Some Keys to Understanding Men

Posted on June 28, 2012 by


There are plenty of magazines out there for young women that claim to have a corner on the secret world of guys.  But, sadly, they don’t have the REAL inside scoop from the One Who designed men and the “help” these magazines give is not all that beneficial for learning to create godly relationships! Most of the time the advice is actually destructive!

The Creator of men and women is the only One Who can tell you what guys REALLY need, what they REALLY want, and how to have the most fulfilling, satisfying, romantic, wonderful, lifelong relationship!  The Bible seems like an unlikely source for romantic wisdom to many girls today – but I promise you, it will lead you to the life you were created for, the life God designed for you – the abundant life of Christ!

Here is THE BIGGEST SECRET about guys that most girls know nothing about.  If you are able to understand just this ONE thing about men, you will have a huge edge.

** GUYS WANT AND NEED RESPECT MUCH MORE THAN LOVE!  **

Whether we like it or not – girls primarily need love and guys primarily need respect in romantic relationships and in marriage.  God made us to be this way.  We cannot get the love we want from our men when we refuse to give them the respect that they desperately need from us!

Many women get really angry at the concept of giving respect to men – and, sadly, they miss out on God’s greatest blessings for intimacy because they refuse to do things God’s way.  Ideally, most men would probably like to have both love and respect from their girl, but if you have a guy who feels disrespected, then he will NOT feel loved either.  We have to give them what they want and need for them to be happy to be with us and to be able to give us the love we want!  This is a mind-blowing concept for many women!  We usually think that guys are basically the same as us and think and feel like we do.  THEY AREN’T!  They are SOOOO very different!  The more you learn to understand how guys are made and what they are like, the better you will do in your relationships with them!

IF YOU CAN FIGURE OUT THE RESPECT THING – YOU WILL HAVE A HUGE ADVANTAGE WITH MEN!

Most women have no idea that little things they do or say (things that suggest he is incompetent, inept, stupid, or unmanly), certain words (like asking a man, “Why would you…?”  “Why did you…?”), or the acidic tone of their voice and scowling facial expressions come across disrespectfully to guys.  If you can figure out what respect means to men in general, and then to your man in particular, you will become the most incredible treasure to him in the world!   But even if you don’t marry the guy you are with right now, the more you learn about respect, the more you will understand the deep masculine needs of all men and the more capable you will be at meeting those needs for any guy you choose to bless with your admiration, faith and godly feminine powers.

OUR CULTURE’S WAY ISN’T WORKING

Many of us have no idea why we are repelling men and why we feel so lonely in our relationships with them..  We’re trying to give them boatloads of love, but the harder we try, the worse things seem to get – and we are baffled.  Respect is hardly even on the radar screen for most women, and we usually aren’t purposely disrespectful.   But even if it is unintentional on our part, disrespect sabotages our romantic relationships with men.  We also often aren’t allowing our men to be the leaders.  We tend to take control and ruin the possibility of emotional and spiritual intimacy.

I HAVE TO YIELD CONTROL TO HAVE ROMANCE

I completely agree with  Laura Doyle (“The Surrendered Wife” and “The Surrendered Single”), “Control and intimacy are opposites.  I can have one or the other, not both.”  So if we as women choose to try to control the pace of the relationship or try to force a guy to say or do what we want – we just chose NOT to be emotionally and spiritually intimate with him.  (if you want to slow down the pace, that is fine!  But rushing him does not work!)

We can and should say what we like and what our desires are.  What we want is important!  But the problem is when we try to pressure or rush a guy – then we make him feel disrespected and smothered and like he needs to GET AWAY.  If we choose NOT to be in control (trusting God and trusting our guy – to a degree – as we see that he is truly a godly, Spirit-filled man and our godly parents/friends/pastor/mentors also believe he is trustworthy) and we allow him the freedom and space to make his own choices and we can accept him as he is, then intimacy, romance, excitement and adventure can thrive and flourish!

ISN’T HE THE PROBLEM?

Our men pull away from us or get angry and we have no idea why.   They are often feeling extremely disrespected by us and yet we don’t even notice!  We don’t even see that sometimes a guy left because of something major we did that hurt him. We think – he’s the problem!  “If he would just be more loving, more sensitive, more into my feelings, more aware of my needs – everything would be great!”   It’s all about what I want and need, right?

Men are actually very easy to understand if you’ll take the time to study them and learn about their masculine perspective and language.  I love how Dr. Laura Schlessinger puts it, “Men are simple creatures.  They only need attention, affection and affirmation.”  And when they have those three things, they will do almost ANYTHING for the woman they love!

TIME TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR

God asks us to look at ourselves.  What do I need to change about me?  Do I have a bunch of pride that makes me very prickly and difficult to approach, love and deal with?  Am I so stuck on being “right” all the time that I don’t know how to compromise, cooperate and get along with other people with different ideas than mine?

I believe that God is honored when we are respectful, sensitive to a guy’s needs (instead of demanding what we want), when we appreciate the wisdom our guy has that is different from our own, and when we are aware of what would help inspire a guy to be his best in God’s sight.  We can’t change men!!!!  PLEASE only marry a guy you can respect RIGHT NOW, AS IS!   But our admiration, respect and cooperation with their leadership can inspire them to great heights!

A RECIPE FOR HOLINESS

Women do not always deserve love from our guys – but we need their love desperately!  Men do not always deserve respect from their women – but they need our respect desperately!    Each gender has to stretch WAY, WAY beyond their comfort zone and become selfless and become more like Christ in order to meet the needs of the other.  God designed romance and marriage so that we would have to become more holy and mature.  We would see our need for God and look to Him for help, realizing we can’t do the male/female relationship thing successfully on our own or apart from His beautiful design.

PS

I have a LOT of articles on this site and also on www.peacefulwife.com about respect because I believe this one topic is SO critical to our ability to get our romantic relationships with men right!  You are welcome to look around and read some more.  It can feel like learning a brand new foreign language at first for a lot of women – and it may take a year or two, maybe even more, to really become fluent in this language.  Please don’t hesitate to ask questions!

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