“He Is Not Very Affectionate”

Posted on March 19, 2014 by


I have been seeing this so many times on http://www.peacefulwife.com, that I feel I just have to bring it up here.

It seems that  there has been a big push in the last decade or so for Christian couples to focus so much on purity, that they sometimes don’t even kiss or hardly even touch each other before marriage.  That sounds good, right? I mean, it is honorable and holy to avoid sexual temptation. I totally agree that it is great to avoid sexual temptation before marriage. I am the biggest proponent ever of purity and chastity. I think it is great to have some boundaries. But – I actually wonder sometimes if it is helpful or harmful to go to major extremes to avoid kissing and hugging almost completely before marriage. I am not an expert on this issue. It seems to me that it is possible to get really legalistic about this – but having all these super strict rules doesn’t guarantee a perfect marriage and sometimes I wonder if a lot of extremely strict rules may mask some important issues before marriage?

I have been seeing a trend, it seems to me. I have seen a number of couples where the guy pushed not to kiss or touch too much before marriage but where he didn’t actually struggle much with that at all. Some of these guys apparently don’t like affection. (There have been some other issues I have seen related to this, but I am going to focus on this one topic for this post.)

These couples get married, but the husbands do not increase affection physically with their wives. Many times, the guy told his girlfriend/fiancé before they married that he doesn’t like hugs, hand holding, cuddling, etc…  Many times the women assumed that after they got married, their men would change.

But – here is reality – men don’t usually change after marriage.

If your man focuses a lot on preserving your purity and his purity, that is awesome!!!  But if he has no desire to touch you, hug you or be affectionate before marriage and he says he doesn’t like affection, please understand – this is probably who he is. This is who he is now. And this is who he will be after marriage, too.

Don’t marry a man who says he doesn’t like affection and expect him to want to cuddle, hold hands, play with your hair and spoon with you in bed every night. That is not how life with him will be.

If he is affectionate now, he will probably be affectionate later. If he is not affectionate now, before marriage, he will probably not be affectionate later. Be sure you can accept him as he is and that you are not expecting him to change once you get married, my precious sisters!

Some questions I would want to ask if my man was not being very affectionate before marriage:

– Is this just his personality? If so, can I live with this for the rest of my life?

– Was he abused physically or sexually as a child? If so, we need some serious, experienced, godly counsel before getting married. There are massive consequences and scars when anyone was abused sexually or physically as a child. You need to know exactly what you are agreeing to when you marry in a situation like this and be prepared to support him and be able to respect him and honor him even if he has serious wounds that may directly impact you and your sex life in marriage.

– Is it possible that he has any medical problems like low testosterone or ED?

– Is he interested in a healthy sex life after marriage? Does he have an aversion to sex? Does he think it is “nasty”? Does he have a healthy sex drive? A healthy man should WANT to have sex with you and be excited about being able to have sex in marriage and talk about how much he can’t wait to get married and consummate the marriage with you.

– Does he have a serious addiction to porn and or compulsive masturbation? If so, please seek experienced, godly counsel before committing to marrying this man and understand what you are getting into. This could very likely dramatically impact your sex life and even his ability to be attracted to you and to perform sexually in real life.

– Were his parents affectionate? What was their relationship like. Most likely, their relationship is what he thinks is “normal.” Are you ok with that?

WHAT IF A GUY IS AFFECTIONATE BEFORE MARRIAGE, MIGHT HE CHANGE AFTER MARRIAGE?

I have seen some men who are affectionate before change after marriage. But, in my experience, it is generally when they feel very disrespected. A man who does not feel emotionally/spiritually safe with his wife will usually shut down and move away from her physically, emotionally and spiritually.

There are many more things involved in this issue than this one short post could possibly include. But these are just a few thoughts to prayerfully consider. I am not an expert here – just bringing up some issues I have seen recently.

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