If You Fall for a Man Who Doesn’t Do Much Talking – Part 1

Posted on October 15, 2013 by


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I have heard from at least 5 wives on my other blog this week (www.peacefulwife.com) who are extremely upset because their husbands don’t talk much with them.  They say things like:

  • My husband barely talks to me.  We only speak a few sentences to each other during the week, and it is all about chores. I feel so emotionally disconnected from him.  I feel like we are roommates.  I don’t feel like we are married.
  • My husband won’t talk with me about anything.  He says he has nothing on his mind and doesn’t need to talk.
  • He is upset that I don’t want to have sex with him because I feel so emotionally disconnected from him all the time.
  • I was fine with him just wanting to touch me when we were dating.  But now I don’t like being touched by him at all since he won’t talk to me about his feelings.
  • Yes, my husband does things to show me his love for me and he provides for our family by working at a job he hates, but I need him to talk with me or I can’t take it anymore!  I think I need to leave him.
  • My husband never gives me affirmation or compliments.  He won’t meet my needs!
  • I can’t live with a man who won’t talk about his deepest feelings and thoughts.
  • I take it very personally that he won’t share his heart with me.
  • He wants space and time to himself and I feel unloved when he doesn’t want to spend time with me talking.

So, I ask some questions like:

1. What was he like when you were dating?

2. Is this just his personality?

3. Does he speak to anyone else?

4. What was he like growing up?

5. Does he have any issues like Asperger’s , ADD, bi-polar, depression, autism or any addictions?

And the wives tell me things like:

1. He hated talking on the phone when we were dating.  He said things like, “I don’t have anything to talk about.”  “I don’t like talking on the phone”

2.  Yes this is his personality, but I thought things would change when we got married.

3.  He doesn’t have any close friends and only speaks if people speak to him.  He doesn’t like talking.

4. He was shy and/or didn’t talk much growing up either.

5. ***  If he has mental health issues – that is going to take a much greater level of grace, understanding and respect on your part to be a godly wife to him.  Be sure you research his condition and understand what you are getting into and be sure you can accept the extra challenges before marrying this man.

HERE IS SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND, LADIES…

  • If a man doesn’t  talk a lot before you get married, that is how he will be after you marry him!  
  • It is extremely unfair to assume his entire personality will change just because you marry him!

If you want a man who talks a lot – don’t marry a man who prefers to keep to himself.

Realize you are going to have to adjust your expectations around his personality and that you will need to learn to adapt your skills and communications gifts to suit him.  God created the woman to be the husband’s helpmeet.  Not the other way around.  We have the most flexibility.  We must be prepared to adjust to the individual qualities, weaknesses, strengths and quirks of our husbands.

IF YOU DO MARRY A MAN WHO DOESN’T TALK A LOT:

  • Accept that he shows love without words and appreciate the ways he shows love – by providing for the family, by taking care of the house, by helping with the kids and chores, by running to the store if you ask him to… these are his ways of showing love.  The key is that a wife needs to recognize how he shows love and accept his way of showing love as being valid and appreciating what he does instead of being angry that he doesn’t change and doesn’t show love with a lot of emotional words.
  • Be prepared to get a lot of your talking needs met with some godly girlfriends.
  • You will need to be able to rest in his love without getting a lot of verbal affirmation or reassurance of his love.  And you will need to accept that he is not wrong for not being verbal about his emotions and about his love, he is just different.  That will have to be ok.
  • Learn to read his body language and non-verbal communication about his love for you.
  • Accept that he may not give a lot of compliments – and appreciate that he probably doesn’t give a lot of criticism, either.
  • Be willing to accept his way of bonding many times – by being together shoulder to shoulder doing something without a lot of talking.
  • Be willing to freely offer him the space he needs to recharge on his own.
  • If he doesn’t appreciate or want a lot of verbal praise/affirmation/encouragement – learn how to bless him with non-verbal respect  – big smiles, possibly hugs if he is ok with that, doing special things for him that he would appreciate.
  • Be willing not to pressure him to try to make him open up.
  • Create an emotionally/spiritually safe place for him in case he does want to share.  Be relaxed.
  • If he does share something vulnerable with you, don’t use that against him or tell other people about it!  Be trustworthy and loyal!
  • Don’t turn him into an idol and don’t turn the idea of having deep emotional conversations into an idol.
  • Accept him the way he is without wanting to change him.
  • Be calm and pleasant and friendly when you share your heart with him. Let him associate “talking with you” with pleasant emotions.
  • Be willing to offer yourself joyfully to him sexually once you are married, even if he doesn’t have an hour conversation with you about feelings – realizing that for him, sex IS emotional and spiritual connection with you.

RELATED:

The Introvert Husband – by the Genuine Husband

FROM THE MYERS-BRIGGS FOUNDATION:

Extraversion or Introversion
The first pair of psychological preferences is Extraversion and Introversion. Where do you put your attention and get your energy? Do you like to spend time in the outer world of people and things (Extraversion), or in your inner world of ideas and images (Introversion)?Extraversion and Introversion as terms used by C. G. Jung explain different attitudes people use to direct their energy. These words have a meaning in psychology that is different from the way they are used in everyday language.Everyone spends some time extraverting and some time introverting. Don’t confuse Introversion with shyness or reclusiveness. They are not related.Take a minute to ask yourself which of the following descriptions seems more natural, effortless, and comfortable for you?Extraversion (E)
I like getting my energy from active involvement in events and having a lot of different activities. I’m excited when I’m around people and I like to energize other people. I like moving into action and making things happen. I generally feel at home in the world. I often understand a problem better when I can talk out loud about it and hear what others have to say.The following statements generally apply to me:

  • I am seen as “outgoing” or as a “people person.”
  • I feel comfortable in groups and like working in them.
  • I have a wide range of friends and know lots of people.
  • I sometimes jump too quickly into an activity and don’t allow enough time to think it over.
  • Before I start a project, I sometimes forget to stop and get clear on what I want to do and why.

Introversion (I)
I like getting my energy from dealing with the ideas, pictures, memories, and reactions that are inside my head, in my inner world. I often prefer doing things alone or with one or two people I feel comfortable with. I take time to reflect so that I have a clear idea of what I’ll be doing when I decide to act. Ideas are almost solid things for me. Sometimes I like the idea of something better than the real thing.

The following statements generally apply to me:

  • I am seen as “reflective” or “reserved.”
  • I feel comfortable being alone and like things I can do on my own.
  • I prefer to know just a few people well.
  • I sometimes spend too much time reflecting and don’t move into action quickly enough.
  • I sometimes forget to check with the outside world to see if my ideas really fit the experience.

Adapted from Looking at Type: The Fundamentals
by Charles R. Martin (CAPT 1997)

 

 

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