Understanding Men, Testosterone and Temptation – Part 2

Posted on June 26, 2013 by


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For the version of this post that I have on http://www.peacefulwife.com, please click here to read what this means for wives in marriage.  There is a big difference in how a girlfriend would handle these issues vs. a wife.  For a girlfriend – her man’s biggest temptation is probably going to be HER!  Of course, there are always other temptations as well.  Once a man is married, the biggest temptations will probably be outside the marriage.  I am assuming that you are dating/engaged to/courting a man who is completely committed to Christ.  Please do not date unbelievers or people who do not live with Jesus as LORD.

If you have not read Part 1, you will definitely want to do so before reading this post!

WHAT CAN I DO TO SUPPORT MY MAN IN HIS BATTLES AGAINST TEMPTATION AND SIN?

Men need a very different kind of support for their struggles than we need for ours.  Understanding what they need does not come naturally to us – exactly like understanding what we need during PMS,  (and later pregnancy, nursing, peri-menopause and menopause) does not come naturally to our men.

**** Here, I am talking about supporting our men with normal daily visual temptation and handling frustration.  If your man is committing infidelity, has an uncontrolled mental disorder, is addicted to drugs/alcohol or is violent, these are serious issues, and I ask that you seek godly counsel ASAP.  These things go beyond the scope of this post and this blog.  If you are suffering with severe problems in your relationship and would like to talk with me about it and allow me to pray with you, you may leave a comment.  But you will also need to find local, godly help – a strong Christian pastor or Christian counselor or a doctor (depending on the situation).****

These are some ideas to think and pray about.  Ideally, you will be able to talk with your own guy and see how he might feel most supported and respected in this area (if you are on good terms about talking about vulnerable things.  If there is a lot of tension, or your man is shut down, you may need to pray and seek God’s wisdom and begin trying different ways to show support for your man and see what works):

  • I personally love to have conversations with my husband where I ask him to describe what it is like to be a man.  Not in an “inquisition” kind of way.  But in a, “I am really interested in seeing life through your eyes – what is it like to walk in your shoes?” kind of way.  If you do this, you MUST BE A SAFE PLACE for him to talk.  If he shares his heart and vulnerability and then you condemn him, criticize him, look down on him, or act like he is such a worse sinner than you are – he will not share these kinds of things again.  Truthfully, we are all awful sinners on our own.  None of us is good.  Only God is good.  Be trustworthy, accepting, open-minded, genuinely curious, empathetic and supportive so that he will feel safe sharing his world with you.  Understand that him having temptation is normal.  It is not sin to be tempted.  His feeling tempted has nothing to do with his love or commitment for you or God.  Temptation is everywhere in our culture, and practically impossible to avoid.  Remember that Jesus was tempted but did not sin.  It is sin to give in to the temptation or to make provision for the flesh.  Asking things like, “I’ve read about how men are really visual, but I’m not sure I get it.  What is it like to be so visual for you?  How do you see the world? What do you like about being made like this?  What are the challenges you face?  How can I be on your team and support you?”  Or “What was it like going through puberty as a guy?  What were your favorite parts?  What was frustrating?  Did your hormones ever make you feel ‘out of control’?  Did you ever wish you could turn off being visual?   What do you wish you had known back then that might have helped you?”
  • PRAY for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Not in a condemning “I am so much better than he is” way  (that is pride and self-righteousness and is big time sin in God’s holy sight) – but as if you are truly on his team, respectfully asking God to protect him from temptation and to empower him to have His wisdom and strength and victory for God’s glory.
  • Be an understanding ear.  If he shares about a temptation – THANK HIM for sharing and appreciate him being so vulnerable and trusting you with his deepest soul.  If you can approach him with empathy and kindness in the face of his weaknesses, you can create a much deeper bond with him than you could ever imagine!
  • Wear beautiful, modest feminine clothes out of reverence primarily for Christ, but also out of respect for yourself, for your sexuality, for your guy and for other men.
  • Don’t make provision for the flesh.  Don’t wear immodest clothing or try to seduce him.  Seek to honor God by not planning much time alone with your man that would be tempting for either of you.  Don’t plan to live together before marriage.  Don’t plan to stay overnight together without a chaperone.  Try to avoid being alone in private together if possible.  Most of all, stay VERY close to Christ. Abide in Him and allow His Spirit to control and fill you!  Seek to honor God and pursue chastity in your relationship with your guy!
  • Don’t share his struggles with other people generally.  (There may be times you need to share with a godly Christian counselor/pastor/godly mentoring wife/woman – but only with utmost respect, humility and caution and with someone you trust will also hold you accountable for your own sin!!!!  Or if he is being very controlling or pressuring you sexually or violent – then please tell someone and get help ASAP!)  He needs to know that he can trust you not to expose his weaknesses – remember, please only date guys who are totally committed to Christ!  (If there is serious sin, major porn addiction or infidelity – please seek godly, experienced counsel!  There may be times when you must gently, firmly, respectfully confront sin.  But it should be with grace, with love, softly and with understanding.  See Matthew 7:1-5 and 18:15-17 and see I Corinthians 13:4-8)
  • Be friendly!  Smile.  Use a pleasant tone of voice most of the time.  Have a pleasant expression on your face a lot of times.  Act like you LIKE him.  That means SO MUCH to him!
  • Obey God’s Word for you as a woman.  Be the woman of God’s dreams.  The more you are the godly woman God desires you to be, the greater the blessing you will be to your man.  Study and learn to stop disrespect, and to  start respecting him and to honor his God-given leadership.
  • Use every opportunity to show genuine faith, admiration and trust in your man.  If he has destroyed your trust, show him that you want to learn to trust him again and that it is possible for you to learn to trust him again and gently share what you need to see to be able to trust him again.  Or, if you are not married, you are free to break up with him if trust has been shattered.  Seek God’s wisdom!
  • Speak highly of him to others.  Do not bash him to other people.
  • Tell him the things he does that you appreciate.
  • Realize that men will see other women.  They will notice beautiful women.  Noticing that a woman is beautiful is NOT the same thing as lusting after her.  If he has issues with lust, yes, it would be awesome if he would “bounce his eyes” as soon as he sees a provocatively dressed woman.  BUT, keep in mind that you are not the Holy Spirit.  You cannot force a man to have a pure thought life.  That is between your guy and God.  If you try to be the “thought police” – you will probably destroy the relationship.  I believe that we as women have plenty of sinful temptations in our own thought life (pride, self-righteousness, desiring control, disrespect, trusting self instead of God, etc… that we actually are accountable for to God.  I’d like to see us focus on our own sin/obedience and trust God to work in our men.
  • Have a joyful heart in Christ.  Spend significant time in God’s Word and in prayer daily.  Your guy probably measures his success as a man by YOUR happiness many times.  Yikes!  Yes, he should be measuring himself by God’s standards, but you can give a huge gift to your man by finding your joy and peace in Christ.  The more joyful you are, the more motivated your guy is to want to please you (usually, in time) and the more he will generally care about your feelings as he feels successful and feels respected and admired and honored by you.  But your main motive must be to love and honor Jesus. Let Him handle the timing and results.
  • Take care of yourself.  Eat well.  Sleep well.  Get some (reasons able amount of)  exercise.  Do some things you enjoy.  Then you will be a much better woman!
  • Seek to be Spirit-filled.  That is the only way to be a godly woman!  You can’t do it in your own power!

I pray that every believer might feel safe enough, respected enough and loved enough to explain his/her struggles and battles and to ask for what he/she needs in their romantic relationships.  And I pray that every one of us might learn to support our partner in an encouraging, understanding, godly, grace-filled, forgiving way.  Then God can give men and women victory over our flesh, sinful natures and temptations as we work together for His greatest glory!

The floor is open for discussion!  What ways have you found to support guys in these issues?

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