GraceAlone Has a Breakthrough in Understanding Her Husband’s Perspective

Posted on March 29, 2014 by


We are continuing to follow GraceAlone’s progress as she began this journey to become a godly wife about 3 weeks ago. I hope to correspond with a few women who are willing to share their stories (married and single) so that maybe many more wives might be blessed and encouraged as they embark on their own journey to submit to the Lordship of Christ fully, to tear out idols, face sin, face fear and live in the power of God’s Spirit to become the wives and women God calls us to be. This is a continuation of the email discussion GraceAlone and I had from yesterday’s post. I know that things are a bit different for her because she is married already, but tearing out the idols and submitting to the Lordship of Christ and trusting Him is the same process whether we are married or single. Watch what has happened in her marriage to destroy it because of her idol of wanting to have children more than anything else in life. Notice what her husband said and the damage that has been done:

 

FROM GRACEALONE:

I read your email and Kayla’s story. Both were incredible and huge eye openers for me.

A couple things that I am noticing are that these past few weeks that have been busy, my time with Jesus took a back burner – as a result, my attitude with my husband was more disrespectful and I could hear the nagging voice putting bad thoughts in my head towards him more.

On Sunday, we talked about me trying to make him a priority and not spending so much time with my family – this was hard as he said some things that hurt, but I am trying to make him feel like he is top priority to me. I do need to balance my time more, and how much I spend with my family, etc.

I spent all day yesterday preparing for work this week, and cleaning the house (especially focusing on the things he asked me to do). I was so tired when it came time for him to get home and me to start dinner, he asked if I wanted to work out when he got home before we ate – my first thought was, “No way, I am exhausted and my feet are killing me!” But I said “Yeah, I’ll work out,” because I know he likes that.

For me, finding that balance of when to speak up and just give my opinion and when to be quiet are very hard for me. I feel like that line is so thin that it’s easy to cross if you aren’t really looking. Sometimes, I feel like with my husband, he doesn’t want my opinion at all , or he doesn’t seem to care . I’m going to read the post you suggest about the frustrating quiet phase – it absolutely is so frustrating! I always seem to be confused as whether I should speak up or not, Etc. I so want him to value my opinion and trust that I’m intelligent woman- pride I’m sure.

I found myself praying God would bring my sweet husband back, but maybe I need to pray He will bring my husband’s sweet wife back.

It bothers me because reading your post and Kayla’s, you both were so broken over the way you treated your husbands, and you mourned because of how sinful you were. It scares me because while I have been very sad over my sin, have I really been heartbroken over it? That is such a scary thought, I still think I have a lot of pride to deal with. I think some traces back to us sitting in pre-marital counseling and my husband stating he wants kids, and him changing after we for married. I feel so betrayed by that, sometimes I wonder if I will completely heal and truly let go of that. I seem to do better at times with realizing I may never have kids, but it’s hard to let go of the since of betrayal , and feeling like he genuinely needs to apologize to me for that. Does this make sense?
Anyway, overall it has been a little better yesterday and today, just still sorting thru the muck and hurt. Part of me is holding back I think, because I don’t want to become vulnerable again and get hurt – kind of what we were talking about Friday. I’m scared of the healing process, because I feel like I have bandaged those wounds, and they have scarred over , and I don’t want to rip it open again. Maybe that’s the root of the issue – maybe I avoid the healing process because I know what’s coming.
Maybe that’s why I have tried so hard in the past to change and I keep messing up, because I’m scared.

 

FROM PEACEFULWIFE

You are going to realize very soon that you cannot afford to skimp on time with Jesus. It will be like trying to drive a car with no gasoline in the tank. Not going to happen!

What did He say about your family and making him your priority?

I am so proud of you for going to work out with him!!!! Woohoo!

It is going to take months to find that line, if not longer. I vote to err on the side of too much silence right now because you don’t know what is disrespectful very clearly yet. Later, you will understand better and learn what to say. Or you can email me and we can talk about it. 🙂

I believe your husband will will probably care a lot more about your opinion when he feels safe with you, feels respected by you and doesn’t feel attacked and disrespected for a long time. I promise!!!!

I pray for Greg now, very carefully, watching my motives constantly, being sure I am not being selfish but only praying for God’s will. But for a long, long time, I only prayed for God to bless Greg and change me. My motives were way too easily sinful for me to pray for him beyond that for a really long time.

Love that, yes! Pray for God to bring your husband’s sweet wife back.

When I was in the first 2 years of this journey and I felt lonely and unloved – which was often – I would turn to the Bible, to prayer and to all the books I was studying about becoming a godly wife and seek with all my heart to get rid of my sinful, wrong, unbiblical ideas and to embrace and absorb everything I could about God, my identity in Him as a woman, marriage, femininity, being a godly wife, etc. Sometimes I would go sit beside Greg and read. Sometimes I would go cover my head and pray for Greg. Covering my head in obedience to I Corinthians 11:3-11 really helped me tangibly understand that I was putting myself under Greg’s protection, authority and leadership and I felt so much closer to him when I did that. It also helped me to focus on having a respectful attitude towards God and Greg when I prayed – and I needed all the help I could get!

A PEEK AT YOUR HUSBAND’S PERSPECTIVE

Ok… Here is something to consider. It could be a possibility. What I am about to share is heavy. It is a theory. It may not be what he is thinking, but it could be. If you read this, please read it prayerfully and with enough time to be able to really think for awhile.

  • What if the reason he decided he didn’t want kids was because (at least in part) he felt betrayed in the marriage?

I don’t know for sure that this is what he was thinking. But what I do know is, you have one VERY, VERY deeply wounded and disrespected-feeling husband. From what we have talked about,

  • He knows that he is not your priority.
  • He knows your family comes before him.
  • He may feel that children are more important to you than he is.
  • He knows that you hold him in contempt and don’t think his opinions are important many times.
  • He knows the way you have verbally lashed out at him, insulted, disrespected, pressured, tried to control and emasculated him – almost constantly.
  • He knows the idols in your heart.
  • He knows how anxious you are. He knows how you don’t trust God.

There is a point at which a man, even though he thought he wanted to have children before marriage, may decide that it would be a disaster to introduce children into a situation.

I don’t know his heart. Maybe there are other things going on. Maybe he is pure evil incarnate. I don’t really think so. But, is it possible that he was actually responding to the way he felt you were treating him in the marriage?

This is scary. But as you keep moving towards God and seeking Him, He will remove your fears and give you power to conquer them. 🙂

If you are like I was – you may think that your perspective is the only one there is. It’s not. That is what I used to think. Men have a totally different perspective and think about things completely differently from how we think. But – they have a legitimate perspective and reasons for what they do that are often legitimate, too.

It is going to be exciting to begin to open the doors to see the world of masculinity where your husband lives that you have never really seen before.

There are other reasons he may have decided he didn’t want to have children, too. From what I understand about men now, here would be what I would expect to be his potential motives:

– he feels very disrespected which means he feels very unloved
– he feels afraid, possibly because he had a poor example
– he may feel he can’t deal with the drama he has with you alone, and he knows that things would be much harder if you had children
– he may feel so wounded that he can’t even think about having kids
– he may realize what a huge responsibility it is and feel unprepared
– he may have decided that you are not going to force him to do anything and that he will not cave or be manipulated by your pressuring him.

Those would be some of the reasons I would expect a man to make a decision like that.
What I would like you to do is to assume that he is coming from a place of pain and hurt not a place of evil. And I would like for you to assume you don’t understand his perspective and for you to assume the best instead of the worst.

This will take some time to learn to do.

Your husband is not your enemy. He is a sinner – like we all are. But I have a feeling that his decision about children has a lot to do with what he experienced in marriage those first 6 months. That is my suspicion.

There is a lot of work to do. But it is more than worth it! I am so glad to be with you on this road and I can’t wait to share each step – the struggles and the victories.

FROM GRACEALONE

Thanks so much, April!

When I read your email I was immediately reminded about some of the things my husband would say in the heat of an argument – things like

  • “Why would I ever want to have kids with you?”
  • “All you care about is kids, that’s all you married me for.”
  • “You worry so much now, there is no way I could handle all your stress about you, let alone the stress about the baby. ‘Honey, do you think she is ok? What if something is wrong?’  I wouldn’t be able to tolerate both.”

I would hear those things, and truly just brush them off because I thought he was just saying them because he was frustrated with me. I would have a thought that his reasoning for not wanting children runs deep. I think that is one of the things that has bothered me so much, I never truly knew what the real reason was for him not wanting kids – I still don’t. However, reading over your email about certain possibilities as to why definitely makes me think… I mean do I think there is a deep penetrating fear as to why my husband doesn’t want kids–absolutely, but do I think that part of the reason could be me–yes, I must say I do.

  • When my husband told me some of those reasons as to why he may not want kids, you would think I would have tried to work on those issues he pointed out; but no, I chose at the time to linger in my pain and hurt.

I am starting to see that I have not been as innocent in this either. I remember I used to say things to my husband when he hurt me like

  • “I’m so glad we don’t have kids, because I wouldn’t want them to see you like this or have you as a dad.”

Oh, my word – how wrong I was – that one sentence could be 90% of the reason we don’t have children.

If he had any fears of his own at the time, I completely made a disaster with my words. He would than tell me that he “would feel sorry for the kids having me as a mother. ” I so wish I could go back in time and change things I said. Even knowing all this and that I have played such a HUGE role maybe as to why my husband does not want children, I still catch myself at times feeling sorry for myself – wondering why he won’t “come around.” Seeing all my pregnant friends pop up everywhere is hard, too.

I think you are so right, I always thought my perspective was the only one, but I know that’s not true. There were /sometimes still are times where I struggle so hard not think that my husband has pure evil motives towards me because of withholding these things, but now,

I’m seeing a little bit how evil my motives towards him were. How I tried to manipulate him into caving with his decision regarding kids, I would slather up the guilt with some extra guilt on the side.

I don’t want to do this anymore- I want to try to forgive my husband and not hold it over his head. I want to start fresh. I am VERY scared.

On a positive note, I did workout with him again today – that’s twice this week! That doesn’t sound like a lot , but it’s a big step for me!

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I am giving Gracealone an assignment to write down EVERYTHING hateful, hurtful, sinful and disrespectful she can remember that she has said and done to her husband. It is a LONG list. We were talking about it today. She purposely tried to hurt him as much as possible when she was hurting – just like I did to Greg when I was hurting earlier in our marriage. The price we pay later when we do this kind of damage with our words is astronomical. Please learn how destructive your words can be and how it can be impossible for some men to heal from extremely cutting, emasculating remarks even if you apologize later. Let’s learn to use our words to give life, not use them as weapons anymore!

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