Administrative Note:
I am taking an email vacation through January 6th. You are more than welcome to comment on the blog, but please hold emails for me until after that date. Thanks so much for your understanding! 🙂
A question a precious sister in Christ sent me lately:
So, if some people are damaged, and they aren’t suitable for a Godly relationship, what are they supposed to do? I’m not naive, nor am I blind, I have the kind of past that constitutes “unsuitable”. If we’re being honest, I’m kind of a poster child of unsuitable.
This is the AWESOME thing about when we turn to Christ. He is able to heal our souls. He is able to tear out all the wrong “programming” you received growing up and all the pain and damage and He is able to “reprogram” you, to give you a new heart, a new mind, a new spirit. Actually, that is what we ALL need!
There may be some physical consequences of sin we will still have to deal with, but…
There is EVERY reason for hope in Christ, my precious sister!
I have seen God heal women who were sexually abused, raped, molested, on drugs, who had committed sexual sin, who were addicted to pornography, who were adulteresses, who had eating disorders, who had alcohol addictions, who were suicidal, who were severely depressed, who had had abortions… you name it… come to Christ and find total healing, new life and the power of God’s Spirit to radically change them to become the women of God’s dreams.
- THANKFULLY – our becoming new women in Christ is all about HIM and what He can do and not about what we can do in our own strength!
Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:9-11
Jesus did not come for the healthy, but for the sick! And – it turns out – we are ALL very sick on our own with sin.
My suggestion is to focus on tearing out all the lies and damage and scars and allowing Christ to remove anything offensive to Him. Just like all of us have to learn to trash the “wisdom” we think we have about God, about ourselves, about being a woman, about femininity, about marriage, about love, about masculinity. etc… you will do this, too. Then learn all you can about His wisdom and His way of living and allow Him to change you. The more you can heal before a potential committed relationship, the better. You may want to have some godly, biblical counseling from an older mentoring woman or counselor.
It is not that you can never be married and have a godly marriage. God is able to heal us all!
The thing is to be aware of the baggage and wounds you and possibly a man may have and work to heal as much as you can before marriage and understand that there may be unique challenges after marriage because of any unhealed wounds. My admonishment was to be sure people understand the wounds and to prepare ahead of time to deal with that and not to expect marriage to be as “easy” as it is for people who didn’t have those kinds of scars.
BUT – YES Jesus can heal you and YES you can have a godly marriage! I have seen many, many women whom God has healed and given them a healthy, godly marriage who had extremely traumatic pasts.
If you are willing to allow God to remove anything He wants to take out of your soul that has gangrene on it, and allow Him to work in your heart to make you new in Him – God can heal you just like He does everyone who comes to Him in faith and submits to Him completely as Lord.
NONE of us deserve God’s love. It is not about us. This is about HIS character. He loves because He IS LOVE. The more we know Him, the more we can lay aside our fears. ALL of us have sin and scars – He is able to turn all of that into something VERY BEAUTIFUL for His glory!
God has blessed us with MANY stories from so many wives recently who are sharing what He is doing by His power alone in their lives and marriages. I know that this wife’s story will touch and bless you. Thank you to her for sharing!
————-
I am writing to express my heartfelt gratitude to you and the work that you are doing. I am 33 years old and I too have begun the journey to become a peaceful wife, and intend to see it to the end.
I have been receiving a calling to go into ministry over the last couple years but deep down the Spirit was moving me that my relationship with my husband needed to be repaired before I could minister to others.
It was by pure happenstance that I came across a video of yours on Youtube. At first I must admit that I was more than skeptical at your message and thought that you were cut from a different type of cloth :-). But as I listened more and more, Jesus spoke to my heart and I saw the truth.
As I began readjusting my heart and my attitude, like so many others, I am seeing immediate improvements in my relationship. My husband who had begun shrinking away from me, became once more the man I fell in love with. Amazing, thoughtful, loving, incredibly helpful and supportive.
But how did I get to that point of being so proud, controlling and almost resentful of men that I kept reminding myself to prepare for the worst? Well, I hope my story can help someone else who has a similar past.
My Story:
At around the age of seven, I was sexually abused by my neighbor. The abuse lasted for a couple years and only ended when my family moved away. I had pushed the memory into my subconscious but unfortunately it all came rushing back when I saw the person again at around 16 years old. After that, it would be an understatement to say that my teenage years were rife with issues, I was constantly rebelling and getting into trouble. Added to that my dad was very verbally abusive to my mother, I remember how he would shout at her and embarrass her constantly.
I remember making several promises to myself that I would NEVER allow myself to be weak, to be powerless and taken advantage of as a woman.
- I developed a strong and domineering personality, an attitude which propelled me at work, as I am now a successful professional.
- But my personal life and connections suffered tremendously. I was very suspicious of people and expected the worst. When I let myself love (as with my husband) I only allowed myself to love up to a point and of course expected, and prepared for, the worst.
Within recent years, and after recommitting myself to God, I have been breaking down my many walls with His help. I admit that this one was the hardest.
How could I let myself “submit” to a man? After all I had been through? It was a very hard pill to swallow.
Having started on my journey, I can honestly say that It has been quite liberating. I am learning to trust all over again. Like a baby learning to walk, I am
- trusting that God will not let me fall and that he has blessed me with a husband who will hold my hand through it
- learning that love and trust is not a sign of weakness but rather a gift from God
- learning to relax and let peace and respect fill my marriage
- learning to take instructions and corrections (a biggie) from my husband and recognizing him as the leader of our home, after 10 years of marriage.
I can’t wait to start my ministry and give witness to yet another testament of God’s love….He really is a chains-breaking God!!
Ladies:
I believe that there are some Christian men who may feel a call by God to marry a specific woman who has a broken past – whether it was originally by her choice to deliberately sin or whether she was abused or raped and was a complete victim.
I believe a man has the right to decide and choose whether that is a situation he is willing to commit himself to or not. Just like a woman would need to be free to choose to freely commit herself to a man who had scars, wounds or issues from his past and she needs to know these things up front before marrying him.
If someone has herpes/HIV/hepatitis, a history of drug use, a history of porn addiction, a history of alcoholism, a history of promiscuity or abuse – those are things a potential spouse would need to know about so that he/she could prayerfully consider if he/she is able to properly commit in this situation.
And, a person with a sinful history – which would really include all of us- would need to be able to show that he/she is repentant of any sin and that he/she wants to live in obedience to Christ and live a life of chastity, honoring the marriage bed and honoring Christ with his/her body.
A couple in a situation with deep wounds/scars would be wise to seek godly counsel and mentoring, in my view, before committing to marriage – being sure that both people understand what lies ahead.
I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for each of you! 🙂
please also check out – “Dealing with Earthly Consequences of Sin”
jack
December 20, 2013
I can give you one man’s perspective. It may seem to be answering a question other than the one you asked, but stay with me.
———————————————————————
As a Christian, I have noticed one thing. Christian girls make “mistakes” with the exact same type of men that non Christian women do. Bad boys. “Hot guys”. Athletes. Musicians.
In short, the small contingent of men who really have what it takes to melt her butter, as they say.
I waited during my teens and early twenties for the girls to learn that these guys were only toying with them. I would have accepted being second choice.
But, receiving attention from such men only convinced the girls that they were tantalizingly close to landing such a man, if they just got the process down better. These are the girls buying Cosmo to learn tricks to “win his love”.
This took me through my late 20s. I would have accepted being third choice.
But by now, the standards were only raised: “I’m done settling for being treated like crap by hot but jerky guys. From now on, I will insist on hot GOOD guys.” This begins the “born again virgin” phase, or the phase of temporary celibacy, where they focus on their careers and wait for Mr Tall/Dark/Dreamy to materialize. Along the way, they may satisfy the occasional physical need with a discreet hookup. I began to weary, but still tried to keep my spirits up, thinking that I could be fourth choice.
By their mid-30s, they start to waver on their standards, and begin talk of “settling”. Use of the term settling occurs because it is not acceptable to admit that their standards were unrealistically high, so they have to couch the discussion in a way that makes them appear to be magnanimously considering a man that was once far, far beneath their “standards”.
I began to balk at the idea of fifth choice, especially when I was being regarded as a sort of last resort, a better-than-nothing option.
To the original question:
No ones sin takes them too far to achieve redemption. No one is beyond God’s love or the chance for a Godly marriage. We all damage ourselves through the sins that we allow into our lives.
The question is not whether you are “too damaged” to have a Godly marriage. The question is whether you have damaged your ability to love the kind of man you can get. What the Lord has declared clean let no man call unclean. Your sin, like mine, is washed away.
The hardest part of marrying for me, NOW, is knowing that my wife has been absent from my life all these years. Where has she been? Married to another man, being his helpmate instead of mine? Dating frivolously, spending time and attention with various men that were interesting to her?
I have spent 20 years making a successful life for myself without the benefit of a wife, her company, companionship, counsel, or intimacy. Is it fair for her to move into my life having built none of it? What man has benefited from her companionship and affection while I have worked alone?
This then, is the real issue. It is not whether a woman is too damaged to have a Godly marriage. It is whether her neglect of Godly men has left them malnourished and wounded, and whether these men are suitable for marriage any longer.
Malnourishment, left untreated, cannot be reversed, no matter how much food you feed that person. And right or wrong, I would always resent the fact that other men were having the benefit of her affection and company when she was young.
Godly men are not appliances that can be tucked away in a closet until they are need because the bad-boy-charming-jerk plan is not working. We are living beings who need care, same as you.
Keli
December 21, 2013
umm, Wow… You bring up several points of awesome discussion, and while I’ll be leaving for seven days, I’d like to comment on this.. You are incredibly right, on the count of the girl chasing the “hot” guy… While no guy is perfect, he should be christian, but for me, I think I really cherish a guy’s friendship, but the reason I don’t want to date him is A) he smokes, I don’t go near smoking. and B) he’s even more emotionally damaged from bad relationships than I am. I can see that loneliness and malnourishment has affected him to the point where I’m wondering if simple love could ever work there. I mean, I care about him, I love him, and I cherish the wonderful friendship I have with him, but I can’t date him, not yet, if ever. And I don’t plan to, I do plan to still wait until marriage, and wait on God to send someone else my way, or to fix the guy… And the smoking thing, he’s been smoking for about 15 years, health reasons, I simply don’t want to date people that could actually die by age 50.
jack
December 20, 2013
As an aside, I have never considered anything that occurred to a woman without her consent to be an issue. Because she did not choose it.
RG
December 20, 2013
April,
Here is a verse that almost no churches mention:
Hebrews 10:26 AMP
[26] For if we go on deliberately and willingly sinning after once acquiring the knowledge of the Truth, there is no longer any sacrifice left to atone for our sins no further offering to which to look forward.
I’m not going to pretend to have a perfect answer for why it is in there, and how specifically it effects us, but I wanted you to know that this verse is still in the bible, and it is VERY serious!
I’m not saying this to be alarming, but to tell you that we all NEED to have a correct biblical understanding of this verse!
A couple others of similar, but somewhat less dire consequences:
Galatians 4:9-11 AMP
[9] Now, however, that you have come to be acquainted with and understand and know the true God, or rather to be understood and known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and beggarly and worthless elementary things of all religions before Christ came, whose slaves you once more want to become? [10] You observe particular days and months and seasons and years! [11] I am alarmed about you, lest I have labored among and over you to no purpose and in vain.
peacefulwife
December 20, 2013
RG,
That is a very sober warning. I take that verse extremely seriously. Thank you for sharing.
If we claim Christ and then go on living in sin – we have a HUGE problem.
Jesus says those who love Him obey His commands and he who does not obey Him does not love Him. John 14
VERY, VERY serious stuff.
peacefulwife
December 20, 2013
Ladies,
Here is some more of the text surrounding this critical verse RG brought up in Hebrews 10:
Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28 Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29 How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30 For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[d] and again, “The Lord will judge his people.”[e] 31 It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
We cannot continue on in sin if we understand who Christ is and what He did for us and He is our Savior and LORD.
Look what we would have to do in order to continue on in sin – trample the Son of God underfoot, treat as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified us and insult the Spirit of grace.
Once we understand that God says something is sin – we cannot continue on that path if Christ is our Lord. Our desire HAS to be to honor Him in everything.
This would be a great post idea.
Maybe we can talk more about this soon.
peacefulwife
December 20, 2013
A related passage, in my view:
John 14:23-24
23 Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24 Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
If we do not obey Jesus – we don’t love Him. That is how He sees it. Totally black and white to Him. This is VERY, VERY serious stuff.
peacefulwife
December 20, 2013
Obviously- it would be ideal if we all obeyed God and none of us had any sexual sin in the past. Sin makes things a lot more complicated – even after God forgives us – there can be consequences, for sure.
I do know of so many situations where God has done beautiful things – even with people whose pasts were extremely messy, so I don’t want to discount the power of God.
Agreeing to marry anyone is a very personal decision that would require the wisdom of God, in my view – and would not be something to enter into hastily – but soberly and with great care – being sure we can accept the particular issues a person may have and that we can love them with God’s love.
Jason
December 21, 2013
Nothing is impossible with God. If you can honestly repent, and look in that proverbial mirror at that right moment……….
That moment of true belief, repentance and now an understanding of what YOU did.
It is a total and true liberation. Yes, there may be consequences for some of your previous behaviors, and attitudes that will follow you for awhile, but now you are equipped to handle them with Christ. And…. you will handle them! Be it depression, debt, a sordid past, lies you told, just mean and terrible things you did to yourself and others………
This is where forgiveness comes in. Of others, for yourself and a true “turning away” from your past. People may not notice at first or believe you….but they will 🙂
peacefulwife
December 21, 2013
Thank you so much, Jason! I am amazed at what God has done in your life. Thanks for allowing God to use you to be an inspiration to your brothers and sisters!
30sv
December 21, 2013
I’m reminded of Joshua Harris. He’d written IKDG, was saving his virginity for marriage – a lot of people expected him to marry a “good” Christian girl, you know the type who grows up in the church, saves her first kiss for the altar, etc. Then he met and married his wife, who had a messy sexual past. Well, they don’t seem to be doing too badly these days. 😉
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/revive-our-hearts/indulge-your-senses-1/
peacefulwife
December 21, 2013
30sv,
I had not heard their story, thank you so much for sharing this!
I just read it, and I would absolutely encourage the women who have had sin issues in their past to read this or listen to the conversation.
I would also encourage women who have not given in to sexual sin to read this interview, too, because Shannon Harris talks about the consequences of sin that she didn’t anticipate that did impact her future.
I wonder if anyone has read this book and would like to comment?
RG
December 21, 2013
True, but some other married couples mentioned in that book are no longer married.
IKDG is a useless book for men. (At least the second book was more entertaining to read.)
Basically, a young, good looking, outgoing, youth pastor decides to “court” the first hot girl he met, then goes on to talk about all his godly “intentionality,” as if that was the main contributing factor to his dating/marriage success. He never realized and gave due credit to the fact that almost all Christian women are addicted to idolizing the status of pastors and worship leaders, so he did what all well intending, but naive pastors do, he encouraged all the young men reading his book to become more spiritual and “nice,” claiming that “being really close to Jesus, and caring for and honoring women (and “protecting their hearts”) like Jesus, will make you more attractive to Christian women, which is patently false – I know because I tried it and it doesn’t work.” The opposite is true. Women don’t want men to be “nice” to them. It is a huge turn-off, and it turns well-meaning young Christian men into the punch line of many cruel jokes.
Christian women want hunky Pastors and Worship Leaders that others look up to and follow, not quiet, kind, servant-hearted men that love Jesus with all their hearts, but have no glorified social/career status, and appear insignificant to anyone else as a result. These days, the lack of “enough” social/career status would likely lead a wife to file for divorce, claiming that it’s all his fault that “she just doesn’t love him anymore.”
This book had the opposite effect than intended, and it hurt many godly young men as a result.
peacefulwife
December 21, 2013
RG,
II haven’t read his first book – but- do I understand correctly that even he made a lot of corrections later after many people had a lot of problems with his approach?
I wonder what the book about avoiding lust promotes?
Thanks for the summary of IKDG.
I have to agree that, unfortunately,
“nice” is not that attractive for a lot of women. I have to agree that men who are confident do tend to attract women.
RG
December 21, 2013
There were a lot of popular books that were full of bad advice (and caused a lot of damage), but IKDG became the most well-known “poster child” book of all of them, to the point of it becoming a descriptive joke summarizing everything that is wrong with Christian dating.
peacefulwife
December 22, 2013
RG,
Sometimes no advice is better than bad advice.
That makes me really sad!
peacefulwife
December 22, 2013
RG,
Please pray that I won’t ever give advice that will hurt people! How I long only to honor God and bless my brothers and sisters.
Elsadora
December 22, 2013
A woman that has been sexually abused doesn’t have a messy sexual history. Anyone who has made her feel that way should feel ashamed of themselves. The woman who sexually abused was exposed to the wiles of another’s sin though she did not sin herself. To the person who posed this question, I am sorry if anyone has made you made feel this way for they are wrong!
peacefulwife
December 22, 2013
I agree that a woman who was abused does not have a messy sexual history – and it was obviously not her fault at all.
She will have deep scars and need extra tender love, patience and care from an understanding, godly man.
peacefulwife
December 22, 2013
Maybe it would be better if I had addressed those who were abused separately from those who chose to be promiscuous?
My hope is that no matter what the cause of a woman’s pain or brokenness – whether from sin committed against her or sin she chose before she knew Christ, or sin she committed after she came to Christ – she might turn to Him and find great hope and healing in Christ! And I believe it is entirely possible for women to have a godly marriage. We have a great God who is able to heal and bring beauty from ashes.
Elsadora
December 22, 2013
And I know you didn’t pose it that way. Unfortunately, there are people out there, Christians included who confuse the issues, confusing sexual abuse with willing sex between two willing partners. AS to the woman or man for that matter who willingly sinned, but were repentant upon acceptance of Christ their past should be treated as just that their past. I am a little disturbed by some of the comments here who suggest that a man or woman renewed in Christ shouldn’t expect to find find or shouldn’t think they deserve to find someone that loves them. What is so this hang-up over sex in the first place? There are nine other commandments to break you know? Do we treat the former thief that way? What about the former liar? How many of you have wed someone that ever told a lie? If Jesus held this attitude he would have never spoken to the woman at the well. I think we need to be careful at characterizing sin various levels of sin. Yes, some sin has greater impacts than others, but sin is still sin.
peacefulwife
December 22, 2013
Elsadora,
My sin dramatically damaged my marriage. Idolatry of self, PRIDE, self-righteousness, lack of trust in God, idolatry of being in control, etc…
All sin does damage. All sin hurts marriage.
All sin separates us from God. All sin hurts our relationships with other people.
The consequences after repentance can be different.
But I believe that those who have repented and received the grace of Christ can be deeply and dearly loved. We are all in desperate need of the blood of Christ and we all need Him to transform our hearts and minds and we all need the power of His Spirit.
I don’t want any women to think that there is no hope for them – because there is EVERY hope in Christ no matter what our past.
peacefulwife
December 23, 2013
Elsadora,
I think you ask some really good questions. I hope to do a post about some of these issues in the next week or two. Thanks so much!
Jason
December 22, 2013
Brothers in Christ! First and foremost……..
Lets look at Christ. His example. He would’ve forgiven, he would’ve shown intense grace, and He would tell these women to “go forth and sin no more”
They are still sinning? Speaking with their mouths but not their hearts? Words professing love, but a still wicked heart, or motive? We know the outcome of this. We know that will be between them and Christ in the end. We in Christ know that the eternal gifts and rewards of everlasting life. Men and women who do believe, will live it, and show it! Can we gently rebuke a sister if she asks us her opinion or what ‘we” think in matters like we are discussing? Yes. In a Christ-like loving manner we may. Can we as real men of God set a proper, loving and polite example for our sisters? Can we guide and uplift not only by words…but by our actions and daily living for Christ? Yes! And a real woman of Christ not only has eyes to see the physical, but the discerning eye of a man who is indeed a “disciple” of Christ. These are the women of Christian worth. They are like a real precious jewel. Rare. Understated, and very hard to find! They are out there!
My brothers ,we men (single men in particular) who indeed ARE in Christ are not fools. We see some issues in the church proper, behaviors and attitudes and trends.
We can vent it out. We can strongly proclaim it, and call it out! We can say what Christ has put on our hearts!
But we also have to come back to that first square of “What am I going to do about it?”
Men are leaders. Men handle things. It doesn’t matter if we are physically weak or strong. Old or young. The handsome or the average (like 99% of us 🙂 ). What Christ commands us, and expects of us that we come The Cross equally. There is no favortism with Christ concerning our own personal sin, pride, jealously…..anything.
We men need to uplift, and pray for and lead our sisters by example. Not just rebuking. Not just venting. The scars we all have. The hurts and wounds we nurture in His church can ONLY be healed by Christ when we ALL show obedience to Him, and Him alone.
Remember brothers in Christ…..
Christ had no army.
Christ had no “political power”
Christ OPENLY wept for His disciples.
Christ washed their feet (a very, very humbling action in those times)
Christ spoke the truth, and in ways that were gentle, peaceable
Christ obeyed His Father
Christ was a “homeless” man throughout His ministry
Christ had no riches
Christ’s physical appearance was average (prophecy and scripture cites this)
Christ forgave Peter.
It goes on……Nobody can understand men like Christ. This is why we must set an example in ALL of our actions so our sisters can see what it means to be a Christian and follow Him.
We are not accountable to a denomination, or pastor in the end. Only to Christ!
I KNOW the frustration men we have towards the trends and attitudes in church…..it seems there is no escape….there is through OUR OWN actions to Christ.
We need to pray for and uplift Peacefulgirl, for this awesome challenge and work she is doing. It’s hard, and she needs our help, and example! Go easy here brothers…she is taking a very strong walk with her fellow sisters 🙂
peacefulwife
December 22, 2013
Thank you so much, Jason.
JC
December 23, 2013
That’s really true, Jason, and that’s really important. Women are ALL precious, precious, precious–so is everyone. I don’t want them hurt in any way. I can imagine how I might come across to some, though I’m already in “uncharted territory” just with my beliefs (so is PW, where she gets accused too for her deviance from the norm).
I’m really struggling to understand. April wrote about “assuming evil motives” and I’m in the EXACT spot where she described where I find certain behaviors and apathy to issues so inexplicable and I have a lot of suspicion with myself that I’m assuming more evil intention than is really there–I cannot tell! It’s so hard to tell what’s in order, and the reality is that it differs from person to person (woman to woman, in this case).
That’s one big, big reason why I’m hanging around here, to see if I can understand things better. Seriously, I know the Devil wants all believers to devour each other in some way and I don’t want to give him any victories. 😦 But I’m not at all confident that I’m innocent–Lord help me, I need so much to see things more with His eyes in order to do whatever is most constructive in all situations.
peacefulwife
December 23, 2013
JC,
I believe that the chasm between men and women is very wide many times. I don’t think that most women, especially Christian women have evil intentions or motives purposely towards men. And now, knowing what I know about Christian men, I don’t believe that most of them have evil motives towards women.
There is a lot of pain on each side. There are very different ways of looking at things. Many times we hear something that is not what the other person actually meant. There sometimes has to be a lot of translating where we really take time and dissect things to be sure we understand.
My dad was a nuclear engineer and he sold nuclear fuel to other countries. He said the worst communication problems they had were with the British. Kind of surprising since we all speak English, right? But the problem was that yes, the Americans and Brittish use the same words – but they don’t mean the same thing.
I think there is a similar communication issue between men and women. We THINK we understand. We THINK that we know what they mean because we are using the same words. But – unless you really study how the opposite sex thinks – it can be pretty impossible to just “figure it out” on your own.
When I read For Women Only by Shuanti Feldhahn and Greg read For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn – we were SHOCKED to learn all the differences in how we each perceive the world and how we think and our priorities and our needs. It took seeing it all broken down to even realize that we didn’t understand where the other was coming from.
What I had to begin doing was when I saw Greg do something that didn’t make sense to me – was to realize that he was good-willed toward me. I knew enough about him to know that he is good willed and is not trying to hurt me intentionally. That was the place I had to start. OF course, you can’t necessarily assume this with strangers. But then I had to assume that I didn’t understand his motives and goals or priorities, but that his motives, goals and priorities were for my benefit.
Of course, it is more important to learn to understand individual people – and they don’t all think like 80% of the men in a statistical survey in a book. There are unique aspects to each individual man and woman’s personality to learn and discover that help to clarify things as we communicate with him/her, too.
Here is what I can tell you – most women do not know how men think and do not realize the struggles men have today. I am still trying to wrap my head around exactly what men are up against in family court and with the domestic violence issues and during divorce and child custody disputes. I can hardly believe the things that are happening to men today. I had no idea things were so anti-men in those areas.
I think many women – if they aren’t directly dealing with those kinds of issues – probably aren’t aware of what is going on with those things and may not understand some of the fears men have about marriage because she just hasn’t seen that side of things and doesn’t realize what is happening.
Also, unfortunately, we have all been contaminated by our ungodly culture. Disrespect for men has become so normal and mainstream, that we don’t even realize it is disrespect today. I didn’t. Not until 5 years ago and I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it was for me to figure out what on earth respect even meant for the longest time and I was TRYING SO HARD to learn as fast as I could. It took me YEARS to “get it” and to feel like I had any clue – but I still word things in ways that offend some of my brothers because I am still learning – haven’t reached perfection, that is for sure.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs describes it as “the scales of disrespect” fall from a wife’s eyes when she reads his book or hears him talk. I was like that. I did NOT see my disrespect or control or pride or idolatry at all before. Not one bit. I was deceived.
Yes, things will vary from woman to woman – depending on her background, her walk with Christ, her experiences… so it can be difficult to predict what mindset various women may have.
I don’t believe that most Christian women hate men or are ill-willed toward them. I think we, overall, just don’t understand how different men are from us, we assume men think, feel, talk and perceive the world just like we do. Until we are able to see that men are VERY different from us and begin to learn about that – we will make wrong assumptions about men.
Sometimes I struggle SO MUCH as we have these deep discussions between men and women because I try very hard to translate between the “sides.” I don’t want there to be misunderstandings, hurt feelings, unnecessary offense taken. I know that I have MANY wounded women that I love here and want to minister to and care very much about. I can see their pain. And there are also MANY wounded men here – my brothers in Christ – that I love and want to minister to and care very much about.
Sometimes I struggle with trying to minister to both the men and the women and to keep the conversation edifying for all.
Sometimes I know that the women are going to misinterpret something a man says. Sometimes I know that the men are going to misinterpret something a woman says.
I try to accurately translate and referee. But I am not sure I always do it well enough.
Please pray for me to have wisdom. My first priority is to bless my sisters in Christ and to share the truth of God in love for them – these are HARD THINGS that I share. They are difficult things. They don’t make sense to women at first. it sure didn’t for me! Please pray that God might empower me to be faithful to Him and to His Word and that He might use me however He will for His glory and to edify, bless and encourage my sisters especially.
I know that the men who comment here (whose comments I have allowed) DO care about their sisters in Christ and want to see things get better for everyone. And I know that the women who comment here DO care about their brothers in Christ and want to see things get better for everyone.
I want this to be a safe place to discuss these difficult issues so that we can bridge this chasm that is between women and men in the church today and that we might find unity in Christ for His glory.
JC
December 24, 2013
April,
Thank you for this reply. I read it very carefully.
I’ll see what I can do to getting around to checking out that book and some other reading material. Life is consuming my time and attention BUT, since I seem to spend this much time with my mind on such issues I suppose I ought to check it out on account of your recommendation.
“Many times we hear something that is not what the other person actually meant.”
Honestly, that’s never been more apparent to me than in cases in how I’ve interpreted things here. Sometimes it’s miscommunication, but it’s definitely about hearing accusative whispers that aren’t true and I’ve been seeing how it’s been the enemy’s work in my mind.
I’s making me ask God to do some full-on heart surgery with me to rid filth in me that causes me to harm others. Now I’m somehow seeing this better . . . I can’t really express my passion for this, but I’m in desperate prayer to be rid of everything that makes me fail with God’s commands to love one another as ourselves. My sin is so awful and runs so deep, and I simply must be rid of it and reclaim the joy of acting purely in love at all times.
I am praying for you and the spiritual things that you desire, too.