Women Can Seem SCARY to Men Sometimes

Posted on June 19, 2012 by


Women tend to immediately know what they think, how they feel and then say what they think and how they feel.  Especially the women who are more on the controlling, dominating and contentious end of the spectrum.  Women have millions more nerve connections between the halves of their brain then men do and have a much larger center that processes emotions than men have.  Women tend to process emotions with words – sometimes a LOT of words.

Men usually can’t access their emotions very quickly, and it can take them minutes, hours or days to process their feelings sometimes if there has been a highly emotionally charged situation.  Their brains are not designed for instant emotional recall from the past.  They don’t always know exactly what they think right away – and that is not wrong – it is just different.

A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE

Guys, you are welcome to help me out here, if you’d like!  But my understanding is that when a woman is upset and is spewing a barrage of highly charged, negative, emotional words, crying, maybe also yelling – it can seem REALLY SCARY from a guy’s perspective.  They don’t usually see other men behave like this.  It seems like an all-out attack.

He thinks his two options are to:

  1. attack back to fight for his honor –  he may not have the verbal ammunition to be able to spar on the same level as a woman in a battle of words.  He may not be able to keep up with the volume of her words, he may not be able to process all the emotions and he may feel like he is drowning in a flood of angry, nasty, hateful, overwhelming emotions.   His anger and emotions are much more tied to his spinal cord, not to his verbal center – so if he does try to counter-attack, he may much more tempted than she is to become violent or physical.  Loving, godly men do NOT want to go this route!  But if a man feels provoked enough, he may lash out in anger.
  2. honorably retreat and wait out the attack in safety– he doesn’t want to attack the woman he loves, he doesn’t understand why she seems so full of seething hatred and contempt.  He feels like a failure, maybe worse than a failure when he sees her so full of anger and disappointment.  He feels incredibly disrespected, and maybe bewildered about what is happening.  He decides to protect her from his own anger – knowing that if he lets his anger come out, he may not maintain control and may hurt her.   He thinks that if she has some space, she’ll calm down and be better on her own eventually – like a man would if he got out of line.  He also thinks that if he stone walls her and shuts down all communication, she’ll understand how disrespected he feels and she’ll apologize for being disrespectful and they can get back to having a good relationship again – or at least she’ll stop the attack because she’ll honor his attempt to create space.

WHY DO WOMEN GO OFF ON THEIR MEN IN ANGRY VERBAL TIRADES?

  • we are feeling VERY afraid
  • we are feeling unloved
  • sometimes it’s almost totally because we are hormonal (PMS, menopause, birth control pills) – and we think we can trust our feelings like usual, but we don’t realize that they have gone haywire.  Our feelings can be screaming at us that we are angry, hurt, lonely, upset – and we assume it is something our man did.  It’s not fair.  We don’t mean to do it.  We don’t want to do it. Sometimes we don’t know how to stop.  Our hormonal emotions can cause serious damage.
  • we feel that we aren’t in control and we are trying to regain control and have things done “our way.”
  • we are feeling insecure in our relationship
  • we are looking to resolve an issue and reconcile a rift in the relationship
  • we want to re-establish “connection” and emotional intimacy and our men don’t seem interested, and we panic
  • we have been sinned against and we have legitimate, holy anger and we are trying to confront the sin

Women often have NO idea that the way things work in a girl’s world is not “standard operating procedure” in the world of men.  We sometimes think we are acting reasonably, lovingly and logically when we go on our verbal rant because we think we can MAKE our men understand.  We think if we can just EXPLAIN with lots of words – that our men will understand and love us again.  Sadly, we often sabotage the very things we want the most in our relationships when we lose control like this.

WHAT WOMEN WANT FROM THEIR MEN

  • to feel loved, cherished and adored
  • to feel beautiful
  • to feel secure in the relationship (Most women inherently doubt their man’s love.   They need reassurance, sometimes daily.  They don’t understand how stable a man’s love usually is, and think that if he isn’t talking about it and doing loving, generous, thoughtful things for her, that his love may have vanished – and we freak out because that is scary!)
  • to feel understood
  • to know that her man is leading her with love, strength, godliness and selflessness
  • to feel safe emotionally, spiritually and physically

WHAT IS A GODLY MAN SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN HIS WOMAN IS VERBALLY ATTACKING HIM?

Ok, guys – here are some of the biggest secrets of life! 🙂  Here are some ways I believe a man can respond to his woman in a way that allows him to lead with love and will help to diffuse her anger:

  • literally embrace her – it is REALLY hard for all the doubt, fear and anger about being unloved and insecure to continue raging when my man reaches for me and hugs me when I am drowning in the roaring waves of my scary emotions.  He becomes an anchor and a rock in the storm for me, and helps me to climb up onto his spiritual and emotional shoulders so that I can breathe and get a better perspective.
  • be gentle, calm, in-control and use a quiet voice  – this gives a lot of reassurance to me, and helps me respect my man and look to him for leadership.
  • apologize if you have sinned against her – I need to see humility and contrition before I can trust my man’s leadership and selfless motives again.
  • hear her heart – most likely I am crying out for love, reassurance, emotional and spiritual intimacy.  Hear past the anger to the fear and pain.  A man can be his woman’s hero by understanding the real problem and addressing her fears, insecurities and need for love.
  • take her hand, sit with her and pray with her – Most guys would never think to do this when they are feeling verbally assaulted.  But if my man says something like, “Honey, I am SO sorry you are so upset.  I don’t want you to feel sad/angry/hurt.  Come sit with me and let’s pray about this.”  –  and then he prays with me – WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The sun comes out, the birds start singing again – the raging storm stops.  I feel safe, protected and loved.  And my man has shown me that he knows how to lead me, he knows what I need.  I don’t have to be afraid.  He understands me and is looking out for my best.  He knows how to calm the emotional storm and make everything right again.  HE IS MY HERO!!!!!!!

AND ALL IS WELL

When a woman’s fears and insecurities are lovingly and gently addressed with tenderness and godly leadership  – the fears go away and are replaced by deep feelings of love, respect, adoration, security, safety, relief and admiration.  The sooner a man can intervene with his loving, selfless, courageous, tender leadership in a situation like this – the more quickly he can probably diffuse it and bring about understanding and reconciliation.

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