own solutions
  • accept his spiritual leadership style and don’t try to force him to lead the way you want him to
  • appreciate anything he gives to you or does for you – be grateful, smile and show him that you don’t take him for granted
  • smile a lot – genuinely
  • enjoy him
  • stay in the moment, don’t rush ahead to the future and try to have everything all planned out – trust God to take care of that stuff
  • don’t criticize his prayers or his relationship with God
  • don’t try to drag him to God – let him hear God’s voice for himself

As we learn what our men’s masculine needs are – and we learn to stop any disrespect (even the unintentional kind) and learn to use our words to encourage, build up, praise, strengthen and bless our men – we become more and more the godly women that Christ desires us to be and we inspire our men to become more and more the godly men God desires them to be.  The only way we can become godly women is when we seek Christ first and allow Him to flood our souls with His Spirit.  Then He gives us the power and strength to be able to walk in obedience to His Word and in close fellowship with Him.  He gives us a new heart and new mind.  We die to ourselves and our old ways of thinking and living and begin to truly live for Christ as LORD in our lives.  That is the pathway to His greatest peace and joy.