This is a tough situation. The way a godly young woman would handle this scenario is going to depend upon her age, her personal spiritual maturity, the issues at stake with her boyfriend/fiance and her parents’ spiritual maturity as believers.
YOUR PARENTS ARE GOD’S AGENTS OF AUTHORITY TO PROTECT YOU
In general, your parents love you more than any other human on the face of the earth and usually truly want the best for you. If you are still under your parents’ roof or receiving financial help from them for school – they are in authority over you. Some would argue that your parents have authority over you until you are married. So – it is IMPORTANT to listen to your parents’ concerns.
What are your parents’ concerns? If they have an issue with something related to your guy’s faith in God, his character, his motives toward you, your safety, his ability to provide financially for you, a drug addiction, an alcohol addiction, a criminal record, no ability to find a decent paying job, laziness, no desire to find a job, a severely disturbed childhood, a gambling problem, severe mental health issues, a record of infidelity or immorality, addiction to pornography or video games, irresponsibility, immaturity, selfishness or a significant sin habit that enslaves him – these major issues are concerns that you would be wise to listen and hear your parents’ arguments. And you would do well to put immediate breaks on your relationship with this man while you seek godly counsel. He may need to show a SERIOUS change of heart and back that up with months or even years of good behavior to show he is a changed man in Christ before you could trust a man with some of these problems to be a godly husband.
IF YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT BELIEVERS OR ARE WEAK BELIEVERS IN CHRIST
God still uses even unbelieving parents, kings and husbands to accomplish His will in the lives of His children. If at all possible, try to hear your parents’ concerns and really take them to heart. Pray about them. Seek godly counsel about their issues with your guy. They (and God) could be trying to spare you from horrific heartache and pain down the road. It is worth your time to hear them and at least consider their criticisms of your guy – no matter how painful it is to listen right now.
IF YOUR PARENTS ARE STRONG BELIEVERS IN CHRIST
Then their opinion needs to count even more! They can see things that you might not be able to see in guys. Your vision may easily be clouded by emotion and feelings. Theirs is not! They are looking out for your best interests and may have valid issues with a guy who might be throwing some red flags at them that you can’t see.
Again, I would encourage you to carefully listen to your parents’ concerns. Pray about them. Be willing to say, “Your will, Lord, not mine, be done.” If you can’t do this – it’s time to consider if this guy is an idol in your life. Seek God’s best for you and don’t get too attached to the outcome or a particular answer. It is better to find out SOONER that a guy is not good for you than to marry him and realize too late that this was the biggest mistake of your life.
WHAT IF THEY ARE WRONG?
If your parents’ concerns are more subjective and personal preferences – you can certainly listen to their feelings. And you can thank them for their insight and still pray about what they tell you. But if they just don’t like your man because of his background, his race, his accent, because he’s a Yankee, because he isn’t going to be a doctor, his haircut or superficial kinds of things – then you may have a case against their disapproval.
If you are younger, it’s probably wise not to commit yourself to marriage anyway until you are actually able to get married, but especially use caution with a man that does not meet the approval of your parents. This is not to say you can’t be with this guy. You can CALMLY talk with your parents about the positives you see in your guy and you can certainly respectfully talk with them about their criticisms and how your concerns are his character and relationship with Christ, his responsibility, his dependability, his faithfulness, his morality, etc. But if they really don’t like him, understand that this may be a source of conflict and contention throughout your married life if you choose to marry this man eventually.
Your parents may never like your guy as much as you do. Or, they may change their mind as they get to know him. You can pray that God will grant your guy favor with your parents. You may have to be patient as they get to know each other better and hopefully get along better in time.
Ultimately – it’s your decision, and you’ll do well to seek God’s best for you. But be sure you give proper weight to your parents’ concerns (depending on the severity of them) and don’t immediately dismiss their criticisms of your man as untrue. Check carefully to be sure God is not trying to speak to you through your parents with a warning about this guy. Be ABSOLUTELY sure that this is a guy you can respect “as is”. Don’t plan to change him after you marry him! Don’t try to rescue a lost puppy or think that your love will “make” him a better man. THAT DOES NOT WORK! Only marry a man you can respect easily when you are dating and/or engaged! His faults will be greatly magnified after marriage! (Yours will, too.) We can’t change people. Only God’s Spirit can do that.
Make sure your guy loves Jesus WAY more than he loves you!!!! And make sure you love Jesus WAY more than you love your man! I pray God might grant you wisdom, direction, insight and light for your path – that you might find His perfect will for you and never have regrets about this HUGE decision!
Peaceful Single Girl 
Adam's Eve
May 2, 2012
I was actually in this situation. My fiance and I spent much time in prayer together, we sought the advice of our mentors, pastors, our Bible fellowship leader, and friends (people who knew us and loved us and who could offer outside perspective); we spent time in the Word of God together, and we discussed what it would mean not to have the support of my family; we discussed our finances, our future plans, our reasons for getting married, how future children might be affected, where we would live, etc. We came to the conclusion that God was giving us the go-ahead to get married. We tried to be respectful to my family – we sent letters and stayed in contact over the phone with my family (it was long distance at the time since I was living back East), and I tried to involve them in the wedding plans. In the end, only my sister came to the wedding, and it hurt, but I was able to go home right before the wedding and tried to make amends with my mom and grandparents.
Now, over a year later, things are still awkward at times, but I do not regret our decision. I still want to honor my family, and give my parents and grandparents the respect they deserve. I try to include them in my life in every way I possibly can. My husband and I have made every effort to repair the breach, and thankfully, today, my relationship (and my husband’s) with my family is improving and healing. I believe this has actually strengthened my relationship with God and my family, and it certainly strengthened my relationship with my husband.
I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone as it can be very painful, especially if your fiance and your family are Christians. But I do believe this is the best possible, most godly response when your parents don’t approve and this is what I’d recommend to any young woman in this situation.
peacefulwife
May 2, 2012
Adam’s Eve,
Thank you SO much for sharing your story! I LOVE the way you and your husband handled such a complicated situation with tact, maturity, prayer and how you talked through all the ramifications before agreeing to get married without your family’s complete support. Thank you for sharing! I know that your experience is going to help guide other women who are facing a similar dilemma.
Adam's Eve
May 2, 2012
You’re welcome. This post was definitely something that is close to my heart. And I hope that my experience will help and comfort other women who are in the same situation.
future wife
November 14, 2012
I am currently in the same situation. My fiance is not as educated as me and my parents see this as a major challenge for us in future. My fiance has plans to advance his education as we go on and we have talked about it extensively.
I only pray that my parents keep an open mind and support us. I know when they get to know him better they will know why I made the decision I made.
It is very painful, but with God giving us strength and courage, we will pull through……..
peacefulwife
November 14, 2012
Future wife,
This is a really tough situation! Does your fiancé love Jesus more than anything in his life? That is going to be SUPER critical that he is willing to die to himself and live for Christ, submitting to His Word.
I will tell you that I have received MANY emails from wives who were in similar situations that you are describing – they got married thinking the husband was going to finish his college education after they married. And then, many times, the husbands did NOT finish their education and did not get a job and the wife ended up being the primary or sole bread winner.
Wives in that situation RESENT THE HANG out of their husbands. It is extremely difficult to respect a man who does not provide for the family or who expects you to completely provide AND do all the housework AND handle everything about the children.
Does that mean you shouldn’t marry him? Not necessarily. But does it mean you should realize what you are possibly getting yourself into? YES!
If you can accept your fiance as is right now even if he never went to school and you could accept the way he would be able to provide for you even if you got pregnant right away and then wanted to be home with your babies – then you are in great shape.
But if your future respect for your man is contingent upon him getting a college degree – please be very careful! You will not have a guarantee that it will happen. And then you will also maybe have his student loans on top of household expenses. It can be an extremely stressful situation when this happens.
So – I believe your parents are trying to look out for your best interests. Does that mean that this man is not a good fit for you? Not necessarily. He may be a very godly man who would be a fantastic leader and husband.
I pray that you will find a godly mentoring couple, or at least that you would find a godly older wife (probably one who has been married at least 15 years or more who is living out God’s design for marriage and respecting her husband and submitting to his leadership) and talk with her.
And really do some serious soul searching about God’s design for you as a wife, as a possible mother one day and as a woman. Make sure that you can accept the consequences of this choice. Once you make it. You are in a covenant and you will be commanded to respect this man and submit to his leadership even if he can’t or won’t get a job, even if you pay for everything, even if he stays home with the children and is sloppy with the housework…
Praying for God’s wisdom for you and for His direction! Let me know if you have any other concerns. 🙂
Ramona
November 29, 2012
I’m in the same situation with my mother. She is a devote Christian and hadn’t until Thanksgiving approve of my fiance. What humbled her I feel is her battle with pancreatic cancer. My family found out 3 months ago that she’s in stage 3 of cancer. I accepted his proposal roughly 3 weeks ago and due to my mother’s opinion I wanted to shun her from witnessing a wedding that she doesn’t approve of in her last days. However, Thanksgiving she gave me her consent and alluded to me that it was about my life and not hers. I am now faced with the challenge that she wants to be there (none of my other sisters are married; I’m the youngest) however my fiance is holding a grudge against her for her feelings. You see, biblically, they have differences. She is a Southern baptist. He doesn’t believe in religion at all and is more spiritual. She feels I do way more for him than he does for me. Ideally my mom wants me to marry someone stable with no kids. He has 3. When I told my fiance that my mother gave consent I wanted him to be happy and consider speeding up the wedding. But he feels indifferent saying that her condition has humbled her and is not willing to speed it up our wedding due to her condition. I really want my mom to witness our wedding but my fiance’s not ready to forgive. He feels I’m choosing my mom over him. I don’t want to live my life knowing that she died and I didn’t do more for her to witness the wedding. What do you think? In a way he has a valid point. I just wish he’d humble himself more and they make up.
peacefulwife
November 29, 2012
Ramona,
What a heart wrenching situation you are in!
First, I have a few questions for you to consider VERY carefully…
– Please keep in mind that pancreatic cancer is EXTREMELY deadly – the life expectancy with this form of cancer is often very short – you may not have a lot of time.
– Do you have a relationship with Christ? Is He your Savior and Lord? Is your goal to glorify Him above all else?
– Does your fiance have a relationship with Christ? Does he love Jesus more than he loves you?
Marriage is designed by God to represent the relationship between Christ and His church. Being married to an ungodly man is a SURE recipe for disappointment, resentment and an incredible amount of emotional and spiritual pain. Women expect their husbands to act like Jesus. They want their husbands to be patient, kind, loving, tender, selfless, forgiving, generous, faithful, good, self-controlled, protective and emotionally and spiritually intimate and engaged. Men who do not have a real relationship with Christ CANNOT act in these ways. They are living in their own power, the power of the sinful flesh. Apart from Christ – any husband will ultimately be selfish, unkind, impatient, unfaithful, passive or aggressive… It is only when a man wholeheartedly submits all of his own will to Christ and is empowered by His Spirit that he can be the kind of husband his wife truly needs.
– Is it possible that your mom may see some warning signs that you are not able to see? Is it possible she may have some wisdom about marriage and what is ahead for you with this man that you may have a hard time predicting from your perspective right now? Is it possible she is trying to protect you from great pain? I don’t know! I don’t know your fiance or your situation – but sometimes parents are able to see things that we can’t see when we are very in love. It would be wise to at least prayerfully consider her objections and seek God’s face about these things.
– How many times has he been married before?
– Having stepchildren and a blended family adds TREMENDOUS pressure and friction to a marriage. I would suggest you read all you can about this subject before agreeing to such a situation. There is a huge chance that the children would resent you and not accept you as a “mother.” If there mother is still alive – there will be MAJOR DRAMA with her about every little issue with the children. Your husband will still be in contact with his ex frequently – that creates much anxiety, jealousy and insecurity for many wives of blended families. When the children are with you, often the step-mother feels extremely jealous of the attention her husband gives to his children – especially daughters. And, it is very likely that you will disagree with your husband about how to discipline the children. Are you prepared to allow him to make the decisions and to allow him to lead even when you strongly disagree?
– I have concerns about your fiancé’s character with the wedding date issue. If he truly understands that your mother probably has a few months to live – and he doesn’t want to move up the wedding out of spite and unforgiveness – that does not bode well for the kinds of decisions he will make as the head of your marriage. I am definitely concerned. I understand he may not like that she did not approve of him. But a loving, godly man would have compassion on his dying future mother-in-law and his bride-to-be, in my opinion.
You are in a difficult situation. I pray that you will do some DEEP soul-searching about your life and your future and that you might lay down your own will and plans and dreams and seek God’s will and His plans and His best for you – even if it hurts right now.
If you decide to stay with your fiance, you will be able to tell him what you want (an earlier wedding – so your mom can be there) – but you can’t force him to move the wedding up. If you are able to cooperate with his decision WITHOUT RESENTING HIM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE – awesome. Let him set the wedding date and accept that your mom will likely not live to see it.
If you are going to resent the hang out of him because he refuses to try to work with your mom and her terminal illness – do not marry him. Resentment will destroy any relationship.
If you marry this man, you must be able to accept him completely as is and respect him even if he never changed at all. If you can respect him and admire him as-is, and you can honestly say that he loves Jesus way more than anything else in his life and you love Jesus more than anything else in your life and you can accept his leadership and not try to control him – then this may work.
Praying for great wisdom for all of you!
With love
Alyssa
January 29, 2013
Wow! Tears were streaming down my face as I was reading this. I’m also in a very tough situation right now. Let me tell you a little bit about myself first. I’m 22 years old, I came to Canada as an International student when I was 19. I’m from the Philippines. I grew up in a Christian home. My dad is a pastor. My mom is a mature Christian too. I’ve had past relationships with Christian guys but didn’t work out. Just a year ago, I met a Cuban divorced man (Eli) from where I worked. He was not a Christian at that time. But I still dated him even knowing Christians shouldn’t be yoked with unbelievers. We indulged ourselves into fornication. I wasn’t a mature Christian yet when it happened. But the Lord convicted me and disciplined me. He sent me back in my home country for me to renew my mind and focus on Him alone. I know He loved me so much that He didn’t want me to be in darkness for a long time. I was in the Philippines for 4 months and just recently got back here in Toronto. My parents disagree with my relationship with him from the very start. First of all, he is divorced 10 years ago. They are being legalistic about it that Eli should be either reconciled with his ex-wife or remain divorced forever. By the way, I have seen a major change in Eli’s life. The Lord is continually changing him. And I’d say he’s more passionate with the Lord now. We such had a difficult trial when we were far far away with each other. But during those times, the Lord was doing something to open up our eyes. We love each other so much but we were once enslaved to sin (fornication). We realized and proved that we really love each other when we were away a hundred thousand miles away even without having sex, we had a covenant before the Lord to be pure and save sex until marriage. I asked Eli if he would like to be reconciled with his ex-wife. He told me he doesn’t love her anymore and the fact that his ex-wife is a communist and doesn’t believe in God at all would totally be a disaster if it happens to remarry her again, he said. Secondly, my parents disapprove because of our age difference. I’m 22 and he’s 41 so there’s a 19 year gap there. But it doesn’t matter- we respect each other and love each other so much. We enjoy going to church and talking about the preaching after. We love to study God’s words. I’m very comfortable with him and never felt like this before. It’s like I’ve known this man for more than 10 years. I see all the qualities in him that I’m looking for in a husband. He’s got a 12 year old daughter in Cuba that he plans to bring to Canada in the future and I accept her with all my heart. He told me he would wait for me and would be patient enough. Everything is almost perfect except for one thing MISSING- PARENTS BLESSINGS. All they see is a divorced old man who wants a young beautiful woman for himself, for lust and for sex. My parents don’t know that I meet up with Eli once in a while because they would be totally disappointed. But I know the time is going to come I will have to tell them that I love this man and he is the man I’d like to be my husband. They don’t know his genuine heart, sadly. i GUESS IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD REPUTATION.I know they want the best for me – they’re actually expecting and looking for a very mature young professional rich Christian for me. Just the thought of dating another man makes me sick. We’ve gone through a lot of trials. Eli has been there for me through good and bad times. If he just wanted me for sex, he would of left me when I was back home. I remember my dad saying “Wait till your man takes home another woman to his bedroom”. That broke my heart into pieces. 😦 But Eli has been honest, faithful and patient with me throughout.
I remember my mom saying to me ” Alyssa, I would never ever accept Eli in my life until I die unless God tells me.”
Eli and I stumbled a long time ago. But the Lord forgave and cleansed us both. I believe God knows our desires and genuine hearts, it’s just really really painful right now.
peacefulwife
January 29, 2013
Alyssa,
I am so glad to hear from you! Thank you for sharing your story, your heart and your life with me.
Goodness. This is a painful situation. But I am glad you want to try to deal with it now – the longer you wait, the more difficult all of this will probably be.
As an almost 40 year old woman myself, and as a mother, and as a believer who believes in the Word of God as THE source of truth and spiritual authority…. I am going to gently share my perspective based on what you have told me. These are my opinions. I pray that God will make things clear to you, my precious sister, and that you might seek His will far above your own, and seek His wisdom and not depend on your own understanding.
WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT DIVORCE
There are two possible reasons that divorce is tolerated in the New Testament among Christians. One is for adultery (although there is debate about this – Hosea speaks to the fact that God desires reconciliation and can bring about healing even in these cases, and I have seen Him do just that in many situations) and the other is when an unbelieving spouse leaves (abandons) the believer. For believers, I believe that the Word of God does teach that:
– God HATES divorce (Malachi 2:16). Why? Because He desires godly offspring – and it is almost impossible for godly children to come out of the bitterness and ugliness and hatred of divorce.
– Marriage is a life long covenant. The purpose of marriage is to represent the relationship between Christ and His church to the world. A covenant is not to be broken until death. (Ephesians 5:22-33 is God’s design for marriage)
– Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” Matthew 5:32. So, please understand, that unless your husband divorced his wife for her adultery, you are committing adultery to marry him. That is what it appears to me Jesus is saying. That is not something to take lightly.
– “Haven’t you read,” Jesus replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Matthew 19:4-6
– Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Matthew 19:8-9
– To the married I give this command, (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. I Corinthians 7:10-11 (the verses after this describe that if an unbeliever leaves the believer, a believing spouse is not bound in such circumstances)
Eli was not a believer when he divorced. So I don’t think we can hold people to obedience to God’s Word when they aren’t believers.
But now he is a believer – he says. Right?
I don’t believe your parents are being legalistic. I believe they believe God’s Word. ANd I believe they see A LOT of huge red flags here and that they are attempting to protect you from what is very likely to be an extremely difficult, painful marriage. They can see down the road a lot farther than you can right now at 22 years of age.
I know that you love Eli. And I don’t doubt that he loves you. I cannot judge or decide what you should do.
But I would implore you to get on your face before God and be willing to seek His will, no matter what it is. If you really belong to Christ, you can let nothing and no one come between you and His will and your obedience to Him. I believe you will need to be willing to give up this relationship if that is God’s will for you – and it may be.
There are MANY, MANY extra difficulties in marrying a divorced man. He will have a ton of baggage, woundedness, pain and hurt and bad habits he will bring to the marriage. His daughter is very likely to be a huge source of contention. Many wives are extremely jealous of their husbands’ daughters and hate the time and attention their husbands give their daughters and resent the children greatly. Are you able to accept his fathering and parenting and not interfere? Are you able to be happy and joyful even if his daughter hates you and refuses to listen to you, talk to you, be your friend or acknowledge that you even exist? I don’t know how she will react, but that is a very common reaction.
Does Eli have a history of adultery? How many sexual partners has he had? He obviously has had sex with you outside of marriage. A man who will do that before marriage, tends to be much more willing to have sex outside of marriage after marriage, too – having affairs. Obviously, only God knows what the future would hold.
Does he have any addictions? How is his financial situation? What do you see in his life that says that he is living for God? Read Galatians 5:19-20 and see if you see any of those traits listed. Read Galatians 5:22, if he belongs to Christ, he will have those qualities on a daily basis.
Does he hate his ex? Has he forgiven her? Is he bitter and resentful?
How does he treat his parents? how does he treat his daughter? How does he treat his ex-wife?
If you are willing to accept the consequences that marrying him may be counted as adultery in God’s eyes, and may damage your relationship with Christ, and may destroy your relationship with your parents, and may have MANY, MANY more obstacles than a marriage with someone who wasn’t divorced and didn’t have a child already – you may be ready to do this.
But I beg you to count the cost. Find godly counsel – maybe a pastor or someone who knows the Bible and can give you godly wisdom. Pray and seek God’s glory and His will EVEN if it is not what you want. That will be the ultimate test right now. Is Eli an idol for you? Does he mean more to you than Jesus? If he is not an idol – you will be able to lay him on the altar and tell Jesus, “Not my will but Yours be done.” And you will be content with whatever Jesus’ will is. If you cannot accept that you may possibly need to give up the relationship with Eli – then I think you may be dealing with an idol. If you have your heart set on him more than Jesus, you are in trouble no matter what man you choose. Idolatry can’t bring contentment. It only brings disappointment, pain, anxiety, fear, worry, and death.
I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you that being married to a very strong, godly man with no baggage is DIFFICULT. And I can tell you that this road would be MUCH more difficult.
I can tell you that God has given you the parents He did to protect you, guide you and direct you. He may be trying to speak to you through their authority. Don’t ignore them. I know they aren’t saying what you want to hear. But they may have wisdom that you don’t have right now.
I would love to see you stop and really seek God before proceeding another step.
I’m here if you want to talk more. I am sure this is extremely painful – and it will be – no matter what you choose- there will be great pain. It is a no-win situation in some respects.
I want to see you have God’s will and His best for your life. And for Eli’s too! I am praying for wisdom for you both.
Much love, my precious sister in Christ!
Alyssa
January 29, 2013
Thank you for your response my sister in Christ. I don’t consider Eli as my idol. In fact, I have already given up to God my relationship with Eli when I was back home. But still, my feelings for him didn’t go away, but even became stronger. I even prayed to God to remove these feelings for him if he wasn’t for me. I honestly thought I would come back to Canada after 1 year. But God spoke to me I was ready to be back again to fulfill His purposes. I just feel like God is putting us back together- this time in godly and holy way- to start anew. I seek God every day for His Words and wisdom and I could say my relationship with Him is getting better and better every day. Eli is continually in the process of becoming like Christ. And I feel honoured to see him grow his relationship with Christ each day. God is teaching us MORE to be faithful and patient and to wait upon the Lord. We love the Lord and would do everything to honour and glorify His name. From time to time, I ask him if he has grudges or hatred against his ex-wife. He told me he as forgiven her for having another man, but is not desiring to be reconciled with her because he desires a mature Christian wife. I’m glad that Eli told me He would wait for my parent’s blessings because he knows that it is very essential in order for our marriage in the future to be blessed. I love, respect and honour my parents. I know they’re in very good terms with the Lord. They just don’t see the whole picture and our situation right now so I can’t blame them for being overprotective. Any pieces of advice would be much appreciated. God bless you and your family! 🙂
peacefulwife
January 29, 2013
Alyssa,
I am very glad to hear that you are seeking God first! That is the most important thing! 🙂
And I am very glad to hear that Eli is willing to wait for your parents’ blessing. If this is of God, He can definitely change your parents’ heart. 🙂
And I am glad that Eli is working on his relationship with Christ. That is wonderful. 🙂
This may require a good bit of waiting.
I have a post about that, and how important learning to wait on God is:
I would recommend doing your best to continue to honor your parents, and to prayerfully and carefully consider their wisdom. And to not rush this. Keep your eyes open to red flags now. It is easy for us to blind ourselves to a man’s faults when we are in love – but keep in mind that any faults he has now will be greatly magnified in marriage. Your will, too. The time to be critical is now – the time to be blind is later.
I would also recommend that you find a godly pastor who believes and preaches the Word to counsel you about what you are getting into so that you are sure you understand the ramifications of a decision like this.
Let me know how you are doing!
I’m here if you want to talk!
I am praying for you and Eli. 🙂
peacefulwife
February 15, 2013
Alyssa,
How are you??? 🙂
Alexandra
February 4, 2013
I am too in the situation:
Here is the back end.. My Fiance and , live in California and I have been together for 4years this March. He is a 34 year old computer engineer (originally from Africa, but has been here since he was five), and I am a 30 year old Marketing CEO (African American). Neither one of us has been married or have any kids. We met each other and instantly knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, We moved in with each other after 8 months together,, with my parents approval, and after 2 1/2 years of living together and building our relationship with God and each other, he asked for my hand from my dad, and we got engaged last March 3rd. Before asking my father for my hand, he informed his parents that he was going to marry me and they said do “what makes you happy”.
His family is very traditional, and his father is the Chief of their village back in Africa, His family consist of 4 boys and 2 girls. Both daughters are married to African America men, but none of the men are married. My fiance is the middle child that has done everything right and is the “Golden Child”, the one that they expect to carry on the traditions of the culture when they pass. However, this is what they expect but none of this has ever been communicated with my fiance.
My family consist of 2 boys 3 girls (i am the youngest), and none of us our married. My parents divorced when I was 10, and my dad is remarried to a wonderful women, who I adore.
In May of last year he went to them to let them know that we were ready to set a date, and they told him that they thought that he should take a step back and think about whether or not he wanted to truly do this, because they don’t think that I am right for him, So we asked his pastor back home what we needed to do and he said that “in order to start the dowry process, which is a tradition in his culture, you can not live with one another and she (me) would need to build a great relationship with your mother”. So we moved into different residence, and I started making it a point to have conversations with his mother. They were awkward and one sided because she is not much of a talker, but I continued to do so to make it “right”. We have had multiple conversations with his pastor and we have prayed to have Gods will be done. We have discussed what our family lifestyle will be. We have talked about making sure that our kids know his culture and understand the value. We have made sure that we were on the same page to confirm that this is exactly what we wanted to do. Therefore the decision that we made, which we feel was led by God, was to move forward in our lives and get married.
So this past New Year my fiance and I were talking and we wanted to enter the year on a positive note, since all of the joy of our engagement has been non existent, and talk with his parents letting them know our plans and what we wanted to do. They advised my fiance that he would need to fly solo back home to Wisconsin and speak with them about our plans. He bought the ticket and went away this weekend, and I just got off the phone with him and they told him that ” they have nothing against me, but I am not the right women for him”.
I am so confused and sadden by this we don’t know what to do, I am sorry if this is confusing for you to read, it’s 2am and I cant sleep and I need help to figure out what are next move is,
Help
peacefulwife
February 4, 2013
Alexandra,
You are both believers in Christ?
You are old enough now that you are no longer commanded by God to obey your parents. You are to honor your parents – and I believe you have both been doing that.
At this point, you may marry without their approval – their approval is not a biblical requirement. It would be NICE if they approved – but you have both apparently done everything you can to try to appease them.
Your choices are to get married without their approval and realize that the relationship with his parents (it is his parents who disapprove, correct?) may not be very good, or you can break off the relationship to please the parents.
In my view, you should do what you believe is right for the two of you – but you will need to be prepared for the alienation from that part of the family. If that idea is too painful, then don’t proceed with the marriage. But parents do not have any biblical rights to stop their adult children from marrying whomever they wish.
If you are both believers in Christ – you will have the strongest relationship with God and each other if you avoid sexual immorality and sin and live pure lives that honor God. That will give you the power of God’s Spirit to empower you to be the godly people He desires you to be. If you are holding on to any sin – God’s Spirit cannot fill you and strengthen you. So that is something to consider as well. Sex outside of marriage, even if it is to the man you will one day marry, can weaken the marriage later. So God gives us His commands about sex being only for marriage for our protection.
I don’t believe you are doing anything wrong by getting married. What does your fiance want to do?
If he is willing to marry you, understanding the rift that will occur in the family, and he is able to not resent you for that – then I believe you may have a strong enough foundation possibly for a good marriage. Especially if you are both willing to follow God’s design and commands for marriage.
Does that help?
Please let me know how you are doing! I pray for God to give you wisdom and for your lives to bring Him great glory!
Much love,
April
peacefulwife
February 15, 2013
Alexandra,
How are you doing?
together forever
February 12, 2013
Im facing the same situation where I have been extremely honest to my parents regarding my choices and desires.my guy is still studying while im working.he still has a year to go before he works.my parents met him and he even helped the family in some crisis.my family disapproved of him once they got to know of my alliance with him..they have problems with his background and other superficial reasons they state are enough for me to stay away from him.he believes in god.and believes that we have a future together.I have been praying a lot with him..as we want to marry each other ithe future. from he. Bbelieves bbfrom him..he believes in god..n believes
peacefulwife
February 13, 2013
I am so sorry – that would be extremely stressful! If you want to talk with me about it some more, I am here!
Jessie
April 26, 2013
Thankyou for sharing
peacefulwife
April 26, 2013
Jessie,
You are very welcome!
Trici
April 29, 2013
Hello,
Thank you for this post. I am in a similar condition but the particulars of my case are quite unique and would appreciate your advice. I have been a Christian (Jesus, is my personal Lord and Savior) since 8. I am almost 26yrs. My fiancé is 33 and is a Christian but is not as a mature Christian; like I am. We have dated for almost 3 years and him and my mom are friends; through me. However, whenever I bring up marriage, my mom says, that although he is a good person, she doesn’t approve him for me. The disturbing factor is that she won’t say what she doesn’t like about him. [My mom is a very mature committed Christian too who led me to Christ].
When he comes home, he always help us do any manly tasks that my mom asks him to do. Things like fixing electrical stuff and other manly jobs since there is no man in the house. (I lost my dad over one year ago). In my opinion, I think the issues she may have are:
1. His level of Spiritual commitment. Not as mature a Christian like I am.
2. Maybe the fact that he has an 8 year child (son). [This is the first thing my boyfriend shared with me right from the start our relationship and I am at peace with that fact].
3. The 3rd probable reason is may be because; I may have more education than him. I am currently doing a master’s degree…May be she has reservations on that. [However, he has an average paying job; I have been blessed to have a much more paying job which I got recently. Although, for the 1st half of our relationship, he was definitely getting more money than I was]. However, he still gets the bill and provides for me all the same; which I really appreciate.
Although, my mom is allowing us to continue with the marriage preparations, she says she doesn’t approve. I have not shared this with my boyfriend since I don’t want their relationship to be strained if in the end, she actually approves.
I dislike the fact that she is not happy for me and yet she won’t state the reasons why she approve of him; I don’t know how to approach this. It’s really eating away at my happiness. I love this man (with all the faults; I believe no one is 100% perfect). His family really likes me and gave their blessings. However, I respect my mom and would like her to be happy for me.
Please advise!!!
peacefulwife
April 29, 2013
Trici,
It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂
Can you tell me if he has any addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography), criminal history, STDs, serious debt, a psycho ex-wife who wants to kill him, a super dysfunctional family, a serious sin habit that he won’t give up, any mental health disorders, any history of violence, any history of infidelity, is he going to a cult?
You describe him as less mature. Why would you say that about him?
What makes you more mature spiritually than he is?
I believe that if your mom is going to tell you she doesn’t approve of your choice, that she ought to tell you the reasons she has. It seems cruel to me to tell her daughter only that she doesn’t approve without any facts or reasons why she has concerns. Does she know something about him that you don’t?
What did your dad think of him before he died?
When you look at the fruit of your boyfriend’s life, do you see a lot of fruit of the sinful nature (Galatians 5:19-21) or the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)?
What is the situation with your boyfriend’s son’s mother?
If you do marry and have children – is your boyfriend open to the idea of you going part time or staying home if you decide you want to do that – so you won’t be trapped working full time as a mother?
Do you respect him as a man right now? Is there anything you don’t respect?
Are you willing to allow him to be the leader in the marriage and are you willing to trust him to make the final decisions when you can’t agree on something, and trust God to lead you through him?
Do you try to control your boyfriend now?
Much love to you!
Trici
May 2, 2013
Hi peacefulwife,
Thank you so much for writing back. I feel my burden is much lighter, now that I shared with you. You are such a great inspiration! I landed on your blog when I googled Christian advise for a single girl. And I feel God is using you to reach out to me and so many other single girls around the world – I am from Africa.
Through answering the questions you asked me, I realize I feel at peace in this relationship. However, I also know that when a person is in love, sometimes their eyes get clouded. I pray that I get to do God’s will for my life –(I’ve learnt that from your posts). So, to answer the questions you asked;
1. Nooo! No addictions whatsoever, no criminal history or psycho ex-wife… Nothing of the sort.
2. I said “less mature” spiritually, because I’ve been saved almost all my life and I am involved in ministry at my local church. He accepted Christ about 5 years ago; but is not too a regular at fellowship with brethren. Sometimes I get concerned as to whether he will be able to lead the family in daily devotions and all those Christian things a husband is supposed to do
3. I don’t think my mom knows something about him that I don’t unless it is just mother instincts…or just fear of the unknown Well, honesty, I don’t know about that.
4. Sadly, my dad didn’t meet him before he died. In my culture, you only take a boyfriend to meet your parents once you are sure he is the man you are going to marry. At that time, I had not yet been proposed to. But, my fiancé has the qualities my dad asked me to look out for in a man. Am sure he would have liked him.
According to Galatians 5 reading, yes I do see some results of fruits of the Holy Spirit manifest in him.
My boyfriend’s son’s mother moved on. There is really no love relationship between them but he regularly sends money to take care of the child’s school and medical bills. He also gets to be with his son during all school holidays.
I feel that I respect him as a man right now and (after doing some reading on the topic-(thanks to your blog!) I am willing to trust God to lead me through him.
Much love to you too! I request that you pray to God on my behalf about this situation. Thank you ever so much. May God RICHLY bless you in every area of your life. You have been a blessing to me.
peacefulwife
May 2, 2013
Trici,
From what you are telling me, he sounds very responsible and trustworthy.
The “less mature” thing can get us in serious trouble. It is easy to assume that our men should lead us in daily devotions and initiate prayer with us daily. I actually have a few posts about these things.
I am much more interested that he has a personal relationship with God and that he is growing and seeking to know God more and wants to be a man of God than that he is doing daily devotions.
A godly leader means many things – sometimes we as women get a certain idea in our minds from the Christian culture – and we hold our men to standards that the Bible never even mentions. We have to be very careful with that! Part of becoming a strong leader is having the opportunity to do so. He will not start out as the most mature godly leader. But if he wants to learn and grow and seek God, that is the important thing. Then as you follow him and praise the good stuff and admire what he does well and have grace for him when he makes mistakes and trust God to work through him to lead you even when he sins and messes up, he will become a stronger and stronger leader and a more godly man.
our sky high expectations for men as spiritual leaders
Ways husbands lead that wives often don’t notice
Being a Good Follower
A prayer for the man in your life
It Can be Scary for our Men to Try to Lead us Sometimes
And I have a post about encouraging men to lead from a husband’s point of view coming out on my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com tomorrow! Check it out. 🙂
You can certainly privately ask your mom “I want to give you one final chance to tell me what it is you don’t approve of about my fiancé. If you don’t tell me, then I am going to stop worrying about your reasons and just enjoy my future groom and prepare happily for my marriage. If you do tell me, I will carefully consider what your concerns are and I will pray about it and seek godly counsel. Ultimately, I must do what I believe God desires me to do.”
Yes, I pray for God’s wisdom for you and your fiancé and mother. And I pray for you to bring great glory to God and to seek His will in every area of your life!
Concerned Mom
May 18, 2013
I love your advice and I desperately need it. My beautiful and intelligent 24 year old daughter has been in a relationship for the last 3 years with a man 27 years older than her. To make a long story short he has been divorced twice, arrested for beating up 1st wife, arrested 4 times for DWI, filed bankruptcy, owes the IRS back taxes, has a 28 year old daughter, and twin boys that are 21. He is a salesman that can’t keep a steady job. Last March he lost his job and moved in with my daughter in her one bedroom apartment. Everything he owns fits in one suitcase.
My daughter met him doing community theatre. She hid the relationship from us for a year. I discovered it by accident. My husband and I have pointed out all the negative factors in this relationship. This man has too much baggage, everything she is yet to do in life – he has already done. etc. Our daughter has a great job and is more educated than this man. Not once has she defended him or even tried to sing his praises. She has only stated that he is thoughtful and they have good conversations.
I obtained his police records and had her read them. She will not admit that he has a drinking problem, rather those were the four worst days of his life and he got caught drinking.. One police report stated that he was coming from a strip/swingers club. This didn’t seem to phase her at all. Neither did the police report that stated he beat his wife while she was holding the baby and his six year old daughter called 911. The report also stated they had numerous calls to this address and had already been in marriage counseling.
Every night since she was little I have prayed that her future husband would be growing up in a stable, loving, Christian home. I don’t feel that this man is the answer to my prayers. My daughter joined his church and attends services with him. He sings in the choir and she reads the readings. Of course no one at church knows his record and he is quite admired for his vocals. I would hope that their female minister would be concerned with this relationship. I wish my daughter would seek her council and be forthcoming with the facts. I pray non-stop that God will pour his holy spirit into her and give her Godly wisdom, revelation, and discernment.
She has disassociated herself with her old friends. Her social group is her theatre friends who have privately told me that they don’t approve but when they spoke to her she wouldn’t listen. Since he joined her theatre group, they share the same friends. I do have contact with her, I have tried to show her that we still love her. I recently discovered that she plans to marry him next year. With a heavy heart I ask myself what else can I do to stop this train wreck. Thanks for listening and sharing your advice.
peacefulwife
May 18, 2013
Concerned Mom,
I have a 6 year old daughter myself – and I share all of your concerns – with the additional concerns about the state of your daughter and this man’s relationship to Christ. 😦
No – this man is not a parents’ answer to prayer.
But here is the really tough truth- she is an adult now. I am afraid the more you try to convince her to leave him, the tighter she may hold on to him.
Her spiritual eyes are blind. She can’t open them and you can’t open them.
God definitely can open her eyes.
I pray that He will do that very soon, before she steps into a covenant with him. But if they are already intimate – things are already getting very complicated.
What kinds of guys has she dated before?
What does her dad think?
What is her relationship with her dad?
What is your relationship with Christ?
Let’s talk about this and pray and seek God’s will and His glory together!!
Question Girl
June 12, 2013
Hello,
My heart has been hurting these past week, here is my story. I am from a certain tribe in Nigeria. I was in a 3year relationship with a man from the same tribe. We prayed and made plans to be married but after a while, he started to change. The break-up (by him) was mean and painful. It left me confused and as bad as it was, I was able to move forward. I got councelling from a Pastor who advised me to pray for intense healing. It took months but I made it through. I realized that I did not ask God BEFORE I started dating that guy, I prayed AFTER we had started dating. So my feelings were already involved and it was hard to let go. Anyway, God healed my heart and I learned my lesson. I improved my relationship with God and focused on other parts of my life like involvement in church, my career, excersing and so forth.
About a year later, I met someone else; and we prayerfully and clearly defined our relationship before hand (lesson learned). We decided that it would be prayer and marriage focused and absolutely no sex! He is such a great person, loves me and always seems to thirst to know more about God. After a year of dating, we felt sure that marriage was in God’s plans for us and we decided to introduce each other to our parents. Now is when the issue started…my dad has refused to even meet him. You see, my guy is 2years younger than I am and although we are from the same country, he is from a differnt tribe. Apparently, my tribe and his tribe were in a war some hundreds of years ago and my dad is unwilling to get past it. I have met his mom, friends and a sibling…they have all been warm, friendly and kind towards me. It is so frustrating that my dad is so unwilling to even meet with him, my dad never once asked me about my guy’s faith, his character, his family background…the important things. My ex-boyfriend was from my tribe but look at how badly he hurt me?
What do I do? My guy is a man of integrity, he loves me and he loves God. This is not a decision that I made lightly, it was with prayer and fasting. I love my Dad but I have never come across a bible verse that says tribal difference should be a marriage deciding factor. I always thought my dad was a strong Christian but this is showing me otherwise. It is not my desire to marry without my dad, I want him at my wedding, I want his blessing and this is tearing me up inside.
My guy says that we should be patient and keep praying. He is hoping that we would eventually wear down my Dad. I am not so sure and I am getting even more depressed as time goes by. How long should we wait & pray? What if he never changes his mind?
peacefulwife
June 12, 2013
Question Girl,
Such a difficult situation!
How old are you?
Are you still under the authority of your father in your culture?
I personally love your man’s approach to be patient and keep praying. That is a wise man. 🙂 God may change your dad’s heart in ways that you never could.
If you are an adult – I believe you could marry this man even without your father’s permission. But – there may be severe consequences to a decision like that – your family not speaking to you, disowning you, etc. If you are not under your father’s authority any more, you could marry this man with the understanding that you are sacrificing your relationship with your father and that it may never be restored.
I don’t believe your father has biblical grounds for disapproving your choice.
But I would cooperate with your guy and seek God’s wisdom and leadership.
Much love to you!
I pray for God to make the way very clear for all of you and for unity in the family and for the strongholds of the enemy to be torn down!
seyi
September 26, 2013
Hello. I’m a young man of age 27. I am a Nigerian. I still live with my single mum. However she’s too controlling and wants to have a say in practically every decision I make in Life. When I say have a say. I mean she practically expects me to obey her guidance because she believes she knows better than me. If I don’t do what she says it becomes an issue. On different occasions I have being misled by her in the past but she still insists on being my guide. At age 27 I assume I am at the age of personal responsibility and I don’t need to depend on her for guidance anymore. Her suggestions are welcome but I believe I should still reserve my right to make my own decisions. Not so with her. Currently she is having issues with my relationship of 5 years.
I have being dating a God fearing lady for some time now. I must tell you that currently I treasure my relationship with Jesus above any other relationship and I have even told my girlfriend this. We indulged in foreplay earlier in our relationship which affected me spiritually. She understands such a lifestyle is not tolerable any longer. As a matter of fact I have decided we should never be alone in a house again. I am that passionate about putting Jesus first. To be honest I am even ready to end my relationship if at anytime I think my girlfriend deosn’t share the same committment I have with Christ or will discourage me rather than encourage me. No human relationship is more important than that which I have with God.
As for my mum. She is very immature spiritually. She is still ruled by her fears , insecurities, prejudices and biases . To be honest I don’t even think she’s really saved. Her relationship with God revolves around her praying to God to bless her children and provide for her financially. She still has sin in her life she doesn’t feel she needs to repent of or rather deems okay. All the issues she has against my girlfriend does not even have anything to do with the bible or character. It’s my girlfriends tribe, her background, stuff like that. The latest issue she has with my girlfriend is the fact that my girlfriend wants us to settle down soon . She is 25 years old. When I say soon, I mean latest April next year(2014). We have discussed it and we decided to work towards that. However my mum would not hear any of it. She believes my girlfriend is pressurizing me. My mum has this expectations of me has being very comfortable financially before getting married. She has these fears of a woman earning more than her son. Currently my girlfriend earns more than me but it has never being an issue between us. She supported me financially in different ways before I got this job I have. My girlfriend knows how much I earn and we are comfortable with starting from little. My mum would not hear any of it and has started antagonizing my girlfriend. To be honest I’m tired of trying to align my life to her expectations of me. I still depend on her for feeding and live in her house even though I’m working. I believe I am no longer under her authority and I’m just exhausted with her speaking into my life the way she pleases. Most of the things she says are not even godly advice but laden with prejudices and biases from her own experiences.
I’m really thinking it’s time I leave her house and go find somewhere to rent. The woman still sees me as a child not capable of making sound decisions. It’s so pathetic. All my life I’ve depended on her financially. She even sponsored my masters education. Currently I drive her car to work. Even the job I currently have was as a result of my mothers influence.To her it’s being all an investment in my life in order for her to have a free reign in my life. In telling me who to marry, how to live my life. Where to go for prayers(places i find questionable by the way).
I have never doubted he love for me. As a matter of fact I used to think I was so lucky to have a committed mother like this in my earlier years but sincerely her expectations of me her beginning to crush me. She wants to have an authoritative say in every single aspect of my life up to where I live, who I marry, what kind of job i do. I never imagined in my life a mother’s love could become this selfish. It’s almost I shouldn’t even have a say in my own personal affairs. It has to be as she guides and leads even at my age(27). She used to have a good relationship with my girlfriend because the girl went completely out of her way to please her. She practically bent over backwards just to win my mums approval. My girlfriend and my mum’s issues began the moment my girlfriend was not favorable with the idea of us living in the same compound(living in my mums land where she herself currently lives) as my mum. This was something my mum desired after I got married and I thought to do in order to please her and not let her feel lonely since she lives alone. I discussed this with my girlfriend but she wasn’t favorably disposed to the idea. I then informed my mum that it wasn’t agreeable since it wasn’t solely my interest I had to consider. This was the beginning of the antagonism with my girlfriend. Since then according to my mum she’s(mum) simply defending her interests. She even went as far as saying that she didn’t enjoy a marital life with a husband and that shouldn’t she enjoy a relationship with her son. It almost seems all the weight of her expectations from not having a good marriage she has placed on me. According to our culture the son’s house after he is married is the mothers house , she always says. My culture places so much emphasis on revering and respecting parents to the point I think a lot of parents abuse it. In my culture when I have personal dealings with my other siblings its almost imperative my mum is aware of it. These siblings are married adults by the way. I have decided to only make my self subject to the word of God and not culture and mens traditions. Some of the expectations of our culture back in Nigeria encourages so much interference from extended family in a person’s marriage and personal dealings. It’s so bad some cultures in my country even encourage mother inlaws to chase their daughter in laws away from their son’s marital home if the wife does not bear a child. It’s really disgusting. Whats most annoying is the fact that most people that uphold all this tribalism and cultural practices claim to be practicing christians. However when it comes to intercultural marriages then they forget their Christianity and kick against it.
According to my mum my girlfreind is acting as an hindrance to my success in life. She believes she is distracting me from focusing on getting a much more prosperous Job. To my mum my girlfriend is the enemy now. Even though I’ve clearly explained to her this is not the case and I haven’t even stopped applying for better jobs. She say’s I’m blind and every other person sees that I ought to be only thinking about getting a more prosperous Job rather than being considerate of my relationship in my decision making process pertaining to work and career . She even went as far as asking me if she is the only girl in the world.
Whatever action I choose to take. I just want to be sure I’m pleasing Christ. Several times people tell me the bible says I should honor my mother and father and obey them. That is the bible verse she always uses to support her excesses. Right now I’m not sure I desire her approval any longer of my relationship. I don’t think I even want her help any more financially. I don’t want to be under her authority any more. I do believe I shouldn’t even be under her authority at this stage in my life, but doesn’t the support I’m still receiving from her compromise that. I believe I should honor her by being available to help her domestically and even helping out financially,, and calling to make sure she is fine, but not obeying and conforming my life to her imperfect will and prejudices.
Please what is your scriptural advice in dealing with this matter.
peacefulwife
September 27, 2013
Seyi,
It is wonderful to meet you!
My heart breaks for you. This is a very difficult situation in any culture.
I live in America, so I am not at all acquainted with African culture or family expectations.
And, as a woman, I am hesitant to give men advice because scripture says that women are not to have authority over men in the church.
I can give you some observations that may be helpful. And I trust that God will give you wisdom about what to do. It sounds like you are very close to Christ – that is the most important thing! I love your heart for God. He is able to guide you every step of the way so that you can honor your mother and please God.
– God does command us to honor our parents. That is necessary all of our lives. But it is only children who are commanded to obey their parents. You are no longer a child. It seems to me that any emotionally and spiritually healthy 27 year old would prefer to be on his own financially. I can absolutely understand why you feel controlled and oppressed.
– There are several human God-given authorities – government, bosses, leaders at church, parents of children and husbands. Thankfully, our main purpose on this earth is to please God, not people. I have some Youtube videos about people pleasing and about ways that people try to control others that are sinful – being a martyr, manipulating with guilt and having unhealthy boundaries. We are to submit as believers to the God-given authorities over us. We are to love and honor all people as image bearers of God. But we do not answer to all people. We answer to God, and to a lesser degree – those in authority over us.
– I was a controlling wife. At the heart of my belief that I had to control others were some very sinful things:
– PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE – I thought I was always right and that I always knew better than my husband, and, honestly, I lived as if I knew better than God.
– IDOLATRY – I trusted SELF not God. I thought I trusted God, but I lived as if I was sovereign, not God, and as if everything was up to me and I had to make things work out “right” or it would be a disaster. I was anxious, fearful, worried, stressed out, overwhelmed and LONELY.
– I expected my husband to submit to me – and I expected God to submit to me. Again, not consciously, but that is how I lived.
– UNFORGIVENESS – I held on to bitterness as if I was too good to have to forgive. Really, I put myself above God there, too. God is perfect, and He forgives, but I thought I didn’t need to forgive and justified my unforgiveness and resentment.
Sometimes mothers put their children as idols in their hearts. Wives at times, make their husbands into idols. They expect their husband to be responsible for their happiness instead of being responsible for finding their own joy in Christ. I did that. But some moms do this with their children and make their goals for their children and having their children do what they want into idols that are more important to them than Christ. They think they HAVE to have these things in order to be happy. But this is HUGE SIN.
A controlling, disrespectful woman cannot see God’s sovereignty – only her fear and her responsibility. She does not realize she is being controlling or disrespectful – or she believes she is justified because she has SELF as an idol and expects everyone to submit to her as if she were god. She does not understand who she is and who God is. She thinks she can do the Holy Spirit’s job in other people. She must humble herself thousands of notches. She must exalt CHrist and learn about His sovereignty. Usually, a woman’s level of control and disrespect toward her husband (or grown son) is a tangible indicator of her level of reverence and submission to Christ.
A woman who is submitted fully to CHrist will have a gentle, peaceful spirit that does not give way to hysterical fear because she fully trusts God.
As long as you accept money from her – I believe that she will have power to control you.
I understand wanting to trash cultural wisdom and traditions and just honor Christ. I decided 5 years ago – when God showed me my sin – that I wanted to trash everything I thought I knew about being a godly woman, godly femininity, being a godly wife, marriage, masculinity, etc… and build from scratch on Christ and His Word alone – no matter what our culture said or who approved or disapproved. I just want to please Christ.
I can tell you – from dealing with hundreds of wives and from experience – if you marry, there will be HUGE tension between your mom and your wife unless your mom changes a lot.
I believe it will be extremely important to develop healthy boundaries.
You can go to my website http://www.peacefulwife.com and search the home page for Control and Boundaries, Playing the Martyr, Manipulating with Guilt and the Snare of People-pleasing if you would rather read instead of watch videos.
Praying for you to find the resources you need!
In Christ,
April
seyi
September 26, 2013
I’m sorry I do realize this blog is for women but I haven’t seen any for young men
seyi
September 28, 2013
Thank you. Much appreciated. I will visit your site to view the resources you recommended.
journal is for real
December 17, 2013
I want to comment from the mother’s angle. Last year, my daughter came to her father and I in tears. At twenty years of age, she asked if she could finish up her college work from home. We wanted her to stay at the Christian university she was at, but after she convinced us that she felt God was calling her to be at home and finish, we agreed. She has three younger brothers, and the youngest was two years old and she was extremely close to him. She also revealed (although for over a year, I had already guessed) that she was extremely attracted and in love with a man we all knew very well. Her father and I had actually both been praying about this man and how perfect he would be for our daughter. However, none of the three of us had known what the other was praying. She also had been convicted the Lord wanted to use her talents in our church and to be involved in leadership.
All of those things lined up. She found a roommate to fill her spot in the apartment, she was able to move all of her classes over the local college, and she was immediately plugged into the ministries she had prayed about. We were all still praying about the young man. BUT in the mean time, she got a little impatient waiting to see if there was returned interest. And, another young man took an interest in her.
At first, she wasn’t interested. She told me there was no way she would ever consider him and she really did love the first guy. He wasn’t spiritually mature. He always needed prompting in every area. He came from a very warped fundi cult like background. He wasn’t going to receive higher education. He didn’t seem to have an interest in being involved with ministry at church. His only interest truly involved working out. She felt sorry for him, but nothing more. But loneliness and impatience and young adult girls clinging to each others’ facebooks can play havoc on a brain. She gave in and went on a few dates…even though it meant she could just about kiss goodbye of attracting the other young man….both of the guys were roommates.
As she spent more and more time with choice number 2, we saw her begin to give up serving in ministries one by one. We saw that the boy never really wanted her to spend time around her family and if she spent time with him, they would never be around our family. We would ask open ended questions about how they were doing things they had done or places they had been but began being told it was none of our business. We noticed our daughter carried her phone on her person 24/7. After about four months, she gave up on her education in nursing and quit the program. She then began saying that wasn’t what she had ever wanted to do in the first place. Sunday through Saturday, almost all free time was spent with him. Curfews began being skipped. All we had was a midnight curfew and if she was going to be later to just please call. No big deal. I couldn’t get her to spend one on one time with me. We had always been close and now, she couldn’t spend time doing anything with me.
Fast forward to the middle of July when we found out she had failed a class for her nursing degree (she was an honor student) and had dropped out of the program. The boy had told us to mind our own business after church and we had told him, no…her car was ours as was her phone and she needed to come home with us until we got her education sorted out. Thankfully, the first young man that she had said she loved was there and convinced her to come home with us and she did listen to him.
However, in the middle of the night, the wrong guy she should not have been dating showed up while we were asleep and sneaked her out to his brother’s house. After about a month, we were able to convince her to come home. She could live there, we would continue giving her a job, and we would continue to fully pay for her education but she would have to work on her relationship with us and spend time with us and normalize her time and relationship with this boy. We didn’t give her a curfew. She moved back but nothing changed. As a matter of fact, Sunday through Saturday she would stay locked up in her room doing her classes online or watching movies and then leave in the late afternoon with him and not return home til 2, 3, or 4 in the morning.
During the week of Thanksgiving she said she had no intention of changing that and we told her that she had not kept to her part of the agreement made in August and we told her she was free to leave within ninety days. She said to give her til after Christmas. However, she moved out and in with his brother two weeks ago. She sent us a text with her engagement ring announcing she was engaged and thought we would at some point support them.
The outpouring of my fellow Believers during this time has been overwhelming. Many, many, many have told us how they feel no peace surrounding their relationship. Others have asked over and over again what has happened to my daughter. My daughter states she is completely at peace, but that is because if you question her relationship, she will walk away and shut the door or leave. I know she still has feelings for the first fellow. She has denied that, but if his name is mentioned she automatically has her ears perk up and I found on our computer that she had been looking at the facebooks of his past girlfriends.
We are so heartbroken for her knowing she truly loves the first guys but doesn’t feel like she is good enough and so has settled for someone else trying to convince herself that he is just fine. But he isn’t. He lies on a constant basis about his future and his achievements and has absolutely no respect for my husband.
Here’s the thing girls…even if your parents don’t have a legitimate reason to NOT like your guy, the guy should respect them enough to put the relationship on hold and go discuss their reasons with them. If he runs and badmouths them, he is really just in the relationship for himself and you will be the one having always to lead in the relationship. Marriage will NOT change him. Real men don’t run from these issues. If he tries to tell you your family doesn’t love you and they will never understand your relationship and only he understands you, IT IS A LIE. Even if you have the worst parents in the world, there are others friends, coworkers, teachers, etc…who do love you. He is NOT the only one. He is doing this because he knows he can’t match up to you and has severe issues. Even if he claims to be a Believer and can quote Scripture does not mean he is the one.
Also, get off facebook! Don’t look at your friends’ engagement, wedding, baby photos. Facebook isn’t real life! Don’t get hooked in comparing your real life with a very fake one on the internet! Look, I know you’re lonely. But look at what has happened to my daughter and heed the lesson. The right guy might be very close, you just may need to wait or send out a signal. We found out she actually did have a chance with the one she wanted she just didn’t know it.
peacefulwife
December 17, 2013
journalisforreal,
This is so heart breaking!
I pray for God to intervene.
And I wonder – would you consider allowing me to post this to maybe help some other young girls find their way?
journal is for real
December 17, 2013
Please feel free to post it as long as it isn’t on facebook. She and I are both on facebook as well as everyone else I’ve mentioned. I don’t want to embarrass her due to the privacy of the young man we feel she still has feelings for. God can work a miracle and open her eyes. I ask that everyone please pray that specifically. If we are to be married, as Believers that person helps us complete the purpose God has for us in this life and that is to glorify and bring others to His saving grace. If you choose the wrong person, it can reap devastating results.
journal is for real
December 17, 2013
Yes, you may post it. I pray others will benefit and that God can use this time in her life to make a difference for others. I just ask that is not go to Facebook at this time since everyone involved is on Facebook. God bless you!
peacefulwife
December 17, 2013
Journal Is For Real,
If there are details you would like me to change, or if you would prefer for me not to use it – I totally respect that. I don’t want to jeopardize any relationships or anyone’s privacy. 🙂
journal is for real
December 19, 2013
Please go ahead and use this…hoping it will save others this despair.
peacefulwife
December 19, 2013
Sure. Thank you!
peacefulwife
December 19, 2013
Thank you, Journal is for real!
Nia
January 1, 2014
Hi,
What to do when his parents don’t approve because I am 3 years older than him?
peacefulwife
January 1, 2014
Nia,
It’s great to hear from you!
How old are you? Is that the only issue? Have you been seeing this guy for some time? 🙂
Valencia
January 1, 2014
Happy New Year Peaceful Wife,
My situation is so messed up, I really do not know where to start. I am 42 and engaged. I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and this has made our relationship very stressful due to her unhappiness about the impending marriage. To give you a background: I have known my fiancé for 13 years and we have dated on and off. In the beginning he was not a Christian although he was raised as one. I continued in the relationship anyway in direct disobedience to God. It was one of those situations where I liked the challenge and every time we would break up (God would constantly convict me) I kept saying to myself, he’s not a Christian anyway so, he needed to go. He would always come back and I would always take him back. About 4 years ago now, I was really done. After years of back and forth, me wanting to be with him and him pulling away, I was exhausted and through. We broke up just like any other break up, but this time he changed. He began crying and begging me to come back. This man had NEVER been emotional before ever. I couldn’t understand it. I was so angry and through putting him before my relationship with God that I decided to tell him exactly how I wanted things to be, since for so long It had been all about his needs and wants. I told him I wanted a real commitment, I needed him to be more involved in my daughter’s life and meet my family, and the main thing that I just knew would make him leave me alone, was to tell him I needed him to start going to church. I told him I was ready to start putting God first in my life and needed a godly husband. I said all this knowing that he would say no and go away. Wouldn’t you know he agreed…to everything. He put a ring on my finger and started coming to church with me. He has even joined a bible study with me. OK fast forward to now and my dilemma. Now that he has really decided to step up and be all the man I have ever wanted, and he is that, he does everything for me, and is always trying to do whatever it takes to make me happy. I feel like God is convicting me to break up with him. My daughter does not like him, but the only reason she gives is that he is not her dad, we have had issues with him wanting so much of my time, and there is the issue of me questioning his Christian walk. See why this is messy? The bottom line is this, I have been seeking Godly counsel because I am not sure if I am walking in God’s will and if marriage is the right thing. I can’t tell if it is the stress I feel from my daughter, the feeling that his Christian walk may not be real, my fear of commitment (both my parents have been divorced and remarried twice) or God convicting me. How do I know what’s what? All the while I deal with this confusing, I am making him very unhappy because he is not sure if he is going to lose me. I truly apologize this is so long, but do you think you or anyone out there can help or relate?
Thank you
peacefulwife
January 2, 2014
Valencia,
It’s great to meet you!
Well… here is the dilemma that faces a woman when she insists on her man changing and he actually does what she wants. She can’t trust him and can’t respect him and can’t be sure if what he is doing is real or not. 😦
This is why it is often better for to have a man who refuses to change for a woman – and then, if he eventually changes in his own time – they both know that it is for real.
What is your relationship with Christ? What are the things that are most important to you in your life? What will it take for you to be content and happy with your life?
Have you been married before?
The only way you can really know if this is for real is to watch him over time.
Your daughter is probably not going to like any man other than her dad. That is going to be a complication you will have because of your situation. You also have a lot of scars from what happened with your own parents and a lot of trust issues from that, I am sure.
Does he have fruit of God’s Spirit in his life?
I Corinthians 13:4-8 kind of love
gentleness
patience
faithfulness
kindness
goodness
integrity
self-control
joy
peace
Does he want to be closer to God on his own? Does he long to obey and please Christ? What expectations do you have for him as a godly husband? What expectations does he have for himself and for you? What does he want from you? What does he expect from your daughter?
I believe you would BOTH need very wise, godly, biblical counsel before entering a marriage right now. The foundation is potentially shaky. It is possible that this could work. Is there a pastor or Christian counselor who knows you both that you can see?
Are you able to respect this man and follow his leadership and honor and biblically submit to him even if he never changes? Or, what if you marry him and he slacks off a lot of the spiritual looking things he was doing – what are you going to do then?
I’m glad to talk with you about these issues. This is important stuff!
I would actually love to use your story anonymously in a post – because this is almost always what happens when a woman insists a man change and then he does what she wants. She tends to lose respect for him.
I think it is possible that he could be sincere – but I would need a lot more information.
Ashleigh
January 15, 2014
Hi, my name is Ashleigh and I am 19. I have been a Christian since I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 5. My walk with God is very much church on Sunday, volunteering with the children’s ministry and praying now and again. I know I need to work harder in my relationship with God and have found this increasingly important as I entered my first relationship with a boy. He is 23 and we met in college. He wasn’t a Christian when I met him. He had many bad experiences with Christians and the church in his teenage years, one even resulting in a family member’s suicide and became pretty resentful of Christianity. We have been dating seriously for 10 months. I’ve always been serious about dating, waiting for someone whom I intend to marry. Also, I have always wanted to marry young. I started gently pushing towards him coming to church with me, and in short he has definitely changed his opinions. He is open to Christianity and we talk about our opinions often. We now pray together and read the bible together. I feel that he is helping me to better my relationship with God, answering his questions and praying consistently for him. I am very serious about him, as cliche as the story sounds. I just believe strongly in raising my future kids in a Christian home, where God is the centre of our lives and marriage. It takes time but I do have concerns. I know it is easier for him to pull me down, than for me to pull him up. But he is not resisting and is eager for me to show him more of my relationship with God. I so badly would love for our relationship to work but I have doubts about our married future. My parents are strong Christians and I have a close relationship with them, although they do not know he is not a Christian yet. This I know is wrong and it is a huge burden to carry. I desperately need Godly advice from a Godly woman who can look at this from an outside perspective. I am clinging onto the answer that he will become a Christian and we can live happily together in a relationship that God would approve of.
peacefulwife
January 15, 2014
Ashleigh,
It is WONDERFUL to meet you! 🙂
I think it is awesome that you are sharing Christ with this guy. Praise God that he is open to Christianity and is willing to talk about it with you.
I cannot possibly advise you to date this guy at this point – because that is clearly against God’s will for you as a believer in Christ. If he eventually does accept Christ and shows much fruit on his own and shows that he is truly interested in submitting his life fully to Christ without any prodding from you and he has a real life change – then, this may be something to consider in the distant future. But right now – you are playing with fire.
Please be honest with your parents. If they are strong Christians, they will do what is best for you and will lead you in the path that is right. They will protect you if there is danger -and that is a really good thing.
Desiring to marry a man who is not a believer is unwise. I know that it is hard to stop your feelings for him. But the longer you allow this to go on, the harder it will be to stop. I hear from many wives every day on http://www.peacefulwife.com who hoped their guy would change after they got married, or thought they could change their man – who are experiencing profound heartbreak on a daily basis right now because they are trying to raise children to be godly but their husbands are furious if they read a Bible story to their toddlers. It is an extremely painful road to walk to be married to an unbeliever.
I love the idea of marrying young. I married pretty young – sure wish I had been better prepared! But – I think marrying young is great – but – it must be in God’s will! And God’s will is for you to marry a man who is fully devoted to Christ.
Don’t allow your feelings for this guy right now to potentially destroy or harm your future marriage – which may not be with this man.
The key thing here is – are you willing to give him up if God calls you to do that? If you are not – then you are dealing with an idol. This guy may be an idol in your heart that you are putting above Christ if you are not willing to release him in obedience to God.
So – please set things right by being honest with your parents.
I am hopeful that you are not physically involved in this guy. That is going to make things infinitely more difficult and painful. But you have already given him your heart, it seems like.
Then, after you talk with your parents – pray and seek God above everything else. Find your contentment in Christ alone. If God desires you to marry this man – it is possible that it could happen, but you cannot force him to come to Christ. Hold these plans of yours very loosely and allow your parents to help you navigate this issue and cling to Christ, not to this guy and your plans and your feelings. Be sure that Jesus is the most important thing and that you seek to obey and love Him above all else – by a LONG shot.
Much love to you!
Ashleigh
January 16, 2014
Thank you so much. I have been praying for advice and direction, so I am so grateful for your words of wisdom. I suppose I knew the answer to this already, just needed to be told! It is going to be incredibly difficult but I have to believe in God’s plan for my life and his. God bless you and your husband!
peacefulwife
January 16, 2014
Ashleigh,
It will be difficult. But it is REALLY important to only cling to Christ and to let God handle the details with everything else, trusting His sovereignty, dying to yourself and seeking His will above your own. You will never regret trusting God my precious sister!!!!!
I’m here any time you want to talk!!!!!
Emily
January 27, 2014
I was just searching for a solution in regards to my situation with my family and friends not accepting my boyfriend of three years and here I am, relating to so many stories. Praise God for leading me here.. I am absolutely in love with my boyfriend. He loves Jesus just as much as he loves me. He has goals in is life and he is fulfilling them step by step. I fell in love with the fact that he gave me what I needed, but not what I wanted, which is a great thing! I can see myself marrying this man and him being a leader for our relationship, marriage, and in our future children’s lives.The only thing that’s blocking us from having a blessed wedding or marriage is our friends and family that do not support us. He doesn’t come from money and he had to start from the bottom and work his way up. Everybody that we confide in has told me that I am settling and my parents have even stated that he won’t financially provide for me, which is untrue. It seems as if no matter where we go, the world is trying to break us up. I cry hysterically at times because I love this man. We both come from different backgrounds and different cultures (I am Persian and he is white). I can sense why there would be such friction towards my family and our friends, but in all honesty, I don’t want to marry into money like everyone says I should. I feel as if that is unwise. I have so much respect for my boyfriend because he knows what it’s like to work hard for a check and what it’s like to start from the bottom. I feel as if I’m the only one that truly believes in our relationship. I truly believe that he will succeed. We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength and having God at the center of our relationship will make us prevail. I’m just scared of what my parents and friends will say when we get engaged..We both have goals and plans for our lives and we’re not being naïve by just getting married with no plan whatsoever. I thought my family would support the man I love, but it turns out, they just want me to marry into money, which is completely barbaric.
People don’t see our relationship as a blessing. They’re just too quick to judge. We attend church together, we read the bible together, we counsel one another, we encourage one another, we are each other’s support system, we laugh together, cry together, challenge one another, and we even set aside our differences and just love each other. Isn’t that considered as unconditional love? My parents are not of the Christian faith and I understand they want what’s best for me, but I would rather marry into love than marry into money that has no value in it. In a way, I yearn for the world to accept him. Even though that is a weakness, it hurts. I strongly believe that he and I will establish a solid foundation, serving the Lord, making a home, raising children, having good solid incomes to help us prosper, travel the world, helping the needy, etc.. And this man wants to do it all with me through Christ. My question is, if no one is believing in us, who is? How can we gain the life that we want if no one is there to support us? Please help!
GS
February 7, 2014
I was in a “waiting” stage until I could date my significant other, which were my parents’ as well as my own wishes. We only had about 2-3 more months. But recently, he has told me his parents will not give their blessing to our future relationship, and therefore we need to be in the “just friends” stage for a year-2 years. I want to respect him as the leader out of the two of us of this relationship and trust and respect his desicion, and I also want to respect his parents’ wishes. But I am hurt. He comes from a strong Christian home, and so do I, and I am still trying to wrap my mind around his parents’ wishes. We are both adults, but I always hoped I would honor his parents’ wishes no matter what. He also feels that maybe we are not ready for a relationship right now as well. He’s tried to think of a compromise and so have I, but because his parents are not even comfortable with what we are now, it makes things very difficult and I feel helpless. My parents’ opinion is that it may be damaging to what we have and feel if we wait, and to at least court when I am able. Our relationship is now going to be reduced to when we felt nothing for each other. I guess this would not be difficult if we weren’t best friends, but we are. I don’t know how to act to this. I don’t know what to do, I feel helpless and I feel like I have no alteratives. What should I do? How do I respond to this?
peacefulwife
February 8, 2014
GS,
Goodness. That would be very discouraging. Do you know what their objections are? How old are you both?
Praying for God’s wisdom and direction!
GS
February 8, 2014
Their objections were that they did not trust him in a relationship. This is especially discouraging because we have set so many boundaries (no over-communicating, physical boundaries) and he has always amazed me with his self-control. I’m trying to look at it from his parents’ perspective, because he is the youngest of the family as well as the youngest to have gotten into a relationship of any kind. I am almost 19, and he is 19. Our plan was to date for 3 1/2 years before engagement, but it scares me that none of those plans will take place at all. But God is faithful, just, and always knows what’s right, and I need to constantly remind myself of that and trust His will in whatever happens. Thank you for your prayers, they are so appreciated!
peacefulwife
February 8, 2014
GS,
Is it just because of his age?
I am so sorry things are so hard! Praying for wisdom and God’s best for all of you – you, this young man, and both families.