A Counseling Session with Peacefulwife

My precious sisters in Christ, I have so enjoyed getting to know many of you – hundreds of you – by email and here on the blog over the past 2 years. I now count many of you as close friends. What I am going to share with you today is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hard for me to share!  It brings me to tears, actually.  I SO DO NOT WANT TO GIVE UP MY EMAIL MINISTRY, because it is one of my favorite parts of this ministry God has given to me. It is where the real nitty gritty disciple-making process often happens.

Unfortunately, I cannot continue to spend 3-6 hours per day responding to emails. 😦 That doesn’t count the other time spent on my blogs or writing a book.  This is creating way too much imbalance in my own life and I have got to take steps to make sure I am spending the time with God and my own family that I need to and that my life isn’t completely consumed by emails. I WANT SO MUCH to help every woman personally and individually – but I just am not able to. It’s probably way past time for me to acknowledge my limitations here. Even though I don’t want to have to do this, I know that I need to – but it makes me SO SAD!!!!!!

  • It’s TOTALLY fine for you to leave comments, updates (I LOVE those!) and questions on the blog and on the FB page. PLEASE DO!!!!!! I am thrilled to hear from you! I also love it when women encourage and share with each other and form a supportive community together. 

(If you have been emailing me recently, you may reply to my recent emails and we will finish the conversations we started. :))

The needs are very great. I don’t want to let any women slip through the cracks and not get help they need. And yet, I just cannot personally counsel everyone.  So – I have been praying and seeking God’s face and wisdom about this issue fervently.

RESOURCES:

  • my Youtube channel “April Cassidy” has about 65 videos with all kinds of topics.
  • How to Navigate My Site (www.peacefulwife.com)
  • PSG Archives – a chronological listing of all the posts on my blog

HERE IS SOMETHING I BELIEVE GOD DESIRES ME TO DO:

Let’s all walk together through a typical conversation I would have when women have emailed me in the past. I have seen God heal hundreds of women through the email ministry and the blogs. But, the most important thing is that women need Christ Jesus, not me. They need His wisdom, His power, His Spirit, His truth – not me. There is no room for any pride in my heart about this. Jesus must greatly INCREASE and I must greatly decrease. I am just the pipe through which the power of God flows. Our greatest need – for all of us – is Jesus, Himself. I am concerned that sometimes, the more I counsel women, the more they may depend on me instead of God. That is not good. And, I am also concerned that maybe I might tend to give too much “advice” when I should be doing more pointing to Christ and the Biblical Principles of His Word. I still have TONS of things to learn here, myself! I have a lot of room to grow as a believer in Christ, as a wife, as a mentor… Please pray that God would empower us all to be faithful to Him and for His greatest glory in all of our lives, as well!

When I first “meet” a woman, I listen to her story, sympathize deeply with her pain and struggles (I have certainly been there, too!) and then I usually ask a series of questions, something like this:

1. What is your relationship like with Jesus?

2. Does your man (if you have one) have a relationship with Jesus?

3. What was your parents’ marriage like?

4. What was your guy’s parents’ marriage like?

5. What is it that you believe you must have to be happy?

6. What are your greatest fears?

7. What sins, if any, are you cherishing in your heart that may be more important to you than Jesus?

8. Are there goals and priorities in your life that come above Christ?

The woman sends me her responses. Here is my thought process that I walk through with each one:

1. If her relationship with Jesus is nonexistent or extremely weak, I know that this is the problem. I know this is where her focus has got to be. This journey to become godly women is ALL about our walk with Christ. It has almost nothing to do with our men. Here are the two primary commandments God gives to all of us. If we don’t have these things at the top of our priorities and concerns, we are not going to have anything right with God or other people in our lives.

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40

2. If her man is far from God – the direction from God is very clear. We are to put Christ CLEARLY first in our lives and live in total submission to Him as LORD, walking in obedience to Him by the power of His Spirit, and that is the only type of man God desires us to marry. God commands us very clearly not to marry unbelievers. If a woman is with an unbeliever, that issue has to be addressed. She cannot live a life pleasing to God if she puts this man ahead of the commands of God in the Bible. That is extremely shaky ground upon which to build a relationship or marriage. It will not work. When we disobey God, we discover a pathway and life filled with pain, misery and regret.

3./4. The answers to these questions tell me what each person in the relationship believes is “normal.” This tells me how the man and woman were “programmed” to believe marriage should be when they were growing up. The farther their parents’ relationship was from God’s design, wisdom, truth and power – the more correction will need to be done now in this current relationship.

All parents are imperfect, wretched sinners. All people on the planet are, according to God’s Word. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23.  There are some things that parents have done, all parents, that were not godly examples to their children. And, of course, we have also been greatly influenced by the ungodly and worldly culture around us, as well, even in the church. So, it is time to evaluate our marriages by the standard of God’s Word instead of clinging to the imperfect examples of our parents. We must all throw out anything in our understanding of God, ourselves, life, masculinity, femininity, family and marriage that does not match up with Scripture. So we dig all the way down till we get to Christ in our hearts, the Rock. And we build our understanding from scratch on God’s Word for all of these things.

If there are SERIOUS problems in the relationship – real abuse (current or in the past), infidelity, uncontrolled mental disorders or active addictions, I refer people to find experienced, godly, biblical spiritual help and sometimes also medical help or any help that they may need in their situation. I am not qualified to counsel on these severe issues. God’s Word is always true and God is able to heal. But people may need more resources than I can personally offer about these issues.

Some of the commands God gives us in His Word for how we are to build our lives and marriages are found here:

  • Ephesians 5:22-33
  • I Corinthians 13:4-8
  • I Corinthians 11:3
  • Titus 2:3-5
  • Galatians 5:19-26
  • Romans 12:9-21
  • The Bible and Divorce (at the bottom of this post are ALL of the scriptures there are in the Bible about marriage and divorce)

5.-8. These question helps to reveal idols. We ALL have idols. Unless we have consciously dug them out and torn them out by the roots, “the human heart is an idol factory,” and there are things that we believe we MUST have to be happy that are not Jesus. But God will never allow us to find contentment in anything but Himself. So, as long as we are pursuing idols, and putting other things above Jesus, we are going to continue being miserable, afraid, worried, discontent and lonely. Our greatest fears are often the opposite of whatever our idols are.

If we are trying to find our happiness in being in control, SELF, a man, an engagement ring, a wedding, marriage, money, health, beauty, career, children… those things cannot satisfy us. They cannot fill the gaping hole that only Jesus can fill in our hearts. We have got to be willing to part with and crucify all the sin in our lives in order to come to Christ. He is more than willing and able to forgive us of our sins. But first, we must confess our sins and agree that what we are doing is sin, then He is faithful and just and will cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (I John 1:9)

The main sins I see over and over are (and these were my own sins, too!):

  • UNBELIEF – I don’t think God is trustworthy. I don’t think He is who He says He is in the Bible. I don’t think I can stop trusting myself and trust Him instead. I’m afraid He will take away my family and all the things that matter most to me if I were to trust Him. I think He is actually “bad” and that He doesn’t REALLY have loving motives and good motives towards me. I can’t let go of control. If I do, my world will fall apart. I live as if I am sovereign, not God. I live as if everything depends on me, not God. I am completely consumed by fear. I don’t know God. I don’t know His love. I don’t believe His Word. I may think I believe His Word, but I don’t live like I believe His Word because my actions show my true priorities and where my ultimate trust is – and it is in myself.
  • IDOLATRY

– I depend on other things, my man or myself to find contentment in life. My greatest goal is my own happiness. If I am not happy, I am justified to sin in any way I want to in order to find happiness. I will be happy no matter what it costs me or anyone else. I expect my guy to be responsible for my happiness. I do not take responsibility for my own happiness. If I am unhappy, he needs to fix it. I don’t look to Christ to find contentment, peace and joy. I expect my man to meet needs that only Jesus can meet in my soul.

I depend on myself to find contentment. If I can just be in control and be in charge of everything, it will all work out “right.” I live as if I am sovereign, not God. I trust myself, not God. I may say I trust God. I may think I trust Christ. But my life is full of worry, defeat, fear, anxiety and a desperate struggle to try to MAKE everything happen the way I think it should. I don’t realize that trying to have control is actually an illusion. I don’t control very much at all. And I don’t realize that trusting God is so much better than trusting myself. He actually IS God and He IS sovereign. I am not God. And I am not sovereign. And if I try to live as if I am God and I am sovereign, I will be one miserable person. God will NEVER let me find contentment in trusting SELF.

– There are many other idols, too: children, beauty, health, money, power, fame, the media, attention, youth, our husband’s love, our man’s behavior, his salvation, his pure thought life… we can make almost anything into an idol that we cherish above God.

Because we are cherishing sin in our hearts, we are not full of the Holy Spirit. This is often why we don’t have God’s peace, joy and power in our lives!

Here is a test to see, are we full of God’s Spirit or not? Do I have ANY of the qualities in verses 19-21 in my life? If so, I am cherishing sin in my  heart and living in the power of the sinful nature, not the power of God’s Spirit. If God’s Spirit lives in me, I will crucify the sinful nature and it will be buried with Christ and I will put on my new nature in Christ and have the fruit of His Spirit (verses 22-23) in my life in increasing measure. I may stumble every once in awhile, but I immediately get up and repent and return to Christ. I cannot bear to continue on in sin. If I am living in sin and I am happy living in sin, I have a MAJOR problem.

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Galatians 5:19-25

My prayer is that we would all repent of every trace of sin and submit our lives fully to Christ as our Savior AND our LORD. I ask every wife to focus on HERSELF, not her husband. This is ALL about her relationship with Jesus.

Jesus clearly says, “If anyone loves Me, he will obey Me…. anyone who does not obey Me does not love Me.” John 14:22,24

The only motives God wants to see in our hearts are:

1. We love God with all our hearts, minds, souls and strength and want to please and obey Him.

2. We want to love and bless others with no thought for getting anything in return.

God will use our marriages to refine our motives until our faith becomes beautiful and pure and we become holy in His sight!

I pray that this post might help give you a boost if you need it to seek Christ with all your heart and to begin down the narrow path that leads to Jesus and His Life, peace and joy. You are welcome to leave comments! :)

RELATED:

Stages of This Journey

Expectations

I Feel So Alone on This Journey to Become a Godly Woman

I Want to Feel Loved!

What Does God Say About Me?

6 Responses “A Counseling Session with Peacefulwife” →
  1. Thank you so much for your blog. It has really opened my eyes to so many things. I dare to say my eyes are open to how much of a mess I didn’t realize I am. For this I am grateful, oddly enough. At least now I feel as though I have a place to start. I wish nothing but the best for you on your journey.

    Reply
    • Renee,

      That has to be the first step! It was for me. I was SHOCKED when I saw that I didn’t just have a speck of sin, I had a FOREST! Until we truly realize how messed up and wretchedly sinful we are, we cannot truly understand the depths of the mercy, grace and forgiveness Jesus offers to us. And it is only when we see just how much we owe Him that we can completely love and devote ourselves to Him with proper gratitude

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!

      Reply
  2. Hey, I’ve been introduced to your blog by a close Christian friend, and I have found your posts and sharing to be very biblical and uplifting. I have learned a lot from the wisdom that is shared here. However, I have some questions about relationships that I would really like to have answered and I have no idea where to find the answers, and I was hoping to be able to hear what you have to say about it. Firstly, do you believe that God has set apart one special person for each of us, that we all have someone that God has destined us to be with and is set apart for? If there is, how do we know for sure who that special person is? Secondly, if God has revealed that special person to us, and we have entered into a relationship with that person which did not turn out successfully and ended with a break up, does that mean that God will find someone else for us, changing his initial will and plan for our lives, or will he bring us back together again, just when the timing is right? I’ve been praying for God to reveal the answers to me and I hope you’ll be able to help. Thanks so much. If you want to hear my story, you can email me.

    Reply
    • Anthea,

      This is a great question.

      I know our culture pushes (thanks, Disney) for this idea of “the one.”

      I am not sure I buy that idea at all.

      I believe Jesus is THE ONE we need in our life. Not in a romantic way. But when our lives are build on Him and He is THE BIGGEST love and desire of our lives, then we will live in the center of God’s will and have wisdom for each step.

      God is sovereign. he is ultimately in control. He is not limited by time. He knows what will happen. But if you believe one particular person is for you, and that person rejects you, then that person has the power to take you out of the sovereignty of God, it seems to me.

      Thankfully, God is sovereign no matter what we do. He is able to even use our sins and mistakes and others’ sins to accomplish His purposes in our lives.

      I don’t see where the Bible teaches we have one shot at the “right” spouse. The New Testament teaches that we are only to marry someone who is “in The Lord” and that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

      I think the soul mate concept can easily promote idolatry of a particular person and the expectation that a person will meet all of our needs, instead of us looking to Christ to meet our deepest needs and finding our contentment in Him alone.

      Here is a great post by my friend, Kayla, about soul mates.

      Reply
      • Thank you for your reply, I’ve read the post by Kayla about soul mates and I agree that no one should take the first place in our lives, only God should be in the first and center of our lives. However, I also believe that God is sovereign and in control of all the details of our lives, including the area of romantic relationships. He cares about every area of our lives, not just our spiritual well being, but our relationships as well, and since choosing a life partner is one of the biggest and most important decisions we make in this life, I believe that God will grant us the wisdom we need when it comes to making decisions about whom to date or marry. Since he has all the details in our lives planned out according to His great purposes, that includes having a specific person He wants to bless us with as a marriage partner, right? But that doesn’t mean that the person will be perfect for us and the relationship will be perfect, because we are sinners and sometimes even our loved ones will fail us and let us down. And I guess when a person we believed to be someone God had brought into our lives to be our partner rejects us and ends the relationship, God must have a good reason for it as well. He can use this failed relationship to accomplish His purposes in our lives, for He knows what’s best for us. God is sovereign and in control, if it is His will, He will redeem and restore that broken relationship and help us start afresh again, in His own time and way. We just need to put our faith and trust in Him.

      • Anthea,

        Yes, God IS sovereign and does know the future and does have good plans for us who live for Him and are fully devoted to Him – good plans by His definition and perspective. And yes, no person will be perfect and no relationship will be perfect. And no man can bring us happiness and fulfillment – only Christ can bring us true joy, purpose and contentment.

        If someone rejects us – God is still sovereign and still in control and can still use that situation for our ultimate good and His glory.

        He is able to restore broken relationships. He is also able to direct us to someone else.

        Exactly – when we are living in total faith and trust in Him, He will direct our steps.

        Much love to you!

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