This topic continues to come up. It seems to me that it is one of the most frustrating issues that many of my single brothers and sisters are dealing with – figuring out how to attract a potential romantic partner who is a believer in Christ, and how to avoid being “unattractive” to godly members of the opposite sex.
I am not an expert on this issue – unfortunately for you. However – I do believe I have wisdom to share – and I am absolutely certain that there will be much discussion in the comments that may help fill in any gaps I may have in this post.
These are generalities. They may not all apply to all men. I am talking here about GODLY men – men who truly desire to live for and honor Christ as LORD of their lives.
My suggestions to prayerfully consider according to Scripture’s command for us to only marry men who “belong to the Lord”:
- Please do not date anyone but godly men.
- Please do not date a man who is violent, who cannot control his temper, who is abusive, who has no problem with keeping sin in his life, who doesn’t seek God first, who doesn’t live with Christ as LORD.
- Please do not date an unbeliever or a man who says he is a Christian but is not interested in the things of God.
- Please do not date a man who says he might become a Christian in the future.
Be sure that YOU are focusing on becoming the woman God desires you to be!
Some of these things about being attractive to godly men are things that women can work on and change in themselves or things that God can change in us. Some of these things are not things we can change as easily. More than trying to please men – my prayer is that we will seek to please and honor Christ with our faith in Him, our abiding in Him, our obedience to Him, our being full of His Spirit and in the way we celebrate the gift of femininity He has given to us so generously.
This is my understanding – it is all open to discussion (these lists are not in any particular order of importance):
THINGS THAT TEND TO REPEL GODLY MEN:
- an unfeminine appearance or more masculine appearance
- an argumentative, contentious spirit
- a woman who says she is close to Christ, but whose life does not match her claim – who doesn’t have the fruit of God’s Spirit in her life
- an uncontrollable tongue
- an uncontrollable temper
- a lack of interest
- too much interest/smothering
- masculine-looking clothing on a woman
- not much care or thought being given to the physical appearance
- a very loud or overbearing personality
- a take-charge/domineering/bossy personality
- a spirit that tries to control or change a man or dictate to him what he “should” do
- a total lack of ability to think for oneself and a lack of one’s own opinions, beliefs, convictions and ideas
- immodest dress
- immodest behavior
- PRIDE or arrogance
- selfishness
- an independent spirit that pushes the idea, “I don’t need a man!”
- a spirit that embraces some of the ungodly ideals of feminism
- a desire to pressure, nag, push and force him into deeper commitment
- lack of manners or rudeness
- disrespect
- a sense that he is her “project”
- a trust in SELF instead of in God
- idolatry of self, being in control, having a man, marriage, children, a guy, looks, weight, food, money or anything else!
- coldness
- manipulation
- demands
- wide emotional swings (emotional lability)
- mind-games
- deception
- materialism
- a sense of entitlement
- a tendency to FREAK OUT over lots of things
- greed
- selfishness
- self-righteousness – looking down on others
- a critical/judgmental spirit
- gossip
- disloyalty
- overuse of makeup/jewelry
- extreme hairstyles
- a promiscuous lifestyle and attitude
THINGS THAT TEND TO ATTRACT GODLY MEN:
- a lot of smiling
- classy, feminine clothing (skirts, dresses, flowing fabrics, etc)
- meekness (“bridled strength” or strength under control)
- self-control
- friendliness
- long hair (for most men)
- willingness to signal her interest in him clearly
- honesty and truthfulness in a spirit of love
- a cooperative spirit
- admiration/respect
- modest clothing
- modest behavior
- youthfulness/a feminine figure/physical beauty
- chastity
- virginity
- a willingness to be part of a team with a man
- the ability to be “dependent” on a man in a feminine, godly, healthy way
- humility
- understanding that he has feelings and emotions and sensitivity to seek only to bless and not to wound him
- a peaceful spirit from God
- kindness
- a willingness to follow his leadership (particularly the closer a relationship gets to marriage) – this does not mean you must submit to a guy you are interested in or are dating. But, if a godly man is interested in you, part of what will attract him is your willingness to consider his ideas as being important, and your ability to express yourself respectfully and your willingness to seek to honor his leadership. (if a man is demanding that you submit to him or “obey” him or is trying to coerce you into sin – that is not good! Seek godly counsel ASAP!)
- gentleness – in speech and in demeanor and in words and attitude
- patience – in all things, including in waiting for him to commit or to propose
- a friendly and curious desire to understand his heart, his perspective and his world
- an interest in what is important to him
- a willingness to encourage him to dream and pursue what God desires him to do
- acceptance of him for who he is
- loyalty – protecting him, not bashing him/criticizing him/disrespecting him to others (if you are in danger, then you do need to seek help, please!)
- a strong belief and conviction that divorce will not be an option once she is married
- a nurturing spirit
- tasteful makeup (some men even prefer very little make up or none)
- a purposeful rejection of worldly wisdom and the world’s ungodly ideas
- compassion
- the love of God in her heart
- a deep desire to know God more, to find contentment in Him alone and to seek to joyfully live in total obedience to Him
Peaceful Single Girl 
Jim
May 20, 2014
April, you’ve pretty much included everything in your two lists.
Here are some things which attract me (in no particular order):
* Modest dress (e.g. hemline to the knees, not higher; no cleavage showing)
* Feminine styling and detail (e.g. lace, ribbons)
* A forgiving attitude if I say or do something dumb (but exhibit regret about it after)
* A bit of shyness (as opposed to boldness)
* Appreciating the gentlemanly things I do for her (e.g. opening the door for her, giving her my seat)
* Most importantly, she has to love Jesus with all of her heart
* Gentleness and kindness, not meanness.
* No profanity! No crude humor!
* She must carry herself with dignity.
* She doesn’t have to be a beauty queen. But she needs to try to look pretty. If she tries, I will notice.
* Inner beauty. This is much more important than outer beauty. Inner beauty will go the distance, but outer beauty alone will run out real quick.
peacefulwife
May 20, 2014
Thanks, Jim! Love this.
esther kim
June 9, 2014
Hi,
I’m in need of advice for a dilemma I am facing. I like a guy at church. We’ve spent time nearly weekly in a group setting(twice on our own) since I got plugged in a year ago. He is 28 and I am 31. We both got serious about our studies late and we are both about to be juniors in undergrad. He works full time from 5am-2pm, attends school after, and weekends are dedicated to praise team practice and church. He has shown clear interest the first 6 months but thereafter it’s been less consistent and I am uncertain of his feelings. Recently, he’s been showing interest in the newest girl at our church. A chat here and there and I know I am #1 in his heart but it doesn’t make me feel good that there’s a possible #2 😦 The only thing that remains the same is that I know I am the only girl he hugs from church. We hug hello and goodbyes at school, but nearly never at church. I know it’s a bit odd, but no one at our church dates nor is there hugging between guys and girls. This odd dynamic has bled into our dynamic and we act somewhat distant at church which confuses things further. I know he would prefer determining our relationship closer to his graduation but I am 31, really loyal to the person I like(which keeps me from having any interest in dating anyone else) and would like to know if our friendship is headed anywhere or will remain as is. Also he’s been single for the last 5 years and I’m certain he doesn’t take dating lightly nor do I. Is it the best course of action for me to broach the subject and determine the relationship or shall I continue to wait for him to take the initiative?
peacefulwife
June 9, 2014
Esther Kim,
It is a pleasure to meet you. 🙂
What have you done to show him your interest in him and how has he responded?
What has he said about your relationship?
Has he talked about his limited time and how he wishes he had more time for a relationship with you?
What do you know about his walk with Christ?
How is your walk with Christ?
Much love
April
Jim
June 9, 2014
Esther Kim:
Perhaps I can be of assistance.
If he has made ANY move in your direction, then you can take the initiative and make a move in his direction in such a way that it is a response to the move he made. For example, you can do it in the form of a “thank you”. You can show your appreciation for something he has done for you by doing something for him. The idea here is not to “pay him back” for what he did for you, but rather to get some movement going in the relationship. And by presenting it as thanking him for what he did for you, you will not make him feel uncomfortable by your appearing to be too forward.
Since you are friends with him, you could invite him to a “friendship” type of event — perhaps some activity that your church is having, or perhaps a music recital that one of your nieces or nephews is having, or perhaps something that your family is doing. Officially, it is friendship, which keeps you from appearing to be too forward; but unofficially, you are getting some movement going in the relationship.
Perhaps you could invite him to dinner. Offer to cook him a meal, so as to let him know how much you appreciate his friendship. This will accomplish two things: you will definitely get some movement going in the relationship, in an acceptable and appropriate way; and if you cook him a good meal, you will be letting him know that you can cook, something he will definitely take note of.
If a potential girlfriend offered to cook me a meal to show her appreciation for my friendship, I would be really excited about it.
Jim
peacefulwife
June 11, 2014
Thanks for the masculine perspective, Jim. 🙂
iccreflexiones
August 5, 2014
I totally agree with both inputs from Peacefulwife and Jim’s. Invite him to do something casual so you can get to know him better. (I wouldn’t cook dinner or ask him out for dinner yet, but that’s just me). I think this is an acquaintance at this point, but you would like to move things forward to a closer friendship and possibly a dating relationship. Keep things very casual, but flirt a little, be light and fun… something could spark from this. I would not attempt to have him define a relationship at this point. I think you need to establish a closer connection with him for a while as a friend, see him for a while, see where things go. And I would not close myself to other possibilities, because the attraction could be one-sided and you don’t want to be stuck hoping and wishing for this one guy. Meet other men, have many friends, get to know a lot of men before you decide what you would have and not have in a husband. You are not required to be loyal to a man who is not your boyfriend. He is also looking around…
Jim
August 6, 2014
I agree with iccreflexiones. Keep it on a friendship basis. Talk to him, and get him talking to you. But it is important to be friends for sufficient time to let things develop, before you commit to him. There is a LOT you need to know about him, and him about you, before you commit to each other, and you learn that only from being friends.
Servant Ministry
August 28, 2014
Okay I have a situation…. I am my pastor armour bearer. And just recently she travelled to a different state to go preach. One the last day of her preaching I met a friend of hers who came an hour away to hear her preach. Okay after the service she was changing her clothes and and her friends came in the back to greet her, i was introduced to him and we all decided to go grab some late dinner on the way to the car he made a comment out loud addressed to my pastor “Overseer you have the best looking assistant” we went dinner it was great we ended up having an INTENSE eye stare for a good 10 secs before I looked away. After dinner we hugged and he said Bye Boo. I return back to my state and got talked into requesting him on Facebook so I did! He immediately accepted and begin to like all my pictures and comments but still hadn’t heard from him. Last weekend I had to speak at my church and posted a status about it. He immediately inboxed me and said “Whats good” “Are you preaching tomorrow” i explained to him I was just theme speaking he said he would pray for me. He sent me another message but I didn’t respond to it, the next day after i ministered I did respond to his message and we begin to chat briefly he dropped little pet names like “yes Love” here there and he told me he called my name out in prayer. And we begin to talk about us both being an Armour bearer etc. And he told me I was doing a great work and to keep it up.
P.ssssss He still continues to like everything I post on Facebook including pictures!
Now it is Thursday I haven’t heard from him and i thought maybe I was reading too much into the situation and maybe he’s not that interested. But a friend of mine who i let read the messages said he is… So i can definitely use a non bias 2nd opinion!
Peacefulwife
August 28, 2014
Servant Ministry,
He sounds very interested to me! I am glad he is not pushing or rushing things. 🙂 please be sure to watch his character and to be sure his faith is sincere. But it sounds to me like things are going very well. 🙂
Jim
August 28, 2014
Hi, Servant Ministry!
Perhaps I can give a man’s perspective on this.
Does he ever talk about spiritual things, or does he just flatter you with sweet talk?
What about his life? Does he appear to be living a Christian life? Does he have the fruit of the Spirit in his life? Does he care about the things that someone should care about if he were a mature Christian?
Or is it all about romance and sweeping you off your feet with sweet talk?
Anyone can “like” everything about you on Facebook. That is no guarantee of anything. In fact, if he goes overboard with that sort of thing, it might be a red flag.
Look at his Facebook page. Do you see crude humor? Does he appear to be someone who is truly sold out to Jesus, or is he all about image?
The guy sounds to me like a master at romance. Unfortunately, a master at romance can cause you to turn your brain off and ignore the red flags, because you are very much enjoying being swept off your feet.
Personally, I don’t have a good feeling about this guy.
Be careful that you don’t get swept off your feet by a flatterer who doesn’t have obedience to Christ on his agenda.
Jim
Servant Ministry
August 29, 2014
Hey Jim and Peacefulwife,
Thanks for the advice, I would have to disagree with Jim. This guy hasn’t said anything in a “Romantic” sense at all to me. Matter fact the only thing we talk about is ministry. On his Facebook page its just full of encouraging words, scripture and food pictures from when he goes out to eat LOL.
He has said somethings in reference to me having to speak on Sunday like “you know the word so be confident” to make me feel good about having to minister.
But the last time we talked was in reference to books on prophetic ministry and I was looking for some good authors. So I don’t see any red flags.
But at the same time dating/courtship a christian man is new to me. I am not use to being pursued in a christian stand point. And this is totally different than a highschool sweetheart.
Peacefulwife
August 29, 2014
Praying for God’s wisdom for you, Servant Ministry! And for His clear direction.
You may want to check out some of the posts at the top of my home page about respect. 🙂
Prayingformyfuturehusband
August 29, 2014
I’m sorry, but I have to completely agree with Jim. Proceed with vigelance and caution.
OneWithYou
October 1, 2014
I have to say, I too agree completely with Jim. I am sorry to tell you this, but I have been there. In the exact same situation. I enjoyed being romanced so much that I was blind to all the red flags. We knew each other when we were younger and he was a complete jerk to me earlier. So, when he started to show interest in me(in very similar ways to the ones you describe), I was flattered and a bit proud about the fact that my conduct has interested this guy. I fell completely, didn’t hold any part of my heart back. But he wasn’t that serious, he just wanted to see if he could get a girl like me to love him and when I did, he was carried along for some time by the in tenseness of my feelings, but then later it fizzled out since it wasn’t based on a godly attraction on both sides. I was completely broken and I think he was too, in some ways. Now when I think of it, I am filled with shame and am disgusted with myself for not being smarter. The worst part of it was that I fooled myself into thinking this is from our Father just because he was a Christian and most of the stuff we talked about was godly.
Now recently, I met the guy of my dreams (loves God and wants to obey Him above all else, respects women, is confident and kind to everyone and a good leader) and I cannot help but contrast the ways he treats me with what I experienced earlier. He is kind and smiles a lot, compliments me in ways that makes me feel good about myself, but at the same time does not make me proud. His eyes don’t linger over me, but smiles long enough for me to know that he likes me. Gives me space, doesn’t rush things, strives to honor God through the smallest things he does, he actually has me thinking that he deserves the best girl in the world, not me. He doesn’t necessarily speak only about God, but I can feel the peace of God in his words and thoughts. I can understand that he weighs every word, every gesture so as not to excite my desires but my heart – he is incredibly handsome and let me tell you, just a look from him could make me go crazy if he ever tried that. His conduct with other women of all ages makes me proud to be his friend.
I know how difficult it is for us girls not to get swept away by our feelings, but know that I am praying for you and by the grace and wisdom of our Father, you will overcome and come out better if this man you speak about is not being true to you.
Nina
September 21, 2014
Hey there, I’m just wondering if you think that we can know that God promises us a partner? Like if we love God with our whole heart and God knows we desire a partner, is that something that we can expect sooner or later?
There has been a guy previously who was full on for God as was I when he started showing interest in me…then I lost my vision (spiritual vision) and whenever I moved closer to God he seemed to move closer to me, though at one time when we were talking I’m not totally sure what it was…but maybe it was a suggestion of something where I was being honest with him about something in my walk with God…which I guess he could have read as me who had still not totally surrendered it to God, because I was still letting whether he would be impressed by something hinder my focus on God. Maybe I was just getting a bit complacent at the time, so could have overcome that really…but really, is it that difficult. Basically that was the last we talked for quite some time. I really do love God and have since surrendered it to God and have had the best times of my life with Him as the love of my life. I don’t want to live a mediocre life and want to fly with Him…but it seemed as if I had work on learning to surrender at that time and this guy wanted to fly more spiritually than I seemed to be able to keep up with…because I was distracted by him (thinking wow, could God really have this person for me…I really admired him spiritually, similar in so many ways and our visions for where God wants to go with us did also seem to cross over). With lack of contact over time I asked God multiple times when I really wasn’t sure to show me if it wasn’t meant to be, then each time there seemed to be some contact that was then made…except for the last time when I clearly knew then that he knew that I wasn’t the one for him. God seemed to provide some reassurance to me that I hadn’t missed ‘it’, to be expectant that He does have someone for me at some time and to keep my eyes ahead for what is to come. Though recently something made me wonder whether I did actually miss God’s best for me by my showing too much interest…which was more indirect…by me having loss of vision with God…which he knew about. Either way I can adapt…but I would just like to know whether I have indeed missed God’s best for me or not.
I also did wonder about the verse Luke 21:32 where it says
“Woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days; for there will be great distress upon the land and wrath to this people;”. Could that mean that God may not connect us with a partner if the tribulation is something we are stepping into possibly? Like the end times are something really great to be living in…I don’t really get the whole persecution thing…I don’t think it’s something to be afraid of, but I was thinking…with kids, that might be a bit difficult…might have the potential to make on shrink back from persecution (being killed) if you would be leaving behind your children.
Thanks :)!
Peacefulwife
September 21, 2014
Nina,
It is great to hear from you! These are wonderful questions. 🙂
I don’t believe scripture tells us that God definitely promises us a spouse. There are many, many promises to believers in the Bible. But I do not see where we are guaranteed a spouse.
God does promise “delight yourself in The Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. But our delight is to be entirely in God. Will He give us a spouse? Possibly. But. I believe that as we delight in Him alone, He will conform our desires to His. As we desire His will, He will accomplish His will.
God is sovereign. His purposes and His will WILL stand in your life. And He is able to use all things for your ultimate good and His glory in your life because you love Him and are called according to His purposes. Romans 8:28-29.
I don’t know if this guy is to be yours. My exhortation and encouragement to you would be to keep seeking God with all your heart, and to lay your desires and dreams before Him, and to seek to be sensitive to Him each day and to trust Him to lead you according to His will. Live a day at a time. Don’t try to zoom way ahead and figure everything out. Live for Him. Pursue Christ. Abide in Him. Stay in His Word and prayer. Be observant to anything He wants to show you.
During the tribulation period, people will suffer greatly. It will be a horrific time to live with much suffering. None of us know when that time will be, I think you can see the way Christians are being persecuted and killed in other parts of the world right now. I believe that will increase as the tribulation comes.
Does that mean you shouldn’t marry and have children? You don’t have access to know the dates and times of the tribulation. As you seek God and long to please Him and walk in submission to Him, He will lead you and help you make each decision with His wisdom that is infinitely higher than your own.
We don’t get to know the future in advance. We must walk each day by faith.
Much love to you!
Nina
November 7, 2014
Hey there, thanks for your reply :)! I just wrote a reply, but then I had to log in and the password I used previously didn’t want to work, then it timed out and my post was lost. So here it is again, in a somewhat briefer version.
It was pretty much clear to me after a little while of having posted my previous post – I spoke to a friend about it; then another friend (who I didn’t tell anything bout it) gave me a prophetic word from God about it…she just sensed God say to me ‘ask and it will be given’ – from Luke 9:11; then I spent time with God reflecting on exactly how I know I didn’t actually miss anything.
It has been so cool and freeing to just know for sure that God has someone for me…and that I can rest in the security of knowing that and that I need to be expectant cos it’s coming, in whatever timing it is, yet I know it’s coming at sometime. He prompted me to write a list of everything I would like in a husband – 16 points I listed – so I’m waiting and expecting God’s best for me and having fun doing that…and just having fun with Him.
Also, interestingly, it was a guy friend that I happened to talk to about it that I mentioned above…anyway, we get on really well, spur one another along in God and have become quite close friends…at one point I did read into some of his words/actions a bit at one point (thinking he liked me and was drawing me to himself faster than I knew in my head I would like – yet I found out later that is just the way he interacts with his sister and other girls too – yet he has never been in a relationship/dated anyone, doesn’t read into stuff himself basically)…and he corrected me on the idea that I had. Guys I have known previously (non -Christians or immature Christians) have read into things more…and ideas that float around on how you interact with the opposite gender all vary a bit – yet this guy was showing a different way – basically don’t conclude anything until they ask you straight out pretty much. Although as a general trend I may keep more of a distance thinking that is normal, he considers it normal being close to girls as friends…We have acknowledged our differences, yet I have also shifted in my view of not reading into anything until I get to know the person and their intentions more, which has been really cool. There are some really cool men of God out there. Seriously, I feel like he is such a sweet brother…just thought I should add that, though it doesn’t exactly fit the category of this webpage…it’s something I found really great to learn, that others may benefit from too.
eien897
October 2, 2014
@Servant Ministry: I also agree with Jim and OneWithYou. An honourable man will not excite those feelings or desires in you too early on in a potential friendship/relationship. He will look to protect your heart and honour your purity through his words and actions as he knows that you are God’s beloved child and everything he does is accountable to God. This also applies to how a honourable woman will treat a man she is interested in. This reminds me of what is being said in Song of Solomon 2:7 bible verse. Its always the hardest when you are the one in that situation (I have been in a similar situation as well) but continue to pray about it and ask God to show you the truth and trust that He will. There are only two answers for this situation – Yes or No. Be prepared to accept either outcome.
pray4lovelaugh
October 7, 2014
THE reason I never wear my hair long, even though I do want to, I’d rather spend an extra hour spending time with people than the two hours it used to take me to style my hair. And that used to be with help…
http://www.buzzfeed.com/javiermoreno/secrets-people-with-thick-hair-wont-tell-you#693ot0
Peacefulwife
October 9, 2014
pray4lovelaugh
That is totally your call. 🙂 Much love to you!
nothando
February 3, 2015
amen to this sista…
Gingerlily
October 13, 2014
there is a shy and quiet christian guy I like at my church I think we are both are very interested in one another, he has made many attempts to approach me through hugh crowds at church but we both get lost in the shuffle along the way as if there is a barrier holding us back from getting to know one another. I know I must wait on god and pray on this. But recently I have began to wonder that if he is so interested in trying to reach out to me and get to know me why does he never sit near me in church? This makes me suspicious he is dating someone else in the church and does not want to get caught being seen sitting with me by the other girl he is dating or other women he might be interested in but at the same time is trying to talk to me on the fly or as I am walking by as I go. I have prayed on this and god has given me peace about it. But the mystery of this guy and his way of trying to pursue me on the fly makes me uneasy and uncertain about even myself approaching him to say hello and smile without knowing what will happen and be crushed to know this is all just a game of cat and mouse for fun during and after sunday sermon.
Peacefulwife
October 13, 2014
Gingerlily,
Maybe he is just shy?
It is ok if you smile and say hello. That is not wrong. 🙂 I would suggest being friendly and talking with him!
Much love to you!
Gingerlily
October 13, 2014
Great! I will take your advise and be friendly and smile . I also notice how extremely nervous he is around me and maybe you are right.just need someone to break the ice to make him feel more relaxed. Thank you so much!
Peacefulwife
October 14, 2014
Gingerlily,
You are most welcome!
Much love!
sarahj42
October 16, 2014
thank you for this sharing 🙂
Gingerlily
October 16, 2014
you are welcome I would like to see if anyone has more to share on this subject. I know there are other Christian women out there who are experiencing similar situations and how they go about handling this in a godly way a woman should? thank you all for your comments . god bless!
Peacefulwife
October 20, 2014
Gingerlily,
I have had many women here express that they are in very similar situations to yours. I have walked beside dozens of women in this type of dilemma if I am remembering right.
Of course, things don’t always turn out the way we would think we would want in a given situation. But, the women who have been friendly and smiled and been willing to talk with a guy like this have been much more likely to have the opportunity to develop a relationship.
I have seen many women who wait for a guy to come to them and who don’t show any visible interest and a man assumes they are not interested. It is a GOOD thing to smile and be friendly and to show him you are a safe and welcoming place for him to come to. 🙂
nothando
February 3, 2015
Im exactly there…shy guy ,nervous around me, seems dedicated to church things. been trying so hard to create a moment for us to talk bc we always lose each other in the crowd. but now i have decided to stop trying anything, if a man really wants to talk to you…he really really wants to, he will find a way. to me if he doesn’t, then he is not serious. thank God for that, he is not for me…i like him tho.
Peacefulwife
February 3, 2015
Nothando,
I do hope you will be friendly and smile and talk to him some. Praying for wisdom for you. 🙂
Gingerlily
October 20, 2014
Thank you so much for your advise. I will be smiling and approachable and we will see what happens!
Peacefulwife
October 21, 2014
Gingerlily,
Please let me know how it goes! 🙂
tocara88
November 15, 2014
I have a situation… I have never really dated a true “Christian” man before. I just moved and now am living in NM. I go to church here and one of the Rev. is around my age, young gentlemen. We make eye contact every now and then. We are both military and are the same rank. I would like to get to know him more and I feel he feel the same way however, I truly believe it will be awkward for him to ask me out being that he is an Associate Pastor. However, I honestly don’t want anything other than to get to know him and maybe consider dating. I have talked to God about it some and how I really feel. Do you recommend me asking him out to lunch after church or going to something outside of church so we can get to know each other? We do talk in church and he converse with my children and they like interacting with him as well (which is good because they never liked the other men I tried to date). He seems pretty cool and decent. I love listening to him preach the Word because it speaks volume and there is nothing better than a young man that knows the Word of God. Please give me some advise… Thanks.
Peacefulwife
November 15, 2014
tocara88,
I don’t think you have to ask him out – but I think it would be great to say that you would love to get to know him better. And then, maybe let him decide what that might look like and if he wants to pursue the idea.
I hope you will share with him how much you love listening to him preach.
But more than my advice, seek God’s wisdom and His Spirit and be sensitive to what He prompts you to do. Praying for His wisdom for you!
pray4lovelaugh
November 17, 2014
April, I’ve recently become good friends with a guy at church, who has a lot of health difficulties. I kinda find myself practically needing to state the obvious to him because he seems to not just complain a lot, but his family and his doctor isn’t really helping him in the way he needs. I’ve witnessed a seizure from him, but his doctor says “it’s a pseudo-seizure”. He is in the process of seeing a neurologist, and is Christian guy, but I’m trying to keep things as just friends because I tend to kinda become very anxious when he has a seizure, as in, I’d clearly be of absolutely no help if we were alone in a serious medical situation. Our church has been attempting to help him, but I don’t truly know how to deal with all this. I effectively told him yesterday that I have to remove myself from being around him.
However, I don’t want to be hurtful towards his situation. And I don’t want to not be able to help. It’s just a lot to deal with from him. It’s to a point where I’m requesting the church find anyone else to help him get to and from doctor’s appts.
Moneiba
January 13, 2015
For most men I know, having some appreciation of sports doesn’t hurt, either!
sarahkhatib
April 28, 2015
This blog is so wonderful! found it yesterday and read some of your articles, they are really good! So glad I found this. But then im getting pretty depressed thinking i will never find a godly husband, cause half of the things that a godly man doesnt like is exactly how i am even though i am a jesus wash blood saved woman who has been redeemed by the Lord. Im glad that this post really opens my eyes for what my problem, I can see what i did wrong with my recently ex-boyfriend and other guys i dated for that matter. I can see that i am a really controlling, dominanting, over the top emotional and i know it all kind of woman and like 50 % of all the other bad things on that list and with that said it also makes me think oh No im never getting married to my godly man. I have prayed a lot to the lord for him to change me and make me the godly woman he has created me too be, i am only 23, but I feel like ive been damaged a lot already in my life and that is why i have become like this. I have prayed that God will heal and restore me so that i some day will become a godly woman, wife and Mother just as he wishes it too be. But seeing myself and analyzing myself from were i am in my life now and after reading this post im thinking heeelp this aint good, there are too many things that are wrong with me to attract the right godly Man someday.
Peacefulwife
April 28, 2015
sarahkhatib,
God changed me. I was controlling, dominating, very emotional, etc… you can see my story on my blog for wives http://www.peacefulwife.com at the top under “About.”
He opened my eyes to my sin when I was 36. How I praise Him that He is showing you these things much, much earlier! Seek Him with all your heart, my precious sister! Yield control completely to Him and allow Him to totally transform your heart, mind, and soul. He is perfectly able to do this for you. I have seen Him do it hundreds and hundreds of times. 🙂
Unfortunately, most women, even in the church, have been so poisoned by lies from the culture and from our own sinful nature – we are very far from God as a church today. But He is able to heal us and to restore us and to make us the women (and men) He longs for us to be! It has to be ALL Him. There is no good in any of us. Only Christ is good.
There are many posts here that I believe will be helpful to you on this amazing journey. It is so great to meet you! I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you!
If you are getting stuck, please let me know, I will be glad to point you to Christ and to His Word and Truth. 🙂
sarahkhatib
April 28, 2015
you are so very nice, thank you. and yes i will read it. but yes i know the lord can do all things and transform even the most difficult people minds, hearts and souls. thank you for your advise , you are truly right that i have to seek him and just submit and let him take over. its difficult, also because im a fairly new believer who was saved only six months ago, so i only seeing what im doing wrong all the time and my sin. but its so good to meet you too :), its nice to hear from some older sisters in christ and godly women, cause i only have my mother who is an older christian women, my christian girlfriends are my age, so they havent had as much experience as older women with christ and their journey with him in life and i really need that, so thank you. i have already ret many of these, i think they are so good and god is really opening my eyes. And bless you, i will let you know / write to you when i need it 🙂
Peacefulwife
April 29, 2015
Sarahkhatib,
I’m so excited that you are a believer now! There is much to learn for all of us. You may like to listen to some of David Platt’s sermons online or listen to Wayne Grudem’s podcasts from Systematic Theology. I recommend starting with the Attributes of God. 🙂
How is your Bible reading and prayer time going, my sweet sister?
Much love to you!
Patty
April 28, 2015
I developed feelings for a Christian widower around and decided to extend a hand of friendship.we got on very well and grew fond of each other.After going on the first date,he told me he got involved with someone few months ago. He still wants us to spend time together, but I’m developing stronger feelings for him….how can I handle this situation?
Peacefulwife
April 28, 2015
Patty,
I don’t know God’s will for you, please see yesterday’s post about that. But, if he is seeing someone else, it seems unwise to move forward with him and to cultivate romantic feelings for him – seems like a path to certain heartbreak. If he is truly interested in you, then I am sure he will figure out how to break things off with the other woman.
How is your walk with Christ going, my sweet friend?
Much love!
April
Marie gnagne
May 6, 2015
Hello my name is marie and I have a bold personality and I am outgoing I love people and have a really bright spirit. But so some reason I never attract real Christian men I am. 22 years old and I feel like it because my outgoing personality makes me seem like I don’t have a quiet spirit. How do I still be unique in my personality but have a quiet spirit. To attract a godly man and pleasing to the Lord.
pray4lovelaugh
June 15, 2015
being quiet, I think, might be simply not being arguementative/hostile, I mean, a flamboyant personality doesn’t always need to be not flambouyant to be quiet… My pastor’s wife is kinda like that, she’s kind of a super out-going girl, but she doesn’t get in the way too much.
Peacefulwife
June 15, 2015
Thank you for this, pray4lovelaugh!
Peacefulwife
June 15, 2015
Marie,
Oh goodness, I didn’t realize I hadn’t responded? My apologies!
Having a gentle, peaceful, still spirit isn’t about personality. It is about having God’s peace and trusting in His sovereignty without freaking out or being worried, anxious, afraid or controlling.
I hope that helps!
Christine
May 7, 2015
Hello there!
I just want to share this. I’ve been totally having hard times thinking about this guy.
I met him at a youth camp and it was my first time to be a part of this gathering. By then, I met this guy. The Scenario was we were in a group then the time I saw him I can’t stop looking at him. Then our leader said that we should choose a person that we would like to know. I was so amazed by him when he introduced himself the was the perfect guy for me. He is smart, handsome and most especially God fearing. After that, I was really shocked because he called me.. Then I introduced myself to everybody
By evening, our pastor has preached. While on that moment, my cousin poked me and said that there is this guy that keep on staring at me. then, I saw him.. I dont know the meaning of this.
Do he like me? But after that camp he didnt get my number. I add him on facebook and we’ve chatted twice. it’s been a month now and I dont have contact on him. Still, I like him..
christopher excellence
May 13, 2015
i like this
Pertunia
June 13, 2015
Hi Peaceful wife,
Its an honor to write to you,I would welcome your advice very much.
(I usually attend prayer sessions on Fridays). So the story starts here..when i first saw this guy at church for prayer i really liked him …the second time i was not planning to go for prayer and when i saw him whilst accompanying my friend to catch a taxi i saw him then i ended up going to church lol!.
The very same day after prayer when me and this guy got into the lift (the were other people in the lift)it happened that we looked at each other and he gave me a very big smile so i smiled back.( I was very happy).
Then i went home to go pray about him. In my prayer I asked God to show me signs that if the guy is the one for me then next time we meet we must wear the same colours and i must sit next to him,indeed that happened!
When we saw each other it happened that we both didn’t know that prayer was starting late on that day so there was some performing things that were going on.on that day,I did not want to make it so obvious that i am into him so i left one chair opened and set on the next…he started chatting me up asking questions about what was going on that day…i ended up moving right next to him.
I must say i had a lovely time . At that session they were talking about finding your identity in Christ and what ur musk is. So i directly asked the guy that question-he told me he has been single for a year and it does not bother him bu about if whether that is OK. me and that guy got to talk a bit about our careers,taste in music and the star signs we fall into ,then it happened that we share the same star sign which is virgo. we really clicked and i really loved his humour. the same day after the performing session we went into a half night prayer… when prayer was finished he came to tell me that he was living den i told that him that we must walk out together..! it was 12 midnight and the guy dd not even offer me a lift to my place,for some reason i felt disappointed and misleaded hence felt that was a jerk of him to do that.
WEEKS went buy or was i a month? without seeing him at prayer sessions then i ended up inviting him on facebook
I greeted him to also ensure i had the right person(he doesnt have a profile pic on facebook) then conversed with him and I asked where he has been then he told me he has been going to another church within his area as the one i attend (which is also his main church) is a bit far.( i was a bit disappointed about that response as many questions where running on my mind if this guy is stingy or ran away because of me because i mean where he stays is 7min drive to our church without traffic but then again i told myself that i must not judge him).
whilst trying to chat him up I got the feeling that he wasnt excited as i was so i just left him in peace and deleted the FB messages and also unfriend him.
A month later again i text him on FB telling him i thought we could be friends(i was really missing him) then his reponse was:” lol,im not really a social media person. so how are you”? i just responded by “i am good”. that was it. he also did not proceed with the conversation.
I tried to got over the guy and i eventually felt that i did!
Just when i least expected him then i saw him on a sunday at church then we bumped into each other…greeted and gave each other hugs then walked pass by… he seemed a bit uncomfortable,a little a little awkward as i could sense a bit of some coldness or nervousness.
on that day when i got home i just thought about what happened but it didnt really bother me that much,i had finished with my heart that the guy is not into me like i thought he was.
A week after that when i was about to cross the street to go into my flat, i saw a guy who looked at me and had already drove pass only to notice it was him. I did not expect him to make an effort to find a parking and come greet me but well it happned. we had a lovely little chat then he left.
SO MY POINT HERE- i kept asking myself that if this guy is not into me then why did he make that effort?i mean it is not like we are really close to each other for him to feel guilty to come greet me. right now i cannot stop thinking about him and i feel that i have opened the channel to show him that i am interested by inboxing him on facebook so the ball is in his court but he is not doing that and on the other hand i dont want to tell him how i feel as i dont want to appear desperate or a woman who is silly and not God fearing. but the last thing i would want is to feel misleaded by a man because that is how he makes me so far!
Peacefulwife
June 14, 2015
Pertunia,
It’s great to meet you!
I don’t have the answers for you about what you should do exactly. That is something to prayerfully consider yourself. How is your walk with Christ going? What are your greatest desires? Are you willing to be patient and wait on God’s timing instead of pushing and rushing ahead?
Much love to you! Praying for God’s wisdom. 🙂
Pertunia
June 13, 2015
Please excuse the typos. By the way in July i’ll be single for two years .I am really not in no rush to jump into a relationship with him but if only i can really get to know him and spend time with him as a friend it will do justice to me but i feel that he is just being slow which is quiet ichy for me. Again, i figured out that am older than this guy with three years but i am willing to compromise that because he doesn’t look younger than me and i have sensed maturity in him though ,,anyways Please just pour me with your advice because i am really attracted to this guy.
beth
June 15, 2015
im 14 years old i have been a christian but my life doesnt match my story i am most annoying to poeple i have trouble keeping friends i most questio if i will ever find a man in my future at a more appropriate age and how to become a full time real christian
Peacefulwife
June 15, 2015
Beth,
That is my twin sister’s name! I actually get called Beth a lot. We are identical. 🙂 love your name and love you already!
I remember crying and crying in August 26, 1988 when I was 15. I was convinced no godly guy would ever like me and I would never have a boyfriend. I met Greg (now my husband) the very next night at a Christian concert.
Instead of obsessing over the fear you have, I vote to lay your dreams before God and then allow Him to change you and transform you to be the woman He desires you to be. Seek Him far above everything else. Ask Him to make you more like Jesus and to show you anything that displeases Him and let Him tear out the yucky stuff and rebuild on Christ and His Word in your life.
How did you come to Christ?
What makes you right with God?
What do you believe God wants from you?
Do you have a godly mentoring woman in your life?
What are you reading in your quiet time?
What do you pray for?
Are you willing to trust God rather than worrying?
Are you reading any books to help you grow in your faith?
Sending you a huge hug!!!
Much love, my precious sister!
beth
June 15, 2015
by my life doesnt match my story is i have trouble acting a christian and being my self and i find myself doubting my faith
Peacefulwife
June 15, 2015
Beth,
Have you read my post about how to be filled with the Holy Spirit?
If not, go to http://www.peacefulwife.com because you can search things on my home page and search “Holy Spirit” and read that post.
Much love!
April
John
June 16, 2015
I know it might upset some people, but as a Christian man, there has to be a mutual physical attraction. Everyone has different attractions, but for me, it’s very important. It doesn’t mean the woman has to be a physical beauty. They just have to have what attracts me physical. I expect her to be physically attracted to me. It’s not being shallow, it’s being human. It’s being real.
Peacefulwife
June 17, 2015
John,
I appreciate your masculine perspective. This is very helpful. Thanks!
John
June 17, 2015
Guys are just much more visual. It’s built into us. It’s not that we look for the most beautiful. We look for what is attractive to us.
Peacefulwife
June 17, 2015
John,
I’m fine with that. 🙂 I think it is important for us as women to understand how men think more accurately.
Ladies,
The book “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn may be helpful for us with this concept. Also, “For Young Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn – is more for teens and 20 something singles.
Emma Middleton
June 20, 2015
hi there… I am a divorced, disabled Christian woman who has been a christian for 29yrs..single for about 8 of them..( I did backslide-just being honest)..but have really moved on with God over the last 2 yrs..I am in a place now where I genuinely feel ready to perhaps date someone…I am prayerfully asking God to prepare me and have become confident enough in God to be myself and so tend to be friendly to men and women.
There is a chap I like but I have no idea if he likes me. I enjoy his company ..and he is a Godly man…but now I am older I really understand nothing needs to be rushed because it is important to actually really get to know someone instead of contorting your ideas of what you want to fit the man. I feel you need to love and respect yourself first..which means you spend time with God and then you will recognise a man who is going on with God when he shows up.
It is important to remember that we are to have male and female friends and that we are to love each other laying down our lives for each other. That way the standard of love we have in our lives means we are not longing for someone to plug a gap. We know we are loved and can love and we do not NEED a chap in our lives but would love one..
I definitely agree with leaving it for the man to pursue you and making sure you are as feminine in appearance as you feel comfortable with; I also really agree about smiling..don’t put it on though. Get happy in what God has given you to do … and that will show…
Above all we are to treat all men as our brothers…and your brothers you just chat to as brothers…. as women we have it a little easier I feel. We just have to behave in a friendly manner and if the gentleman wishes to ask us out then that is up to him..We should not stress. Just enjoy friendships…that is all they are until a man asks you if you would like to take it further….
That is how I feel. BTW I really enjoyed reading the posts above..Thank you everyone
Peacefulwife
June 22, 2015
Emma Middleton,
Very wise insights. Thank you so much for sharing!
JohnB
June 22, 2015
You make very good points. One issue I’ve had with dating, my being single in my 40’s. I am now 62 and still looking. Since my 40’s, the number one reason I’ve been turned down for first and second dates, is the fact I was in my 40’s, single, never married, no children. I’ve had dinner with women who would tell me I have everything they’re looking for except I’ve never been married and I don’t have children. It seemed, since I had no experience in those areas, no matter what I said or did, it didn’t matter. A few times I’ve told the women, my never being married is a plus. You won’t have to divide your family even more. I don’t have an ex you have to deal with. I don’t have kids so there’s no blended family, which is much easier to deal with. Reasoning did not work.
No matter what I said or what I offered, it didn’t matter….never been married, no kids…won’t date you. I’ve been told this by Christian and Non Christian women.
Peacefulwife
June 22, 2015
JohnB,
This is pretty confusing to me. But I have not been in the single’s scene much. To me, it seems that you having not been married and having no children would also be quite an asset – no baggage. So, I am not sure what is going on, but I have heard similar comments from other single men in their 40s – so I don’t doubt your experiences at all.
I’m so very sorry for the painful things you have been through with women – especially Christian women. This breaks my heart.
Thank you kindly for sharing.
liz m
August 2, 2015
what am i supposed to do if im not physically attractive?
Peacefulwife
August 2, 2015
liz m,
A lot of women feel like they are not attractive, but there are some men for whom they really are attractive. I vote not to worry about things you can’t change – but to focus on allowing God to transform your character and your heart to be the godly woman He desires you to be. We will pray together that God might bring a godly man who will see the beauty in you – inside and out. 🙂
Mary
February 25, 2017
Hi,
Since nobody is approaching me for a serious relationship or to propose for marriage, do you think is spiritual? Though I am a shy type… What can I do to attract God s favour
Jen
March 2, 2017
I love this article. I’m a little sad right now. I met someone on a dating website and we talked for a few days on the phone and even considered meeting each other. This guy – so on fire for God, respectful, interesting – we shared some common interests. The other night he asked me about my relationship with God and I’ve known for a while it’s not where it should be, and I was honest about that. So things kind of hit the wall after that. We haven’t talked on the phone since, and he texted me the next day to see how I was doing, but no further communication (that was two days ago). I’m very glad to have met him and talked to him. It was refreshing. I guess I’m just mad at myself. If I were walking closer with God, maybe things would be moving along. Of course he deserves a godly woman. So, I’m praying about being able to move on and just work on growing closer to God. I have not made any effort to contact him – we are Facebook friends, so we like each others’ posts, but that’s it. I’ve been praying if God sees fit for us to continue talking that he reach out to me. I’d appreciate any prayers to just trust God and fully submit to Him. I obviously am not ready.