Never Chase The Girl

Posted on October 18, 2012 by


Today’s blog is a guest post by Justin Campbell.  Justin is a 40 year old single guy living and working in St. Louis.  You can read more by him at his blog More Than Don’t Have Sex, where he writes about singleness, Jesus, the church, and how we can all be in it together.

When I was a kid, my dog died chasing a car.  Great opening right? Ha.  But seriously this dog always wanted to chase cars but usually was tied up.  But one day somehow she wasn’t and off she went.  Apparently she “caught” the car.  I don’t know all of the reasons dogs chase cars but I do know it never turns out well.  One of two things are going to happen.  They either fail to catch the car or they get hit.  It’s a lose lose.

The same is true when a guy chases a girl.  Let me explain what I mean.

First of all, the idea of chasing involves someone running.  Someone is running away and someone else is chasing that person.  That’s the whole set up.  So if you are chasing a girl that means that she is not moving towards you.

Now this is different than pursuing a girl. Pursing someone essentially means (in date speak) getting to know someone.  In other words, showing interest or asking questions or asking them out.  That’s not what I’m talking about here.

I’m talking about chasing someone.  It’s this thing guys (and sometimes girls) do when they like someone and they are convinced that this is right even though the other person is not interested.

Perhaps we ask a girl out and she says no – or some equivalent that means no.  But that doesn’t stop us.  Instead we keep going.  It might be that we went on a date or two and the person says they just aren’t feeling it.  But we keep trying, keep calling, keep trying to talk them into it.

This is bad on so many levels it’s going to be hard to list them.

For one thing it makes you look like a total wuss.  And no one wants to date a wuss.  I’m sorry but that’s the truth.  It makes you even more unattractive.  It makes you desperate.  It will not change her mind!  It’s also kind of disrespectful.  She has said no. Leave it alone.  Walk away.  If you’re not careful you will become a punchline in her life at best and a stalker at worst.

It’s also bad because it makes the whole thing about you and it makes her an idol.  It becomes something that you are trying to “win” or “attain” which turns her into an object. At that point you are like the dog in that even if you miraculously (and it would be miraculous) caught her you’d be dead.  You’ve given up all of your power and leadership. You’ve given her total power over your life.  You’re dead.

Sometimes it can be hard to see and even harder to admit that you are chasing someone. So here are some keys to look for.  If any of this is true you are probably chasing:

  • You try to find all sorts of ways to be around her or angle to be with her but you have never asked her out
  • You have asked her out, she said no and you still follow her around (this includes social media) and keep trying over and over again.
  • She says things like, I just want to be friends, you’re a great guy, I just don’t feel that way etc and yet you keep working towards getting her to like you
  • You think you can somehow earn her liking you
  • You have ever or are getting ready to try to talk her into liking you.
  • You buy her gifts even though you are not in a relationship
  • You have all sorts of pretend conversations with her in your head – where you “lay it on the line”
  • You actually have a conversation where you “lay it on the line”.
  • You don’t go on other dates because you are waiting for her to like you and you don’t want to “mess it up”.
  • You are down or depressed over her not liking you
  • Most of your prayer life is about her

These are all really, really bad signs.  I know because I’ve lived it and it has cost me time and for a while some of my manhood.

We as guys have to understand that chasing the girl doesn’t work.  If anything it makes her run further away.  The truth is that if you ask someone out and they say no you may still have a chance – if you can walk away.  But if you can’t she’ll know.  And she won’t be attracted.  She might like the attention but she won’t be more attracted.  The only chance you have is to walk.

There are a lot of things you can do to never get in this spot to begin with and we’ll talk more about that.  But for today I want to encourage you to examine yourself.

Are you currently chasing someone?  Do you usually chase the girl you like?  How’s that working out?  Is it time for something different?

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