Insecurity seems to be a practically universal struggle for women.
We want security in our relationships with men, and – really, with other people, too. We want to know that we are lovable. We want to know that no matter what happens, those we love will still love us.
We want security in the love of our men, their ability to protect us, their ability to provide for us, their trustworthiness, our safety with them, etc…
When Greg and I took a class on the 7 Basic Needs of a Husband and the 7 Basic Needs of a Wife – our teacher said that the #1 basic need of a wife is “A wife needs the stability and direction of a husband who is functioning as the spiritual leader of his family.” I believe that another way of saying this is “security.” I think that is interesting, considering the wife represents the church in marriage and the husband represents Christ. Also interesting that the #1 need of a husband is “a wife who respects him for who he is as a man.”
Ideally, our men would be men of honor whom we could greatly respect. But even the most godly men will disappoint us at times. (I am not saying to date ungodly men! Only date godly men, but realize they are human.)
Here is a little secret about security for you.
If you try to find security in anything or anyone other than Jesus – you are going to be full of fear, anxiety and insecurity constantly!
Sometimes as women, we think we are honoring and serving Christ, but then we start to put our faith in other places, too. We start to look to other things to find our identity, to find our purpose, to feel safe and secure in our hearts. Things like:
- self
- romance
- trying to be in control
- perfectionism
- people pleasing
- education
- high grades
- sports
- a committed relationship with a man
- our man to do what we want him to do (“If he would just do what I want, everything would be great!”)
- a man who never ever ever notices that there are any other beautiful women on the planet
- my man’s sinlessness (even in his thought life – this is a HUGE idol for many women! “If I can just monitor his computer/phone all the time, and if I can watch to be sure he is not sinning at all, then I can feel secure.”)
- a diamond ring
- a wedding
- marriage
- sex
- children
- money
- a great career
- luxury
- a house
- a fancy car
- having certain friends
- popularity
- adventure/excitement
- partying
- drugs/alcohol
- escape
- fame
- beauty
- having a certain body shape/size
The list could go on and on. What we are really doing here – is – we are trying to fill a God-shaped hole in our hearts with things that will never satisfy us.
Worldly things cannot bring true contentment! God Himself makes sure of that! I am so thankful!
Only Jesus can truly satisfy the deepest needs and longings of our souls.
These other things can easily become idols that we put above Christ in our lives – these things can become more important to us than intimacy with Him. That is one HUGE problem! Idolatry breaks the most important commandment to have no other gods in our lives but to worship the One True Lord God and serve Him only. To God, when we put other things in His proper place of worship in our lives, and try to find our identity, purpose, fulfillment and contentment in those things – it is as if we are committing adultery on Him in a marriage covenant. But His covenant with us is even more sacred than a marriage covenant. This is SERIOUS stuff. Many times, we don’t even realize what we are doing! But there are some symptoms we can look for to tip us off.
SYMPTOMS OF INSECURITY – THAT WE MAY BE PUTTING SOMETHING ABOVE CHRIST IN OUR HEARTS AS AN IDOL:
- desperation for something other than Christ
- neediness towards the thing/person we idolize – thinking we MUST have that thing/that person to be happy!
- despair
- loss of joy
- anxiety, lack of peace
- depression (this is one cause for depression – it is not the only one!)
- fear
- willingness to sin to have the thing/person in which we place our trust, a willingness to go after our idol no matter what the cost to us or anyone else
- obsession
- extreme anger when someone attempts to take our idol away
- the things of God seem boring
- God’s Word does not spring to life when we read it
- a lack of ability to hear God’s voice
- disobedience to the Word of God
- comparing ourselves to others
- complaining
- arguing
- increasing sin
- a hardened heart to God
- pride that I know what is best
- discontentment
- bitterness
There are many more – but hopefully this will help us recognize what we are doing. Basically, our sinful nature is in control – but we are not getting the happiness we want and we become more and more sinful as we try to reach for that thing we think we have to have. It consumes us.
God designed us to find our identity, our purpose, our fulfillment, our strength, our refuge, our joy and peace in Him alone.
HE IS OUR LIFE!
HE IS OUR REWARD!
HE IS OUR IDENTITY!
HE IS OUR PURPOSE!
HE IS EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD!
When I see negative feelings, anger, jealousy, discontentment, greed in my soul – it is a big flag to check my motives and to look for idols in my heart. They must all be torn out by the root.
INSECURITY IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN
If we begin to feel very insecure with a man, it is often because we have taken our eyes off of Christ. It’s time to ask myself some hard questions in the light of God’s Word and His Spirit
- What is my purpose here?
- Why do I feel insecure? Is he sinning against me? Or am I trying to find security in him that I can really only find in Christ Jesus?
- What is the goal of my life?
- What do I believe I need to make me happy? Is it anything other than Jesus?
- Could I be putting this man above Christ in my heart?
- Am I expecting this man to meet needs that only Jesus can meet in my soul?
- Am I trying to please this man or this person above pleasing God?
- Am I seeking this person’s approval above God’s approval?
- Am I looking for reassurance that I am worthy of love in this human relationship?
- Where am I looking for my security?
- How is my communion with God?
WE HAVE NO REASON FOR INSECURITY IN CHRIST JESUS!
The way that we develop a godly, feminine, gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear (I Peter 3:4-6) is that we put our trust 100% in our sovereign God.
- THAT is how we can be at peace no matter what our circumstances.
- THAT is how we can be unshakable.
- THAT is how we don’t have to struggle with feeling insecure about our looks, our bodies, our abilities, our lovability or anything else.
THE THINGS TO FOCUS ON AS WE GROW IN OUR SECURITY AND FAITH IN CHRIST ARE:
WHAT DOES GOD’S WORD SAY ABOUT ME WHEN I DON’T HAVE CHRIST?
I’m sure that “self esteem” experts wouldn’t like what I am about to share. But, God says that we are all wretched sinners. How is that for boosting our self esteem?
- God says “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23
- “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one… ruin and misery mark their ways, the way of peace they do not know. There is no fear of God before their eyes.” Romans 3:10-12, 16-18
- We are all image bearers of God. We were created to bring glory to God (Genesis 2). But we all became slaves to sin.
- We all deserve God’s wrath and judgment for our sin. (Romans 6:23)
- We can do nothing on our own to restore a right relationship with God. (Ephesians 2:8)
WHO AM I IN CHRIST?
Once I receive the gift that Jesus offers to me – where I accept that He took the wrath and punishment upon Himself for my sins that I deserved – and I accept that in total faith and trust in Him – He gives me a new life. He gives me a new identity. He gives me a new heart and mind and a new nature. He crucifies my sinful nature with Him on the cross. All things become new. I accept Him not only as my Savior – who saved me from the punishment God would have righteously given to me for my sin – but I accept Him as Lord. Now He is the Master. I am a slave to Him. I am free from sin and now I am a slave to righteousness!
Our security is found in Christ alone.
We’ll talk much more about “What is My Identity on My Own?”, “Who is Christ?”, “Who Am I in Christ?”, in the next few posts!!!!!
THIS is exciting stuff! 🙂
crimsonviceroy
August 23, 2013
God bless you for speaking up for Christ, April. I can’t begin to express the exhaustion and frustration of continually preaching the message of Christ to those who want to make marriage and relationships into an idol. I’ve heard sermons from famous pastors that allude to how Eve’s sin in consuming the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil is due to the inability of Adam to exert the proper leadership from her sinning. Such is the egregiously heavy burden that is lain upon the shoulders of your brothers in Christ. Such is the fallacy and pure heresy of “Headship Theology” as it is taught in modern churches. If I can’t redeem myself from my own sins, how in the world am I supposed to do so for the woman I would call my wife? You now have preachers and even online bloggers talking about how when a wife feels insecure and that she feels as though she is not loved that either her husband isn’t compassionate towards her in listening and complying with her needs, or that he isn’t exerting enough “machismo” and “dominance” instead of pointing to the root cause which is the need to reach out to God in prayer. It’s one thing to say that the husband or the man is the head of the family and the spiritual leader. In that capacity he has responsibilities similar to that of a priest to a congregation. However if one in the congregation continues to sin then it is NOT the priest’s responsibility to answer for that parishiner’s sin’s. We all have our own crosses to bear for Christ and that is heavy enough burden for anyone. We have to yield all of ourselves over to Christ, even when the future remains uncertain and all roads seem dark. For He is our Light and through us His light should shine for a very dark world. Thank you for reminding everyone where our ultimate needs in EVERYTHING must be fulfilled…through Christ, in EVERYTHING.
peacefulwife
August 23, 2013
Crimsonviceroy,
I so admire your devotion to Christ, to His Word, to His truth and to obedience to Him. Your unwavering hold to our Lord is beautiful! Thank you for your perspective here.
It is a huge uphill battle in our culture, even in the church, to see all the idols we make and serve today. I made MANY idols in my heart for decades – and didn’t even know it. I thought I was worshipping God and was a strong Christian that whole time. At least when someone carves an idol, they realize they are worshipping an idol. But when we, who are in the church, have idols today- many times we are completely unaware of our sin. We have no idea what the problem really is.
I personally had made idols of self, trying to be in control, having MY way, expecting my husband to be Christ to me in ways that only Jesus can be (so my husband was an idol), before I got married, getting married was an idol. In marriage, I expected marriage to bring me true contentment – but only Jesus can do that! I trusted myself. I didn’t trust God. I said I trusted God. I thought I trusted God. But I lived as if I were sovereign over my own life and those around me. I expected my husband to see that I was “always right” and to submit to my will. I had PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE – placing self above God and above my husband’s God-given leadership. All of this – I was totally blind to.
THANK GOD that He did not allow me to find contentment in my false worship and my idolatry!!!!! It was my pain, my despair, my discontentment in my idols that drove me to His presence and to His Word.
We will each stand alone before God – accountable and responsible to Him for our faith in Him, for our obedience to Him, for our sin against Him, for our submission and reverence to Him. My husband cannot make me obey God. He cannot keep me from sinning. He can lead me. He can try to lead me. But I must willingly and voluntarily follow.
Only God can open our eyes and convict us of sin. We can’t even open our own eyes. We can’t change ourselves. But God can change us. He changed me radically! Now I am so honored and blessed to be able to show others what He has done in my life and what He can do in their lives.
It has to ALL be about Christ Jesus. Nothing else matters.
Thank you so much for your words that exalt Christ.
JC
August 24, 2013
It’s so true. Church culture is just not the place for a man to go to find love, and only stands to damage our understanding of a God who loves us and helps us in our own weaknesses.
And get this: He protects us from women just as He protects women from men. He holds people accountable for their sins against each other regardless of the gender, albeit for different roles.
It’s just a way of passing responsibility onto others all the time. Church culture’s concept of leadership is so flawed, like leaders are not allowed to have vulnerabilities and needs to be met, and is supposed to shoulder the burdens of a sedentary following.
Rather, a leader is supposed to motivate his followers are mutual workers–get the whole body of Christ moving, mutually supportive, individually accountable. He’s not supposed to try and hold up a multitude, nor is a husband supposed to consider himself accountable for the choices of his wife. A leader, like a follower, can only do his part, and a has needs to be met from a follower just as vice-versa.
peacefulwife
August 24, 2013
JC,
I am so glad you brought this up – leaders DO have needs, too. ANd they are human. One of my favorite Bible teachers at our church is beginning a class tomorrow about Spiritual Authority. I am SO EXCITED about learning all I can about this critical concept that has been so unbelievably twisted in our culture.
He mentioned a few needs of spiritual leaders/spiritual authorities in a marriage class 2 years ago – and I have been hungry to learn more about this ever since.
How I pray that God might give our leaders His wisdom and that He might remove the divisions in His body. I pray for unity in the church – locally and around the world. I pray for Jesus to be exalted. I pray for His Word to be boldly and unapologetically preached in it’s entirety and without any contamination by ungodly or worldly ideas.
I pray for the body of Christ to have unity – and that we might bring joy to our leadership, not great burdens.
Thank you for addressing such an important issue, JC!
LITTLE SUSIE
August 23, 2013
GREAT ARTICLE, APRIL! YOU HAVE SPOKEN THE TRUTH. I APPRECIATE ALL YOUR WISDOM AND ADVISES.
peacefulwife
August 23, 2013
Thank you, Susie! May God richly bless your walk with Him. 🙂
jack
August 23, 2013
An additional thought on the submission concept.
As I have stated elsewhere, a woman is looking for a man who can lead. An unsaved woman, not having the strength of the Lord, may be more susceptible to following a worldly man provided he exudes an aura of strength.
Christian women are caught between their natural inclinations and their spiritual inclinations.
However, the stronger a woman is in her faith, the easier it will be for her to see that her strength comes from the Lord, and that she does not have to find so much of it in her husband.
Ultimately, her submission is far more to the Lord than it is to her husband, the Lord having the final authority over our lives more than any person.
It is important to realize that when a wife submits to her husband, it is a deliberate act of her will, not some force external to her that compels her to submit. Submission from a wife to a husband not freely given is really meaningless to a man with self-respect. Just as forced, obligatory displays of affection from the husband are not as meaningful to a woman as those same things freely given.
Submission, therefore, is an act of a woman’s will, deciding with her own moral agency that she will submit to her husband.
The husband does not “enforce” submission on the wife. He simply responds to it.
At work, if I fail to submit to the authority of my supervisor, it is not my supervisor who enforces on me. He will report me to upper management, who is the power of enforcement.
If a wife does not submit to her husband, the husband needs to take the issue to the Lord, who is the one who will ultimately judge whether husband and wife have acted according to their commandments.
Can a woman be in submission to the Lord, yet refusing to submit to an imperfect, but generally Godly man? Maybe, maybe not. And the reverse: Can a man claim to love the Lord and then not love his imperfect but otherwise Godly wife? Hm.
peacefulwife
August 23, 2013
JACK!
THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
AMEN! AMEN!
Yes, submission is first to Christ – and it absolutely must be a voluntary, willing act on the part of a wife. It cannot be coerced or forced. That would be slavery, not joyful, trusting, adoring following and honoring of the husband’s leadership.
I love that! “The husband does not ‘enforce’ submission on the wife. He simply responds to it.”
I also love the parallels with the authority at work.
This is brilliant.
Those questions at the bottom – those are the important questions! A woman’s ultimate test of faith, in my view, is if she is willing to trust God to lead her through her imperfect husband and respect him and honor his leadership, even when she doesn’t agree. I believe a wife’s level of respect and biblical submission for her husband are a tangible and outward indicator of her reverence and submission to Christ as Lord.
And a husband’s love for his imperfect wife, I believe, is a tangible and outward indicator of the level of his love for God.
Thank you so much for sharing! Would you please allow me to quote you?
jack
August 25, 2013
Submission is a vote. A vote of confidence in a man’s leadership.
Think of governments where a vote of no confidence is taken, which effectively dissolves a government and removes a leader.
Ladies, your man needs your vote. The whole world is full of corrupt and ungodly people who are not looking out for your best interests. And satan wants to harm him and bring him to nothing. And you along with it.
Women want a confident man. If you do not express confidence in him, he will believe you. You are part of him, because marriage makes the two of you one flesh. A woman’s lack of confidence in her husband is not some external observation. It is an internal break in his composition, and the damage will show.
He must know you trust him, and are behind him. Men respond to duty, and to their own internal sense of obligation. The obligation can’t effectively be brought from the outside as easily, especially if it seems like nagging. If you think he may not be leading correctly, take the problem to his boss – Christ.
Christ is not interested in having the men under His authority being slack and ineffectual.
And He will straighten a husband out for sure. But the wife might not get the satisfaction of seeing her husband disciplined, because the Lord knows that can lead to pride.
She must simply be appreciative of the changes the Lord makes in him.