Approaching Guys in a College Setting

Posted on December 14, 2013 by


I have to tell you – I was really shocked about the laws that changed with Title IX this past year that make it possible for almost anyone to file a sexual harassment claim against almost anyone else if they claim to feel “offended” by another person’s words.

I would imagine that guys on college campuses where these new laws are in effect are going to feel even more disinclined to ask girls out than before – as if risk of rejection isn’t enough – now there is a very real risk of a sexual harassment charge if a guy asks a girl out and she decides that offends her.

UGH.

We live in such a crazy world today!

WHAT IS A CHRISTIAN GIRL TO DO?

I have talked before about allowing a godly guy to pursue you.

My greatest concern with that is that I hope for you to avoid taking control yourself, telling him what to do, setting up the dates, texting him a lot, initiating everything in the relationship, telling him you love him first, pressuring him to commit, pressuring him into marriage, etc.  That is not usually going to be a productive approach toward beginning a new romantic relationship with a man.

Preferably – in my view, for whatever that is worth – you would allow a man you are interested to see that you are very receptive toward him approaching you:

  • SMILE at him!  A lot!
  • Introduce yourself if possible
  • be friendly
  • share some funny stories
  • watch his body language and end the conversation if he seems uncomfortable or in a hurry to leave
  • ask some questions about his interests and his life in a fun way (not like it is an interrogation)
  • flirt a bit (in a modest way – no sexual innuendo or being provocative, etc.)

Hopefully, you can find out about his relationship with Christ fairly soon.  An ungodly guy or a guy who merely says he is a Christian, but doesn’t actually live for Christ – is not going to be one to continue on with much farther than this.  You can be friendly – but he is not going to be someone you can date since you want to honor God and only date strong believers in Christ.

IF A GUY IS PARTICULARLY SHY OR YOU ARE ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS WITH THESE NEW LAWS OR YOU HAVE BEEN “JUST FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME”

You may need to up the ante a bit and be more obvious about your interest in the guy.  Some guys are kind of gun shy because they have been rejected before and rejection is extremely painful.  So, some men will want to be REALLY SURE that a girl likes them before they approach.

Some suggestions (these are just my ideas – this is not scripture!) to consider saying casually, in passing, with a pleasant tone of voice and a beautiful smile – then, depending on the situation, maybe even leave so that he doesn’t feel pressured and so he can collect his thoughts.  Once you say one of these things, the ball is probably in his court.  I don’t know that it would be wise to say something like these kinds of things more than once if you are sure he heard you.  Then, it will be up to him to decide to take things any farther:

  • You know what?  You seem to be exactly like the kind of guy I could SO see myself with.
  • Just so you know… if you ever ask me out, I plan to say, “Yes.”
  • You have got to be one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. (remember, use your dazzling smile!!!!!  With this one, I don’t know that you have to leave, but you can wait a bit, and then switch subjects casually if he says nothing.)
  • I could get REALLY used to hanging out with/being with you a lot.  You fascinate me.  (This may still not completely get through to some guys, it is possible you may have to up things even more to one of the other statements if he doesn’t respond to this one.)
  • If you are interested in being more than “just friends” with me, I’d love to hear about that anytime.

If you say these kinds of things several times, or more than several times – it can begin to become obnoxious, especially if the guy is not interested in dating/courting.  If you are interested in a man who goes to your church – some men are unwilling to date women from their church because of the potential complicating issues that may arise if things don’t work out.  We will be talking more about this in a future post.  But – that can be a factor sometimes, too.

As long as you only make this kind of declaration probably just once – I think that could be fine.  Of course, listen to God’s Spirit MUCH MORE than you ever listen to me, please!

There are two mistakes girls tend to make in this area:

1. They don’t show their interest enough, and even act DISinterested so a guy has no idea she has feelings for him so he doesn’t think it is worth the risk to ask her out.

2. They go overboard and begin to try to force the guy into a relationship or pressure him and smother him when he is not ready and he is repelled.

Either of those extremes are usually bad news for trying to start a relationship.

I believe a woman can slow down the pace of a relationship if she feels a man is going to quickly.  But I don’t believe it is wise for a woman to rush or push a man into commitment to her.  That is his decision to make and he needs to be able to make it freely on his own.

 

Let’s be aware of the obstacles that men face and sensitive to the difficulties they experience in our culture.

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