Am I “Too Damaged” to Have a Godly Marriage One Day?

A question a precious sister in Christ sent me lately:

So, if some people are damaged, and they aren’t suitable for a Godly relationship, what are they supposed to do?  I’m not naive, nor am I blind, I have the kind of past that constitutes “unsuitable”.  If we’re being honest, I’m kind of a poster child of unsuitable.  

This is the AWESOME thing about when we turn to Christ.  He is able to heal our souls.  He is able to tear out all the wrong “programming” you received growing up and all the pain and damage and He is able to “reprogram” you, to give you a new heart, a new mind, a new spirit.  Actually, that is what we ALL need!

There may be some physical consequences of sin we will still have to deal with, but…

There is EVERY reason for hope in Christ, my precious sister!

I have seen God heal women who were sexually abused, raped, molested, on drugs, who had committed sexual sin, who were addicted to pornography, who were adulteresses, who had eating disorders, who had alcohol addictions, who were suicidal, who were severely depressed, who had had abortions… you name it… come to Christ and find total healing, new life and the power of God’s Spirit to radically change them to become the women of God’s dreams.

• THANKFULLY – our becoming new women in Christ is all about HIM and what He can do and not about what we can do in our own strength!

Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:9-11

Jesus did not come for the healthy, but for the sick!  And – it turns out – we are ALL very sick on our own with sin.

My suggestion is to focus on tearing out all the sin, lies and damage and scars and allowing Christ to remove anything offensive to Him.  Just like all of us have to learn to trash the “wisdom” we think we have about God, about ourselves, about being a woman, about femininity, about marriage, about love, about masculinity. etc… you will do this, too.  Then learn all you can about His wisdom and His way of living and allow Him to change you.  The more you can heal before a potential committed relationship, the better.  You may want to have some godly, biblical counseling from an older mentoring woman or counselor.

It is not that you can never be married and have a godly marriage.  God is able to heal us all!  

The thing is to be aware of the baggage and wounds you and possibly a man may have and work to heal as much as you can before marriage and understand that there may be unique challenges after marriage because of any unhealed wounds.  My admonishment was to be sure people understand the wounds and to prepare ahead of time to deal with that and not to expect marriage to be as “easy” as it is for people who didn’t have those kinds of scars.

BUT – YES Jesus can heal you and YES you can have a godly marriage!  I have seen many, many women whom God has healed and given them a healthy, godly marriage who had extremely traumatic pasts.

If you are willing to allow God to remove anything He wants to take out of your soul that has gangrene on it, and allow Him to work in your heart to make you new in Him – God can heal you just like He does everyone who comes to Him in faith and submits to Him completely as Lord.

NONE of us deserve God’s love.  It is not about us.  This is about HIS character. He loves because He IS LOVE.  The more we know Him, the more we can lay aside our fears.  ALL of us have sin and scars – He is able to turn all of that into something VERY BEAUTIFUL for His glory!

CHECK OUT THIS WIFE’S STORY – She allowed me to share on http://www.peacefulwife.com last week.

God has blessed us with MANY stories from so many wives recently who are sharing what He is doing by His power alone in their lives and marriages.  I know that this wife’s story will touch and bless you.  Thank you to her for sharing!

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I am writing to express my heartfelt gratitude to you and the work that you are doing. I am 33 years old and I too have begun the journey to become a peaceful wife, and intend to see it to the end.

I have been receiving a calling to go into ministry over the last couple years but deep down the Spirit was moving me that my relationship with my husband needed to be repaired before I could minister to others.

It was by pure happenstance that I came across a video of yours on Youtube. At first I must admit that I was more than skeptical at your message and thought that you were cut from a different type of cloth :-). But as I listened more and more, Jesus spoke to my heart and I saw the truth.

As I began readjusting my heart and my attitude, like so many others, I am seeing immediate improvements in my relationship. My husband who had begun shrinking away from me, became once more the man I fell in love with. Amazing, thoughtful, loving, incredibly helpful and supportive.

But how did I get to that point of being so proud, controlling and almost resentful of men that I kept reminding myself to prepare for the worst?  Well, I hope my story can help someone else who has a similar past.

My Story:

At around the age of seven, I was sexually abused by my neighbor. The abuse lasted for a couple years and only ended when my family moved away. I had pushed the memory into my subconscious but unfortunately it all came rushing back when I saw the person again at around 16 years old. After that, it would be an understatement to say that my teenage years were rife with issues, I was constantly rebelling and getting into trouble. Added to that my dad was very verbally abusive to my mother, I remember how he would shout at her and embarrass her constantly.

I remember making several promises to myself that I would NEVER allow myself to be weak, to be powerless and taken advantage of as a woman.

• I developed a strong and domineering personality, an attitude which propelled me at work, as I am now a successful professional.

• But my personal life and connections suffered tremendously. I was very suspicious of people and expected the worst. When I let myself love (as with my husband) I only allowed myself to love up to a point and of course expected, and prepared for, the worst.

Within recent years, and after recommitting myself to God, I have been breaking down my many walls with His help. I admit that this one was the hardest.

How could I let myself “submit” to a man? After all I had been through?  It was a very hard pill to swallow.

Having started on my journey, I can honestly say that It has been quite liberating. I am learning to trust all over again. Like a baby learning to walk, I am

• trusting that God will not let me fall and that he has blessed me with a husband who will hold my hand through it
• learning that love and trust is not a sign of weakness but rather a gift from God
• learning to relax and let peace and respect fill my marriage
• learning to take instructions and corrections (a biggie) from my husband and recognizing him as the leader of our home, after 10 years of marriage.

I can’t wait to start my ministry and give witness to yet another testament of God’s love….He really is a chains-breaking God!!

 

Ladies:

I believe that there are some Christian men who may feel a call by God to marry a specific woman who has a broken past – whether it was originally by her choice to deliberately sin or whether she was abused or raped and was a complete victim.

I believe a man has the right to decide and choose whether that is a situation he is willing to commit himself to or not.  Just like a woman would need to be free to choose to freely commit herself to a man who had scars, wounds or issues from his past and she needs to know these things up front before marrying him.

If someone has herpes/HIV/hepatitis, a history of drug use, a history of porn addiction, a history of alcoholism, a history of promiscuity or abuse – those are things a potential spouse would need to know about so that he/she could prayerfully consider if he/she is able to properly commit in this situation.

And, a person with a sinful history – which would really include all of us- would need to be able to show that he/she is repentant of any sin and that he/she wants to live in obedience to Christ and live a life of chastity, honoring the marriage bed and honoring Christ with his/her body.

A couple in a situation with deep wounds/scars would be wise to seek godly counsel and mentoring, in my view, before committing to marriage – being sure that both people understand what lies ahead.

I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for each of you! 🙂

please also check out – “Dealing with Earthly Consequences of Sin”

Crystal’s Story – Part 1

Crystal’s Story – Part 2

Avoiding Regrets – Having the Life You Want in the Future

If you have been through a divorce – please check out the post on http://www.peacefulwife.com and search “The Bible and Divorce” – there are some important issues to prayerfully consider