When Another Woman Flirts with or Goes After Your Man

Posted on October 23, 2013 by


smiling guy

Let me begin by saying – I am NOT an expert in this area.  I have corresponded with dozens and dozens of women in these kinds of situations.  I will offer some possible suggestions that I believe may be helpful.

I am not saying I have all the answers.  I think this may be a great discussion to have together. My hope is to attempt to point us to Christ and His Word.  He is the only one with valuable wisdom.  I desire to honor the Bible in my suggestions and approach to these difficult topics.  Or course – there is no such concept as “dating” in the Bible.  So living in our culture makes things a bit more tricky.  But God’s Word and His Spirit are the ones with all wisdom and who can always give us proper counsel.  Please always weigh anything I or any human says against Scripture and test it for yourself before accepting any teaching!

IF A MAN IS GENERALLY TRUSTWORTHY…

I am talking about another woman doing some SERIOUS flirting and being clearly inappropriate here – not just being friendly.  AND, as always, I am assuming you are dating a godly man who loves Jesus WAY more than he loves you and who longs to please God with his life.  I am also assuming that you love Jesus WAY more than you love your guy and that you want more than anything to please Christ and honor Him with your life.

If you are not living with Christ as Lord or your man doesn’t live his life for Jesus – that is a HUGE problem!  This post is not a good place to start in that situation.  Each person’s greatest primary need is Jesus. I have a post about how to have a relationship with Christ at the top of my home page if you are interested. 🙂  Once we have established that Christ is your Savior and LORD – then these ideas may be helpful.  But if you are living apart from the power of God’s Spirit – a lot of what I write about is probably not going to make much sense.

Here are some suggestions to prayerfully consider:

  • PRAY for God to give your man His wisdom and power to have victory over every sin and temptation.
  • Pray for God’s protection from evil for your man and for yourself.
  • Pray for God to work in the other woman’s heart and draw her to Himself.
  • Pray for yourself and watch your motives – that you may greatly bless your guy in this time of trial and possible temptation.
  • Focus on the good in your man and in your life- Philippians 4:8
  • Develop a spirit of joy in the Lord and thanksgiving.
  • Avoid gossip, cutting sarcasm, complaining, arguing, criticizing, lecturing, condemning, scolding, belittling and/or making fun of your man or the other woman.  These are all commands God has given to us as believers.  (Check out Ephesians 4:20-5:19)
  • Focus on Romans 12:9-21 about how God desires us to respond to our “enemies” with love, kindness and His power – overcoming evil with good and not allowing ourselves to be overcome by evil.
  • THANK your guy for being a man of integrity and godly character if he is not flirting back.
  • Show FAITH in him that you trust him to handle the situation wisely if he has never given you good reason not to trust him.  If he HAS given you good reasons not to trust him – that is a big red flag!
  • Don’t freak out.  It is your peaceful, gentle, calm spirit that draws him toward you – not wild hysterics and giving way to every possible fear and “what if” scenario.
  • Spend plenty of time with God – seek Him WAY above everything!!!!!!!  Abide in Him.  Feast on His Word daily.  Repent of any sin in your own heart and allow His Spirit to fill you up with His power.
  • Thank your man for his honesty in sharing with you what is going on with a woman who is being inappropriate with him.
  • Show him that you are on his team and that you don’t feel threatened by this woman.  Be confident in his love for you and most of all in Christ’s love for you.  That is attractive!
  • Allow him to handle things.  Part of respecting our men is that we don’t try to rescue them or act like we think they are incapable of handling a situation.
  • I STRONGLY suggest that you NOT try to contact the woman yourself.  I have not personally seen that to be an effective method of resolving things, it often creates MAJOR drama.  It usually makes the girlfriend look AWFUL and can be a red flag to your man that you are going to be a continual source of problems for him in the future.  Especially if the woman is at his work or his church and your interference could affect his job or his ministry.  This is the kind of thing that may be appropriate on a Jerry Springer show.  But I don’t believe it is generally wise for a girlfriend/fiance/wife to directly contact and confront the other woman.  She will respond much better to your man telling her to back off than she will respond to you telling her to stay away from your man, in my view.
  • Ask him in a pleasant, friendly, non-pressuring way if there is anything you can do to make that situation easier on him when he brings it up.
  • Sympathize with him that it is a frustrating situation to have to deal with a woman who is throwing herself at him and let him know that you understand why she finds him so attractive.
  • Unless you see him giving in to sin – trust him and assume the best about him, not the worst.
  • Thank him for not responding in kind to the woman’s flirtations.
  • THANK HIM for being your man and for his faithfulness to you and for him being a man of honor.
  • I suggest – don’t keep bringing it up if he is not responding sinfully.  But it can reveal a woman is extremely insecure if she keeps bringing the issue up constantly – that can repel our men.
  • Be a safe place for him to share his struggles.
  • LISTEN any time he wants to talk about this problem or any problem he is facing.
  • Most men do not appreciate unsolicited advice – that can feel disrespectful to them.  Strive to only give him advice if he asks for it – or it can feel to him like you don’t think he is competent and capable enough to take care of the situation on his own.

Here is something to consider saying/writing to your guy (feel free to copy and paste if you would like):

“I’m really glad you shared with me about what is going on.   Wow. I wish she wouldn’t come on to you like that.   What a difficult and awkward position for you to have to be in – especially at work/church. I am so sorry!  I know that you can’t control what she does or says.  Thank you for being a man of honor and integrity and for your respect me and our relationship.   It means so much to me that you didn’t flirt back.   I love being your girl and having you all to myself. 🙂  You are one AMAZING guy!”

(This is probably about as long as an email/conversation would need to be about this topic.  Brief is usually BETTER.  More words often make things worse when we are communicating about very emotional subjects with our men.)

IF YOU ARE PRESENT WHEN THE WOMAN IS FLIRTING WITH YOUR GUY

This may depend a bit on the situation.  But here are some suggestions to prayerfully consider:

  • Strike up a conversation of your own with the woman.  Ask her about herself.  Be genuinely friendly.  Redirect the conversation.
  • If she knows this is your man, and she continues to come on to him very inappropriately – could be a great time to say to her, “So, how is your relationship with Jesus?”  Seriously.  Why not?  This woman is in desperate need of Christ if she is callously targeting an unavailable guy.   God may well use you to show her how to have a relationship with Christ and find new life.  If your heart is in the right place and you are responding to God’s Spirit – this may be an incredible witnessing opportunity!  Or it may make her decide that she doesn’t want to stick around much longer.  It will probably have one of these effects or the other.  Both are good.
  • Look at your guy and smile sweetly, maybe even wink at him – and allow him to handle it.  Keep your composure.  Be calm.  Think about “Audrey Hepburn” style grace and poise.
  • Do NOT get into a big argument with this woman.  Do not fight with her.  Do not make demands.  Do not threaten her.  There is no need.  You don’t have to stoop to those kind of worldly tactics.  You have nothing to fight about.  Your man is yours.  She wishes she could be you.  Be confident in your man’s love and in God’s love and rest in His peace.
  • If she begins to attack you – that’s ok.  Look to your guy and smile.  He will probably defend you – especially if he generally feels very respected by you.  She is revealing her sinful character.  Let her do that.  She will find that he will lose all respect for her.  You can respond with kindness, not venom.  Then your man has the stark contrast of your godly, Spirit-filled character with the other woman’s sinful nature.  If your man is a godly man – the choice will be very easy.

IF YOUR MAN DOESN’T THINK THAT THIS WOMAN IS A PROBLEM – HE SEES HIMSELF AS “HELPING HER” – BUT YOU THINK SHE IS A BIG PROBLEM

  • Admire your guy for being quick to help women with heavy loads and for being a gentleman.
  • Trust that generally God is able to help your guy see the right boundary lines with other women and to adjust his convictions.  It is not your job to tell him what convictions to have.
  • I think it is wise to have a certain amount of emotional/physical/spiritual distance between someone who is in a committed relationship and members of the opposite sex.  But for you to tell him how much distance to have exactly – that may not be a wise move on  your part.  If you say, “I want you to stay away from her” – you are giving him a demand, an order, a directive… that is not going to go over well with a man, usually.  Men REALLY do NOT like to be told what to do. (Bob Grant)
  • He is probably a very smart guy.  He will probably figure out he needs to stop things if she begins to really get inappropriate – especially if he is a godly man.
My convictions are much more strict about what I allow myself to do than Greg’s.  I don’t ever check his phone, email, messages.  I don’t ever ask about women at his work.  He talks with them.  But I am 100% not worried.  He’s friendly.  He helps women with projects, heavy lifting.  Sometimes he has to ride to a site up to 2.5 hours away alone in a car with women.  This doesn’t phase me.
I personally prefer not to work with men if at all possible.  And I try very hard not to ever be alone with a man or in a car with a man alone or to have private emails/messages with men.  THAT DOES phase me.  I really hate being alone with a man.  So I try to avoid being in such a situation.
Is Greg wrong?
Nope.
Am I wrong?
Nope.
We each have our own convictions.  He will need to form his convictions himself. If things begin to become more dangerous, he will probably see it.
You can say something – if things get worse – like

“I am not going to tell you what to do.  You are a grown man – I totally respect that.  You have the right to make your own decisions in your relationships and in your life.  I would prefer if you were able to spend less time with So and so. (or – “It would mean a lot to me if you could spend less time with So and so”) I think she is trouble.  I totally trust you and your kind, gentlemanly heart.  I trust your motives.  But as a woman, I believe that she is one to watch out for.”

Then – let him think about what you said and allow him to begin to notice what this woman is doing.  If he is a believer in Christ who is seeking God first – I believe he will see the issue and be willing to back away from her.

Generally – I would suggest only saying  something like this once.

If he continues to be “too friendly” or allows her to escalate a lot and she is becoming increasingly inappropriate  – you must accept that you cannot change him.  You may be able to influence him.  But you will need to decide if this is something you can live with or not.  It will depend on the severity of the situation and how close your man allows another woman to get to him – whether he is respecting you and your relationship or not.

If it continues to get worse – it is possible that there may be a point at which you have to say calmly and as unemotionally as possible (so that he can most hear your message),

“I love  you.  I love being your girl.  I don’t like the situation with So and so.  I am upset by how much time and attention you allow her to have with you.  It is more difficult for me to respect you when I see  you not protecting our relationship. I don’t like that.  I want to fully respect you.  I am not asking you to change.  But this situation is not ok with me.  I need to take some time to think/pray about what I need to do here.  This isn’t working for me.”

Then – give him some time to think about what you said.  A few days – a few weeks.  And do some soul searching.  Find godly counsel.

Most likely, he will decide the other girl is not worth losing you.

But if he doesn’t decide it is a priority to create healthy boundaries with the other woman  – it is a GOOD THING to know that now before you marry him!

Obviously – there are many more situations than I can possibly address individually in one post.  But I hope these ideas may be helpful.

——————————————

If he is flirting back  – that is an entirely different situation!  You may want to check out the post  “When Your Husband Flirts with Other Women.”  If you are single, you are not bound to this man and you have every right to break things off if he is flirting inappropriately with other women.  If he flirts with other women before you get married, you can expect more of the same after you get married.

Only marry a man you can truly respect going into marriage!

If there is actual infidelity involved – please seek a godly and wise counsel!

RELATED:

Trying to Find Security in All the Wrong Places

Roots of Insecurity, Low Self Esteem, Jealousy and Desire to Control

REAL Security Is Only Found Here

Is it Wise to be Close Friends with Unbelieving Guys?

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