My Worry Insults My Man and God – Part 2

Posted on May 11, 2012 by

Fear fuels worry.
Fear motivates me to try to control other people and God.
Fear cannot cause peace.
Fear does not know how BIG God is or see God clearly.
Fear leaves God and His sovereignty out of the picture. 
Fear causes me to doubt God and be a “double minded” person who is blown and tossed by the waves – and then I should not think I would receive anything from the Lord.
Faith and trust spring from love.
Perfect love casts out all fear.
I have to chose between worry or faith – I can’t have both!  It is a battle for which one will win my soul and my heart!  They are at opposite ends of the spectrum and the two don’t co-exist peacefully.
Laura Doyle describes in “The Surrendered Wife” that a woman can either try to have control in her relationship or she can have emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy (although let’s save the sexual part for marriage!) – they are opposites.  If you choose one, you can’t have the other.   That has certainly been my experience!
If I place myself as trying to be in charge of the marriage and trying to control my husband – I repel him.  I end up being very lonely in my marriage.  God designed him to be the head, the authority, the leader – so for a man to follow his wife he would have to be a very spiritually/emotionally unhealthy man.  I have heard it said, “The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can control!” 
A spiritually and emotionally healthy man would balk at his girlfriend or fiance trying to boss him around and control him.  And he should!  It’s a GOOD thing that he has a backbone and that he stands up for his convictions.  I’m SOOOOO THANKFUL now that my husband didn’t cave to my attempts to control and manipulate him.  What a BLESSING to have a husband who stood his ground against me when I was disrespectful, contentious and WRONG.  I am terrified to think what would have happened to me spiritually if he had catered to me and submitted to my will back then.
In the face of a controlling, anxious, worried, contentious woman, my man will either unplug and go passive or he will become angry and try to fight for his position of authority and for his honor.  These masculine honor/respect-driven tactics are not generally effective with controlling wives, but these are usually the strategies a disrespected man will employ – because this is how things work in a man’s world – unless he is filled with God’s Spirit.  Then he will be able to love his girl as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).  
(Yes, the man and woman should both be loving and respecting one another all the time – that is the ideal.  I am only addressing women here.  For more info for husbands about your roles in marriage, check out my husband’s blog at, or or read Ephesians 5:22-33 )
If I desire intimacy with my husband – then I must choose NOT to try to take control of the marriage and of him.  I have to give him a degree of personal freedom and release my grip on him, allowing him to make his own choices and decisions, allowing him to hear his own thoughts and God’s voice instead of my own.  I step back a bit and let him come to me, I don’t smother him.  I need an attitude that says, “Your will, not mine be done.”  (Unless he is asking me to endorse or commit sin.)  I want what is best for HIM and for US, not just for myself.   There is no place for selfishness in marriage!  Wanting what is best for ME and for US should be his goal, too – and if he feels I respect and trust him, then he will probably do everything he can to do what is truly best for me and our family.  I can tell my husband what I would like and want and about my feelings, but to order him around would get me some pretty pathetic results.  Believe me.  I’ve tried that.  I do NOT plan to go that route again! 
But when I am cooperative, and willing to follow and trust him, the most amazing transformation happens – he begins to really look out for what is best for me and wants to make me happy.  He becomes a better man, a more Christ-like man and a stronger leader as he sees my faith in him – and I become a better woman, more godly, more feminine, and develop peace and joy.  Interesting how my obedience to God in my marriage can begin to transform us BOTH, isn’t it?
The parallels with our relationship with Christ are so amazing.  For me to experience real intimacy and relationship in my marriage, my husband MUST see my faith in him as a man, my trust in him, my respect for him, and he must hear my praises for him – so many women have no idea where their power is with their men!  THIS is how a woman draws a man to herself and is what brings out the best in a man in marriage.  The wife represents the church and the husband represents Christ – this is one of God’s primary purposes for marriage, to demonstrate this sacred covenant relationship to the world and especially to our children!
It’s a similar scenario in our relationship with Christ.  I either choose to try to have control over God and my relationship with God (placing myself in the place of God – saying I am god.  I’m in charge.  This is all my responsibility.  Move out of my way, God!  I’ve got it handled!  You’re too small to be able to take care of this.  I need to worry about things and make it all work out) or I can have faith in Him.
Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.  Hebrews 11:6
If I choose worry – notice above when Jesus couldn’t do many miracles in Nazareth because of the people’s lack of faith.  And when He did do miracles, it was always in proportion to the person’s faith.  My faith in Christ opens the door for His power to be unleashed in my life.  If my faith is super small, Jesus can’t do much in my life.  When my faith is small, it means my picture of Him is small, and my picture of myself is HUGE.  I think I am in charge, not Him.  I don’t understand Who He really is! 
My level of faith is the knob that controls the flow of the Holy Spirit into my life.  I DO CONTROL THAT!  There’s something I can control! (Take note, recovering control freaks, like me!)  Am I letting Him gush into my heart full blast, or am I only allowing a tiny trickle in now and then?
When I choose to live by faith in Christ – then He is at liberty to do “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us.” Ephesians 4:20.  Then I can have the intimacy with Him I have always longed for.  He will draw near to me.  And all the resources of heaven are at His disposal when I come to Him respectfully, reverently and in awe to request His grace and mercy in my time of need.  I don’t dictate to Him!  I don’t demand.  I request with great thanksgiving and lots of praise for Who He is.   I seek His way, not my own.   I trust Him to do what is ultimately best for me and will bring Him the most glory. I delight in His presence.  I spend my day singing praises in my heart to Him.  I listen carefully and long to know Him more deeply.  And He cherishes, protects, provides for, leads and loves me with a deeper love than I have ever known.
How I pray that You will help us see that we do have control over our level of worry and that we must choose either worry or faith.  Help us to throw out worry, fear, control and sin.  Help us to embrace a more accurate and enormous picture of You and help us to put faith in the REAL You, not some impotent little image we have of You in our minds.  We want to know You more!  Open our eyes to see and know You, to be intimate with You, to be able to put our faith in You.  Let us be women of BIG FAITH.  Let us have those knobs adjusted so that worry is shut off and Your Spirit is blasting wide open into our lives each day.  Let us die to ourselves and to our sin and live for Christ!  Empower us by Your Spirit to become the godly women, believers, wives and mothers You most desire us to be.  Let us shine brightly for Your kingdom!  Heal our marriages.  Let us bless our husbands and children greatly by Your power.  Change us to be all that You want us to be. Your will, not ours, be done, Lord! 
PS  – for those who are interested in the medical ramifications of worry vs. faith, check this out!  (I’m a pharmacist, gotta mention the health side of this topic, too!)
Worry doesn’t accomplish anything good.  In fact, the medical community now knows of countless ailments that are directly attributed to the changes in our bodies’ chemistry when we concentrate and meditate on worry and negative things, fear, unforgiveness, bitterness and anger.  Our immune system weakens measurably, our blood pressure goes up, we make more cortisol which further weakens the immune system and causes us to gain fat around the middle (contributing to diabetes), we get irritable, we get migraine headaches, we have so much adrenaline that we make more stomach acid and end up with ulcers, our brain chemistry changes and serotonin production is lowered as we think about negative things and we are depressed, our heart rate speeds up…  and the list goes on! 
God wants us to live by faith.  We are literally cursed when we live in fear, doubt, resentment, anger and worry.  And the opposite is true when we live by faith!  When we live by faith, and meditate on good things, and are thankful and forgiving, our blood pressure is better, we dont’ make too much cortisol or adrenaline, our heart rate is normal, our immune system actually is boosted, our serotonin levels go up (making us feel happier), we don’t have so many migraines, ulcers, infections, etc…  The choices we make in our thoughts DIRECTLY affect the brain chemistry and physiology of our bodies!  Our bodies, hearts and souls are connected.  “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he!” Proverbs 23:7