From a single sister in Christ:
The background:
I am dating a really, really nice guy. He is a believer and I haven’t seen any red flags. I mention this b/c I believe that he is a man of strong, compelling character. Where we differ is in how we express our emotions, specifically love. We are both 35+.
I have a few questions:
1. How do you prepare for the reality marriage (in my case as I am seriously dating someone) without making marriage an idol?
2. Am I being short-sighted, petty, immature when I become concerned that we don’t have enough “fun” in our relationship?
He works a lot (and would be a great provider) and we do not live close to each other (at least 1 hour with traffic) so it’s like we have a long distance relationship despite living 30 miles apart. It’s hard for us to spend quality time (my love language) in person. He does call at least once a day to “check in” and when we do spend time together I enjoy myself.
He gets anxious when it comes time to plan things in the future b/c he’s often thinking about work and travel logistics. In my mind, we don’t spend as much time as I would like AND I feel like we don’t create the kind of memories that I EXPECTED you would in a dating relationship. I am slightly concerned about how this translates to marriage. Will it be boring? Will he not want to do fun things and travel (btw, I have plenty of friends, am active in church, travel with others and by myself so I’m busy – I just prefer to spend time with him).
3. When does it switch? Is there a moment when you feel slightly more secure and able to “relax” in the security of your relationship?
My man is a great guy but I do wonder what it would be like to be married; and what the day-to-day would be like. He is very “steady” in his emotions (unlike me:( That said, I often wonder how he really feels and if he’s excited about marriage, to me. I hate that I even care about this – but I see other ladies so “in love” and so certain that their guy is all in and while I have the day to day proof (he’s man of his word) – I don’t often “feel it”. Is this something that develops over time? What expectations do I need to manage?
I didn’t mean to write so much but you have been such a blessing, I just had to take the risk that you may address even one of my questions 🙂
Thank you.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
These are awesome questions! I am so excited to have the chance to address these important issues with y’all. Let’s start with #1.
1. How do you prepare for the reality of marriage without making marriage an idol?
I think it is important to study what it means to be a godly wife and to learn what godly femininity is and to implement that and seek to allow God to grow you personally before you are dating, while you are dating, while you are engaged and every day of your life. The godly femininity thing is important no matter if we are married or single all day every day. The key, in my mind, would be not to allow the marriage, the wedding, or your man to become more important to you than Christ is. Sometimes it can be hard to monitor your motives, but that is going to be extremely necessary. Monitoring our motives is always necessary. Here are some questions to ask ourselves:
- Am I willing to lay down this dream, this marriage, this man – if God calls upon me to do so?
- Is there anything I am holding back from God and afraid to trust Him with?
- Am I willing to seek God’s greatest glory far above my will in my life and in this marriage?
- Am I willing to obey God about how to honor and respect and biblically submit to this man even if he somehow ends up far from God and he is not loving me the way I think I should be loved?
- Do I think I HAVE to have marriage to be happy and content?
- Am I willing to focus on the sufficiency of Christ whether I get my way or not in marrying this man, in how the wedding goes, in how our marriage turns out?
- Am I allowing myself to be consumed by any fear –
i.e.:
1. What if my husband-to-be dies before we get married, I don’t want that to happen, but am I willing to trust God even if my greatest fears were to become reality? Am I willing to be content in Christ alone?
2. What if there ended up being problems in our marriage and I don’t always feel loved and my needs aren’t being met, am I willing to continue living in obedience to God even if I don’t get what I want and even if things are hard?
3. What if we face trials in our marriage rather quickly, am I willing to trust God even if one or both of us suffer?
4. Am I expecting my husband-to-be to be responsible for my happiness or am I taking responsibility for my own spiritual growth and emotions?
I also believe that as you move toward marriage, once you are engaged, especially, it is important to move toward allowing your man (who is a strong believer in Christ, I am always assuming) to lead you more and more. Are you able to trust him? Do you speak your heart, mind, needs, and desires respectfully? But if he disagrees with you, are you willing to follow him and trust God to lead you through him? This will obviously be different once you are married. The stakes will be much higher. But if you don’t want to trust the man you are seriously dating/courting to lead you now, or you don’t trust his judgment – it is time for a prayerful evaluation. Is the problem your faith in God? Is the problem that this man may not be trustworthy?
It is also important to evaluate your parents’ marriage and your husband-to-be’s parents’ marriage and to realize that what they lived out in front of each of you has “programmed” each of you to believe that certain things are “normal.” What things do you each need to reject from your parents’ marriages and what do you need to embrace as godly examples? What issues might you face because of your backgrounds and your personalities and experiences?
I would love for couples to have godly, biblical counseling from a godly mentoring couple who is living out God’s design for marriage before they get married, ideally. And to let them ask you the hard questions to help you prepare and adjust unrealistic expectations.
It may be good to write out all of your expectations of marriage ahead of time that you can think of – and talk about them together.
I think it is worth noting how your man treats his mom and sisters. What does he do when they are upset? How does he treat the customer service rep at Wal-Mart or the grocery store when he is upset? How does he treat a waitress when the order gets all messed up? Are you prepared for him to treat you that way, as well? Are you willing to forgive and extend grace when he sins against you in anger in similar ways? Does he ignore his mom or sisters when they are really emotional? That is probably how he will handle you when you are really emotional. Do you see him for the man he is – not the man you want him to be or think he should be?
Are you willing to accept this man even if he never, ever changes? Sins, weaknesses and all? Are you going to resent him for being himself later because you expected him to change? Most men do not change when they get married. But lots of times, we expect them to.
Does he read the Bible with you and pray with you now? If not, don’t expect him to suddenly start once you get married. Can you live with that and allow God to lead you through him even if he doesn’t do everything the exact way you want him to?
If he gets a job far away from your family, will you be willing to joyfully follow him there?
If he decides later after you get married that he doesn’t want to have kids, are you willing to continue to respect and honor him even if it means that you don’t get to have children?
If he were to become chronically ill or disabled, are you still willing to honor, love, and respect him? Or is your love and respect conditional?
This is not an exhaustive answer to this question, for sure. I have a lot of posts that may be helpful with this issue, as well. But maybe this will give us a place to start.
RELATED:
The Idol of Boyfriends, Weddings, and Marriage
Worldly Weddings VS Christ-Centered Weddings
A Reader Shares about Her Frugal Wedding
You can also search the category on the right side of my home page “birth control,” “bitterness,” “choosing a godly path for career/marriage/motherhood,” “conflict,” “dating/courting,” “developing a feminine spirit, “disrespect,” “divorce,” “engagement,” “fear,’ “femininity,” “growing in Christ,” “honoring God,” “idolatry,” “humility,” “insecurity,” “let him lead,” “marriage roles,” “masculinity,” “preparing for dating and marriage,” “respect,” “romance,” “spiritual authority,” “submission,” “suffering,” “the danger of expectations,” “waiting,” “weddings,”
Crystal
December 5, 2014
In what ways may a person idolize marriage?
Peacefulwife
December 5, 2014
Crystal,
Great question! I have a number of posts about it, you can search through the PSG archives at the top of my home page.
Basically, if we expect marriage or our husband to make us happy and we expect to find all of our fulfillment and contentment in marriage and/or our husband, that is a flag that we may be making marriage into an idol.
An idol is anything or anyone we put above God in our hearts.
Many women, most women, even Christians, tend to have several common idols or temptations for idols:
– marriage
– romance
– a boyfriend
– a husband
– a wedding
– happiness
– feeling loved
– children
– being in control
If I expect my husband to be responsible for my happiness,then if I am upset, in my mind, it is always his fault. And it is always his responsibility to “fix me” or “fix it for me” if I am unhappy. Instead of taking responsibility for my own spiritual health, my walk with Christ, my emotions, I expect him to be responsible for those things for me. The problem is, he can’t make me happy. I am the only one who can be responsible for my emotions and my contentment and happiness. Those are my choices.
If I try to find love, acceptance, identity, security, purpose, contentment, total fulfillment, joy and peace in my husband or in being married, I am going to be very disappointed. The only place I can find those things is in Christ. If I expect my husband or marriage to meet my deepest spiritual and emotional needs that only Jesus can meet, I am going to become a black hole of insatiable neediness, anger, disappointment and bitterness to my husband and we will both soon be miserable.
I must find those things in Christ, then I can be content no matter what my husband does or does not do because I am secure in Christ and filled with the fruit of His Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness and self control. The I can enjoy my husband and appreciate anything he does for me. And I can bless him whether my needs are being met or not.
Peacefulwife
December 5, 2014
With idolizing marriage specifically, I may think that if I am married, I will never be lonely, I will always feel loved, I will always have all my needs met, I will always get my way, I will always be happy – just because I am married. Those are unrealistic expectations of marriage.
Idolatry always leads to fear, anxiety, discontentment, frustration and loneliness.
Peacefulwife
December 5, 2014
Another thing that can happen when a woman idolizes marriage is that she may just want to be married, and not care much about to whom she is married. This tends to lead to desperate, unwise choices.
No decent man wants to marry a woman who just wants to be married but who doesn’t care who she marries. Men can smell this desperation and idolatry of marriage in a woman and they tend to decide to leave quickly – which is wise on their part.
mipwin
December 6, 2014
Thank you for this encouraging and insightful post! I came across your blogs a few weeks ago, because I was searching for posts about idolizing marriage. The simple answer “an idol is anything you live more than God,” may be true, but doesn’t give any practical insight. I like that you break down what that could mean!!
I’m 39, never married, and haven’t dated in quite a while. I admit that I deeply, deeply desire to be married; and it is heartbreaking how lonely I feel. I am very aware that marriage is not a cure-all. And my husband won’t fill places only God should fill. And some people are much more lonely married than single. Still, I would rather be married.
Do you think it’s idolatry to be disappointed that I’m not married? I still serve the Lord, worship Him, obey Him, and trust Him with my life. But some people (not necessarily you!) seem to give the impression that really wanting to be married is an idol, in itself. I’d love to know your thoughts!
Peacefulwife
December 6, 2014
Mipwin,
Great question!
I think desiring marriage is a good, God-given desire. Being disappointed doesn’t necessarily mean that marriage is an idol for you. But it can be wise to check your motives and ask God to show you any hidden sinful motives that you may not see, particularly if you are bitter or very angry or really depressed about not being married, or if you are desperate to get married. I hope that makes sense. 🙂
Praying for God’s will, His timing and His greatest glory in your life! 🙂
mipwin
December 6, 2014
Thank you for your response! By desperate, do you mean the actions that you describe in this and other posts? It does hurt a lot and i do feel sad, but I don’t *think* it rules my whole life. But things affect me more strongly emotionally, no matter what I know to be true spiritually and logically. My main blog is Highly Sensitive Christian. You can learn more there, if you dont know about Highly Sensitive Personality. 🙂
highlysensitivechristian.wordpress.com
Peacefulwife
December 7, 2014
mipwin,
Desperation would include things like:
– trying to force yourself into relationships with men, even men who are not believers
– trying to dictate that men should date you
– being willing to contemplate suicide if you cannot be married by a certain time
– deciding that life is not complete without marriage and that you will never be happy if you aren’t married
– reading often about marriage and weddings to the point of obsession
Thankfully, God’s Spirit gives us victory over emotions, our emotions don’t have to hold us hostage. Our emotions are a blessing and can be a very good thing. They can be indicators that we need to examine how someone is treating us or our own motives. But sometimes our feelings and emotions do not tell us the truth, and we must choose to believe God’s Word over our feelings. It is so very freeing not to be held captive to emotions, but to take each thought captive for Christ.
Much love to you!
jaki
December 8, 2014
…felt like me in more than one area. Thanks for the answers April. Am sober now.
Peacefulwife
December 8, 2014
Jaki,
You are most welcome. I am here if you want to talk about anything. 🙂
eien897
December 8, 2014
I think that its normal to have feelings of anger, depression and sadness if you have been waiting for marriage for a long time and it hasn’t happened…these are normal human emotions when facing life’s disappointments and we should be allowed to feel them once in a while. However, underlying all those emotions should be a firm trust in God. Yes we can feel angry, disappointed and sad over a certain issue and situation and we can even bring those emotions to God to express how we truly feel about something. If you truly trusted God, you would bring your most authentic feelings and emotions to Him. God is strong enough to take our emotions. However, this must be done in reverence and respect, knowing that you are communicating with the Almighty God. Once you express how you feel, commit it to Him in trust with the unswerving knowledge of who God is. God is good and He does not withhold any good thing from those to walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11
Peacefulwife
December 8, 2014
Eien897,
Love this!!! Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂 Very well spoken.
TwoP
December 8, 2014
April, thanks again for responding to my post. I didn’t know it would be so in depth. I have so many thoughts, I need to think through them before I post too much…but let me say that I am really meditating on the idea that you need to accept someone as they are, assuming they will never change. That’s a tall order. We all want that grace but aren’t sure how to extend it.
hmmmm…..
marriage is a very big decision. I didn’t really comprehend how big of a decision it was for a long while. Now, here I am with a great guy and as we go through our relational troubles, I wonder..is this is sign or is this just going into a big decision eyes wide open.
Peacefulwife
December 9, 2014
TwoP,
I went into marriage assuming Greg would change. I assumed “we will mature and grow in Christ together.” But – what I really meant was, “Greg will become the man I want him to be and he will say and do the things I want him to say and do.” I didn’t have the wisdom to see my actual motives back then when I was 21. I had so many assumptions. So many unspoken expectations. I did expect Greg to change. I didn’t want him to stay the way he was. Funny thing was, he wished I would stay the same and never change. But I changed a lot. In a bad way for a long time.
If your guy isn’t a big talker before marriage, he won’t be a big talker after marriage.
If he doesn’t read the Bible with you and pray out loud before marriage, he won’t read the Bible and pray with you out loud after marriage.
These are not necessarily bad things – but if you have these things as expectations, and you are disappointed in him continually – that will be a problem.
Marriage IS a very big decision. It is a covenant “until death do us part.”
There is no perfect man. Every man you could possibly marry will disappoint you. Every man you could marry will sin against you. Some more than others. Some in different ways.
Be sure that your identity, your peace, your joy, your purpose, your acceptance, your fulfillment comes from Christ alone. Be content in Him with our without a man. Jesus is enough. If we have Him, we have all that we need.
Then, if you believe He is leading you to marry a man, evaluate him prayerfully before marriage. If there is something you can’t live with – before marriage is the time to decide that. But once you are married – focus on becoming the wife God desires you to be, not on what your husband “should” be doing. Once you get married, lay down all of your expectations. Focus on being a gift and a blessing to your man, no matter what he does or does not do.
There is a lot to think through and prayerfully consider. I’m glad to talk about anything you want to talk about. My prayer is that you will be sensitive to God’s Spirit and that you might let Him radically transform your heart to be the woman He calls you to be. And that He will give you wisdom about each decision you must make – that your life will be for His greatest glory!