Shaunti Feldhahn is one of my favorite authors.
She is a social researcher and Christian author who does large scale, statistically accurate surveys of men and women to discover how we think and relate to each other. What a blessing to the Body of Christ! Her book, “For Women Only,” was the book that most helped me begin to understand men in general – and was a fantastic place to start to begin to understand my own husband. It gave me a starting point to begin having some fascinating discussions with Greg about his masculine world, his perspective, the way he thinks, and the issues he faces as a man.
One of the most difficult chapters in the book, “For Women Only,” for many women, is the chapter about how men are “visual” and what that means in real life.
For lots of women, much of the information Shaunti shares from her surveys of men – is new information that we didn’t ever understand or even hear much about before. Some women handle learning this new information well – but a minority of women completely freak out.
The point of learning about these things is that we might be better informed, equipped, and empowered to BLESS our men, our future marriages, our sons, our brothers in Christ, and to please the Lord.
One of the reasons Shaunti teamed up with Craig Gross (pastor and founder of http://www.xxx.church.org) is to explain the whole “how men think” and what it means that men are “visual” in a bit more detail – and to better equip us as women to respond in HEALTHY, productive, godly ways to this information. That is what I want for each of us.
If you believe that you are not able to read about this topic without freaking out in a destructive way – I would encourage you NOT to read my review or Shaunti’s book until you have prayed and believe you are emotionally and spiritually stable enough to read about this. And, if you are not handling this topic well – please seek appropriate godly counseling (in person, one-on-one) to help walk you through this.
- There are resources at http://www.xxxchurch.org and http://www.menarevisual.com that may be helpful, as well.
Please keep in mind that each man is unique. There is a continuum with how much men struggle with this just like there is with how much women struggle with PMS. (For some women, PMS barely exists at all. For some, it is an inconvenience and a hassle for a few days, or a week or two each month. For others, it is devastating and destructive to all of their relationships.) Shaunti’s book opened the door for us to bridge a large gap of misunderstanding that I didn’t even realize I had. I used to think that everyone thought just like I did – regardless of personality or gender. Now I understand that men and women have very different brain structure and brain chemistry – which makes a large impact on how we think and what we think. And, of course, there is room for lots of individual variation between different people, as well.
THIS IS A TOUGH TOPIC
Admittedly, the issue of the struggles and temptations men face (especially battles that are different from the ones we primarily face as women) is probably one of the most difficult topics for women.
The enemy doesn’t want us to understand, empathize with, or offer grace to our brothers in Christ or our men. He doesn’t want our men to understand, empathize with, or offer grace to us in our particular struggles as women either. He wants to continue to create division, resentment, bitterness, and hatred between men and women, husbands and wives.
The hallmark of believers of Christ is that we have God’s Spirit. And when His Spirit is in charge, not our sinful flesh, we will have His unconditional love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), His Spirit of unity, His peace, His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness, and His power in our midst. THAT is the goal, my dear sisters!
PLEASE PRAY WITH ME:
Lord,
How I pray that You might prepare each of our hearts to be soft, humble, fully submitted to You, willing to hear Your truth, and receptive to anything You want to share with us as we study the topic of how men think and the temptations they face. Help us remember that each of these men are dearly beloved sons of yours for whom Christ died – or they are wayward sons for whom Christ died and You long to receive them to Yourself.
Together, we lift up every reader of mine and of Shaunti’s who will read about this topic and who will read this book – that the Holy Spirit might work ahead of time in her soul – and that God might use these difficult discussions to break down barriers, bridge the large gap of misunderstanding between men and women/husbands and wives – and bring healing to the Body of Christ, to marriages, to families, and to relationships all over His church in our country and around the world. Stop divorces in Your Body, Lord! Heal wounded marriages. Heal broken wives and broken husbands. Reconcile marriages and strengthen them by Your Spirit’s power to properly display the mystery of Christ and His church for the glory of Your Gospel! I pray that with our increased understanding and knowledge, that we might use this information for GOOD in our homes and churches as You desire us to.
In the Name and power of Christ,
Amen!
A PREVIEW:
One of the most heartbreaking things I read in Shaunti’s new book is the sentiment that many Christian men in our culture today feel guilty – just for having a male brain – just for existing as men or being masculine, not feminine.
This should not be! My precious sisters! What a tragic thing that our fathers, our husbands, our brothers, and our sons may feel that they are “wrong” just for being men. Our culture has been trying to squeeze men into a feminine mindset for many decades now. We have labeled many ways that men think, talk, and act as “wrong.” We have demanded – in our marriages, in our families, and in our churches – that men should think, talk, and act like women. We have all been marinating in the idea that “women are spiritually/morally superior to men” and that women’s sins are not as bad as men’s sins.
These ideas are not biblical! We are ALL equally sinful before a holy God. We ALL equally and desperately need the blood of Christ to cover our awful sins that grieve God’s heart. We are ALL on level ground at the foot of the cross. None of us are “better than” the other. If we think we are, that is pride and self-righteousness – which are both sins.
God made men and women both in His image (Genesis 2). We are of equal value in Christ (Galatians 3:28). He made our differences to be a GOOD thing and to be a reflection of Christ and the church. We need godly masculinity and godly femininity – and the two are VERY different! How I pray we will learn to celebrate the wondrous differences between men and women in the church and the family and how God can bring a man and woman together in unity in marriage for His glory!
I long for men to feel safe and supported being masculine as God intends them to be and I long for women to feel safe and supported being feminine as God intends them to be in our families and the church.
Peaceful Single Girl 
Angela
July 31, 2015
I am excited to read this! I have read For Women Only and For Women Only in the Workplace- BOTH great books! I try to be God honoring in what I wear as I know men are visual and those images tend to get stuck in their heads and one man I know described it as a constant movie playing in his head. I long to honor my brothers in Christ and to understand them better!!!
Peacefulwife
July 31, 2015
Angela,
Shaunti’s work is SO vital in helping us as women understand how men really think and who they really are. Imagine if we all began to have compassion, empathy, understanding, and grace for our men the way we want them to have for us! Imagine if we rallied around our brothers in Christ to support them, pray for them, and teach other women how to bless our men, cherish them, and honor them as joint-heirs with Christ and with us.
What a wonderful world this would be! 🙂
I’m glad you are excited. I pray that we might have a wholesome, healing, thoughtful, godly discussion together as sisters and brothers in Christ that leads toward godly unity. 🙂
blessedout
July 31, 2015
I agree. I have sensed that (about men feeling ashamed for being men) for quite some time now. I used to perpetuate that idea: that women were better than men and that men were far more sinful, before I learned about Love and Respect and started reading your blog. What a sad thing for a woman to think about her man, and what a sad response the man has in feeling he’s wrong for being who God created him to be!
I pray that God would use this blog, Shaunti & Craig’s new book, Love and Respect, and your new book (coming soon, right?) to help women better understand and have an appreciation for the men in their lives. We long for them to understand us… it makes no sense to demand that and then refuse to try to understand them. 😛
Peacefulwife
July 31, 2015
blessedout,
I used to think women were better than men – in a subconscious way. I don’t know that I would have said it to myself or out loud. But I often judged the sins that men committed as being much worse than the sins that women committed. So – that is essentially the same thing. 😦
What if men and women had the freedom to discover and be the people God created us to be and to reflect God’s beauty in our masculinity or femininity in ways that draw people to Christ!?!
Thank you for praying with me. I pray God will use these books and resources and that He will raise up many more people to disciple His church around the world in the truth of His Word. I pray He will expose the lies of the world we have embraced, convict us, and show us His narrow path that leads to life, peace, joy, love, harmony, and blessing.
Yes, my book is scheduled to come out January 27, 2016 – God willing! Thank you for praying with me that God might use it to greatly impact this world for His kingdom!
Exactly! We want them to understand our hormones, mood swings, PMS, and our vulnerabilities and temptations (food, body image, insecurity, desire for love, etc…) – let’s offer them the same understanding for which we long. They don’t have personal experiences with our weaknesses and temptations (in many cases) – but we want them to be compassionate and gracious to us. Let’s do the same for our dear brothers in Christ!
I want to see our men standing tall in Christ, and in their masculinity – confident in who they are, free to be who God calls them to be, and free from the control of worldly ideas that want to imprison them, shame them, or paralyze them. I pray for God to bring a massive wave of healing to the men in His church in our families, in our homes, in our churches, and around the world – that THIS generation of men might rise to become a godly, faithful, obedient, mighty generation for Christ. I believe that God may want to do a mighty work in His women first – so that we might pray for our men, support them, love them, honor them, and be on their team as they face the enemy daily. May we never join forces with the accuser to belittle, shame, and berate our men. But may we breathe new life, hope, faith, inspiration, affirmation, and encouragement into our brothers’ lives for the glory and honor of Christ. 🙂
Much love to you!
JC
August 2, 2015
Thanks April. 🙂
JC
August 2, 2015
Women can do a lot to help men become comfortable with their own vulnerabilities (a lot of machismo “nothing can hurt me” pride is men’s worst enemy), as well as help them understand the difference between the way men should/shouldn’t be treated by women, and empower leaders who are actually supportive.
Femininity can have its own sort of “hero-complex” that is very lovely–the desire to nurture every scratch and bruise, and bring out the best, as we can see in your example. 🙂
Lee Ann
July 31, 2015
“We long for them to understand us… it makes no sense to demand that and then refuse to try to understand them. ” Amen, my friend, amen!!! I wholeheartedly agree.
I pray we can learn to celebrate the differences of men.I pray that we learn to encourage them, uplift them, protect them, respect them.
It is so very sad that our brothers might be ashamed of their God-given traits. How deeply that grieves my heart! I have a super sensitive heart and I used to be ashamed of it and try to hide it from others. I feel like people did not get to know the true me. I do NOT want our brothers (or sisters) to feel as if they have to hide their true nature (God-given nature, not sin).
I love the PMS example. We sure want understanding if this is something we struggle with. Our bodies truly cannot help what is happening. There are things we can do to help this, but we cannot control it. Same with pregnancy, or so I am told 🙂 We have to recognize what is going on and battle it. It doesn’t make us weird or gross, just female.We don’t want to be judged for our hormones. So, how on earth can we think less of our brothers for basically the male version of this?? Love this example, April!!!
Let’s build up our brothers (and sisters) and draw/point them to Christ. Let’s celebrate our differences and embrace and celebrate our masculinity (men) and femininity (women).
Peacefulwife
July 31, 2015
Lee Ann, Blessedout, and Angela,
It is really interesting to me that almost no women commented on this post today on Peacefulwife.com. Usually, there are tons more comments there than here. I kind of wish I could copy and paste some of your comments because I want women to read other women responding to this topic in a healthy, godly, productive, positive, calm way. 🙂
So – if you feel led – you are welcome to post your comments there, too. 🙂
Lee Ann,
I don’t want our brothers to feel that they have to hide their masculinity in shame, either – as if it is wrong to exist as a man. That just grieves my heart! I have a husband whom I greatly respect and treasure that I never want to feel that way – but I know that he has. We have talked about it these last few days, and he said, “Absolutely there have been times I felt guilty just for being a guy.” How awful! And I have a precious 13 year old son whom I adore and admire so much. I don’t ever want him to feel unwelcome in the world, or in the church or our culture – as if it is wrong that he is a guy. UGH! This makes me want to cry!
YES! Let’s build up our brothers and sisters and stand in awe at the wonderful design God has for masculinity and femininity and the way it all points to Christ and His church.
Much love!
April
JC
August 2, 2015
God bless you Lee Ann. 🙂
I also love to focus on supporting and esteeming women. I desire to see women who are pleased to step into themselves, appreciating themselves and not see femininity as something they need to escape. I’d like them to see that they need only to “compete” (not other women) with themselves and step into who they are and all that they have to offer. I appreciate all of your sentiments.
Julia
July 31, 2015
This makes me so sad to know that men are feeling ashamed of their God given traits. How sad that we as women have become so prideful that we walk though life needing nothing more than our perspectives, our abilities and our talents-so much so that men are agreeing with us!
Although I have perpetuated these ideas in the past-I’m so glad that God has opened my eyes and continues to reveal how deeply this sin has impacted our society. More than ever do I want to be a woman who knows her place in relationship to men and ultimately God. I want to bless the men around me with respect and appreciation for their talents and abilities-even if I dont always understand them. Whether it’s my boyfriend, my dad, my coworkers, church members, friends or aquaintences. I want to be able show the level of respect and appreciation they deserve.
Peacefulwife
August 1, 2015
Julia,
Me, too! I think that our culture promotes these ideas – and it is easy to just not question them. But how heartbreaking and lonely it must be for some of our brothers today. I don’t want that state of affairs to continue! Not if God is willing to empower us to do something about it.
Thank you for sharing your heart and the way God has changed your thoughts and your heart toward men. May we all bless the men in our lives and be a source of the love and truth of God for men and for women.
Much love!
JC
August 2, 2015
One thing I realize I often forget (and just felt strongly reminded about) is how much many women look up to men. Sometimes I completely forget how men look to women–and not just their own husbands.
I talked to a lady friend of mine lately. After I felt some tension in our interactions, I asked the Lord for understanding and immediately I heard an answer, “She looks up to you. She’s frustrated because you’re coming across as impossible to please.” 😦 I interpreted a few interactions as kind of a purely intellectual pursuit where I missed that some sentiments I didn’t interpret as they were kind of like a “gift.” Kind of like this post.
I told her and she was blown away–hit the nail square on the head. But I found it curious, because I always affirmed trusting her intentions and appreciation. I had to meditate for a while and realize I was making the same mistake–forgetting how men come across to women, and women in general simply aim to please. It’s not even “romance.” It’s just how they are.
I totally forget that so often and I’m realizing this is a mistake I’ve made in other interactions. 😦
April I remembered the way you told me how “men look big and strong” and invulnerable, not needing anything, and I often forget that that’s at the heart of some misunderstandings.
The flipside is that a man’s sentiments (even a silent opinion) can be incredibly potent to a woman. I have to remember that.
Anyway, of course, as usual, your post is addressed to women, but I need forgiveness for forgetting that. Sometimes I get thrown off by thinking that women are only really affected by their husbands and other men don’t have that kind of power either way–but they do, just like women affect men.
As always your post is addressed to women, but thank you SO MUCH, beyond words, for the gift of your sentiment. I am so grateful for your heart for men, women, and the Body of Christ!
You ladies are totally precious (unto yourselves, loved deeply by God) and your beautiful sentiments are a great gift! 🙂
Peacefulwife
August 2, 2015
JC,
Thank you, my brother!
The point of this post is to encourage my sisters to extend the same mercy, grace, understanding, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness to our brothers that we desire for our own vulnerabilities. There is much we have in common. But the message of our culture is that “men should be the same as women in every way” – except physically, and even that seems to be up for debate. I want our brothers to be free to be the men God made them to be without guilt or shame. And I want our sisters to be free to be the women God made us to be without guilt or shame.
Unfortunately, many women look down on men when they read about if a man may be vulnerable visually. It is easy for a woman to judge a man if that is not her particular vulnerability. I want us all to remember we all have weaknesses, sins, blind spots, and brokenness. And that we all need the power of Christ to walk in victory and that we can come together in unity in Christ to bless and encourage each other and build one another up.
Much love in Christ!
April
JC
August 4, 2015
April,
Yes, and you’re a very brave soul about the whole thing, for sure. 😉
Yes! Your message is very, very wonderful: let’s disapprove of sin and be a totally positive influence in others’ lives, supporting everyone who has even the slightest desire to struggle against sin–knowing that we would want them to do the same for us. I need to keep this firmly in mind myself, showing grace toward myself and refusing condemnation, and also being determined to do the same for others–I tend to trip over the first step and then become ineffective at the latter. 😦
In your discussion you mention sins that women tend to have, such as self-righteousness, certain pride issues, etc., in something of a context that suggests female tendencies. Likewise I don’t think of some of those things as part of who women are, as it were (not addressing PMS). Of course, a lot of what you talk about has to do with women escaping trends of the modern culture that they/we inherited, but (as for me) I still don’t consider certain sins to be innately wired in women, if that makes sense. I would want to say to women, “this is not who you are” (the sins that appear to be trends with women in the modern West). Even despite how common the cultural flaw is for women to fear about their physical beauty, even historically, I’d say the same thing about that. I have the same reaction to observations of men–likewise, certainly not denying trends. Of course you’ve discussed this a lot with the legacies of feminism.
Your sentiment is gracious in any case–and bold! Your message in essence is also wonderful that people in general are coming from different places too, because we don’t always understand where they are coming from. Many, many men are in a place where they think it’s normal to be looked down upon and condemned.