I LOVE a quote that a reader shared with me last week, “Expectations are premeditated resentment.”
I have been hearing from a number of newlywed wives – and the thing that strikes me is the unrealistic expectations these precious sisters of mine have. Reminds me of myself!
SOME UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS WE OFTEN HAVE OF MARRIAGE/HUSBANDS/MEN
- When we get married, things will be exactly the same between us as they were when we were dating, but we will just be together more.
- If I do everything I am supposed to do,”respect and submit to my man” then he will always love me in the ways I want to be loved.
- My man will constantly tell me he loves me.
- My man will think and act and feel just like I do.
- If he is distant, it means he doesn’t love me, because if I were distant like that, it would mean I didn’t love him.
- If he is not as verbal and chatty as I am, it means he doesn’t love me.
- Once we are married, my husband will always want to have sex with me.
- My man should initiate prayer every day with me.
- If my man has issues with porn, it means he doesn’t love me.
- If he withdraws from me, it means he wishes he had never married me.
- He will be just like his mentor/our friend/my dad
LET ME SPELL OUT WHAT IS USUALLY CLOSER TO REALITY
- Dynamics change A LOT when a couple marries. It is impossible to predict exactly how things will change, but they do change dramatically.
- Your husband will not always be perfect. He is human. Sometimes he will sin against you. Sometimes you will feel unloved, lonely and ignored. Sometimes even if you do everything right, your marriage won’t be as intimate as you want it to be. God will use these times to make you holy if you turn to Him. This is where you get to learn to give grace, to give mercy, to forgive and to overlook faults and die to self! IT WILL BE EXTREMELY PAINFUL SOMETIMES!
- Many men are not very verbal. Sometimes once they are married, they quit saying a lot of “I love you”s. This does not mean they don’t love their wives. It usually just means they are showing it with what they do more than what they say. Men often don’t understand how important words are to women and how much women need reassurance of their love. To them, if they married you, it means they REALLY LOVE YOU – and that is a pretty unchanging thing in most men’s minds.
- I promise your man will NOT think, feel, process, act or talk like you do. He’s a guy! You will need to learn to interpret what he says and learn how vastly different men are from women – or you will be really hurt a lot for no reason. Most men do NOT have evil motives towards us! We can easily deduce that is what must be going on by their behavior at times – but usually it is a misunderstanding about how different men perceive the world and their priorities. I’d recommend reading Shaunti Feldhahn’s For Women Only to learn more than you every could have imagined there was to know about how Christian men think.
- Men can get distant for many reasons. DO NOT assume he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want you just because he is distant. He may be feeling disrespected. He may be consumed by a problem at work. He may feel inadequate as a provider. He may be overwhelmed with new responsibilities (having a new wife and a baby on the way – for instance) and may be feeling like he is drowning in all that is expected of him and like he is not sure if he can do this. He needs to see your FAITH in him. And he needs you to be a safe place for him to share his heart.
- Men bond silently a lot of times doing shoulder to shoulder things. Men don’t bond with words. They bond with shared experiences. Spend some time with your man just being with him as he does things he loves to do. Don’t talk. Just enjoy being there and be ready to listen if he wants to talk.
- Husbands don’t all always want to have sex all the time. There are lots of reasons a husband may not want to have sex: he is exhausted, he is extremely stressed, he is feeling disrespected (that is a huge turn off), he is feeling controlled/smothered by you, he is sick, you are sick, he is hurt, you are hurt (back injury or something), you are being too sexually aggressive towards him (sometimes backing off and waiting to let him pursue you works better), he is depressed about his job situation, he has a lower drive than you do and is ok with having sex just once or twice a week. There are also times that a husband’s desire can be very low due to medical issues, side effects of medications, porn addiction, or infidelity. But the first list of reasons I mentioned are usually the more common ones. When you get married, please understand that you and your husband will NOT always both want sex at the same time. You will experience rejection at times. That does not mean he doesn’t want you, or that he doesn’t love you. Be prepared to be able to handle “no” graciously and take your pain to God and be patient and receptive for the time when he is ready. (PS – men’s testosterone levels are highest in the morning. If you get married and your husband is too tired at night or turns you down a lot at night, try initiating without words in the morning instead.)
- Most Christian husbands, even pastors, do not initiate prayer with their wives – sometimes EVER. Don’t expect him to suddenly do this when you get married if he wasn’t doing it before. If he is ok with you respectfully asking him to pray with you, awesome. If he is uncomfortable with praying together – pray by yourself or with a godly older mentor. Just because a man doesn’t want to pray out loud does not necessarily mean he is not a good spiritual leader or that he is not a strong believer. Being verbal and vulnerable in prayer out loud is really intimidating for a lot of men. Don’t pressure him! If he is a believer, he will hopefully be praying on his own. But you can’t control or monitor that. Let God handle your husband’s spirituality.
- MANY MEN – the vast majority of men today (especially under 50) have had some involvement with porn (this tears my heart to shreds!). A man’s addiction to porn actually has nothing to do with his love for his woman/wife. But it is sin, and it is destructive to the relationship. And it easily leads to more sin. For help with a porn addiction, click here.
- We women are awful at making assumptions about our men’s motives. Unless he tells you he doesn’t love you anymore – and he is still there – assume he DOES love you and that something is bothering him. It might have nothing to do with you. Sometimes guys are depressed. Sometimes they have a bad day. Sometimes they get into a funk. Unless he directly says you have done something, do not assume his withdrawal is about you. You may ask him if you did something that came across disrespectfully. You can ask him politely if he is ok. But if he stays quiet, give him some space. Go do something you enjoy. Pray. Go for a run. Go spend time with girlfriends. Let him have some space. He will probably be better in a few hours or a day or two. If he does want to talk, be all ears. Be willing to listen if he wants you to do something differently. Be cooperative.
- Let your man be himself. He is not his mentor. He is not his friend. He is not your dad. He will do things his own way, have his own ideas and be his own person. He is also not you. Allow him the grace and freedom to be himself. ACCEPT HIM! Do NOT try to change him! 🙂 Life will be so much more enjoyable for you both if you can start with this understanding!
This is only a SHORT list of possible unrealistic expectations we have of our men. But it gives us a place to start.
Let me know if you have any questions, I will do my best to answer. I am not infallible! And I am human! But I will try to explain the whole realm of masculinity and point us to Christ and His Word!
RG
February 18, 2013
“If I do everything I am supposed to do,”respect and submit to my man” then he will always love me in the ways I want to be loved.”
Many Churches teach the inverse of what you said, that when men love and lead their girlfriends/wives “like Christ,” then their girlfriends/wives will magically respond well, shower them with love and respect, and want to follow their lead. This may be an ideal, but it isn’t usually true, and shouldn’t be taught as if it will always be true.
If Churches are going to teach the way things (anything) SHOULD be, then they should be honest enough to teach it as a biblical ideal rather than as a fact. Otherwise, they just set us all up with expectations that disappoint us later, which could then lead us to blame each other for our foolish and naive expectations.
peacefulwife
February 19, 2013
RG,
I agree! In reality, there will be many times in marriage where each spouse must decide to continue to obey God himself/herself even when the other spouse is sinning. Sometimes this can go on for many months or even years. We as humans have no power to open spiritually blinded eyes of other people. But God can and will use our obedience and His Spirit working through us to bless our sinning spouses and to influence them and draw them to Him. If I begin to also disobey God and respond sinfully to my sinning husband- I will personally block God’s work in both of our lives. We are not ever guaranteed of the outcomes. But what God does guarantee us is that when we love Him above all else and seek to honor Him – He will use all things for our ultimate good and for His glory.
THAT has to be my goal. When my goal is to see God’s greatest glory done in my marriage and in my life – then I am free of all of my own expectations and desires. Then I become an accomplice to God’s work. This is about God, not me. Marriage is primarily a picture of the love of Christ for His church. It is not primarily about ME and what I want. I will be blessed by God when I obey Him alone – even if I must suffer for a long time.
There is much suffering in life in general but also in marriage. Marriage shines a spotlight on my own sinfulness in ways that few other things can. But when we embrace God’s ways and His design and seek Him and His kingdom first – He can give us joy in the midst of the suffering and He can give us strength to learn all the amazing lessons He has for us to learn. We learn best when we are suffering. God counts suffering for doing things His way as an immeasurable blessing. There is also suffering that happens because of the consequences of sin. That is not what I am talking about here. I am talking about the blessing of suffering for doing what is right and doing things God’s way – knowing we will be rewarded in heaven no matter what happens here on earth.
If only we could learn to embrace trials and suffering as our teachers that God will use to lead us to maturity!
Only God will never fail us. All people will fail us. When I find myself being disappointed – it is time to check and see where my true desires and goals are. Seeking God first brings joy, peace, contentment, fulfillment and all the fruit of the Spirit. Idolatry always brings discontentment, frustration, anxiety, fear and pain. How I long to see us become a godly generation who seeks God first and His kingdom above all else.
peacefulwife
February 19, 2013
This is a comment on a similar article today on http://www.peacefulwife.com from a wife:This is great, April! When my hubby and I were in premarital counseling, one of the assignments we were given was to each make a list of what we expected of each other in marriage. At the top of my list was something like this: “When I have a hard day at work and come home grumpy, he will hug me and everything will be better.” Our pastor pointed out that I was seeking from man (my soon-to-be-hubby) what I should be seeking from God — taking everything to Him in prayer.
This helped me to see that another human being is not in charge of my happiness or lack thereof — I am, and need to rely on the Lord to help me through the tough times.
Readingup
February 19, 2013
Hi ,
Where does that come from in us women? The assumption that because he does something that cause doubt or discomfort he is deliberately trying to brief you hardship and grief? Why do we think that way sometimes?
I remember talking to a guy once and instead of being his attentive self his tone was very very very curt, hostile and disagreeable. I got the message he didn’t want to talk to me anymore so I withdrew and stopped calling to say hi.
Next couple weeks he calls and asked what gives I told him he was being hostile so I gave him his space… he works in electrical and was working on a live wire when
I called. If he continued to speak to me he’d be distracted and well… get electrocuted.
My assumptions led me to believe he was being downright mean and malicious.
peacefulwife
February 24, 2013
Reading up,
It is so easy for us to assume that we know people’s motives. But we don’t! I think we assume that if we did that thing or said that thing, it would mean we didn’t like the person, so we attach our own motives for a particular action to others and easily misunderstand.
Great example!!! Thank you!
RG
February 20, 2013
Would your husband mind making a similar blog series with lists of unhealthy/unbiblical expectations that men may have about women? I’d be interested to read that! Thanks!
peacefulwife
February 20, 2013
I will ask him, RG! Thanks! 🙂
Ningru Guo
July 23, 2013
Really appreciate your blog. It’s been a great source of sanity.