Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23
Here are some suggestions to prayerfully consider, my dear sisters. The most important thing is to be sensitive to what you believe God leads you to do and to do what you need to do to protect yourself from temptation and to stay as close to Christ as possible. Abide in Him constantly! (John 15)
EMAILS/TEXT MESSAGES
I would encourage you to have a godly woman (your mom, a friend, a mentoring wife at your church – someone who is deep in her faith in Christ) to be your accountability partner when you email/text a man. Obviously, there would be some circumstances (like at work) where this may not be feasible. But if you are corresponding with a man electronically, there can be a lot of wisdom in having a third party involved for the sake of accountability. This will help to prevent things from getting out of hand or from moving in a sinful direction. It will help you focus on getting to know this man’s character instead of getting completely caught up in emotions or in talking about sexual fantasies.
I don’t like the idea of making a lot of rules for “dating” or “courting.” But I think that this would be a way to protect your heart and sexuality as well as the man’s heart and sexuality.
Of course, be sure you are honest with the godly man (I am assuming that you are only going to be doing much electronic correspondence with truly godly men) you are speaking to about that you will be copying someone on all emails/texts. It wouldn’t be right to do this without telling him.
REAL LIFE MEETINGS
I believe there is a lot of wisdom in not being alone with guys. That is one goal I have for myself even now. My suggestion is to meet in public places with men in general. I also would recommend that if you are going on dates – that you not spend a lot of time alone in the car together. It could be wise to have another couple with you or some friends with you – or even a younger brother or sister. This is a matter of “making no provision for the flesh.”
Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts. Romans 13:13-14
I would suggest not meeting in bars or dance clubs where promiscuity and drinking are promoted or expected. I want to see my brothers and sisters being completely sober at all times – filled with the Spirit, not drunk with wine. (Ephesians 5:18)
I would also suggest that if you are going to one of your houses – that someone else be there and that the doors be open between the room where you are and the other person/people are so that you both know that other people will be coming in and out or that they will be in the same room with you.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. I Corinthians 6:18-20
SHARE:
What are some of the ways God has prompted you to guard your heart that you might like to share as a blessing with our sisters (and brothers)?
RELATED:
Breaking Up with an Unbelieving Guy
Is It Wise to Be Close Friends with Unbelieving Guys?
The Tragedy of the Hook Up Culture
Submitting Sexual Desire to Christ
Is Casual Sex Compatible with Christianity?
Sexual Immorality Leads Away from Marriage
seventiesjason
June 8, 2015
Agree wholeheartedly! I was asked recently to “supervise” (wing-man) on a date with younger guy / gal in my church (they were in their twenties, I am in my mid-forties). I gave them space but was in eye shot of them the whole time. I made sure the “date” was in a public area / place……..when it was time to “go home” I made sure we all rode the bus together. I didn’t tattle to their parents about their behavior (it was fine btw), nor did I “gossip” about if it would “work or not”
I was the Godly older guy who was just nearby, and on the bus ride back the three of us had a great chat.
If we do want Godly relationships, marriages in church us older men and women……married AND single are going to have to help; rather than hinder. Lead, rather than criticize.
Love this post!
Peacefulwife
June 8, 2015
seventiesjason,
What a fabulous idea! I’d love to share this idea in a post, too, please, my dear brother! 🙂
Lee Ann
June 8, 2015
April,
I think this is so important, even when not “dating” the man. It is just wise when dealing with the opposite sex. Obviously, as you said, I don’t do this at work, (I hope we aren’t emailing/texting our coworkers inappropriate things) but I do this with male friends.
One rule I have is that I do not go to lunch/dinner with married men. If I have a question for a gentleman, I will go through his wife. If it is something like a surprise party for her that I am helping with, I will copy another friend on the correspondence.
I also don’t pray with single men. Now, I will pray for them, of course. I will pray in the same vicinity, but I do not enter into deep prayers with a man, married or otherwise. For example, if a female friend asked for prayer, I would not think anything about stepping to the side, grabbing her hand, and joining her in prayer. A coworker and I used to meet on the stairs to pray at work. I do not think this is wise with a man.
I think we need to be careful about general conversations, even in groups. There are things a lady should not speak about… I do not think it would be wise to speak about undergarments, our cycles, etc.
Something I have to personally be careful with is touch. I tend to touch people when I am speaking to them, and I love giving hugs. This is definitely not always wise, so I try to think before touching someone.
I love this. As a wise woman once said… Accountability is a good thing. Secrecy is not! 🙂
Peacefulwife
June 8, 2015
Lee Ann,
These are some very solid boundaries. I love this! I wonder if you might allow me to share in a post, please? Thank you so much for sharing your insights. 🙂
Much love, my dear sister!
psgleeann
June 9, 2015
April,
Of course you may!
To clarify on the not speaking about certain topics- I mean to try and avoid things that can trigger lustful or sinful thoughts. We can sometimes speak about such things, knowing full well what we’re doing. A good rule of thumb is if we wouldn’t have the conversation with our mentor, our parent, or our pastor present, we should probably avoid it.
Emily
June 9, 2015
This post was very timely for me {smile} because the whole issue of establishing/respecting boundaries is one that I’ve been mulling over recently! Your two points are succinct enough to stand alone, April, but thank you for encouraging us to share!
I would have agree with the no-touch rule. Besides the obvious holding hands and hugging… may I suggest that it also includes rough-housing and playful swatting or shoving? It may be done in fun (that is always my first thought!) but… because we simply can’t know what it will take to cause the man to stumble (in his thoughts or otherwise), it’s not a risk worth taking. (On the flip side, godly young men actually seem to appreciate being around girls who keep their hands to themselves and maintain a quiet dignity. They seem to know and respect the fact that those girls want to help their brothers in Christ {as well as themselves} stay pure.)
What the Lord has really been calling my attention to lately, however, is my THOUGHT life… it will be very difficult (impossible?) to conduct ourselves honorably if our hearts are not kept pure the rest of the time. Even daydreaming–you know, the innocent pastimes of girls in books ;)–can become a real snare if it runs unchecked! The more intricate our castles of air, the more unrealistic our expectations… the more possessive and possibly unchaste our thinking becomes.
I’ve found, however, that Scripture purifies us like nothing else can. Quiet time prepares us for the day’s struggles and surprises, and then throughout the day the passages or verses we have memorized are there to fall back upon. Just this morning, while struggling with an improper thought, I impulsively flipped to Psalm 119 and began to read. Long before the end, I stopped with a fresh realization of what should be filling my mind and affections. (The Psalmist loved God’s Word so MUCH!) Immersing ourselves in it is the single best way to guard our hearts.
As a little personal aside… Strangely enough, April, I first found out about you last week in your testimony on the Head Covering Movement site… that pointed to your Peaceful Wife blog, which led my watching to a few YouTube videos, which landed me here. 🙂 I love your blog so much and have spent hours here since then, browsing through the different topics you’ve addressed. The Lord richly bless your ministry!
Emily
Peacefulwife
June 9, 2015
Emily,
I’m so glad this was a blessing. 🙂
Thank you for sharing these ideas, as well. The rough-housing can definitely seem playful and fun, but can lead to temptation. That is a good point.
And I am REALLY thankful that God is speaking to you about your thought life! Taking every thought captive for Christ is most necessary for us all! That is where the battle rages – in our minds. When we allow God to empower us to shoot down sinful thoughts the second they appear, it is infinitely easier to resist temptation than if we allow sinful thoughts to marinate in our minds.
Thank you so much for sharing. I LOVE Psalm 119!!! That is a perfect place to focus and meditate!
I’m so thankful to meet you and I am humbled and grateful that God has led you here. I am looking forward to getting to know you more and to see all that God has in store for you, my sister!
Thank you for the prayer of blessing. 🙂 I appreciate that so much!
With love,
April
psgleeann
June 9, 2015
April,
Of course you may!
To clarify on the not speaking about certain topics- I mean to try and avoid things that can trigger lustful or sinful thoughts. We can sometimes speak about such things, knowing full well what we’re doing. A good rule of thumb is if we wouldn’t have the conversation with our mentor, our parent, or our pastor present, we should probably avoid it.
Renee Harris
June 10, 2015
How do you develop a close friendship with a man if you’re never getting married. All of these rules seem to eliminate intimacy from relationship with a guy.
Peacefulwife
June 10, 2015
Renee Harris,
I think it is possible to develop a strong friendship with a guy if you are not getting married – but I think it is appropriate to guard your heart and to be sure not to lead him on if he were to develop feelings for you.
You can communicate pretty deeply even when you are copying an accountability partner or you are meeting only in public places. But this type of measure will help to prevent things from becoming inappropriate.
Am I answering your question?
Much love!
jack
June 10, 2015
Renee-
Well, the whole culture is broken. None of the traditional means of meeting a wife or husband exist anymore, and we have a winner-take-all approach now.
Corporatism and consumerism have come to define most of the meeting and dating methods these days. I’m not sure that there is anything other than pure chance now. There seems to be no real strategy to meet someone that would work for “most” people.
We once lived in a culture that had a system that – while imperfect – at least was successful for most people. Now, it is successful only for a few.
Julia
June 11, 2015
I feel like most of these suggestions are good ones, but above all each person needs to take responsibility for their actions towards the other person they are with and ownership of their motives under God. Boundaries are essential, but I’ve learned that everything doesn’t need to be so black and white. There are clear instructions given in the Bible for men/women relationships that need to be followed, but there also are many gray areas that can vary by individual strengths/weaknesses and prompting by the Holy Spirit. With good self-awareness and understanding of how your actions may effect a person of the opposite sex, I’ve found that God honoring decisions can be most often made.
Peacefulwife
June 11, 2015
Julia,
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EXACTLY!!!!
This is the primary message I want to send. If this is not what the post says to you – I need to rework it a bit to emphasize this point more clearly.
God’s Spirit is the key – and our willingness to listen to Him and to obey His promptings. That is more important than any guidelines or boundaries. 🙂
Julia
June 14, 2015
I think that it is so hard to convey that concept through writing. For people that have more ‘legalistic,’ or black and white personalities, like myself, it’s so hard to comprehend living life first by the Holy Spirit’s prompting, versus the thoughts of judgment that are constantly chiming in your head. It’s a concept that’s pretty new to my heart, so I still find myself a little hypersensitive to black and white thinking.
All that is to say, I don’t think you conveyed it poorly, more so I wrestle with my spirit often on these things and your post my have unintentionally struck a chord. I also think that I would’ve taken it as a bunch of rules no matter what 6 months ago, as my eyes were not opened to the Holy Spirit like they are now. 🙂
Peacefulwife
June 14, 2015
Julia,
I appreciate you sharing this. I want to be very sensitive to people’s triggers. I don’t ever want to promote legalism. But I also know that for those who don’t have the Spirit in charge in their lives and who haven’t experienced that – none of this will make sense, and it may look like rules.
How I praise God for what He is doing in your life! 🙂
Julia
June 15, 2015
I understand that you are definitely not trying to promote legalism. I was reading Romans 14 this morning and again reminded of the discretions of Christian life and how we are not to get caught up in judging or critiquing minor choices in the church. Their is so much freedom for the Holy Spirit to work in our life when we break these chains. 🙂
Peacefulwife
June 15, 2015
Julia,
I just so love what God is doing in you. Makes me smile. THank you for sharing! How I praise God for the freedom we have in Christ!
JC
June 12, 2015
“There are clear instructions given in the Bible for men/women relationships that need to be followed,”
Really? Other than outright adultery/fornication, I don’t know of a single one.
1 Timothy 5:1-2
Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.
I find this command very easy to wrap my mind around.
The whole subject of “legalism,” at its core, involves the way creating rules actually interferes with God’s true intent. For example, the Pharisees’ rigid Sabbath Day regulations were so over-the-top that the took offense at a man being healed by Jesus on the Sabbath.
It is very clear where damage can be done on this subject of “boundaries,” too. The interactions that believers are commanded to have among one another are described in detail for Christ’s church to function as a Body (SO much more is said about this in Scripture than marriage, by the way!), and if you create a chasm where those interactions are not possible between men and women in the church, you’ve nullified Scripture and destroyed the church–a very serious sin.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand the panic about sexual purity this day in age. You can quit driving to avoid the risk of a car accident, sure, or you can learn to drive your car safely. I also recognize–to take the analogy further–that maybe someone is so bad at driving responsibly that he has to take a break from driving altogether until he learns to drive safely, and hence maybe some of these extreme though ultimately unbiblical boundaries have a valid, temporary purpose until better learning/training can take place; of course adultery/fornication is a disaster. However, 1 Timothy 5:1-2 is what should be taught to put opposite sex interactions in an appropriate light; Paul says to treat younger women like sisters “in all purity” and that’s not a command to avoid them like the black death–quite the contrary! Avoiding the family of God isn’t a righteous option whatsoever.
I really don’t like the idea of the church becoming some matchmaking place, either, by the way. I don’t want to think of single women in the church looking at me like fresh meat rather than a brother in Christ (or vice-versa)–that is just so far from what the church is supposed to be.
Peacefulwife
June 12, 2015
JC,
Interactions are possible in the church – with purity, propriety, and holiness. And we can have relationships that honor God between men and women in the church yet also guard against temptation. I believe it is possible to do this without legalism when we seek to honor Christ in everything and avoid the appearance of evil. Accountability, in my view, helps a great deal. To me, boundaries are not legalistic IF we are seeking to please Christ and to treat our brothers and sisters with the love of God – looking out for their welfare, and making no provision for the flesh.
JC
June 12, 2015
I should be more positive. I agree that precautions can be very warranted in a lot of cases, especially if the couple in question feels so. I agree with a lot of your protocol. Of course, I certainly agree with the intent.
I also think we agree that a lot of our interactions with brothers/sisters in Christ are very, very edifying too, with very good things coming of it.
The less either agenda can be compromised, the better. But there are a lot of complicated scenarios and a lot of tragedies.
Forgive me, I needed to keep in mind the “common ground” better. 🙂
Peacefulwife
June 13, 2015
Thank you for sharing, JC. 🙂
Julia
June 14, 2015
JC, I whole heartedly agree with you that people shouldn’t be so scared to do wrong that they never interact. But, the direction that we hold as Christians to keep our thoughts and intentions pure, to act in a loving, humble, and respectful manner, to make choices that uplift others in Christ, rather than possibly lead them away, etc. All of those things come about from the choices that we make in interacting with others. So it’s not a matter of not interacting, but understand the responsibility we hold towards God and others in the church when we interact with them.
And I understand your desire to not want to be eyed by every woman that walks through the door as a potential marriage partner. For women in their 20’s-especially with the overwhelming presence of social media-marriage has become an idol for many. Almost a competition or a game in today’s society, so to speak.
JC
June 15, 2015
Julia,
Of course it’s fine that Christian women want to get married and even keep an eye out and I know I should understand that. Normally I would have a huge passion for marriage myself–but my passion for the church is much greater, as that pertains to strengthening our walk with Christ who is my greatest passion. 🙂
I long for totally healed interactions that honor God and one another. I’m eager to jump into the workings of things, receiving and contributing to total efficiency.
Thank you for considering how to love best. Lord bless you. 🙂