Self-Deprecation, Humor and Attraction

Posted on May 31, 2013 by


We have been talking about building and creating attraction this past week

General Overview

Creating Attraction for Women

One of my Christian brothers mentioned something about using self-deprecating humor a lot, and how worldly guys tend to be more arrogant and often make the girl they are flirting with the butt of the joke.

I think this is a really important topic – let’s dive in!

Humor is VERY involved in attraction

I am sure there are behavioral scientists and psychologists who could write books on this topic.  But here are a few points I think are key:

– I believe a woman being able to sincerely laugh at a guy’s jokes is important in building attraction

– I believe a guy needs to know that the girl he is interested in enjoys his brand of humor and that he can delight her.


If a guy makes jokes at his own expense constantly, puts himself down, insults himself, talks about what a “loser” he is, etc… this DOES NOT create attraction in women.  This kind of humor – which really isn’t humor, in my book – is going to create pity, at best.  A man doesn’t want to create pity in a woman towards himself – that destroys attraction.

She knows nothing about you – you are a blank slate to her, and you have the opportunity to present yourself to her as the amazing guy that you are.  Self-deprecation sabotages your attempts to attract women, gentlemen.  What will attract her to him is for her to be able to admire and respect him.  A different style of humor is going to be really critical!

– I also believe that when women use self-deprecating humor – it is a turn-off to men, as well.  When someone presents themselves as if they have no confidence in themselves, as if they loathe themselves, as if they can’t stand being who they are – they will create those same feelings towards them in others.  NOT GOOD!


I had several guy friends in the past who constantly put themselves down.  I would talk with them and try to build them up and build them up.  They would continue to shoot themselves down.  I was always arguing with them, trying to convince them that they were wonderful.  It didn’t work.  Eventually, it became emotionally exhausting for me to talk with these guys.  I couldn’t change them.  They were miserable people.  I felt depressed myself after being with them for awhile.  I started to dread being around them.

This is an effective strategy for men or women to repel other people.  It is not fun to be around someone who puts themselves down all the time.


Why do obnoxious guys get girls’ attention when they are cocky, joking, flirting, and even insulting women?

Well, it is a principle of human nature that when someone confidently struts up to a woman,  acts like he is “above” her, like he could care less whether she is interested in him or not  and teases her in an insulting way – it makes her want to prove to him that he is wrong.  It makes her want to show him that she is worth his time and attention.  These guys have figured out that reverse psychology can work.  It absolutely does work.  There are men making serious money teaching other guys how to attract women by flirting and insulting them.  Really.

I don’t believe that this is appropriate for Christian men to do – to insult a woman, in order to manipulate her emotions.


There are many reasons, of course, but the same principle about human nature,  telling someone “You can’t have me,” “You don’t deserve me,”  “You’re not good enough for me,” is often involved.

The difference often is, that Christian women tend to issue a challenge without realizing it. When a Christian girl says, “Oh, I would never date you.  You’re not a Christian.”  She just issued that guy the biggest challenge ever.  Now, he is determined that the competition is ON.  He is going to do everything he can to prove to her that he CAN win her heart and he CAN have her if he wants to.  When a woman tells a man, “You can’t have me.”  It makes her value shoot way up in his eyes  – and then he often becomes determined to try to win her affection.


– there are plenty of wonderful ways to use humor that are not self-deprecating and also that are not insulting to others.

– sharing laughter and humor is a BIG part of building attraction.

– having some funny stories to share is a fantastic idea when you meet new people

–  flirting is awesome! (not sexual flirting or using sexual innuendo)  Friendly bantering and joking in a wholesome way.

– gentle teasing is often a great part of flirting that helps build and create attraction


If you would like to share some examples of flirting that would be appropriate for believers in Christ – please feel free to!  I’d like to do a post on that, too.