What One Single Christian Man Wishes Women Knew

Posted on February 27, 2013 by


man praying

 

This is our Christian brother’s response from a question I asked him after yesterday’s post (Why Asking About His “Five Year Plan” Can Backfire).  

I asked him what he would suggest  Christian women might do when they believe they are having to wait too long for the Christian man they are interested in to “move forward” in a romantic relationship.  His answer amazes me.  

This may be a bit painful to hear, but his perspective is representative of how many single Christian men feel today.  I would love for us to prayerfully consider his thoughts and see if there is anything in us that God may want to change.  There are some rather prevalent attitudes of entitlement and attitudes that “men are there to give us what we want” that I believe we as women need to deal with.   I don’t think these are necessarily conscious attitudes on our part, but I think we have absorbed a lot of toxic ideas from our culture that dramatically impact the way we view men.  

Men are people with feelings, emotions, desires, dreams, needs, ideas and wisdom, too.  Men are made in the image of God, too.   Men and women are of equal value and worth before God –  I want to see us love our brothers with the love of Christ, not just try to use them for our own gain.  His response gives insight into the feelings of a significant number of Christian men today, and his viewpoint is much more common than many women realize, so I want us all to hear what he has to say. I would also like us as Christian women to be aware of how our sisters in Christ are treating men – maybe there will be moments that God gives us when we can lovingly, thoughtfully address some of these issues with our friends.  THANK YOU to this brother of ours for his willingness to share:

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Every couple will have a different set of personalities and circumstances. I don’t think there is a one-size-fits-all answer to this other than to listen for the Holy Spirit’s voice, and have a heart that desires to obey God and honor your brother in Christ before yourself.

If your priority and focus is on yourself and your dreams and expectations and everything you want in the relationship or engagement/marriage, you will show him that not only is he less important to you than your list of desires/dreams/expectations, but that you only see him as the means by which you achieve those desires/dreams/expectations, ie: a convenient object to use.

Do we say to Jesus, “Hurry-up and jump on that cross, because I want to taste Paradise?!”
No! This was his choice and gift to us! Paradise/Heaven are gifts we are blessed to receive, not a “right” we deserve when we want it. But that is what dating (some) Christian women feels like. They believe men are obligated by God to make all their desires, dreams, wishes, and expectations come true, and the sooner the better.

Your lists of desires and qualifications, and your urgent timetable do not change a man’s gift into your “right!”

Our hearts, our thoughts, our time, our energy, our money, our commitments, and our lifetime of hard work and sacrifices are all our gifts to the women we choose to give them to, when we choose to give those things to them. When women DEMAND any of these, we don’t want to give them away.

Many Christian women place so much emphasis on marriage, children, and materialistic things they want NOW, that many men feel a lot of pressure to hear God correctly and honor their girlfriends, all while trying to slow down the process enough so we can feel comfortable about whether or not to move forward, having a plan, working hard, and investing ourselves into both the costs and benefits of the relationship. It is not as easy as simply saying, “Yes,” and women would not be satisfied with words alone. I believe men deserve the time they need to make such promises and commitments willingly.

If you want the gift, you have to wait until it is handed to you. You can’t just pry it out of his hands and act like you already deserve it, and that he owes it to you. It is not your gift to give!

The more women want to speed-up their relationships, the more men will resist.

If you want a relationship with a man, you should learn to love and adapt to his timetable. If he loves you, he will learn gradually over time how to balance both, but if he feels rushed he will resist, and you will only be adding more time to your wait. If you feel a need to rush things, you will likely show him that his sense of time, perspective, and priorities are “wrong,” and that you are unwilling to value or respect and consider his thoughts and opinions, and may not ever be willing to follow his lead.

Speaking from experience, I’m so used to some Christian women jumping insistently from the beginning to rush and force the issue, that I would feel much more honored by waiting. It shows me more respect for my thoughts and opinions, and allows me the flexibility and opportunity to practice leading, while giving her the same flexibility and opportunity to practice following. To me, it demonstrates the difference between actually following or merely talking about it.

Your lists of desires and qualifications, and your urgent timetable do not change a man’s gift into your “right!”  
We don’t owe you anything!  We are not obligated to give you anything!  
Everything we give to you is a gift!

Our hearts, our thoughts, our time, our energy, our money, our commitments, and our lifetime of hard work and sacrifices are all our gifts to the women we choose to give them to, when we choose to give those things to them. When women DEMAND any of these, we don’t want to give them away.

I guess the real question is, “Which is most important to you, the man you say you love or your need to live by your own rules and schedules?

Again, I believe God will speak clearly how best each couple should proceed to avoid unnecessary troubles.

Also, when 66%-75% of all break-ups and divorces are initiated by women for “no fault” reasons, that statistic alone encourages me to wait longer to marry a woman that would be right for me.  If most women can’t keep their promises, I see no reason to rush into any committed relationship or marriage.

Men aren’t afraid of commitment! We’re afraid of what will happen to us after that commitment!

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

There are definitely times a woman cannot continue to wait on a man.  I do understand that.  I trust God’s Spirit to give each woman wisdom in her particular situation.  This is a perspective that might give us some things to think about and pray about.

 

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