Maybe I Have Been Wrong about Letting Him Pursue You??

Posted on April 10, 2013 by

guy smiling close up

I appreciate this Christian guy’s willingness to talk about his viewpoint.  It is definitely possible that things just aren’t always completely black and white.   My greatest desire is to help Christian women become the godly women God desires them to be and to see them in beautiful, God-honoring romantic relationships according to God’s will and timing.   I also desire to see Christian women honoring the leadership of their men and respect their men even while dating. (This also means that we don’t try to control our men, manipulate them or try to force our way on them).  And I want to see Christian women sharing their feelings and desires in respectful ways with the men they are interested in.

Dating is not mentioned in the Bible – there was no such relationship back then!   So, sometimes it can get a bit dicey trying to figure out a “godly” way to approach dating today.  I’m sure there is more than one godly approach.  I’m sure some things work for some people that wouldn’t work for others.  I am NOT the Holy Spirit.  And I am not infallible.  My prayer is that no one EVER puts my advice (or any human’s suggestions) above the work and direction of God’s Spirit working in them.   I hope to accurately present what godly guys out there think, feel and need.  I am very thankful for the men who share their hearts with us.  I’d love for us to have a discussion about some of these important topics together!  I also hope to accurately present an approach that would be honoring to God and to Christian men.


I regret that what I’m about to say will fly directly in the face of
much of what this blog argues in favor of. Please know that I mean it
with no disrespect.

I am 23 years old. Six weeks ago, a godly, Christ-honoring girl asked
me point blank if I wanted a relationship with her (I said yes). And
in all honesty, I’m very happy that she did. I do not think she was
‘wrong’ to not wait for me to ask. So far, our dating relationship has
been very strong; we encourage each other, build each other up in
Christ, and always point each other toward God. For the record, we are
both complementarians.

Sometimes, a girl desires a romantic relationship with a guy, but more
often, she only wants to be friends. And my problem is that it’s all
but impossible for many guys like me to know which is which. We aren’t
mind readers. On two separate occasions, I spent many months trying to
pursue a girl who ultimately turned out to be totally uninterested in
a romantic relationship. Both of them, during the time that I tried to
pursue them, would occasionally do things like compliment me on my
eyes, or send me unsolicited texts. So, you can understand my
bewilderment when I come to this blog, and read that if you’re
romantically interested in a guy, you shouldn’t even do those things!
I would additionally note that my younger brother also once received a
lot of seemingly promising hints from a girl who ultimately only
wanted friendship.

Conversely, the girl I am now dating gave me very little clue that she
was interested in a relationship before outright asking me. If
anything, it seemed to me that she would occasionally, and subtly hint
the exact opposite. Would I have eventually asked her myself? My plan
was to eventually ask her, but if weeks kept passing without any clear
indications of interest, I might not have. I lost a lot of time going
after the two girls mentioned in the previous paragraph (just to be
clear, I bear neither any ill-will, and I’m still friends with both).
I really would prefer not to spend weeks or months on end trying to
discern someone’s true intention, especially when there’s plenty of
reason to believe that it’s only friendship. Let me say it again –
guys are not mind readers!

Bottom line, I really wish Christian girls would make their intentions
more obvious. And I don’t think that makes them any less ‘attractive.’
Personally, I very much appreciate a girl who is willing to be open
and forthright – THAT is something that indicates respect to me. And
it’s concealed motives and agendas that turn me off. I know it’s a fun
fairytale fantasy to sit back and wait for a guy to pursue you, but
there are too many girls out there only interested in friendship for
this to be a workable option for some guys. And many of those girls
who are only interested in friendship can sure seem like they’re
interested in something more, like the two I tried to pursue.

Perhaps my own experiences in life were atypical. Still, they’re the
only experiences I know.


If you believe God desires you to approach a man this boldly and directly – PLEASE be sure to accept whatever answer he gives graciously.   I do think this kind of approach will probably be more of the exception rather than the rule.  It still may be wise to give a guy time to approach you before you use a direct method – I pray God might give each of you wisdom for each situation!  I would still say – don’t chase him or hunt him down or try to explain why he should go out with you.  If you do use a bold approach, I believe you would still be wise to let him do the initiating with emails/phone calls/texts.  My biggest concern is that you don’t take over and try to lead him or force him deeper into a relationship or commitment  before he is ready.  Be very careful not to try to MAKE him do what you want and not to pressure or force him into doing what you want him to do.  

Mark Driscoll says, “Ladies, never chase a man.  If you start chasing him, you’ll be chasing him the rest of your life.”

It’s one thing to clearly and plainly ask him about his intentions or to try to communicate that you are a willing soul if he is interested in you – and to allow him time to make his own decision and get back with you when he is ready to answer.  But it is another thing to try to take over a man’s life and control him.  Being controlling, argumentative, critical, bossy, condescending, self-righteous, pushy, impatient, rude or manipulating with guilt are NOT EVER appropriate ways for Christian ladies to treat their men (or anyone else!).  Once you do ask him about his intentions (check out Mark Driscoll’s video), give him time and space and allow him to make his own decisions, please!

What if the guy turns you down or doesn’t respond?  I vote for giving him space.  He knows you are interested – if he doesn’t pursue you at that point – you would probably be killing any chance of a relationship starting to be that direct more than once.

Let’s have a discussion about ways women can  honor a man’s leadership in a dating relationship from the beginning all the way through engagement – hearing from the men and the women.


I usually suggest that women not be the first one to call/text/email, not ask the guy out on a date first, not decide when the relationship is “official,”  not kiss him first, not say  “I love you” first, not pressure the guy or try to force him to speed up the relationship and not to ask about when/if he might propose.

Talk to the guy.  Introduce yourself.  Smile and flirt (in a godly way, not a sexual way).  Let him know you are interested.  Don’t try to make him completely read your mind.

Pray and seek God’s wisdom and direction!!