This is a guest post by Donalgraeme in response to some questions I had posed. I appreciate his willingness to share his perspective. I think he has some extremely valuable information here for my sisters.
What is it that women can do to signal interest, and what is it that women are doing to prevent signaling interest?
The question, asked in comment thread of this post, was in response to the following comment by myself:
It really isn’t true that men initiate first, or are supposed to initiate first. Women do through signalling a willingness to be approached by a man, or men. And this is where a lot of women, Christian women especially, fail. They send out the wrong signals, and instead of demonstrating that they are willing to be approached, indicate that they want nothing to do with the Christian men around them.
The key thing for a woman to understand is that she needs to maintain a positive signal-to-noise ratio. Life is full of distractions, or noise, that will interfere with a man’s ability to detect a woman’s interest in him. The more distractions, the more powerful her signal will have to be. Which translates into her needing to be more overt in making her feelings clear.
Additionally, women face several problems when it comes to signaling interest.
- It can be difficult to determine how much noise there is. What may be distracting to a man may not phase a woman.
- Some men don’t like it when a woman is too overt. Myself, I don’t have a problem with this, but for some guys this seems to be a real bother or turn-off.
- Men and women communicate in very different ways, so a man may completely miss what a woman thinks is obvious.
Given all of this, I suggest a strategy of slowly ratcheting up signaling interest to a man. So, what ways can a woman signal her interest? Here are a few that I have thought of:
1) Smile. Smile a lot. This may seem simple, and it is. But smiling is a good way of showing a man that you don’t mind his presence.
2) Compliment him. Find something you like about him and let him know.
3) Ask him what his favorite color is, or if he likes a particular color pattern. Then, wear a dress or outfit with those colors or that pattern to an event that you know he will be present at.
4) Serve him. When you are at a dinner or other event where food will be served, ask him if if you can bring him anything.
5) Flirt. That’s right, flirt. There is nothing wrong with some light-flirting and teasing with a man. It is one of the surest ways to express interest.
What things should a woman avoid which interfere with her signaling interest to a man? Some thoughts:
A) A cold demeanor. A woman who isn’t pleasant and shows no warmth will come across as uninterested in a man. Smile and have a welcoming expression on your face. Make it clear that talking with you won’t be a painful experience for a man.
B) Rigid body language. A lot of our communication isn’t in what we say, but how we say it. If your body language is closed and rigid, you are sending a message that you don’t want to be approached. Relax and let your motions flow. Don’t give the appearance of not wanting to be there.
C) Nuclear rejections. If you are approached by a man who doesn’t interest you, don’t blow up on him. Reject him politely and quietly. Don’t make a scene. And don’t gossip or talk about it. Your goal is to make it so that men don’t see approaching you as a costly endeavor. This way, any man you are signalling will think to himself that even if he is wrong about your feelings, he won’t regret approaching you.
johnhughmorgan3
January 7, 2014
This is excellent advice. It seems that so many girls underestimate how important first impressions are. I know I’m an older single guy, but affirmation still means a lot to me. And to be honest, I would say that at least 80% of girls I run into signal one thing – “I’m as cold as ice. Don’t even try.” And believe me, I don’t. I’ve always wondered if that’s one of the reasons so many good girls end up with abusive men. Could it be that they got the kind of man the were fishing for? I think so. If they had been willing to chip off some of that ice, warm up with a little smile, say hello – their lives might have had a different destiny. And it seems that this frozen girl phenomenon has gotten worse in the last 10 years or so. I do remember a time when interactions were much more cordial, when girls did respond with eye contact when I said hello, when they did have a confident smile on their face. Girls, it really is true – The firs two seconds are like the chain reaction in a nuclear explosion, and you can’t go back and do it again.
peacefulwife
January 7, 2014
Johnhughmorgan3,
Thank you so much for sharing this masculine perspective. I doubt that most women realize how we come across. Sometimes I think it may be helpful if we had to see ourselves on camera! But these are important things to think about.
God commands us as believers to rejoice always. REJOICE. Not a suggestion – a command. We have MUCH to be thankful for and to be overwhelmed with joy about in Him. As we allow His Spirit to flood our souls, how can we help but be radiating His joy to everyone?
Keli
January 7, 2014
I’ve always been cordial, but I’ve still had trouble being noticed by most guys. Mostly I think it’s cause I’m obviously not ready for a real relationship.
Keli
January 7, 2014
Personally, it’s better to be overt about interest rather than wait and possibly get hurt because the guy is already with someone else. Be as obvious as you’d like, unless he’s expressed that he’s taken, or just not interested. But then again, someone would have to say that to my face directly for me to really understand their not, if they don’t have a girlfriend. I just think people REALLY need to be upfront about this kind of thing, I can’t even understand non-verbal signals much… I just expect that if I’m not getting said non-verbal signal, I’d expect someone to actually say something… lol
peacefulwife
January 7, 2014
Keli,
Thank you for sharing! Things can definitely be confusing these days. Sending clear signals is important. 🙂
Purity
January 7, 2014
Wow! What great tips .Unfortunately many of us ladies we often forget to put them to practice. I thank God for that reminder. though some of us are quite shy. Are there any more ques a shy lady could add on top of it. Like personally I have never attempted to flirt with a godly guy. I find it hard.
Then I’m also working on smiling as I’m kind of a serious face lady.May God help me.
Thanks! God bless you.
peacefulwife
January 7, 2014
Purity,
Smiling and being friendly, asking questions (in a friendly, interested way, not in an interrogating kind of way) are probably some of the best things to do, in my view.
I wouldn’t sexually flirt with him. But just a little smile and hold his gaze an extra second or two and then look down. Tell him something you admire about him. Smile some more. Be interested in him. Genuinely care about what he is into and what is important to him. Have empathy for any difficulties he is experiencing. Be a great listener. 🙂
jack
January 7, 2014
And when that socially awkward guy approaches you, try to remain gracious and remember that even the lowliest are still God’s children and deserving of respect. Don’t be, or act insulted that this guy is asking you out. Decline graciously.
Treat him the way you would want to be treated when someone you are attracted to rejects you. Don’t punish him socially for – essentially – paying you a compliment.
This can be a challenge, because in the “moment” you may be feeling a sense of panic at having to de-escalate his interest in you. But don’t do the nuclear rejection.
And the #1 tip for Christian women, and the one that many will find hardest to follow: Never tell a single living soul that he approached you or asked you out.
Why is this so crucial? Because of the “group” nature of females. If you act like “eww, creeper-boy asked me out”, other women will avoid him as well, even more than before, because no one wants to be the girl dating the guy that is loathed by the other women.
Many Christian men have said that the post-approach gossip was a thousand times worse than the rejection, because it takes the humiliation of rejection and then institutionalizes it as a social artifact among the women. You might as well switch churches at this point, guys.
peacefulwife
January 7, 2014
Jack,
These are really valuable insights. Thank you so much!
Keli
January 7, 2014
Actually, I’ve been complimented by a guy that I wasn’t really interested in dating, he’s a guy who is disabled, he’s nice, but I’m kinda trying to not be involved there, it’s just for personal reasons, I won’t date people who have severe disabilities because I can’t handle the emotional strain, or possible loss or taking care of him later on. I think that’s worry over the future, but it’s something I’d rather be upfront about, rather than unhappy later on.
I never bad-mouth anyone, I make a point not to gossip, but I need to be aware of my own emotional needs as well. I think there are a lot of guys out there that are really sweet, but because of challenges, they can’t marry/ask people out even.
femininebutnotfeminist
January 8, 2014
I would be very careful about not wanting to take care of a man later on because you just never know… you could marry a strong man that doesn’t need to be taken care of, who could become disabled or ill later on anyway. Then what will you do?
Deb
January 8, 2014
I agree about the socially awkward guys. Asking you out takes a lot of courage….I think keeping quiet about asking you out is where the discipline of secrecy comes in….
monideefixe
January 7, 2014
What would be the Christian-appropriate way to flirt with a guy? What would be some appropriate examples? Any flirting I would know about is from my time before knowing Christ. In God’s timing, when I do meet a Christian man who I’m interested in, I don’t want him to get the wrong idea because I said the wrong thing.
peacefulwife
January 7, 2014
Check out my answer to purity, please, Monideefixe. 🙂
And, I have a Youtube video on the subject <a href="“>here.
monideefixe
January 7, 2014
I have another question as well. How can you tell when a guy wants you to be obvious or if he thinks its a turn off. I don’t want to scare him away!
peacefulwife
January 7, 2014
monideefixe,
Well, life would be much easier if we could read a man’s mind, wouldn’t it? That is why it will be necessary to start slowly and then ratchet up the intensity a bit. But, keeping in mind that if he is not interested, not to pressure or smother him.
Have you known this man for a long time?
Have you been friends for awhile?
What is the relationship like now? 🙂
wykeshialm86
January 7, 2014
To be very honest, I have tried several things to show how interest I am in this one particular guy and it all seem to work well but really not enough to stat a relationship with him because I have no choice to start ourselves off as friends and respect him enough to understand he’s clearly not prepared to be in a relationship. Just to avoid bragging about the guy and other things that I know what turns him off, I have done alot nice things for that really makes him smile. I have been sharing my talented gifts with him, laugh at his jokes, being sweet and friendly as he walks by and hugs me, and I even gave him some compliments. Plus, I even blessed him with many words of encouragement! Now, that I know it’s really made him smile! What attracts me from the guy are his smile, his spirit, and his heart. The other stuff about him don’t really matter to me. Truthfully, I learned that an intelligent man will open your mind, a handsome man will open your eyes, and a gentleman will open your heart.
peacefulwife
January 7, 2014
Wykeshia,
Thank you for sharing! Yes, if he is not ready – you will have to be very careful not to overdo respect or showing interest – that will show respect to him, actually! To be patient and not push him. Much love to you!
wykeshialm86
January 7, 2014
Thans April, and that’s exactly what I’m doing: I’m patiently waiting on what lies ahead!
RG
January 7, 2014
More importantly, don’t flirt with non-Christian men!
Donal’s/April’s advice is good, but what good does this advice do us all if Christian women limit their interest/flirting to their pursuits of non-Christian men. To me, that is the bigger issue than not knowing how to flirt or decline unwanted interest.
peacefulwife
January 7, 2014
RG,
I hope that it is always a given that we ought only to be investing time in godly, devoted Christian men. But thanks for the clarification!
Deep Strength
January 7, 2014
To be very clear, if you’re having difficulty getting into a relationship with a godly man it’s likely that you need to work on your physical attractiveness.
Men will appreciate the things you do for them, but if they’re not attracted to you they won’t ask you out.
There’s two main points that most Christians miss:
1. If a woman is having trouble being asked out then she needs to work on her physical attractiveness. Men are attracted to beauty. Exercise, nutrition, touch of make up, flattering feminine clothing, and all of these things to improve her physical attractiveness will help.
2. If a woman is having trouble staying in a relationship that is directed towards marriage then she needs to work on how to become more of a godly woman. That would be a woman who is respectful, submissive, encouraging, and willing to go above and beyond for her man.
These are two different responses to two different problems that women must be aware of. You need both to get into a relationship to where a man is going to want to commit to you.
Keli
January 7, 2014
I think the hardest thing about the beauty thing, for me, is how the heck to manage any kind of time… I mean, I’m barely able to dress nicely for a job, I’ve barely got enough energy during the day for job searches and doing simple stuff. It’s frustrating trying to add anything in. I refuse to use energy drinks as I’ve tried before and almost developed heart issues. 1 a day for 3 days straight can actually be a bad idea…
Sister in Christ
January 8, 2014
Keli, I understand the time issue. 🙂 A few tricks that I have found….
1. A skirt instantly dresses up an outfit. (Of course, that only works during warmer weather. 😉 )
2. Adding a cardigan or scarf to a simple t-shirt will work wonders.
3. A different pair of shoes (for me it is flats) and maybe a necklace and you have a feminine outfit for the same amount of work.
4. I always thought makeup would take tons of time but once I started wearing it I realized that a touch of blush and lip gloss takes all fo 15 seconds to apply and makes a world of difference.
5. And finally…. do a pretty updo. I work with kids a lot and also do lots of gardening and housework. Having my hair up in a pretty bun is actually faster than drying it and it lasts all day long with no fussing. 🙂 (And an updo can hide dirty hair if you are in a serious hurry. 😉 )
6. I’m not much into girly-girl stuff, but I know some girls who will stick a flower in their hair and instanty double how cute they look. 🙂
I have found some cute/easy/modest ideas for hair and outfits on Pinterest that really are the same or less work and leave me feeling very attractive. And when that time comes to need to make an impression I normally can find an extra half hour. 😉
(Hope these can provide you some kind of picture of what I am trying to describe. 🙂 )
I hope this helps.
peacefulwife
January 9, 2014
Sister in Christ,
I wear skirts year round! Long skirts are awesome because you can wear leggings, yoga pants or even sweat pants underneath and then cover them up with the long skirt and boots.
Keli
January 9, 2014
I try doing updos, with short hair. I have a rather hard to deal with scalp condition, and really sensitive head, basically, long hair = NIGHTMARE to brush out and deal with… But I do try to do a few hairstyles that are Wavy, sophisticated, and short. I actually part it on the side, flipped over to the other side regularly.
I do love wearing necklaces, and probably should when I do wear upscaled outfits. Often, I do have a Chico’s blouse or something nicer, but not all the time. Mostly, I do have one Christmas sweater that’s warm.
Makeup is one thing I don’t often do, more because I’ve had varying difficulty with it being hard to take off later. I will try more with some makeup.
Keli
January 9, 2014
Thank you for the advice! 🙂
Jenny
January 8, 2014
Interesting to read this! Generally I find that if I were to ask a female friend why I am single then the response would be that there are no decent men rather than being honest about what I should be changing. x
Keli
January 9, 2014
My situation: There are actually no guys I know, not in my current circle of friends, who I can date.
Keli
January 9, 2014
Well, there is one, but we haven’t known one another long enough to even be good friends…
jack
January 7, 2014
Monideefix-
If he seems a little nervous or dry-mouthed, he is either interested, or he has the flu. Unless he is carrying tissues or cough drops, I’d probably think he’s interested.
Only the most confident of men approach without some nerves. Always remember that. So if you can look past a bit of insecurity on the guy’s part, you might find a keeper. Don’t forget that it is very hard for young women to know the difference between a “confident” man and one who is narcissistic and will use her.
Which brings up another point that I would like to see April blog about:
How can we reconcile the desire for masculine confidence against the need for a man to be humble before the Lord?
Confidence requires a high estimation of self. Humility before the Lord requires admission of our wretched nature. These are two competing and opposing things that a Christian woman wants in her man. An unsaved woman can just go for the masculine confidence, since she is not concerned about humility.
A parallel question for men is how do you reconcile our desire for an open and flirty girlfriend against the desire for her to be modest before the Lord?
These are hard issues.
peacefulwife
January 7, 2014
thanks for your insights, Jack! 🙂
Keli
January 7, 2014
flirting – mostly for me this is overly friendly behavior, like specifically doing something for the guy that you may not normally do…
modesty – mostly, I’d consider this just being fully clothed, t-shirt neckline, long sleeved jackets, etc. While I have skirts, I refuse to wear those past halloween, Halloween was the last time I wore a skirt outside and I was freezing… I won’t wear them in winter… Summer and Spring, sure.
Keli
January 7, 2014
and I live in FL. It wasn’t cold out, but I’m so cold sensitive, I was sitting at a table basically really cold…
Anon
January 8, 2014
This sounds interesting. I know april blogs for women but I also agree that this is important. Humility is probably my #3 turn on in a guy—-if he doesn’t possess a high degree of it, his other qualities appear dim to me. As someone who strives for humility (b/c after all, it does NOT come naturally), I am aware that believing in ones value as a beloved, unique child of god is confidence! Humility is not the same as a man without confidence! I have seen humility & confidence exemplified well by our senior pastor! And our bible study teacher, who was humble enough to clean the snow off my car voluntarily a few weeks ago after church, who cleans the bathrooms weekly at our church, has an amazing ability to gain scriptural insight, and is gentle toward the harshest people….I LOVE IT….humility is a complement to confidence….
Jenny
January 7, 2014
I am friendly with pretty much everyone I meet (have been working on my shyness!) but I can not flirt. I just either blush and make a fool of myself or worry about seeming too forward. x
JC
January 7, 2014
The disclaimer I always give, I’m not in the dating game . . . but yeah, if women are just kind of sitting and existing in churches I don’t know how they expect to catch a man’s interests.
If I were in the dating game . . . as PW writes about the list of things I’d need to know to protect myself for the long-term would be absolutely huge in today’s environment of near-zero protection for men.
lovelyleblanc7
January 7, 2014
There is one problem. I don’t know how to flirt.
I’m with Jenny; smiling is part of my nature, but flirting…How do you even flirt?
I think I’m going to watch that video.
Deep Strength
January 7, 2014
@ LLB7
Laugh at his jokes, compliment him, if he’s teasing you then tease him back, find ways to be around him, help him out with various things, perhaps bake him food, ask his opinion on what feminine clothing or colors he likes, etc.
But be reasonable — if he’s not reciprocating and then eventually making a decision to pursue you then you should start to move on.
lovelyleblanc7
January 9, 2014
Thanks for the information. 🙂
Keli
January 7, 2014
best advice I’ve heard: Just be friendly with the guy. Be yourself. Serve him/do something nice for him. The more friendly you can be, without seeming odd, is good. Act like you would around your best friend or your friends. Get to know him, ask questions. Sometimes you can find common interests.
lovelyleblanc7
January 9, 2014
Thanks! I agree!
Jenny
January 8, 2014
Flirting is a skill that I do not have! 🙂
I tend to be open and friendly with everyone so if there was a man that I was interested in he probably wouldn’t ever realise it. x
lovelyleblanc7
January 9, 2014
haha Same! I remember I liked one guy once, but he never knew because while I was friendly, I wasn’t very obvious.
Sister in Christ
January 7, 2014
If you have a neutral man (Dad, brother, etc) in the picture, ask their opinion. I somehow was convinced that it was wrong for a girl to encourage a guy in any way shape or form. Finally, after years of having a shy young man watch me from across the room, never approaching, just watching, my Dad encouraged me. Knowing the guy, my Dad was able to give specific encouragement for my situation: give him a couple extra special smiles. No more. No less. I tried it, and the guy has never been the same since. The day I did, he began to open up and actually pursue me. Having a guy who understands guys and knows the situation can be a real blessing.
peacefulwife
January 8, 2014
Sister in Christ,
So sweet! I am so glad your Dad was able to encourage you. 🙂
Keli
January 9, 2014
That’s great advice, but what if you’re not around a guy daily for years? I mean, if you only see guys at church, but they’re all dating, or are military, how do you find someone worth dating on the outside of the church? What’s the best way to meet new people, outside of bars or online dating?
Sister in Christ
January 9, 2014
We actually got to only see each other every 3-9 months. 🙂 I don’t have a single good option within 50 miles of me. We are a small community and I can honestly say that every good Christian guy has already married. (There was only one. 😉 ) Anyway….how to meet guys when you are isolated….get involved in groups: bible studies, music jams (if you play music), anything where there will be other young people. My favorite (and how I met that young man in the first place) is festivals. I happen to like a specific genre of music and go to music festivals. Other conservative Christians were at the festivals and over the years I made a lot of girl friends and also met that really awesome guy. When you are on vacation go to various churches and such. Just make an effort to make friends everywhere you go. And not just guy friends- just make friends. Most folks have a brother, son, nephew, grandson that they think is just awesome. Just get involved in groups and go placed that will have people of similar interests, hobbies, beliefs, etc. 🙂 Remember it only takes one. (Adam had it even worse until God created Eve. 😉 )
Sarophina
January 9, 2014
Hi Keli,
I am in the sameboat as you, trying to meet new people. I’ve found that it’s important to get out, even if I’m shopping in a store, I will try to get out of the house daily. When I see someone attractive I’ve learned to simply smile, and men have taken a second notice. I think it’s good to mingle with different Christian groups, sporting organizations, etc… Mingle, mingle, mingle. As one sister said, “just because it is the man that does the finding, doesn’t mean we can’t put ourselves in a better position to be found.”
Do you have hobbies or causes that you’d love to invest more time in?
peacefulwife
January 10, 2014
Sarophina and Sister in Christ,
I love how y’all are encouraging each other and supporting each other! GREAT JOB!
Keli
January 9, 2014
yea, two I’m trying to be more involved in, disc golf, and volunteering at Children in Crisis. Discgolf is obviously summer, but looking into events and different tournaments now, would be good. This area is just a bit small, no music festivals around here. Not for free anyways. And I know there’s more I could do with this one guy, I could try to go to his church awhile, or we do have something in common with a web-show, but it didn’t go very far as I don’t have a good car to get to where he lives/goes to church.. lol. Doesn’t work.
The Thoughts of Miss B.
January 22, 2014
I’ve just discovered this blog, love the articles! I realize I’m late to the discussion but I had a question for Deep Strength, you said “To be very clear, if you’re having difficulty getting into a relationship with a godly man it’s likely that you need to work on your physical attractiveness.
Men will appreciate the things you do for them, but if they’re not attracted to you they won’t ask you out.”
But what if you do work on your physical attractiveness? I’m not exactly Jessica Alba 🙂 but I’m regularly approached by non-Christian men and asked out, women as well as men have mentioned that I’m pretty. I work as a waitress and I’ve had people come up and tell me that I’m stunning. I also love fashion and dressing up, I wear make up, style my hair and love wearing dresses/skirts. So I guess I’m trying to ask what else I need to do to attract a Christian man since they’re not asking me out? Since plenty of non-Christian men are interested, I’m getting a little frustrated with Christian guys never taking the initiative.
peacefulwife
January 22, 2014
The Thoughts of Miss B.,
Welcome! 🙂
You may like the post “Why Don’t Godly Guys Pursue Christian Women?”
“Another Reason Why Godly Guys Don’t Pursue Christian Women”
Deep Strength
January 25, 2014
Considering the fact that your name has a site linked feminist in it then it can also be your personality that is driving men away.
I’m not particularly looking for Ms. Strong and Independent because then why would she need me? If you’re loud, boistrous, and argumentative and don’t know when to back down men will see this and not bother at all, except those looking for easy sex.
Sometimes on the rare occasion if a woman has beauty on say a 8-9+/10 level a lot of men will be afraid to approach. This can happen, but I don’t know if that’s your case since I haven’t seen your photo.
charlottebufton
January 26, 2014
Haha, why thank you! It may indeed be my personality… That’s an old blog I’ve actually been meaning to change the title of but that doesn’t matter. I would actually say that most of the guys at my church don’t know me well enough to really make a decision about my personality. I wouldn’t describe myself as loud, more of an introvert actually. I am passionate and opinionated about some topics but I don’t apologize for that, most men in my life like that I can have a good discussion.
Again wouldn’t say I’m a natural beauty; I really don’t like rating women, it’s pretty dehumanizing so it’s probably not that. I guess my point was, I make the most of myself and I know some guys outside of church find me attractive so it’s a little bit confusing that Christian guys don’t. From personal experience sometimes it seems like Christian guys can lack confidence and don’t seem to be interested in pursuing marriage or any kind of romantic attachment. They will sometimes have lots of female friends but don’t date anybody. I find that strange and that Non-Christian men take more of an initiative in pursuing women. Surely if they have to be celibate until they get married Christian men should be super motivated to pursue marriage?
Deep Strength
January 28, 2014
@ charlottebufton
“I would actually say that most of the guys at my church don’t know me well enough to really make a decision about my personality.”
Unfortunately, it doesn’t really matter what you think… it matters what they think if you want to be approached.
Same thing with men. A man could be the funniest person in the world, but if he is “too shy” to talk then most women will think he is boring, shy, and quiet.
What matters is the opposite sex’s perception of you. For better or for worse. That’s why signalling is important.
“Surely if they have to be celibate until they get married Christian men should be super motivated to pursue marriage?”
Depends on the guy. As this blog has illustrated in a few posts, most women don’t signal they’re available or men can’t pick up on it… or the men have been browbeated into being effeminate by their churches which is the sad state of things.
I know some girls in my church that are interested in me, but unfortunately I don’t have chemistry with them on my end so I don’t pursue. They may think the same thing you that men aren’t pursuing them, but it’s the case that I’ve determined they don’t match what I’m looking for.
Flirting with someone you’re interested is definitely the way to go. I know one blogger who recommends that his daughters straight up give their phone number to a man she is interested in if the man doesn’t get it.
Also the fact that you brought up “dehumanizing” in reference to how men evaluate attractiveness would be a yellow flag to me. That’s straight from the feminist playbook. A feminist mindset is corrupting and is not compatible with being a Christian.
CB
January 28, 2014
I understand all that, and of course if someone’s not attracted to you that’s that. Obviously. But again I come back to the fact that men outside of church will quite happily approach me/ ask for my number/ make their interest clear but men in church?! Yeah, not so much. After spending approximately 20 years in church I’ve only ever had 3 men ask me out; one already had a girlfriend, another had just got out of jail (where he was converted) but he still had A LOT of issues to work through, and the other was just desperate for a wife and was asking any girl out. So as someone who wants to get married someday my options seem pretty limited at the moment. It’s frustrating to have to keep turning down dates from non-Christian men while no man in church is interested.
Ha okay, well as someone brought up in the 21st C I’ve probably imbibed some aspects of feminist culture but I’m just saying rating a woman by a number seems pretty nasty to me, and shallow. Is that a better way to put it? Not too sure that it’s incompatible with being a Christian, I think it depends on what you mean on by a feminist mindset?
peacefulwife
January 28, 2014
CB,
There is much that is broken within the single’s scene in Christianity today, sadly. 😦
Men are not asking women out. There are MANY reasons for that. In many ways, I think that the feminist mindset of the world has so infiltrated the church and so altered godly masculinity and femininity that much of our trouble stems from that point. We barely even know what it means to be a godly man or a godly woman and many of the things our culture tells us to do actually HURT the attraction between men and women even in the church.
God did create men to be attracted to physical beauty in a woman. That is not wrong and it is not necessarily shallow – as long as the man is careful to look at her heart and soul as well and to put more weight on her character and her soul than on her body. I hope that makes sense.
Women and men are not all going to be attracted to everyone. That is ok. Attraction is an important component in beginning a romantic relationship and throughout marriage. It is not the ONLY thing that needs to be in place. But there probably does need to be SOME attraction, or things will probably not go well. Then there are a host of other things that are extremely vital to a relationship being God-honoring and sustainable for marriage, as well.
Women tend to be attracted to good-looking, handsome, fit and confident men. That is not necessarily wrong either. But if those are the ONLY criteria a Christian woman has as she looks for a man, then she will have herself a mess.
CB
January 29, 2014
April: Thanks for your response :). I completely agree and God has really opened my eyes to this over the past couple of years. Just to clarify I definitely don’t think it’s shallow for a guy to only ask out girls he’s attracted to I think it’s completely normal :). My confusion is men who don’t seem to be attracted to any girl they come across in church. God Bless.
Deep Strength: Thanks for explaining, I never thought of it that way before. Again, just to explain, when I said rating women is nasty I meant more the kind of situation where a group of men will loudly rate women as they walk past. Y’know; “Oh she’s a 9, but she’s a 3!” For any woman to have to hear that is horrible. I think it’s an entirely different situation where one guy say to another, oh to me she’s a 8/9 :). Of course each individual (man or woman) wants someone who is attractive to them that’s healthy and God given.Thanks for the advice about networking :).
Deep Strength
January 28, 2014
@ CB
Men and women used to meet spouses by networking. Church is only one venue of a network. Women tend to have good networking ability and should ask their friends and family for help in regard to quality prospects. I’m not opposed to online dating, nor accepting dates from friends/family/etc, nor meeting someone off the street if the opportunity presents itself, or other places. Use the resources you have to meet people.
I don’t know if April/peacefulwife is into helping singles on the Internet meet, but that could present an opportunity here.
Let me put it this way. Men use a scale for attractiveness because it’s the simplest way to get a point across to other men (and women too for that matter). For example, I know some men who would say “cute” is the highest word when evaluating what is attractive to them, whereas some would say “beautiful” or “pretty” or still others “gorgeous.” I’m a gorgeous fan myself. A 1-10 scale anchors it for men to say this woman was about average attractivess to me or say this women was very attractive to me. That said one man’s 5 can be another man’s 6,7, or 8 because there is a wide variability in what men find attractive which is a good thing for women. Obviously, in mixed company it may not be a good idea to bring up and may be crass, but it’s not nasty or shallow at all.
The fact that you don’t understand why men would use a scale system and still judge it as nasty/shallow/dehumanizing/etc is one of the more hilarious things about the feminist mindset, especially since women evaluate based on attractiveness factors as well such as height which are unchangable.
What man doesn’t want an attractive wife? What women doesn’t want an attractive husband? Both sexes want someone who is attractive to them, and discussion of it in any form does not need a label.
It’s a self righteous judgment which is highly unattractive.
peacefulwife
January 28, 2014
CB and Deep Strength,
I am actually planning on having a new post about what is attractive/unattractive to godly men tomorrow! We will be talking about some of these things. I welcome each of you to participate. 🙂
I hope to help bridge a bit of the gap between men and women – so maybe we might be able to begin to understand each other a bit more clearly. 🙂
In Him,
April