When a couple is having an argument – according to Dr. Emerson Eggerich in “Love and Respect” – she is most likely feeling unloved, and he is most likely feeling disrespected. Women tend to cry when they are feeling unloved, men tend to get angry when they are feeling disrespected. (Check out God’s design for the marriage relationship to see what God commands wives and husbands to do – Ephesians 5:22-33)
Bob Grant describes how a man’s emotions and especially anger can get VERY intense very quickly. And in “His Brain, Her Brain” by Dr. Walt Larimore M.D. – he gives us a glimpse into the anatomy of male and female brains. The female brain has MANY more connections between the two halves – which makes women much more able to connect words and feelings QUICKLY. We can spout out pages of words, emotions and connections and it can be difficult for men to keep up with us. Men can’t access their feelings very well. Most of them don’t like a waterfall of negative emotions – it’s scary! And it takes men on average about 8 hours to work through their thoughts and feelings after an emotional exchange where women usually can identify how they are feeling almost immediately. Another HUGE difference is that the limbic system in women (the center of emotions) is MUCH bigger than the limbic system in men – part of why women are so much more emotional, nurturing and sympathetic – and why we react with LOTS OF WORDS when we have negative emotions. And a man’s limbic system is more heavily connected to the spinal cord than a woman’s – which, along with testosterone levels, is why men tend to ACT OUT anger physically.
WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN IN MY RELATIONSHIP?
It means that your guy is wired to be a fierce, strong warrior. God wired him to react physically to a conflict. He is made to protect, defend, fight and battle with brute force if necessary. We girls must respect this. Bob Grant describes that a lion tamer knows that even though a lion has been trained, he is still a wild animal and that if the lion tamer provoked the lion, hitting him in the face, or grabbing his tail – the lion is still wild and dangerous and could attack.
Men are similar to that lion. Women must respect the inherent brute strength in a man and not purposely try to provoke them. A gentleman knows to never hit a lady. And there is NEVER an excuse for a guy to hit you. NEVER. But it is also your responsibility to treat your man with respect, realizing that he is stronger physically than you are and that he is built to fight. So it would be unwise to try to rile him up, try to tick him off, try to make him angry, try to get in his face in a confrontational posture with confrontational, angry sounding words, trying to force him to engage in a verbal battle or a physical fight with you. He will either try to shut down (to keep himself under control to protect you), fight you (for his honor) or leave (which would be an honorable thing to do rather than fight you, since you are a woman). He is attempting to act under the rules of respect, but he may be feeling that you are violating all the unwritten codes of masculine respect and he may not understand why his sweet girl is acting like an opponent, an enemy… it’s hard for him to know what to do with such conflicting information.
A godly, feminine woman doesn’t argue. She doesn’t have to. She doesn’t raise her voice. She says what she wants and how she feels plainly without manipulation, control or guilt. She accepts her man’s answers graciously. She speaks calmly, slowly, quietly… and when she has something MORE important to say – she may even just whisper it. She has self-control, peace, grace, poise and confidence. She knows her power and how to use it. And she knows there is no power in trying to battle against a man.
IF HE LEAVES/HANGS UP
He’s not going to listen to you if you are screaming at him. He is going to be trying to defend himself against your verbal attack. And since he can’t access his feelings and words as quickly as you can, it’s easy for him to feel like he is drowning in your intense storm of emotions and he may feel like he needs to escape. His blood pressure is probably through the roof. He is in survival mode. The escape is for two reasons:
- He needs to protect himself from what feels like a barrage of verbal bullets from you.
- He needs to protect YOU from his wiring – from his fierce anger. He knows if he lets it flare up, he may not be able to control it, and he could hurt you. He doesn’t want to do that.
WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO?
PLEASE, DO NOT FOLLOW HIM AROUND FROM ROOM TO ROOM OR CALL HIM BACK OR TEXT HIM. HE NEEDS SPACE!!!!! (I suppose there could be some rare exceptions to this, but you would need to REALLY know your man to know that behavior THIS confrontational would be safe or remotely effective with your guy. Normally it is unwise and disrespectful!)
If a girl was upset and stormed out of the room, she may feel unloved if her man didn’t follow her and check on her.
If he is shut down and you are very upset – calmly leave or politely say goodbye. You may say “Ouch!” “I’m very hurt.” “I’m so sad.” OR – “Did I do something disrespectful just now that upset you, Honey?” If he continues to not speak – give him some space and wait until he contacts you – that is my recommendation. Do not pressure him to talk. Men sometimes need time to process their emotions.
A guy leaves the room because HE NEEDS SPACE. To follow him, text him constantly, call him non-stop and to try to MAKE him have a discussion RIGHT NOW = disrespectful and counter-productive since he may need to think by himself for awhile to know what he is feeling and thinking.
Some things to do:
- calm down!!
- pray
- forgive him, take your hurt to God!!!!
- praise God, sing to Him
- serve others if you need something to do for a few days. Bake cookies for neighbors, visit a nursing home, volunteer to help with children or pets – keep yourself occuppied in pleasant ways as you pray and wait for God to work and ask God to help you in the forgiveness process.
- wait patiently – as long as it takes usually! If it is the next day or a few days – that’s ok. Wait on him to initiate calling you or visiting you. He will be curious why you aren’t calling him. He’ll have worked through his feelings. Eventually, if you give him long enough, he’ll start to miss you. He’ll start to feel guilty about how he treated you. He’ll start thinking about apologizing. IF YOU INTERRUPT THIS PROCESS – he won’t be ready to apologize yet! And he may be able to peg YOU as the wrong one and blame you for things not going well without taking responsibility for his own mistakes. I know this is HARD! WAITING when there has been conflict is HARD! It is torture! It seems unbearable! But things will probably turn out much better if you are able to let him process feelings than if you cram all your words down his throat before he is ready. That will just alienate him further, sweet girl!
- realize that when he has calmed down, he will contact you. Try to let him be the one to initiate contact. If he loves you and has feelings for you – it is extremely likely that he will call you. It just won’t be on your time table. You may have to be patient for several days – maybe longer – depending on the situation and the guy and your level of commitment.
- realize that while he is away, he is thinking and processing all of your emotions and words. He needs time to decide what to do and how he feels. When he’s ready, he will call you or come back. This process usually can’t be rushed. That’s why it is better NOT to argue and fight! Telling him your needs in positive, pleasant ways without arguing, yelling, name-calling or fighting gets MUCH BETTER results than losing control and going into battle mode.
- try to concentrate on some other things, and realize that things will probably be better in a few hours or a few days if you give him some space and time.
- understand that just because he left does not mean he hates you!!!! It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean you won’t reconcile later. It means he needed some space to think and breathe. It is a gracious gift to give him that space.
- Be ready to apologize for anything you did wrong during the heated exchange. “I am so sorry – I was really disrespectful.” “I am sorry that I lost my temper.” “I’m sorry that I yelled at you. You didn’t deserve that.” Don’t explain or justify, just apologize sincerely – once.
- Be ready to listen and really hear what he is saying. He may tell you something you did that hurt him. Don’t defend yourself. Apologize where you were wrong. Hear his heart. Really strain to listen to him and don’t be thinking so much about what you want to say. He has spent hours or days working through his emotions – what he is saying to you in this moment is CRITICAL! If you want things to work with this guy – this is the most important time to listen!
Lord,
Help us to learn to communicate without yelling, arguing, name-calling, cussing, character assassination or sin. Help us not dig things up from the distant past. Help us to see our own sin clearly and take responsibility for that. Help us to hear our guys’ hearts and be sensitive to their feelings and desires. Help us to be respectful even when we disagree or don’t get what we want.
Amen!
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Sad wife
September 24, 2012
Thank you for your advice My husband is out of town fishing. My car was overheating. He wanted to know what the temp gauge reAd so I asked if I could turn on the car(wondering if it would do more damage) he got disgusted with me asking that and asked why I called him if I’m not going to listen to him then came the all too familiar hang up. Any advice.
peacefulwife
September 24, 2012
Sad Wife,
I’m sorry things are tense! That is very frustrating and upsetting for a wife. I guess I have a few questions first. Is it possible you may have come across harshly or disrespectfully with your tone of voice or the way you asked the question? Men usually react like that when they are feeling disrespected. I am assuming that he has been feeling disrespected for quite a long time if he hangs up a lot like that. If you don’t need to go anywhere, I would just stay home right now and not call him – give him some time and space. If you do talk to him and you realize you could have come across disrespectfully, you could sincerely and humbly apologize for your disrespectful tone of voice/word choices – with NO explanation about WHY you were disrespectful. If you justify why you were – then you will owe him another apology. But I am assuming a lot here – so I think I will let you answer and give me a bit more detail – and then we’ll walk through more options.
peacefulwife
September 24, 2012
PS – have you seen my blog http://www.peacefulwife.com? YOu may want to check out my new video today. Also have some videos about respect and disrespect on my Peacefulwife Blog Facebook page that I think may be very helpful to help you identify disrespect (there is a lot more to it than most women realize) and talk about how to speak respectfully and ask for things respectfully. Hope to hear from you soon and we’ll talk some more and hash through this stuff!
Sad Wife
October 2, 2012
No i was not disrespectful to him. He starts fights with me all the time. I don’t argue back. He comes home in a bad mood almost every day. I could cook a full course meal, have a smile on my face and he will find something to pick on that i didn’t do that day. If he sees the milk out he gets mad, asking how long it has been out and gives me a lecture about milk spoilage. I feel like i am in a prison.
peacefulwife
October 2, 2012
Sad Wife,
What do you think is going on? Is he addicted to something? Does he have any mental disorders/depression/ADD/anxiety? Is he on medications that might be triggering anger? Is he in a really stressful job or not sleeping enough? Has he been this way your whole marriage? What seemed to trigger the behavior if it is new?
With love – I will add you to my prayer list!
Apr
Sad wife
October 2, 2012
Yes this way whole marriage 3 years just got slowly worse. Dated 4 years. No don’t think anything mental is going on but has admitted to pornography. I can’t say that I have never disrespected him though. He often puts me down and says things like “my life was better before I married your dumb___.” I have too read that love and respect book. I have prayed and tried and failed so many times. It’s hard not to be angry when I feel so deeply unloved by my husband. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel much for him because of all the cruel things he has said but I want to honor God and also I have a two year old with him. And I do believe that if things changed I could feel more for him again. I have other children though too from previous marriage. He treats them the same as me and they are older and do not have any respect for him because of this…the way he treats me and then. This causes a daily battle. My home has fallen apart I feel in the last seven years. I know some of it is my own fault for handling things the way I have. Every time I have tried to be respectful toward him it seems to make no difference and not able to stick with it very long…his cruel words make me feel defeated. He once said “oh…you started reading your bible again and now all if the sudden your a proverbs 31 woman” (sarcastically) and with so much anger. He is a Christian. I miss laughing and smiling.
peacefulwife
October 2, 2012
Sad Wife,
Please check out my http://www.peacefulwife.com blog and some of my videos from the past week or two. Then I want to hear how you are feeling and what you are thinking.
There is SO MUCH REASON FOR HOPE! Even if your husband doesn’t change right now – that’s ok. With God as your partner – He can do MIRACLES. I am proof!!!!! 🙂 I hope to hear from you very soon!
peacefulwife
October 3, 2012
Sad Wife,
The respect thing is going to have to be a long term commitment to God. Your husband will need to see it for MONTHS, maybe longer, before he believes it’s real. THAT will help him to change by God’s power.
I pray that God will work in your heart and give you wisdom about what to do on your side of the relationship, and help you depend on Him to meet your emotional and spiritual needs while you work on meeting your husbands needs until your husband is strong enough to be able to begin to love you back again. I know God can bring the laughter and joy back. But I believe this hinges on YOU obeying God no matter what your husband is or is not doing for you.
teacupdiamonds
January 4, 2013
My husband would ask me something and I would comment. But, When I comment no matter I nice I am choose my words carefully, it sometimes turns into an arguement. I try to talk he continues to cut me off. I get quiet he I say I do not have anything to say that’s an arguement so I try and talk he continues to interrupts me. He say I’m playing games then I’m confuse with the things he says because I do not yell I may get teary eyes because he cusses at me and say hurtful things. He tells me I never apologizes but When I do he says he tied of me apologizing. I apologize even When I know I didn’t do anything. My husband taken me through alot and I have forgiven HIM. I pray so many times and faught my marriage, and my husband ignores me When I mys ask simple questions. I do not yell nor cuss at HIM I talk rationally. My husband do not discuss with me about money he tells I’m suppose to trust and not ask questions I put money in the bank and I may use it to pay a bill I’m wrong for not telling HIM first. Whatever I do he finds away to BE mad at me sleep on the sofa. He will not allow me to voice how I feel I try and talk to HIM because I am all these wrongs I go and get help to talk my hurt out. I feel like he wants me to BE this bad wife and because I’m not he makes me out to BE one. so he thinks I’m not being real so it’s like he wants me to cuss at HIM and stand up to HIM but I tried to stand up to HIM. not cuss HIM he said I disrespect HIM and I’m trying to BE the man, I just ask HIM to stop treating me that way and stop talking to me like that and that he had one more time to keep doing it. If I’m mad and go in another room or something he never come see about me. it’s like he do not care at all If I make a stand and say God do not want us like this he gets mad at that my husband is a man of the cloth, he’s no stranger to God. Through all this up rose he wants me to say something positive God me to tell HIM everything going to BE alright but I’m the one he making feel it’s not alright he would tell it’s women that souls love to have HIM and would pack and leave I feel I need the encouragement I’m not saying harsh or bad things to HIM. We been married 12 years I caught 10 1/2 years he caught 1 year and tell me he’s not fighting any more he been going through this with me since We been together. My husband wants me quiet at all times no matter what he says about me If he says it that’s how he feel rather it’s the truth or not it’s how he feels and I’m not suppose to give an opinion on it. then he says I’m to opinionated how When I can’t have a opinion or say anything to him
peacefulwife
January 4, 2013
teacupdiamomds
I am so glad to hear from you! And so sorry for your pain. 😦 I have been working all day today – I hope to send you a real response in a few days. I am praying for your marriage and your relationship with Christ!
Much love to you!
Zelda
May 3, 2013
Been married for five years my husband had been stressing me when I complain he tells to go,we do things together but he doesn’t include me in the property papers, his family hurt me but he never protect me from them, he even expect me to cook for him when I’m not well, he’scriticizes everything I do or say, right now ben having sex issues he has sex dysfunctional problem but he does nothing about it, i ask him to buy me a washing machine coz I have a back problem but he’d rather give money to others in events n not buy the machine,I closed my shop just coz I refused to wash his underpants so he wouldn’t give me money, hurting thing is he’s so good to other women he’d sacrifice for others but not for me.all this its driving me crazy what should I do?
peacefulwife
May 4, 2013
Zelda,
Have you found my blog for wives http://www.peacefulwife.com?
Are you both believers in Christ?
I would love to talk with you about this. 🙂 We can walk through it together. aprilc@sc.rr.com
Adriana
May 15, 2013
It’s so unfair that I must give him space and I’m left to deal with my feelings all alone. Why isn’t their a halfway point couples can meet at to help the situation? If he flies off the handle all the time and needs his space – I am feeling lonely and depressed and unloved – while he is working through his emotions. Completely unfair 😦
peacefulwife
May 15, 2013
Adriana,
Ideally, the husband and wife would BOTH be seeking Christ and desiring to honor Him – and Jesus will use this kind of situation to stretch and grow both the husband and the wife. I am only addressing wives here. The thing is – as long as I am focused on what my husband “should do” I am a powerless victim. That is where I stayed stuck for almost 15 years in my own marriage. That is a sure path to misery!
So, YES, both guy and girl SHOULD be stretching and growing and reaching towards each other. THe woman should be learning to give her man space and time to think and sort through his emotions – understanding that he is a man and he thinks very differently from a woman. I have a number of posts on men’s emotions and how they think from last month you may want to check out – you can scroll through the titles at the top of my home page – PSG archives. And the man SHOULD be learning to give comfort, affirmation, reassurance of his love verbally to his girl.
If you are trying to find your happiness in life in this relationship -you are going to be constantly disappointed, I can PROMISE you that! I have been down that road, too.
As you learn to focus on Christ and make your life about Him being LORD and you become willing to surrender all that you are and all that you have to Him – seeking to obey Him, to know Him, to understand Him more – then you will not be putting your man up before God in your heart as an idol. Whenever we try to fill that God-sized hole in our souls with something else, even good things, we will be disappointed, discontent and dissatisfied.
But, if you take your eyes off of your man and your needs – and focus on Jesus, Who He is, His power, His holiness, His glory, His love for you – then you can find your purpose, identity, strength, dignity, acceptance, love and joy in Him alone. Then He will empower you to respond with the strength of His Spirit and give you supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
So then, no matter what your man does or does not do – you will have peace in your heart and you will be fine because you have Jesus. He is more than enough to satisfy our every longing.
Then you can love and respect your man because you love and respect CHrist – and when you are not idolizing your man, you are MUCH more attractive to him – and you will likely find that the relationship becomes much deeper and so much more healthy. But ultimately, the goal is to live with Christ as Lord, then He will give you the ability to handle your man, even when he sins or even when he is unloving or you feel ignored.
I hope that makes sense. Much love to you!
broken gal
June 15, 2013
My boyfriend and me arguing so much the last tw o months. he didnt see me for 2 months. and he said i keep complaining about him and dun trust him. and he rather spend time with his friends .he said our anniversary is a date now to him. he said he dont have the spirit to do anythng for me. besides he said he let me be a part of his life before which he nvr let anyone enter but now sorry if he cant. but he dun wan to break up .
broken gal
June 15, 2013
What if i really never going to be part of his life? he said dun wan to break up bt sorry if i cant be part of his life? it sounds so confusing. pls help me
peacefulwife
June 15, 2013
The best thing you can do is to wait for him to contact you, in my view. Then if he does, be friendly and brief. Don’t get super involved right away – only let him back into your life in little bits at a time. If you are too needy or desperate, that will turn him off.
The more you try to make him come back, the more you will repel him. But if you stop chasing him, that is the only thing that may make him curious enough to pursue you again. 🙂
Are either of you believers in Christ?
broken gal
June 16, 2013
Yes. i am a christian. i am deeply hurt and cannot overcome it. feel lik i am goin to go into depression.
peacefulwife
June 16, 2013
Is he also a Christian?
peacefulwife
June 16, 2013
Broken gal,
He does not want to break up? But he does not want to see you? Is that correct?
broken gal
June 16, 2013
And i dont understand how to be friendly and brief when talk to him? All i feel is abandonment and rejection and anger .
broken gal
June 16, 2013
Yes. My feelings like the girl above me. What do i get when he gt a few weeks of time? all i have is pain and hurt. he jz go silent and dont care about me
peacefulwife
June 16, 2013
Sometimes men need time and space to think and decide what they feel. If he is truly a godly man and you want to be with him, give him time and space and let him think without interfering with him.
The more you try to force him to be with you, you will come across as needy and smothering and that will repel him.
broken gal
June 17, 2013
So I just reply him when he text me and dont text him if he did not text me? just to give him space to think and process his feelings? What can i possibly do right now? just wait and wait?
peacefulwife
June 17, 2013
If you want him back, yes, waiting is the only thing that might possibly draw him closer to you.
If you try to make him come back and you contact him – when he is asking for space – you will make sure that he will not come back to you.
I would suggest working on your relationship with God right now, seeking Him first, desiring to know Him more and use this time to grow and work on you and seek His will in your life. 🙂
Bella Mia
September 24, 2013
hi Peaceful wife!:) Question…so what do I do after I pushed him away further by chasing and acting needy after his attention fades away, regardless of his words to say he loves me…..if I don’t call or text him and he makes brief contact via text…how would you respond? Im usually the one initiating everything and taking “the driver’s seat” if I could compare this analogy which describes the situation at best!
peacefulwife
September 24, 2013
Bella Mia,
Hi!!! 🙂
Well… I suggest that you wait and don’t contact him. The only exception would be to send a brief apology for your controlling, disrespectful behavior. If you want to do that – I’m glad to talk with you about some suggestions of how to handle it. 🙂 How serious was the relationship? What has he said about wanting to be together? Can you tell me a bit more about the relationship and how old you are, please?
Sad gal
December 17, 2013
Am really hurt,spent my weekend with my guy at her aunts place where there was a party.while going back home we met with the police,i got them arrested by talking ill to them.we spent the night at the cell and got out the following day.he is now mad at me and to make things worse my aunt got to know the whole truth i think she is mad at me and to my guy too,and now am my guy doesnt want to talk to me and blames me for everything.am feeling bad also dont know what to do
peacefulwife
December 17, 2013
Goodness, Sad gal!
What a mess. 😦
You were disrespectful to the police?
I would suggest apologizing to the police (without justifying yourself.) Just say, I was really wrong to be so disrespectful. I apologize.
And, apologize to your aunt and your guy. Take responsibility for what you did wrong and apologize without adding any “but” to the apology.
Just, “I should not have acted the way I did with the police. I was very wrong. I won’t do that again. I hope you can forgive me.”
Then give him some time – days, weeks – to cool down and let him decide what he thinks – is my suggestion.
Much love to you!
Megan Mcgee
January 8, 2014
I’m not a very religious or spiritual person persay. I stumbled on this article while trying to figure out why my husband always hangs up on me or leaves while in the middle of a fight. I’ve got to admit, the power hungry side of me was turned off at first by what i viewed as “submissive” suggestions. However, i love my husband dearly & my way clearly wasn’t working so i forced myself to read on. And I’m glad i did. I will start putting your suggestions in to effect immediately. God willing it will help us get back on a happier track. Thank you.
peacefulwife
January 8, 2014
Megan,
I know that our culture tells women to force our way and insist on on our rights and demand what we want and not back down. But, it sure doesn’t work well in marriage when we do that. :). Glad you kept reading. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you, you are always welcome here. 🙂