Why He Needs Time before He Proposes

Posted on April 2, 2013 by


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Here is one guy’s perspective and why he believes a man needs to take his time before committing to marriage:
I have the experience of dating a Christian woman who at first seemed sincere and loving, but later seemed so interested in having children that I felt like she could have been dating any other man in the world and it wouldn’t have made a difference to her, like I could have been any other man, and she wouldn’t have noticed or cared. I felt like she wanted to marry me to make me a Christian version of a sperm donor, and that she would have been much more in love with “our”/HER future kids than in me. It was a very awkward and disturbing feeling, like I was just being dated and used for my future “deposit.”  I don’t think that was her heart or intent, but she made me feel very unloved, unvalued, disrespected, and unappreciated.  (From Peacefulwife – THIS is how a guy feels when a woman has made an idol out of having children.  And it is a similar awful feeling for men when we make an idol out of marriage, or out of a wedding, or out of being married or having a boyfriend without actually loving, respecting and valuing our men as people.  This is why we HAVE to keep Christ first – or we will destroy our relationship with Christ and with everyone else.)
I really relate to that quote in a post on http://www.peacefulwife.com “My Secret Idol” that said, “Am I not worth more to you than ____?
When women start to feel comfortable in their dating relationships, they are often jumping quickly to the next stage/step of the relationship emotionally/psychologically, and assume not only that men are taking “too long” to make commitments, but also that any legitimate concerns men have about dating those women are trivial, insignificant, and should be ignored, and that we are “wrong” to have such concerns at all. Women often act like they are faultless, and that we have no business or right to be concerned by what we see. That is not only disrespectful but insulting!  (From Peacefulwife – this is why I want to encourage women to take things slowly.  Don’t rush into a commitment.  Don’t try to push or force the relationship to the next level.  Enjoy today.  Live in today.  Trust God to lead you in the future.  Seek God first.  Only date Christians who are serious about loving Christ.)
Nobody is perfect, and every man deserves the right to understand any and all flaws that a woman has before he makes a deeper commitment to her. We don’t want to be surprised, and need to know what we are signing-up for because those things will become our responsibilities.  If women are going to continue to interrogate us with hypothetical questions to identify any concerns they have with us, or use those coerced answers to justify any decisions that they have already made-up in their minds, then we deserve the same “consideration”, with the same amount of dating time and opportunity to see, experience, identify, discuss, and pray about their flaws too.
Sometimes, women want to skip that part.
If you want us to make life-long commitments to you, then please honor and respect our thoughts, concerns, and perspectives in those relationships.  If you’re not willing to honor and respect our thoughts, concerns, and perspectives in all situations, then you are merely asking us to commit to follow you around the rest of our lives, serve you, tell you how amazing and beautiful you are, and how you are always perfect and right.  While that might sound nice at first, it is not very loving, and not true to the men God is calling us to be.  We weren’t meant to be a compact mirror in your purse, without opinions of our own, to pull-out and use at-will to validate whatever you want.
We were called to lead.
Remember that we men are called to be the following:

Ephesians 5:25-27 (AMP)

25[Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ] [ ] 26So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, [ ] 27[That He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless].

We don’t raise concerns without good reason.  Even while dating, we are trying to fulfill our part of these commands because we want what is best for you.  (From Peacefulwife – he is talking about sincere Christian men here – there are some men who are not godly men who may try to lead you against God’s Word.  Those kinds of men are NOT concerned with what is best for you.)  Ladies, we would like your help and cooperation to do this, because we want a stronger relationship and marriage to you. Please read that Bible chapter and speak with April to learn what it means and how you might help us.
If you want us to lead, then you should begin to listen to and respect everything we have to say. We are doing this both for God and for you!  (From Peacefulwife – this does not mean you agree with everything, but that you are able to respect his ideas and accept that he has wisdom that is important and concerns that are valid, too.)
It’s very difficult to love a flawed person who is unwilling to admit they are so.
Please learn to acknowledge that we might see a legitimate concern in you that needs to be addressed before we make a deeper commitment to you, and that we aren’t wrong for praying about and discussing such concerns. The very fact we are willing to pray about and discuss these concerns with you should be encouraging, because we aren’t just quitting on you and ending the relationship, (throwing your hypothetical answers back in your face), or willing to ignore what could later become a bigger issue in that relationship.
We want the best relationship possible, and we are doing the best we can to approach sin with love. (From Peacefulwife – men will not do this perfectly.  We won’t do it perfectly either.  There will be many times for men and women to have the opportunity to learn to forgive, to apologize, to give grace and mercy – that is part of how God helps us become more and more like Christ!  If we are willing to seek Him first.)
A young, newly married woman once told me that she knew she could marry and submit to her new husband, because, while dating, she saw the way that he was trying to lead her and lovingly correct her.  She did not resist him, and said that is how she knew she could trust him.
What a beautiful and honoring thing to say about her husband!
What a beautiful gift she must be to him!
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