Use Great Discernment with Guy Friends. Some Guys are NOT Friend Material!

Posted on April 23, 2012 by


It’s so much easier sometimes to be friends with guys than with girls – especially in school.  They tend to be more fun, more accepting, more relaxed, and have a lot less drama going on.

When you are single – to a large degree you are free to be friends with lots of guys.  But I do want to encourage you to guard your heart carefully.  If you are going to spend a lot of time emailing, texting, talking to or being with a guy alone – PLEASE be sure that this guy is godly marriage material!!  I know that you might just think of him as a friend.  You may not be interested in him romantically.  But it is EASY for a friendship to develop into something more.  And it is EASY for a guy to act like he’s just your friend when he wants a lot more from you – and you may not ever notice his true motives!

I would encourage you NOT to be completely alone with a guy – honestly.  There is too much room for temptation.  You could be in a public place talking alone – I think that would be much wiser.  But to be in your room, your dorm room alone, a house alone, an office alone, a remote parking lot or car alone with any guy –  MAY NOT BE A WISE IDEA.

MODESTY

I would also encourage you to dress modestly around all guys all the time.  Even when you are dating.  Even when you are engaged.  Save your body for your husband when you are married!  Pray about how God would want you to dress and act modestly around guys.  This will probably mean that you don’t show cleavage.  It will probably mean that you don’t show too much of your legs.  It will probably mean you don’t show your belly.  It may mean that you don’t go swimming with guys – or that you cover up with a t-shirt and shorts while you swim.  Check out my articles on modesty to see how serious of an issue this is for many guys!   You want them to be able to see you as a person with a precious heart and soul.  If you are in a bikini, there are some guys who can look at you as if you are not even human – and just want your body, with no thought about your heart and soul.  Really.

And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes.  I Timothy 2:9

Pray that God might give you wisdom to honor Him and honor the way guys are so visually wired.  I am not here to give you rules, but to give you suggestions that might help point you toward living for Christ and honoring Him and to help you find some direction for your prayers and for your life.  Your decisions are ultimately between you and God.  You will be answering to Him one day, not to me!  But I do care about you and want to see you find God’s very best for your life!

I know that the things I am suggesting sound pretty strict.  I am advocating wisdom – not legalism.  There can be exceptions to standards at times if you are truly following God’s Spirit.  But if you are willing to guard your heart and your body – you will be available to the best godly guys and have the BEST choices of men to marry one day!  If you are not actively protecting yourself, it is really easy to end up with guys that you never intended to marry and to have to live with some heartbreaking consequences for the rest of your life.

THE DANGER ZONE OF MARRIED MEN FRIENDS

It is my belief that there is no reason for a single girl to have close friends (where there is much texting, emailing, calling or private conversations) that are married men.  A married man must keep his wife as his priority.  There needs to be a hedge of protection around every marriage that keeps others out to a large degree. It is EASY for a married man to confide in you, share feelings with you, see your admiration and acceptance of him and begin to have romantic feelings for you.  This is a recipe for disaster!  It happens SOOOOO EASILY!  If a married guy is not protecting his heart actively, the road to an affair is a wide and easy street to start down.  You can help him and yourself by not allowing yourself to get emotionally close to married men.

I would encourage you to seek God in prayer about specific relationships if there are some that could be questionable in your life.  But in general, I believe it is best to avoid private texting, private emailing, private phone calls and private alone time with married men and also with un-Christlike single men (even if they call themselves Christians).  Then you are avoiding even the appearance of evil.  You are limiting the chances for temptation.  You are preventing illicit feelings and infatuation from beginning and you are protecting YOUR heart and HIS heart from the devastating fall out of an emotional or sexual affair.

DO ALL YOU CAN TO AVOID DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR A MARRIED MAN!

For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
    and her speech is smoother than oil;
but in the end she is bitter as gall,
    sharp as a double-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
    her steps lead straight to the grave.  PROVERBS 5:3-5  (This applies to adulterous men, too!)

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.  I Cor 6:18

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.  Hebrews 13:4

Married men are NOT good dating material.  AT ALL.  EVER.  Things do NOT work out well for women who try to date married guys.  Even if he says they are going to get a divorce – he’s still with her.  God hates divorce.  Honor his covenant before God and his wife by leaving him alone.  He will do nothing but hurt you even if he says he loves you.  He may be exciting, charismatic, fun,  and seem to understand you better than anyone in the world – but HE IS NOT GOD’S WILL FOR YOU!  He is Satan’s will for you to crush and destroy your sexuality, your future godly marriage, your future as a mom, your future as a believer.  This is a road that leads only to heartache, pain, anger, torment, financial ruin, and potentially disease.  Look around at women who have chosen this path – are they full of the joy of Jesus?  Even if he did divorce his wife and end up with you – there will be tremendous strain on your relationship because of his first wife and his children with her.  There almost certainly will be LOTS OF DRAMA, ANGER, BITTERNESS, UNFORGIVENESS, RESENTMENT and HATRED NON-STOP.  This is not a godly environment for you.  This is NOT God’s best for you and your future children.

PROTECT YOUR HEART

Keep married men and even single men who are not completely on fire for Christ at arm’s length.  Don’t seek out their attention.  Don’t flirt with them.  Don’t spend a lot of time getting to know them.  Don’t give them lots of admiration and respect.  Be respectful and polite but keep fairly distant.  Don’t get into lots of deep discussions with them even if you are trying to witness to them.  This is dangerous ground!  If they are truly interested in accepting Christ, they will be happy to talk with you in public, or you can refer them to a godly guy you know!!  There are plenty of guys who would be happy to listen to you witness and act like they are agreeing with you just to keep you alone with them.  Not a good idea!  You must have your radar on and be listening to God’s Spirit and be ready to bolt if you see inappropriate behavior.

If things start to get awkward with a supervisor, a coworker, a friend, a family member, or any guy – try to get away.  You may have to tell him, “Please don’t talk to me like that.”  “Please don’t talk to me anymore.”  “Please don’t use language like that around me.”  Or you may have to leave.  If things are getting bad at work, and you have clearly and bluntly asked the guy to stop but he won’t – go to the next supervisor up and report him.  You protect yourself!  Don’t allow men to touch you if you aren’t comfortable with that.  Don’t let them say suggestive things or use vulgar language around you.  Don’t allow yourself to be surrounded by guys who don’t respect your godly femininity, purity, chastity and relationship with Jesus.

If you need help because some guy is coming on too strong – enlist your dad, your supervisor, a godly guy friend, a brother to help you.  Don’t hesitate to get reinforcements!

Lord,

Help each of these precious girls guard their hearts from tempting, ungodly guys.  Help them to avoid married men as close friends and avoid spending time alone with any guys according to Your wisdom.  Help them to understand the way guys think better.  Help them to embrace Your design for marriage and for masculinity and femininity.  Help them to have Your wisdom and discretion to guard their hearts from danger.

Amen!

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