I am planning to feature this wife’s journey occasionally as she takes her first steps towards healing in Christ as she faces a very painful situation in her marriage. We will call her “Gracealone” I believe that this wife’s struggles and concerns are extremely common and she has agreed to allow me to share her journey as I walk beside her and point her to Christ so that as she learns and grows, others might also be greatly blessed – married and single. We are going to go in very small steps. This is going to require a complete overhaul of this wife’s heart, mind and soul. I can’t fix her. I can point her to God’s truth and the power of Jesus.
The responsibility will rest on her to decide to accept or reject the help, hope, love, power, healing, grace, mercy and forgiveness of Jesus. This will be PAINFUL. Not as painful as staying where she is in doubt and fear – but it is very painful at first when God opens our eyes to the things He wants to change in us. She will have to allow God’s Word and truth to blaze and shine brightly into the darkest recesses of her soul and allow Him to remove every trace of sin, radically changing her by giving her a new heart, mind and spirit in Christ. He will have to expose the spiritual foundations upon which she has built her life and she will have to choose to allow Jesus to be LORD and rebuild everything completely on Him alone and His Word. This will involve her being willing to discard everything she thinks she knows about being a godly woman, about God, about herself, about masculinity, about femininity, about being a Christ follower and about marriage and replacing all of that with the truth from the Bible.
For the single ladies, I want you to see what happens in a woman’s soul when she has husband/children/marriage above Christ in her heart after she gets married. My prayer is for each of you to be able to deal with these issues NOW. The longer we cherish things in our hearts above Jesus (idols) the harder it is to tear them out and turn to Christ. Each story will have its own variations, but the despair, depression, misery, anxiety and spiritual issues this wife has are inevitable when a woman builds her life on something other than Christ – whether married or single. Please realize, this wife is a believer in Christ. She and her husband are in ministry in the church. But notice what is most important to her and her priorities and how they are misplaced right now. If Jesus is not everything to us, this is exactly where we all end up – a most painful, heartbreaking dungeon where things seem completely hopeless:
FROM GRACEALONE – EMAIL #1
I grew up in a Christian home. My husband was not a Christian when we very first met, but was saved quite awhile before we got married. He did not grow up in church. We went thru pre-marital counseling and the question about kids came up. My husband said he would want kids , but would like to wait a few years first before having them. My deepest, greatest dream has always been to be a wife and mother.
I noticed that every time I would bring up children, my husband would not want to talk about it. I finally pressed a little more, and he eventually told me that he does not want children – ever.
I was shocked and heartbroken beyond words. I asked him about what he said in premarital counseling, and he said at the time he thought he would want kids, but decided after we were married he did not.
This sent me into a spiral- I gained a lot of weight, found out I had a medical condition that affects fertility and was depressed beyond measure. As a result, our sex life has almost stopped. Maybe once every 8 weeks. I hate my body now, and my husband when asked , admits that he struggles due to my weight gain.
I do not know how to move on or heal from this fully.
I have tried many many times to pray, surrender, pray more, but feel as though I keep failing. I want kids badly, but feel as though with my medical condition, it will be too late to have my own if my husband comes around later.
- I see no sign of him changing.
- I have no desire to lose weight because I feel like my motivation to lose weight was to have a baby.
- My primary love language is affection – so to have that gone is unbearable.
My husband and I have talked so many times about these things. I’m at the point now to where I don’t know what to do. My husband is a good man, but I don’t feel like he wants to go to counseling.
I know God hates divorce and there are only a few biblical reasons for it, but I would be lying if I said I don’t think about it. How do I stay with a man who never wants children and barely has intimacy with me? Both biblical commandments.
GRACE ALONE’S EMAIL #2 (Peacefulwife’s questions are in bold)
It means so much to have someone Godly who is not involved in the situation to talk to.
As I was reading over your questions to me, the question that keeps coming back to me is “How?”
- How do I respect my husband when he talks down to me?
- How do I respect him when I get so frustrated at the mass amount of time he spends on the computer?
- How do I show a loving attitude to a man that barely touches me physically?
- How do I keep bitterness from a man who doesn’t want children?
I know that the answer is probably prayer and God. There are so many times where I feel like I have tried that and through praying get increasingly more frustrated. I cannot tell you how many times I feel like I have tried to do the right thing – only to find that I get hurt and become so much more weary of trying. I will try to answer your questions as best I can.
How is your walk with Christ going?
It could be better. I have good quiet and prayer times maybe once to twice a week. I do pray alot to God every day, but as far as sitting down with my Bible it happens a couple times a week. I know I need to get better with this – I will try to reckon myself to do so and then never seem to be really consistent.
Are you fully submitted to Him?
No. I guess I am probably not submitted like I should be. I have good intentions to be, but find myself fearful of fully letting go and trusting.
Is it possible there could be things that are more important to you than Christ?
Yes. It is possible I have put children, marriage, health, etc things before Christ unintentionally.
What are your fears?
This is a sensitive one for me.
1. I am afraid that I will never be able to have my own biological children.
2. I am afraid that if I fully trust God in my marriage, that I will become a doormat and my husband will never change (I have seen this many times) – From Peacefulwife – I have walked with hundreds of wives through this journey, and almost all husbands, unless they are seriously emotionally/spiritually wounded, eventually respond positively to some degree to a wife’s obedience to God
3. I am afraid I will always wonder if I made a mistake marrying my husband and if I will ever feel at peace and happiness with my marriage.
4. I am afraid that if I fully surrender God may allow some terrible thing to happen to “bring my husband and me closer.”
5. I am afraid of being unhappy the rest of my life.
6. I am afraid of not being good enough (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally).
7. I am afraid that I will never measure up in the physical department to what my husband would be attracted to.
8. I am afraid of not being loved.
Are you holding anything back from God?
Probably my trust, and surrender. I fear that with anything I fully surrender to God, that He won’t fix it or that if He does it will take years or something bad happening.
What are you praying for?
I try to pray that I would be a respectful wife, that God would restore what the locust has taken, that I would fear God but not be afraid of Him, that I would laugh with my husband, that God would restore our marriage and intimacy, that he would change my husband’s heart, that I would find peace and joy, that my husband and I would grow spiritually.
What do you believe you need to be happy and content?
I know the correct answer is probably God is all I need. Sometimes, I feel like I need more. I need a husband to affirm me verbally and physically. I need a husband who has a strong always growing relationship with God and mentors that can speak into him. I need to not always worry about money. I need to feel at peace with my marriage and I need to know that there is hope for change.
How are you honoring your husband and respecting him?
I work three mornings a week. Something my husband mentioned was that he wanted me to make his breakfast and lunches more and keep the house clean. I try to do those things, I am not perfect and could always improve, but I try. I try to build him up occasionally when I think about it, I pray for him.
Are there ways you are disrespecting him?
Yes, I know there are. Sometimes, I react out of hurt. I know that it’s no excuse. I may share things with others at times he may not like, or I may put him down, or if we have arguments I tend to say what I feel – which often comes across as criticizing to him. I guess I have been guilty at times to play his Holy Spirit, as well.
What is your motivation to take good care of your health?
I don’t feel like there is a whole lot of motivation right now. I used to want to be in shape for future kids, but I feel like that is off the table. I feel very apathetic about myself. Sometimes, I will have a little motivation because I worry about my health long term, but often it is cancelled out by just hating myself more.
Are you trying to punish him in some way?
Maybe. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I do think sometimes to myself that it shouldn’t matter if I have gained some weight, he should not let that interfere with our physical commitment. Or, at times, I was so hurt to know that he thought I was overweight that I just kind of let myself go more. I don’t try at all anymore because I think he is not interested. I never initiate anything because I feel like he thinks I am ugly and I have been turned down many times before. So, I completely stopped trying and then with the kids thing – maybe it was in some form a punishment. This area of our marriage is in dire ruins. We are awkward with each other now. How will I ever feel comfortable in this area again unless I am supermodel pretty? I almost hate to even think about it and will do things to avoid it. Not that it happens a whole lot to avoid in the first place.
What is your motivation for eating? Is food a source of comfort to you?
Right now I feel like food can make me feel happy for a short time. It is a feeling of satisfaction that I don’t feel anywhere else. I know a lot about health and research it often, but never stick with anything.
What has your husband asked you to do? Are you cooperating with his leadership?
He always says he wants me to be happy and content. To not always be in a bad mood, to exercise and eat right. I find all of these very hard to do as it is our marital circumstances that often merit hurt and unhappiness.
Do you believe and trust that God is able to change your husband’s heart and desires? Is it possible that you are depending on your husband in areas where your faith should be fully in Christ alone?
It is possible. At this point I feel hopeless. We have been married for several years and it feels like an eternity. Instead of God changing my husband, I feel like things have gotten worse. I almost have no desire left to want to work on it, because I am so tired of feeling like I always have to be the one to change before my husband changes.
Is it possible that God is still sovereign over your husband even though he has has free will, and that God’s purposes will still be accomplished in your life regardless of your husband’s current attitude and feelings and that God could hold your husband’s heart in His hand and direct it anywhere He wants it to go?
It is possible, but does God still work in a husband’s heart, who I feel is not listening to God at times??
Are you ready to begin to fully trust Christ with all of this? He is able to handle even this situation. It is not beyond His power to act.
I want to, but the same self-doubt keeps coming back. What if I do this and things never change? What if I am miserable the rest of my life? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this man (with things as they are right now, I don’t know). I feel like I am barely holding on.
I am concerned that your eyes seem to be so much on your husband and his current feelings instead of on Christ and His power and His will.
How do I change this? I feel like I have tried so many times.
Thank your for letting me pour my heart out.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
When the sinful nature is in control and we trust SELF, not a God, we cannot have God’s Spirit in control. We cannot have God’s love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control if we choose to cherish sin. Idolatry (dreams of what I thought I HAD to have in life to be happy), pride, bitterness, resentment, self-righteousness and unbelief in God were my sins. God will NEVER let me have contentment, peace and joy if I am cherishing sin in my life. I can only have those things when I willingly lay them down, agree with God that they are sin, turn fully away from them and give my life completely to Christ.
I had to face each of my fears – which were similar to yours – and decide –
- Do I trust my fears or do I trust God?
- Is God who He says He is?
- Is His Word true or is it a lie?
- Do I trust Him or not?
Your husband is not responsible for your happiness and your emotional/spiritual well-being. You are responsible for yourself. You will stand alone, my precious sister, before Christ one day. I want Him to be able to say, “Well done, My good and faithful servant!” You are responsible for repenting of your sin and for obeying God in EVERYTHING He has commanded you to do.
God is able to handle your husband. But your husband cannot hear God’s voice very well if you are standing in God’s way in his life and your voice drowns out God’s voice, which a wife’s voice can easily do in a husband’s soul. It is a LONG, LONG journey. But it is so worth it!
You will have to wrestle with God over these things and decide for yourself whether you will choose fear or faith. You cannot have both. You must decide between the two. You can cling to idols, fear and bitterness, or you can have Christ. If you have Christ, He must be LORD. He must be in charge. There is no saying, “No, Lord” to anything He commands us to do.
God showed me my mountain of sin. It was PAINFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to go live in a cave for the rest of my life when I realized that I am a really awful, evil, wicked sinner. But I thank and praise Him that He showed me my sin and opened my eyes and has shown me the way to His narrow path that leads to Life.
I can’t wait to see what God is about to do in your life!
LADIES:
If you are a single Christian woman who is struggling with idols of romance, marriage, having a husband and children (you are putting these things above Jesus in your heart) – and you would like to correspond with me via email so that you can grow and allow God to change you AND allow me to share our emails anonymously in posts on the blog, please leave a comment for me. I cannot email with everyone, but I can email with a few people and we can look at their feelings, concerns, questions and issues together and grow and learn together. 🙂
Much love to each of you!
** If someone is severely depressed or there are major uncontrolled mental health issues, active addictions to drugs/alcohol/porn/gambling in a marriage or someone is suicidal or in actual danger, please get experienced appropriate help ASAP! I am not writing for people in these types of severe situations. If anyone is having major struggles in your life, please seek godly counsel at your local church or from a Christian counselor.
Posted in:
being controlling, choosing a godly path for career/marriage/future/motherhood, contentment, growing in Christ, honoring God, idolatry, insecurity, loneliness, marriage roles, Preparing for Dating and Marriage, preparing for motherhood, real life situations and questions, romance, suffering, testimonials, the danger of expectations
Peaceful Single Girl 
Andrea Renee
March 8, 2014
I want use the pain I am allowing the enemy to keep me trapped to Glorifty by see those lies for what they : unbiblical fearful lazy confom that is outside of God will for my life and my throught
peacefulwife
March 8, 2014
Andrea,
I pray that God will set you free from the lies of the enemy and that you will replace those lies with truth from His Word, resting in His love for you. 🙂
Much love to you!
April
Jeannette
March 8, 2014
Im sorry but I do NOT agree with what is going on here!!!!!. The bible clearly states that a husband must love his wife as christ loves the church. Which means he is to LAY DOWN his life for his wife. All of the attention of fault is being put onto the woman in this post. How she should change. This horrible monster is abusing his wife mentally and emotionally. He lied to her !! In premarital counselling no less!! He tricked her into trusting him and needs to be made accountable for HIS sins! The bible says that the devil is a “liar and father of lies’ she must not cater to him, humbling yourself to an ABUSER will never change him she must not humiliate herself any longer!!
With you, PW, it seems a very different case. You have a loving husband, and God showed you that things inside you were not adding up; and God did this because He wanted you to have a much abundant life, and you were being robbed of it. With this lady, it isn’t God telling her things its YOU telling her things! Her life is not the same as yours! She is being abused!!!
The bible says if your brother sin against you TELL him his fault…she needs to kindly tell him all of the pain he is causing her and has caused her. Its clear that he is a selfish monster who needs serious couselling. The bible also says that a woman may separate from her husband. Sometimes this is what a woman needs to do to send a direct message to a cruel husband.
You are very wrong in telling her to examine herself, she is suffering!! Yes we must all examine ourselves! but in a case like this she needs to LEAVE and get professional christian help for herself, on her own, and not try to work this out while living with a monster!!
And he is in ministry??? a man who LIES to his wife, who wont touch her who has addiction issues?? I wound never want him to minister to me! She needs to go to the elders of the church and tell them what is going on!!! She has already spoken to her selfish husband and he is not listening to God or to her. He MUST be made to face his issues! and be made ACCOUNTABLE!!
She is in such terrible pain and needs serious help!!! sorry , but you are a dear woman PW but this is very very very wrong!
Jeannette
March 8, 2014
Alright,,,my above post did not seem very loving or kind, its only because I am stunned! PW you are a lovely soul, but this woman is truly being abused emotionally and mentally!!! and I am so horrified that you are telling her to examine herself! This is not the time for this kind of soul searching !!
This man has lied to her!! He continues to sin with callous disregard for what he is doing to her. The bible tells men to “love their wives as christ loved the church” He must be made accountable, and truly this is how people change! God made you accountable for your “inside issues” and it helped you. Thankfully you listened to God, PW but this man isn’t!! Does he has a stony heart?
And God can only change a person who is willing!! Nothing she will do will bring any change if her husband is UNWILLING He needs strong medicine which is accountability to his Pastor and the church!
She is married to someone who is supposed to be in the ministry. Your advice is the cart going before the horse, before she can be helped with counselling she needs to do the following
1. Go the the pastor/elders and tell them her husbands sin. (his lying, his addiction, his cruelty to her) He must be made accountable! If your brother sin against you, tell him his fault between you and him alone…if he hears you you have won your brother…but if he does not, then take another with you…
2. She must separate from him before she does the unthinkable, (suicide) the fact that she has gained all this weight is a desperate cry for help! She is suffering beyond measure and needs to be in a safe and loving environment before she has a breakdown! She is traumatized PW!!
3 He must agree to counseling and be temporarily removed from any ministry work. He needs to stay off the computer permanently. Where there is one ‘addiction” there are others. He is not having sex with her, really? Then how is he meeting his needs? Where there is one lie there are other lies. They travel in packs.
4. He needs to know, by the Pastor and Elders, in seriousness but with grace and mercy that he must repent and get help or else. He will lose his ministry permanently, and his wife will not reconcile with him.
5. If the pastors try to brush it off and condemn her, she needs to wipe the dust off her feet and find another church; after she tells them off.
This man has issues more then what meet the eye. He had no business getting married to this woman! He lied to her, continues to lie and abuse her; and he cannot be trusted at all, how he ended up in ministry is beyond my understanding,
Leave a man alone for long enough; he will commit adultery. and she will be free of him. She cannot cannot cannot go on living in this pain. She has tried to show him love and compassion and all it has bought her is pain
Its time for accountability because thats what the bible says. Its time for her to leave.
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
Jeannette,
Yes, the Bible does command husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Absolutely. Yes, this husband has LOTS of sin in his life.
God’s Word gives wives an assignment when our husbands are far from Him and are living in disobedience to Him.
I Peter 3:1-6
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
This wife’s power is in focusing on her walk with Christ. THAT is where she will find strength, hope, peace, joy, love and the power to bring healing in her marriage.
We have been emailing for about a week – and God is already opening her eyes in many ways. This email was just from the first day.
I do not believe that she is suicidal at this time.
The pastor in this situation is a very close relative of hers.
She does have the freedom to talk to the elders and pastor – yes. She absolutely could.
She is sure that he is not involved with porn. I believe that he may have some medical issues going on at this time from some other things she has shared.
She cannot control him – she can only control herself. But – I know that our God is able to heal her and I believe He is also able to heal this marriage.
I completely disagree that it is time for her to leave. I don’t believe that is biblical counsel in this particular situation.
I hope that you will pray for her. And – I think you are going to be amazed at what God has in store. 🙂
EG
March 10, 2014
Hi Jeannette,
I want to respectfully disagree with your opinion that this husband is abusing her. I think his choices are very hurtful and confusing, but I don’t think they are abusive. I think it is unfair to call this abuse when some people are in very dangerous situations and are actually being abused. For one reason or another, we don’t know what is going on in his head or heart right now. There may be deeper issues that he is struggling with, and he may be at a loss at how to deal with them. Not wanting to have children at this time, could be his way of not making a bad situation worse.
I think it is great that you feel passion and care, but allow God to be God in this situation. As Christians, we need to approach things with GRACE and TRUTH. All of us would be lost if God tossed us to the side every time we messed up. Look at Moses. Moses killed a man, and God still used him to lead the Israelites into the promised land. And I believe Moses was the only person in the bible that God referred to as friend. It is always good to give God time to work and to support our brothers and sisters in Christ the way we would want to be treated in a dark season. And remember what Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”.
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
Jeannette,
My husband was not loving, in my view, at the time that God showed me my sin. He barely looked at me, touched me or spoke to me for a LONG, LONG time. Why was he so unloving to me? Turns out, he was reacting to my disrespect.
I only deal with women and the wife’s side of a relationship. I don’t counsel men – because Scripture prohibits women from having authority to instruct men in the church.
The wife can only control herself. She cannot control her husband.
They are BOTH contributing to the issues here.
I doubt that he purposely “lied” to her about children. He had a very difficult experience growing up and it is my belief that he is afraid to try to be a dad, that the thought overwhelms him. Is that something God can change in his heart? Yes.
But pressuring him, criticizing him, nagging him, lecturing him, demanding things of him – those tactics will not work.
Any sin is abusive. Yes. I totally agree. They are both “abusing” each other. What you don’t know is the things she does and says to him. It’s not pretty. Not at all. I don’t agree with labeling him a monster and an abuser. They both have sin. They both have faults. And God’s grace is more than sufficient to heal this marriage. I have seen Him do it many times in situations as bad or worse than this.
She must begin by looking at her own life, her walk with Christ, any sin in her own life. That is where we all must start.
He does not have a porn addiction. Most likely, he doesn’t feel safe with her and retreats to the video games. Just like his dad did. Is that right? Nope.
Can God heal this situation? ABSOLUTELY!
She does need help. And the help she needs is Jesus. He is on the scene! I am seeing Him begin to change her already.
Thanks so much for sharing your concerns.
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
From Nikka – Peacefulwifephilippines
Ouch. 😦 I am in pain just reading what she is going through. It seems to me that our dear sister here is in a very, very bad place right now. I empathize with you Grace Alone. I have been there and it was not a good place to be in. 😦 It was dark, depressing, and I almost always felt to be living “under a cloud” or under a literally a “gray atmosphere” wherein every single day was just excruciating to live and it was painful to just stay alive. There were times too that I wanted to die or commit suicide but though I was oppressed by the Enemy during those long, pathetic years, I still loved God and I didn’t want to take my life because I was God-fearing. Didn’t change the fact that I still wished death on myself every single day just to stop the pain. 😦
Grace Alone, I know no words right now will suffice. I will pray for you, sister. It seems to me that you are believing so many lies of the evil one that God’s Truth has no space in your heart. 😦 It is easier to believe the enemy because circumstances are not happening according to how you want them to happen, and so it “makes more sense” to believe that:
– you are unworthy of your husband’s desire because you are a certain weight
– you are not fully a woman because you have not borne a child
– you should not submit to God because if you did, bad things will happen to you like perhaps what happened to Job
– etc etc
THESE ARE ALL LIES! But I know right now, they seem like the “truth” to you. 😦
Living in sin and despair is painful. 😦 As I’ve said, I have been there. I used to cry myself to sleep. I slept on the bedroom floor because all I did was cry and hyperventilate while wishing to die. Nights on end…. 😦
It was only very recently that God freed me from ALL my bondages when my heart was ready and when I was ready to repent for ALL my sins. It was painful to “watch”. God showed me how wretched I was and how sinful. 😦 But I allowed Him to remove every single filthy, stinking sin in my heart… I wanted it to be clean so His Spirit will have room in it.
The peace and joy I am experiencing daily since September 2013 is out of this world. I never knew this was even possible! Christ’s Peace cannot really be found here in this world. I can just bask in His Presence all day long. Praise God!
Praying for you, Grace Alone. You are not alone.
WE are all here for you. We will be all here when the Lord finally opens your spiritual eyes, when you see the deceptions for what they are — LIES, and when the Truth Who is Jesus, finally sets you FREE!
God bless you and keep you.
Love,
Nikka
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
Nikka,
Thank you so much for sharing your struggle! How heartbreaking to see you and also this precious sister of ours in so much pain! Especially when Jesus has opened the prison door and made the way for all of us to get out of these dungeons we have ourselves in. We can run into His glorious freedom, peace, joy and light!
I praise God for what He has done in your life to free you from possession and oppression and depression in the past, Nikka!
GraceAlone’s starting point is extremely painful. That is where so many of us start. We are about a week into this process now, and I am seeing some lights come on in her soul already. But I want the other wives to get to experience the entire journey starting from the beginning. I believe that many, many wives will relate. Their circumstances may not be exactly the same, but the spiritual place where GraceAlone is right now is a place where so many wives are right now.
I can’t wait to see all that God has in store and the healing He will bring to our beautiful sister, GraceAlone, and to many other women as they follow her story and seek Christ with all of their hearts as well! 🙂
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
From Nikka:
Yes, looking forward to it! It’s almost like a reality show, except that it is actually supernatural! 🙂 May God work in this sister’s life. There is nothing impossible with Him and with all of us praying for her, we believe that the Lord will answer our prayers for her to be freed from her bondages! Praying for her husband as well, that his heart will soften towards having children.
Yes, April. I am so grateful the Lord has really freed me from the evil one. I was deceived for sooooooo long. I couldn’t free myself even when I tried so hard to! I clung to Christ but the world was still so much with and in me. It was only when I really died to myself that the Lord found the space to work His Spirit in my life. I sometimes stop in awe at how different I am now. I do not take credit for anything. When the Lord created me anew, He really made everything and I mean EVERYTHING new and beautiful. I am a new creation! I couldn’t believe this was even humanely possible!!! But then again, this was not done by human hands, but by Divine Hands. And with God NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE!!!! 🙂 Praise God!
Praying for Grace Alone and Grace Alone’s husband.
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
Ladies,
It is easy to demonize a husband in a situation like this. Let’s avoid making snap judgements, please! This is just a snapshot of this woman’s life at a point in time last week. In this one post, you do not have all of the information about this man, his faith, his childhood, his wounds, his scars – and you don’t have all of the picture about this wife either.
Instead of passing judgment and condemnation on this husband, I would like to see us band together in prayer for this man and his wife who the enemy is trying to destroy. Our God is strong enough, loving enough, powerful enough and wise enough to bring great healing to this situation. I have seen it happen hundreds of times.
The husband here is not the enemy. He is in just as much pain and just as deeply wounded as the wife. He doesn’t know what to do. He is probably just as depressed, frustrated, hurt, lonely and afraid as his wife is.
The real enemy wants to destroy this marriage and these people and their ministry. Let’s focus our energy on the real enemy. People are not our enemy.
We are not God- that we need to insert our own judgment and condemn people whose hearts we don’t even begin to know.
But we can extend hope, faith, the power of God, the grace of God, the healing of God and the truth of God to those who are hurting. That is our job as the church. 🙂
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
Marriage is a COVENANT – to read more about the seriousness and the holiness of this institution, please check out this post:
Brides and Butchers
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
From E, a wife on http://www.peacefulwife.com:
Grace Alone,
My heart goes out to you, and my hand, to help you in prayer walk through the dark hours ahead. We are all here for you, and know firsthand so much of the pain you are feeling! But everything April and Nikka said is TRUE! If you will just keep taking “one more step” toward God and the wisdom and insight his spirit will provide, your life will totally change. Anxiety turns into PEACE, and despair into JOY when we truly care more about pleasing God more than anything else. The amazing thing is, even though we don’t choose to please God just so everything in our life will go well, it often does improve enormously!
I have learned not to depend on my husband for complete love, acceptance, and security. Only God can provide that for any of us. Of course we hope our husbands will love us unconditionally and think we are beautiful no matter what, but if we build our entire self-esteem and internal peace on that foundation, it could easily crack if they make insensitive comments that make it seem we aren’t “good enough” for them. God will never let us down, not in any way!
It’s also very important to love yourself in a healthy way. God said that we should love our neighbors as ourselves, so we must learn to first take good care of ourselves–for OURSELVES first–not for our husbands, future children, or anyone else. When you begin to feel God’s spirit working in your mind and heart, it’s so much easier to do this! It feels so good to finally begin to LOVE YOURSELF because you are God’s daughter that he loves totally and completely! Sometimes we use food for comfort, but understanding God’s totally unconditional love for us is so comforting that we no longer need to rely on food to dull our pain or punish those who have hurt us. It feels good to go out and take a walk, to do things that nurture us, independently of our husband. It feels good to dress in flattering clothing (whatever our size or shape), to smile, put our shoulders back, and have the sparkle in our eyes that comes from our growing enlightenment from God’s wisdom for us as women and wives. It feels good to see things the way God does, to see where we fit in “the big picture.” When we have this expanded view of things from God’s perspective, former anxieties seem so small, and our priorities change.
Please do choose to exercise faith that what God says is true, and keep taking steps toward him. He will not abandon you–ever! Also, please keep reading these posts every day, because they, and the comments, are a tremendous source of spiritual support to us all. We look forward to sharing your journey. Much love to you!
Resty racheal
March 9, 2014
I thank you very much because the holy spirit lead me to your website at the time I needed it the most. Iam born again and so is my boyfriend. We have been dating for about 2 years but I soon realised that I was trying very much to make my boyfriend into the man I thot I needed him to be, I was fixing him. To me it was just right and I didn’t see any wrong with it ..but as time went by, it pushed my boyfriend away until it came to a point where he was fed up of being around me. It was through prayer asking God to show me where am going wrong that I was led to your website. I had idolised the idea of having a godly husband too much, I idolised marriage so much ..although our relationship has not yet fully recovered. Iam trusting God and taking Baby steps everyday..I know God has no track record of any failure and his forever faithful. I bless you for accepting God to use ur life to bless others..Am always telling people to come and read your blogs. Thank you very much!!! Resty – Uganda. (africa)
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
Resty,
Thank you for sharing your story! It is so easy to set our hearts on a godly marriage, a man, a husband, children, romance or happiness instead of Christ. We all do this! And many times, we don’t even realize what we are doing. I sure didn’t for two decades. I thought I was a wonderful Christian – but I didn’t trust God, I trusted myself and I put so many things above God in my heart.
I am excited about what God is doing in your life now! I pray for His wisdom and healing for you and your boyfriend. I pray for God’s greatest glory in your life and that you might live a life of great faith in Christ, fully empowered by His Spirit to accomplish all that God desires to do in and through you. 🙂
Much love!
April
PeacefulwifePhilippines
March 9, 2014
I really feel for Grace Alone but I also pity her husband. Both of them are being deceived and oppressed by the Enemy. The husband is not the enemy here and he is clearly not in the light. I too am “confused” as to how somebody could be in the ministry and act like this, but given my own personal experience ( I gave my life to Jesus at 12 supposedly but still got demon possessed for a short period of time at age 27.) It was because my sinful flesh still ruled and the world was very much in my soul. The devil piggy-backed on all my issues (eating disorder, obsession with my father’s approval, depression, extremely low self esteem issues) to make me question God and to make me so far from Him that even though I profess to be “saved”, I was really acting contrary to what I was professing. It happens to the best of us. We are all human, sinful, erroneous..
I think Grace Alone’s husband is also in a very deep, dark place right now. He also deserves our prayers.
I am looking forward to the other updates from Grace Alone’s life. 🙂 I understand that you have been conversing with her for weeks now, April? And that this is the first part of the installment, so to speak? I join you in prayer for this wife and for all the wives in similar situations. God’s Grace is sufficient and we know that He will win her over and free her from bondage… Praying that she accepts Jesus in her heart and that she let Him take over.
God bless us all.
peacefulwife
March 9, 2014
Nikka,
Thanks so much for sharing your story!
I hurt very much for GraceAlone and her husband now, too. But I have total faith that God is able to turn this thing around. If she is willing to trust Him…. Not so that she can have a baby, but so that she can be in close fellowship with Him. Then I trust Him to work out the details about the marriage and baby issues for His glory in time.
Her husband’s dad was in a very, very dark place when her husband was growing up, and he was not saved. He did not have anywhere near a godly example of being a father. I would imagine that the idea of trying to be a godly dad may be very intimidating when he never experienced the wisdom and example of a godly dad as a boy.
I believe they are both in desperation and fear and I want to see them both experience the power of God, His joy, His peace, His freedom and His abundant life…
Yes, I have been corresponding with her for over a week. I have more posts to share if she continues to be willing. It is so amazing to watch the lights begin to come on in her heart and to see her begin to see things more the way God does.
Thanks for praying for her!
gracie
March 10, 2014
I am joining you in praying for Grace Alone and her husband. What looks impossible to man, is possible with God!
peacefulwife
March 10, 2014
FROM GRACEALONE:
Ladies,
First and foremost, I am brought to tears at the amount of love and encourage poured out from you all. I am GRATEFUL beyond words to know that there are women who struggle with different “idols” in their marriages just like I do- be it kids or something else. I am encouraged so very much to know that there are women praying for me in this situation. THANK YOU!
Each comment was so encouraging and hit me to my very core- I kept tearing up reading each comment and than ” thanking Jesus” for each and every one of you and your wisdom. God is doing a work in my heart for sure- for so long having a child was my deepest rooted idol in my life. Yes, there are so many more “ugly” idols that God is showing me, but having children of my own has been the hardest, toughest one to surrender. I have not brought the topic of “children” up to my husband in about a month- that is a long time for me. I do feel like God is telling me to be silent on this topic for now- my husband knows my desires as does Jesus. I think I have known all along that nothing I would ever say or do would change my husbands heart- that it had to be God Alone. Knowing this and putting this into living action every day is tough! However, I am sensing now more than ever that this is HUGE reason that I have felt distant in my relationship with God ( which has led to other issues in my marriage I’m sure), because this idol was so BIG, he couldn’t speak to me. This issue of children is still extremely hard, but I am also seeing there are bigger issues for me than finding out after I was married that my husband does not want children. Issues like my relationship with God. To the woman who mentioned that this situation for me is like ” losing a loved one.” How right you are! I had never thought about that before. Being the oldest girl of eight children, they were a huge part of my life. From as far back as I can remember, all I wanted was to marry and have children. I even ” made sure” this was discussed in pre-marital counseling so that all of my
” bases” were covered. After all, that’s what all the books say ” TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED.” Well, we did that, I thought we were good. I had no idea things would drastically change AFTER I got married. So yes, I had to grieve that “loss” and try to move on. I guess it would be knowing someone has died, but that there was a “chance” they would come back to life. If you knew someone could give you that “chance” you would fight for it with your life- when that chance kept slipping away, bitterness would grow- as it has with me. I am earnestly praying that I will truly lay this at the feet of Jesus ( along with my other idols) so that I can heal and be restored. To answer some of the commentors questions: To mumof5, No, I do not take any medical contraceptive- my husband is ok with this. I did take it for a year, when we first married, but came off of it for various reasons. To Julia T who said that I could maybe find a job with kids- God has blessed me, as I teach preschool. 🙂
Again ladies, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your prayers, love, empathy, and encouragement. I will pray for each of you as well, and pray God’s abundant Grace (alone) will fill your hearts with the His love! Thank you for ministering to me.
Love,
Gracealone
Iris Kohler
March 16, 2014
Stay strong, thanks for sharing this post with all of us, Much love.
peacefulwife
March 30, 2014
The newest post by GraceAlone reveals that this first post did not begin to show the entire story. I hope you will check it out!