A Reader Asks about a Frustrating Situation with a Guy She Likes

Posted on July 25, 2013 by


I found your blog a few months ago it’s helped me so much to understand the man’s mind.
I wanted to share a bit of my story with you and ask for some guidance. I’m a 24 year old woman that is single ( big surprise lol) I became friends with a guy  about two years ago.  He was sweet, funny, kind and believed in the Lord. Our relationship was platonic but then he moved about an hour away we still keep in touch, texted and talked. One day it started to be flirtatious and things shifted.   We said, “I miss you,” and he asked me to come see him so I did.
We spent hours together kissing (something I had never done I always had been very careful and guarded when it came to guys) that went out the window when it came to him.   I refrained from sleeping with him although he wanted to (he has since grown alot in his faith).  I still went farther than I would have ever thought I would and have guilt that comes with that type physical intimacy. I got in my car and drove myself home that night glad that I had keep my virginity but still felt like I had lost a piece of my innocence.
The next day he told me he didn’t want to have a relationship.
I was heartbroken.
It was many months before we texted again but then we started back up.  He usually was the first one to contact me and has mentioned us being a couple – but never followed through. I still had hope we might end up together but its been a year since we kissed.  I do know the odds are not in my favor for us to start dating.
So I have slowly started the process of talking to a few Christian guys just putting some feelers out there. But I still feel l’m waiting for him.  It’s silly, but the thought of being with any one else just almost makes my sick. I have prayed to forget him, get over him, to focus on the Lord.  It doesn’t work.  He is in my thoughts daily. Our speaking is sporadic – but still there.  I’m kind of at a loss as to what to do its been long enough I should be past this by now. Very unsure of God’s plans for me…
How do you move on?
Is God telling me to wait?
Thank you:)
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
Can you tell me about this guy’s relationship with Christ, his parents’ marriage, his sexual history and history of relationships?
Can you tell me about your relationship with Christ?

If he told you he didn’t want a relationship – it is wise to honor that and move on.

There are lots of reasons he may have said that:
– he may feel like he is not “good enough” for you and that he can’t keep himself from wanting you sexually.
– he may feel like he is too tempted.
– he may feel like you are too tempted.
– he may have issues that you know nothing about.
What kinds of things has he been saying since he got in touch with you again?Has he had other relationships since then?I believe that if he wanted a relationship with you – he would be willing to follow through.

Does he know you are interested in a relationship?

What does he say about why he is not involved with you yet?
Does he put Jesus way above everything else?
Does he seem upset if you talk to other guys?
Do you ever see each other?
How does he act?
I don’t know that God is telling you to wait.  Based on the very little bit of info I have at this point –
I think you may want to pray about  saying something like,

“I know you have talked about us dating.  I am interested in dating you.  I have been waiting for you to take the lead so I can follow you and honor your leadership.  If you do not want to date, I respect that, and I would appreciate you letting me know your intentions, please.”

Then, give him some time to think – and let him get in touch with you if he is interested.  Then after you have waited maybe a month or so, if you haven’t heard from him – begin making plans with other guys unless you really believe God is directing you to do something else.

FROM A READER
Hi, Thank you for replying.  It’s nice to have a different perspective.
His relationship with Christ seems to have really grown over the past 8 months or so.  He did grow up in a Christian home but through his teen years, he fell away form that.  So, he has many short term relationships with girls but never a long term one. I know he has had sex and probably many sexual incounters.
I have a good relationship with Christ and take this part of my life very seriously and try to honor my God in any way I can. Of course I feel at times, He has left to just figure things out by myself.
Most of the time when we talk its just normal daily stuff.
  • how’s work?
  • how’s college?
  • what we have been up to…

Nothing too serious except for he told me, “Sorry for the way things worked out.”

Once, we briefly talked about how things would be if we where a couple. When we see each other (which is not often) he is friendly but seems to ignore the fact that we have been together. He did get jealous the last time I saw him when I casually mentioned a guy I worked with. I could tell he didn’t like those  apples! lol.  He has not had a relationship since us that I know of.
I did ask him on a date about six weeks ago but he was going on a mission and couldn’t go. He came home after that and never made plans with me. I know it’s done, but you never realize how much a past relationship can haunt you until it just happens. I have learned so much from this experience and I will certainly never be the same.
Since I first wrote to you, I went on my first coffee date with a young man I meet online and I’m excited to say I’ve started to slowly move on:)

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

In my view,  once a guy KNOWS that you are interested in dating him, and especially if he has even talked about it – but then doesn’t mention anything again for months and months – something is not right there.

It is very difficult to “give up” on a dream of being with a guy you really like.  But to me, especially with the two statements

  • “I don’t want a relationship” (the day after the kissing)
  • “Sorry for the way things worked out”

It is obvious to me that he is not interested and he doesn’t have plans to pursue you.  When a man gives a clear indication that he does not want a relationship – I believe it is definitely time to move on.
How to move on – here are a few suggestions:

  • focus on God’s sovereignty and the fact that He has a good plan for your life.
  • realize that if God shuts this door, there are good reasons for that!
  • focus on Christ, praising Him, thanking Him, looking for opportunities to serve Him.
  • take your pain to Jesus, pouring out your heart to Him when you need to.
  • Talk with a godly girl friend or mentor.
  • Take up some charity work/missionary work/volunteer work and give of yourself to people in need
  • seek God first!
  • feel your emotions and grieve over the lost dream.
  • don’t allow yourself much time to dwell on him.  The more you think about him, the more upsetting it will be!  Take those thoughts captive for Christ and set your mind on the things of heaven and also looking forward to the future God has planned for you.

What do y’all think?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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