Administrative note:
I am taking an email vacation through January 6th. You are welcome to post comments on posts, but I would appreciate it if you can hold emails for me for a few weeks. Thank you for your patience and understanding! 🙂
This is a big question that is on the minds and hearts of MANY of my single sisters. The ungodly guys pursue Christian women often, and boldly, many times. But I hear over and over again that “The Christian men don’t ask us out.”
I have heard from a number of Christian single men on this issue. They are also more than welcome to share in the comments on this post if they would like to respectfully add to or clarify what I am going to share.
Here are some of the biggest reasons that Christian men don’t pursue Christian women today from my understanding:
- fear of rejection – This is HUGE. Especially if a man has approached a number of Christian women in the past and been rejected, eventually, some men may stop trying because the pain of feeling “rejected” and like a “failure” can be pretty overwhelming for a man.
- fear of humiliation – If a guy has gotten up the courage to ask women out in the past, and they didn’t just reject him, but publicly humiliated, made fun of and insulted him – a man can feel so wounded from an experience like that, that he gives up.
- they don’t see clear signals that a woman is approachable or interested in them – While I do prefer for men to do the asking out and women not to ask the men out generally, I also think it is very important for a woman to demonstrate to a man that she is interested in him so that he will see that it is worth the risk to ask her out or to approach her.
- in a single’s group or a church – a man may realize that if he has already asked one girl out, he can’t really just go on to the next girl to ask her out because it will cause problems in the group among the women. So – many men try to do the honorable thing and not ask any other women out after that point. They feel that it is not acceptable to approach any of the other women. They don’t want to cause hurt feelings. They don’t want to cause gossip. They don’t want to have to leave the church if things don’t work out or deal with how awkward things could be later – kind of like the policy that it is best not to date someone at work.
- they have been burned deeply before – If a man has dated several Christian women and other women left him when other men came along who had more money or “better looks” then he may begin to eventually conclude that all Christian women would treat him this way. I am not saying that all Christian women would do this same thing to him, but if that has been his experience over and over again, it is a powerful motivation not to pursue other Christian women again.
- many Christian men are watching the divorce scene – They see what is happening to their Christian brothers who married “good Christian women” and then years later, the wife divorced them for unbiblical reasons, took their children away, took almost all of their income away and heaped contempt on him. Some of these men have had their lives completely ruined, lost their careers, even ended up in jail when they couldn’t pay alimony/child support that in some cases is almost all of or more than their current income. Christian men are seeing that men are often getting the short end of the stick in divorce courts and that almost all of the rights go to the wife/mother. That is creating a good bit of trepidation in many men about the whole idea of marriage or pursuing marriage. As Christian single women, I believe it is going to be important for you to show men that you do not condone divorce, that it is not an option for you and that you understand that divorce is wrong for a wife to pursue even if she “feels unloved” or feels “unhappy” in the moment. It will be important to demonstrate that you understand that marriage is a covenant before God and that your commitment to Christ comes before your desire to seek your own happiness. You will need to prove that you will live by faith and obedience to God’s Word, not your emotions and feelings. Men need to see that today in light of all that is happening in Christian marriage.
- many Christian men have never seen a man lead in a godly way and have zero godly examples to follow in their families and in their circle of friends.
- I believe it is possible that many Christian men have been soaking in the same culture where women tend to take over and lead and dominate and that they aren’t used to leading or taking charge. Many men have very dominating mothers and passive fathers, so having a woman take charge may seem “normal.”
- For men without a godly father, their only examples of masculinity may have been abusive or men who leave or men who became passive and unplugged.
- I also think it is possible that Christian men have a lot more to lose if they are rejected by a Christian woman than an ungodly man would have. A Christian man is going to care about this girl’s feelings and about his future relationship with her and her friends (especially if they go to the same church or work together). He also has a much smaller group of women to choose from. An ungodly man can cast a wide net and may not particularly care who he catches. And, he probably doesn’t care about the girl’s feelings in the future or about her friends or any other long term consequences of his behavior on her life. He may not even be looking for someone to marry. A godly man wants to choose very carefully and be sure that he chooses wisely. He doesn’t want to waste his time and energy on a woman who does not honor Christ. He may want to be very sure of himself, the girl’s character and spiritual maturity and that he believes she could be receptive to him before he would approach her.
- Some of our brothers in Christ are wounded today in ways that unbelieving men are not. Some men hear church leaders teach that “men are more sinful than women” and “women are more holy than men.” This is not true! But sometimes men can feel beaten down when they are told that over and over again.
Peaceful Single Girl 
Carol
December 19, 2013
I think your understanding of the issues is dead-on. Interesting that each of those comes back to sin and the fall of man… None of these issues were designed by God, and none were present in the garden before the fall, but all can be traced back to some root sin. 😦 In particular I’m saddened by the whole culture of divorce and promiscuity that leads to broken families and the lack of fathers from whom boys learn how to be godly, leading men.
Even still, God is at work redeeming the world, and we can trust that eventually everything, including relationships, will reflect His glory-filled design!
peacefulwife
December 19, 2013
Carol,
Yes. The past few generations have veered farther and farther from God. We are reaping the results in every area of society. 😦
donalgraeme
December 19, 2013
This is a good list April. Very comprehensive.
One thing that I want to mention quickly is the importance of signaling. It really isn’t true that men initiate first, or are supposed to initiate first. Women do through signalling a willingness to be approached by a man, or men. And this is where a lot of women, Christian women especially, fail. They send out the wrong signals, and instead of demonstrating that they are willing to be approached, indicate that they want nothing to do with the Christian men around them.
Sister in Christ
December 19, 2013
Thanks! This rings very true to what I see in the guys I interact with.
jack
December 20, 2013
Lots of people talk about a soul mate.
Soul mates are made, not born. Inside every tree is a piece of furniture. Inside every rock is a sculpture. You need to start out with the correct raw materials for what you want, and then with Godly wisdom, begin to work. After several years, you will be well on your way to having the soul mate you want.
I think the best expectations are to find someone who is a true friend to you, and who you have some attraction, and is the kind of person who above all things, you desire to see be blessed by the Lord. Because as a husband or wife, that will be your job – to be a blessing to them.
One meaning of the word bless means to empower to success. To curse means to impede, or cause to fail. An unshakeable agape love for your spouse can help you weather most storms, and can also help you through the periods where you think you could have married someone who would have been a lot hotter-looking.
After all, I have not met many parents who would trade their children in for other, better-looking children.
Jason
December 20, 2013
As many of you know, I belong to a church that in general has more men than women (The Salvation Army) and the reason for this is because of it’s quasi-military structure….the most obvious and outward is wearing our distinctive uniform on Sundays and for all church / corps related activities. It is an open statement of telling all we meet that we have given ourselves to Christ Jesus, and do all of our works in His name. It also solves the issue of “what will I wearing to Holiness (church) on Sunday :-)” It does eliminate the “Sunday fashion parade” thing because all members must wear the uniform……visitors, guests, people who call our church their “home” church and the like do not have to wear a uniform. All are welcome, just as they are in your church as well! I am sure of this btw 🙂
Members (soldiers, like myself ) may marry from any denomination, but officers (pastors) can only marry another officer in The Salvation Army.
In my local Corps, we have many more men than women who are soldiers. The Salvation Army tends to also serve a population that is very street. Our Churches tend to be in the poorer, slummier neighborhoods of any given city. Many in our congregations are the homeless. The lost, the destitute, the mentally ill. The drug addict. The alcoholic. There are many Sunday services where many (sometimes a majority) might smell bad. Some might yell out profanities during the service. One person even became violent one Sunday (no one was hurt). We have accepted that church is not a “social club” it’s a daily walk with Christ, and following Him…no matter what your faith tradition, or denomination is…it is work. It isn’t easy. It’s a way of life. Christ never promised us riches, a spouse, children, or a comfortable living. He promised righteousness. He promised eternal life. He told us that IF we “loved” Him, we would follow him, and OBEY His Father’s commandments.
Few Christian women have this type calling to Christ. It’s a fact. The ones who do are already married, or have such high expectations of a man, that they want Christ Himself. A noble thing, and I admire her expectations, but no man can be Jesus. Many of the women who do stumble into our church are in a program, in the process of healing….and thus making them “off limits”
It was a struggle, my final earthly one. It was painful. There were tears involved. Anger and the pleading to God of “Lord! You don’t understand!” Peaceful knows this about me!
I finally accepted that Christ has given me the gift of celibacy. Something that I “ran” from for many, many years…….even before I was “Christian”
I agree with Peaceful’s points, and I can personally relate to most of them in my own walk with Christ. I pray for ALL my sisters in Christ (Catholic, Protestant) that they strive to encourage their brothers in Christ. I pray that they DO find a real godly man who can lead, and with her encouragement….really demonstrate that marriage is a sacrament and such a beautiful gift from God. I pray for all in Christ who are already married to really LIVE a marriage and use this blessing as an example to to encourage and help those who are single in Christ to be hopeful, positive, and a blessing to them. I pray for the forgiveness of ALL sins. I pray for a very blessed Christmas and New Year to all!
peacefulwife
December 20, 2013
Jason,
Thank you so much fro sharing your story!
If you are interested in writing – I’d love to feature a post about the blessings of celibacy.
Thank you for your love for Christ and for your brothers and sisters.
I praise God for all He is doing in your life and the way He is using you in His kingdom!
Jason
December 20, 2013
YES!!! I would be honored to write a post about this. Like all gifts from God, some have it and some do not. We not only have to listen carefully to the Holy Ghost, but we MUST use our gifts to glorify and not destroy! We ALL have such unique gifts that builds that sound foundation of a “rock” and “community of faith,” it is such an awesome and beautiful thing when everyone uses their gifts to not only glorify God, but to uplift each other when the proper time requires!
A church needs families. Marriage. It needs single people who are indeed called to this. It needs ALL of us. Christ needs ALL of us. He really does!!!
God really put this upon me when I met with a Catholic priest to discuss how he runs “singles ministry” in his local parish. We talked about celibacy, and that conversation made me understand my own life a bit more, and made me understand that I no longer needed to “run” from this, but praise Christ for this gift! It was a funny juxtoposition of us having coffee in his office. Me in a Salvationist uniform, and he in his priestly vestments. Something that probably would not have happened a generation or two ago…….
Believe me, to get to this point…..it was NOT easy. Also, just because a person is single does NOT mean they are called to a celibate life. It was a process. It was scales falling from my eyes, and it was a deeply beautiful thing to discover about myself. In too many ways throughout my life….this gift I had…I denied. Argued. Debated. Cussed. Hated. Viewed it as a “punishment” for things done in my own past.
Anyway……sorry to ramble….but……we are never too old to change our views. I pray that I can encourage singles to not give up if they are looking for a spouse, but to also guide and inspire if this very unique gift of celibacy is granted and bestowed.
Blessings to you and your family Peaceful!!!
Purple Tortoise
December 26, 2013
Another reason godly guys don’t pursue Christian women is that the woman is already in a relationship with an unsuitable man. Many Christian women seem to think that it is better to be in a bad relationship than to be alone. Godly guys don’t want to take another man’s woman, so they don’t pursue. So the Christian woman wastes her time with someone she will never marry and shuts herself off from meeting a man she could marry.
peacefulwife
December 27, 2013
Purple Tortoise,
This is a really important point! I appreciate your willingness to share this.
Purple Tortoise
January 3, 2014
If you don’t mind, I’ll provide some answers to the questions you asked Ben since they are related to my original comment.
First of all, I don’t think all Christian women are attracted to bad boys, strictly speaking. Bad boys are merely a subset of unbelieving men, or men who profess to be Christians but do not attend church regularly and do not appear to be living godly lives.
1. While some bad boys may actually desire to corrupt Christian woman, I think most unbelieving men like Christian women because they are generally more pleasant to be with than non-Christian women.
2. There’s a saying that I definitely believe is generally true: “Men get married hoping their wives won’t change, but they do. Women get married hoping their husbands will change, but they don’t.” Women should have no expectation of changing a man, especially by nagging. But in many cases, I think women don’t have much expectation that they will change a man. They just stay in a bad relationship or a relationship that can’t move to marriage because they think it is better than being alone or being with a less attractive (in an earthly sense) godly Christian man.
3. I think staying with an ungodly man is a waste of time at best and very destructive at worst, but I think this is obvious from Scripture. So why do Christian women do it? Because the women themselves are not godly, and they don’t have a heart to follow Christ. This may be hard to accept, but I think it is true and needs to be stated. When I became a believer, I immediately and forever more lost all romantic interest in unbelieving women — it would be like joining myself to a dead person. Jesus said we should judge according to fruit that comes from the state of our hearts. So if a professing Christian woman finds herself attracted to and in relationships with unbelieving men and even bad boys, and perhaps even offers physical intimacy to keep the relationship, what does that say about her heart? I’d say it shows that she does not have a genuine heart for Christ, no matter how much she is going to church and going to Bible studies. Offering wisdom is good, but even more I think we should call for these women to repent and make sure they are indeed going towards the narrow gate.
That being said, there is always hope. Even though I didn’t know her very well, I once told a woman, Christian brother to Christian sister, that she needed to break off a relationship with a nominal Christian man, if he was a Christian at all. I also told her she needed to go to the elders at her church and confess certain sins. Her parents and her friends never dared to say these things and just hoped things would turn out okay somehow. But this woman followed my counsel in every way and turned her life around to follow Christ whole-heartedly. After seeing the good spiritual fruit, I started pursuing her and then married her.
peacefulwife
January 3, 2014
Purple Tortoise,
Of course I don’t mind!
And – I would love to use your comment in a post, please! Thank you for sharing these life giving truths with women.
Purple Tortoise
January 3, 2014
Yes, you can use my comment in a post. I’ll add a clarification below.
The last paragraph of my previous comment might sound like a plot of a Christian romance novel — strong, handsome, attractive, and godly Christian man in church leadership loves a wayward Christian woman, leads her into deeper faith, and then marries her. But that’s not how it looked when it happened, and I don’t want any of your readers to develop romantic notions about how these things go. In reality it was a socially awkward, poorly dressed, nobody Christian man who had the audacity to tell a Christian woman that she was not doing right, and it was only by God’s grace that she repented rather rebuffing the man, as would have been very easy to do. And my wife-to-be found me neither attractive or unattractive initially. Instead she decided to give me a chance on the grounds that her prior relationships did not go well, so why not try something different? And as she got her spiritual life in better order, she appreciated more of my godly qualities and became more accepting of my social awkwardness, etc.
Writing this up has put in mind some ideas for what a Christian woman can do to increase her chances of finding a godly husband, and why my wife succeeded when so many other women don’t. Interested to hear?
peacefulwife
January 3, 2014
Purple Tortoise,
Thank you for clarifying – I really appreciate hearing more of your story.
And YES!!!! I absolutely would love to hear your ideas! I am all ears.
Purple Tortoise
January 5, 2014
Here are some ideas for increasing chances of finding a godly Christian husband.
1) Before looking for a wife, I carried out an honest self-reflection of my theological views and values, what sort of person I was, what sort of woman would make a good wife for me in particular, God’s calling for my life, and what sort of woman would best help me fulfill that calling. This provided me with a list of qualities to look for from the start so I wouldn’t end up wasting time and energy on women who would not be a good fit for me. Let me strongly emphasize that this was not a wish list for a dream wife, and I tried to be as realistic and as limited as possible. My list included both spiritual and earthly qualities and must-haves and would-be-nice-to-haves. I think it would be very helpful for women to do the same, albeit with the substitution of what sort of man’s calling could they help fulfill.
The result of this approach was that I went years and years without a date or a relationship because I did not find a woman who both fit what I was looking for and also reciprocated my romantic interest. Nevertheless, I still consider it a success because it kept me from wasted investments in women who would unsuitable spouses for me (though suitable for some other man). Was I too picky? Possibly, but I think I had a realistic list which did not include “highly physically attractive”, as might be expected for a picky man. And I’ve had ten years so far of happy marriage.
Contrast this to the approach my wife took before she met me. She dated and entered relationships on the basis of bare physical attractiveness and the mere fact that a man expressed interest in her. This resulted in a much larger fraction of time spent dating and in relationships than I experienced, but not surprisingly, it was not a good strategy for finding a godly husband. It’s too bad that so many Christian women seem to follow this strategy.
2) Since it was not easy to find someone who would be a good fit in the small churches and small Bible studies that I attended, I tried to cast a wide net. This included letting friends and trusted church acquaintances know that I was looking, formal matchmaking services, online dating, etc. I don’t view these as acts of desperation because I was not asking people to find any kind of woman who might be willing to marry me. People in the Bible used these sorts of practices to find a wife, and I think women should not shy away from letting the wider world know that they are available rather than leave things to chance meetings. I think some women miss out on meeting a godly man because they have an unrealistic expectation of how it will happen – natural and spontaneous, yet with a touch of drama, after which everything falls neatly into place, just like it does in novels and movies. When my wife met me, she had to make a conscious decision to go against her emotional expectations and go with godly reason, and the romantic feelings came later.
3) I have seen several friends fail to marry or marry poorly because they held out too long for a man whose attractiveness level was greater than their own qualities could draw as a marriage partner. The looks, status, wealth, charisma, etc. of a man who is willing to pursue you for a short-term relationship, often with the hope of physical intimacy, is greater than that of a man who is willing to pursue you for marriage. Some Christian women mistakenly calibrate their expectations for a godly Christian husband on the attractiveness level of the unbelieving men who are willing to have short-term relationships with them.
4) My wife was rather heavy as a teenager and young adult, but she lost weight and came down into the high end of the normal range shortly before I met her. If she had not done so, she would not have gotten onto my radar screen. Although certainly not the only factor, Christian women who are substantially overweight would increase their chance of being pursued by a godly man if they lost some weight.
peacefulwife
January 5, 2014
Purple Tortoise,
Thank you very much for sharing! This is helpful. 🙂
How would you like me to refer to you in the post?
Purple Tortoise
January 5, 2014
Would “Purple Tortoise” be too awkward?
peacefulwife
January 6, 2014
I can do that! 🙂
Ben
January 1, 2014
Hello I have no idea how I stumbled across this article but since I keep getting rejected by women of God who are religious I need answers or I’m searching for answers.I’m an attractive hispanic male hard worker intelligent but godly.very respectful, kind, humble, selfless, noble…girls at church dont seem to want to go out with me.they find ways to ignore me.they seem to go out with badboy thugs.one I asked out one yr ago turned me down now shes pregnant hurt n was abused by that guy she dated.he was a loser.drug addict.christian girls say they love christ want a nice guy but in my 2 years in church I found out they go for the badboy jerks.I have seen with my eyes.I guess being nice and godly will not help u get a godly wife.no.my sister in law told me her friends are christian girls who live two lives.party drugs and sex.their parents dont even know that lifestyle of theirs.they play the church part flawlessly.I dont think its going to change.sometimes I ask jesus to come to earth soon so all this injustice n stuff will come to light n people feel ashamed.I want to be a genuine christian but I have seen its unpopular n especially getting a godly wife.I have better chance with the worldly girls.but my christian teacher buddies tell me to wait n not go look for worldly girl.when I wasnt christian I had no problems dating cause I was a badboy member of organized crime which I had ladies all the time.but I changed I found christ.I dont want to be part of a crime family no more.I want Gods family.my church buddy hooked me up with a godly woman she seems sweet and genuine she went out with me but now she ignores me.she doesnt accept my calls or texts.no explanation.I treated her with kindness respect chivalry.opened doors for her.never made an unappropriate move.shes gone but why? She will be the 5th christian girl to turn me down.2 christian catholic girls have found me interesting but I couldnt cause I’m bible christian and they wanted to marry through their church.I’m nondenomination evangelical born again christian.catholics are my bros n sisters in christ but its lil different.hopefully I will find a godly woman who trully follows christ with all her heart.
peacefulwife
January 1, 2014
Ben,
This breaks my heart!
Unfortunately, I have heard almost the same thing from a number of Christian men. 😦 So – I don’t think it is just you.
I am concerned that there are many women who claim Christ but may not be living for Him with complete devotion, and not obeying Him, not full of His Spirit. A girl who is full of God’s Spirit and completely submitted to Him will desire a man who is also completely submitted to Christ and living for Him.
I have a post that you may find interesting – Why Don’t Godly Guys Pursue Christian Women?
I pray for God’s wisdom and His will for you! It is very difficult to find a truly godly girl today. But there is a remnant. I praise God you have turned to Christ! I would love to hear more about your perspective.
Ben
January 1, 2014
Hello mrs I want to be satisfied with christ alone but deep down I desire companionship.today I went to grocery store women kinda find me attractive I can tell.but I’m being wise I can be pulled back I know where I come from.I dont drink I dont party I dont smoke I exercise and take care of myself.I used to smoke one pack a cigarettes a day.I am a complete new person.I desire to help and do good.micah chapter 6:8.I love that scripture.there’s nothing we can do.christian women will always fall for the ungodly guys unless she’s wise and controls her subconcious voices.you see its like the saying home cooked foods are better but people love fast food which hurt us.I was thinking maybe if I integegrate some badboy cocky style I can attract a godly woman.when I was walking in sin I treated girls wrong guess what they found that irresistible.I had an attitude i could careless of what she thought of me tthere’s more girls etc…my problem is not with women I can go out and find one, but my church buddies warn me that it would be unwise since they know where I come from.my only hope is to wait on a real godly woman to notice me.I know she would be blessed to have me.I’m a great person.I want to make a difference in this dark world.I really want to imitate christ.I want to tell people and kids the dangers of ganglife and drugs and bullying and sex.that one day God will dwell with us in his new heaven.I dont want to lose this opportunity to serve christ that’s why I avoid people places things.my only heartache is the christians look at how they are they seem holy but know them and its a front they are selfish and materialistic and choose whom they want as friends.dont get me wrong there’s genuine christians but are rare.
peacefulwife
January 2, 2014
Ben,
Desiring companionship and a godly wife is a good thing. That is not wrong. As long as the desire is in its proper place and does not become more important than Christ – that is a godly desire.
PRAISE GOD for what He has done in your life! THAT IS AWESOME!
I think that you are on to something – I like your comparison with fast foods vs healthy foods. There is an attractiveness about a man who is confident and who is not needy or overly accommodating to a woman. That is one issue. And ungodly men have an advantage with carnal women in that the ungodly men don’t care about the women’s feelings or what happens to her in the future – which can make him seem very attractive and confident. Sometimes it can be difficult for women to differentiate between confidence/godly leadership and cockiness. (Godly Attraction VS Worldly Attraction)
Another issue is that there are few genuine Christians even in the church today, sadly. 😦 But – a woman who is truly seeking Christ and full of God’s Spirit – I believe would be able to see your heart and would be attracted to your heart for Christ.
I would actually love to “interview” you and share your perspective in a post. I think that you have some extremely valuable insights to share with your sisters in Christ – especially considering your background compared to where you are today and the contrast in the way you have treated women and the way women have responded to you.
What I desire for you is a truly godly woman who will honor you, respect you and cooperate with your God-given leadership in marriage.
Christian women today have been greatly poisoned by our ungodly culture – even in the church. We have unknowingly swallowed so many lies about what it means to be a woman or a man, what marriage is, what romance is supposed to be about, what masculinity is, what femininity is, what family should be. It is my prayer that God would raise up many women in His church to expose the lies that we as women have embraced and that He might help us to declare truth to our sisters so that we can uphold godly femininity, godly masculinity, God’s design for marriage and living in total submission to Christ as the only way a real believer in Christ can live – abiding in Him and being full of His power, dying to self, etc.
I can’t wait to see what God has in store for your life, my precious brother!
Ben
January 2, 2014
Hello mrs and thank you for the advice I will sure respond to any question you would like an answer to.with everything I say I am being honest and sincere and I want to be truthful.inmy bad days I saw many things things I’m ashamed of I think about why nice decent girls are so unwise so foolish to hang out with badboys.this is an example one time some friends took some girls to another friends house they looked nice you could tell they were from good families and upper class.they had no buisness there.but they were enjoying themselves but you see it was a house where there was guns drugs and a bunch of crazy mexican guys.those girls would do anything we told them to do.why? I think about that now and I wonder why those nice girls didnt pick christian guys or college guys or just good guys.I have seen nice girls lose interest to keep living because of a badboy she was in love with.I will share this true story my friend who is still a badboy met a nice girl who had a career own home college grad.they hit it off.she falls in love with my friend.hes a heroin user drugs alcohol gangmembership.but shes head over heels for him.he starts stealing from her abusing her burned her car down broke bunch of cell phones of hers just lived off her.but she still was obsessed with my friend.finally my friend commits a double murder and gets life in prison.shes alone now destressed and bitter.I heard she parties a lot and clubs a lot just doesnt care no more.she was a college grad nice girl with a carreer.she fell for a badboy and look at the results her life is turned upside down.if she woulda been wise and chose a good guy or genuine godly guy she would of fared better.all I can say its just a cycle with unwise women.they fall for badboys get abused and burned they finally opened their eyes and its too late their lives done damaged.now those same women tell their daughters and nieces and granddaughters to pick men wisely and to watch out for badboys.those girls wont take advice and will also fall for the badboy they open their eyes but its too late.they also tell their daughters, nieces, grandkids etc…etc…its a cycle.I do hope I will meet a genuine christian girl who loves christ and has a heart for people.
peacefulwife
January 3, 2014
Ben,
Wow. Such self-destructive behavior. It is like the “bad boys” have some kind of addictive effect on these women, a very magnetic pull.
So true – these women are unwise and don’t realize it.
I hope to have a chance to ask you some questions later!
That is my prayer for you, too, Ben. Someone with whom you can powerfully minister together for God’s kingdom.
peacefulwife
January 3, 2014
Ben,
Ok, so I have a few questions to start out with…
1. Can you please describe the motives of the “badboys” when it comes to Christian women or “nice decent girls”?
2. Many Christian women think, “I can change him!” I’d love to hear what you have to say about that.
3. What wisdom do you have to share with your sisters in Christ about badboys and the destruction that awaits them on that path?
Thank you so much!
Ben
January 3, 2014
Hello mrs peaceful single girl, I just got back from my bible class which I’m new there.I find the brothers and sisters there hungry for christ.thats what I love to see bros and sisters hungry for christ.to answer your first question when I was walking in darkness I didnt know much about christian women or christ so I never heard friends or myself preying on godly women.about decent girls (which maybe some coulda been christian protestants or christian catholics) well the only motive was sex, sex and they had to be attractive.it was all a show to other gangs and people our gang rode with style.some girls also were used for criminal activities.they were just being used its all selfish motives girls fall for that smooth talk.your second question christian women think they can change him.well as much as I like psychology I like to know why people act or do what they do.imno psychologists but I’m sure street smart.christian women think they can change the guy because their head over heels or immensely attracted to the guy.their blinded by love they cant get past that.no matter what you tell them no amount of talk or counsel will change their minds.even after abuse and neglect theyll stiill think they can change him.their blind mrs.only when its too late they accept reality.when she meets the guy and find him attractive she falls for him and time passes and he starts abusing her and she finally says I’m leaving him he’s changed I’m leaving him.but in reality he’s never changed since she met him he was the same jerk its just that she felt that attractivness and didn’t want to see clearly.your third question the wisdom I can share of me once being what I was I was not part of a street gang.no I was part of organized crime it was no game but by the grace of God I’m walking a new path which I’m going on 3 years I have a career now my own place free from drugs and alcohol and crime.I help out in ministries I was involved in building 200 homes and few buisness shops for needy people in mexico.feeding the poor and in a ministry to build a fish pond for needy people in honduras on top of a mountain which those people live up there.I sponser one child in india and I want to see how jesus sees.I feel I’m too much of a nice guy too hearted too humble too noble that’s why christian women reject me.back to the question my advice is watch out who you date.make sure he’s a genuine godly man.by their fruits you shall know them.take time to know them.and please don’t fall for the badboys.only trouble and headaches await you witg one of those guys.they’ll end up in prison youll end up alone and with children.open your eyes and be wise.not all people who say their christians are christians.look for the genuine.God bless.
peacefulwife
January 4, 2014
Ben,
Thank you for sharing! I appreciate your perspective. Would you allow me to create a post from your comments? I can use your name or make it anonymous. 🙂
Thank you for your heart for God now. I’m so glad He changed you. 🙂 May He use you for His purposes and to reach many for the kingdom.
peacefulwife
January 5, 2014
Ben,
Would you prefer for me to use your first name, or to be anonymous on the post? Thank you so much for sharing! I appreciate the wisdom you have to offer to your sisters in Christ.
Guy
January 2, 2014
Amen, and I have been burned before by Christian women. I suppose I am not manly, but I do not even have enough money to even think of pursuing at this point. I have a lot of issues and anger as well. I also suffer from depression.
peacefulwife
January 2, 2014
Guy,
I am so sorry to hear about how difficult things have been. Praying for God to give you His power, wisdom and strength to overcome the strongholds that bind you and to bring the greatest possible glory to Christ in your life.
I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you, my brother!
JC
January 2, 2014
I love you man! 😀
Whether or not you feel it’s time to try and get a girlfriend (likewise, I’ve opted out on that for the foreseeable future too) I hope you can find your romance out of pursuing God as one of His cherished sons! 😉 God our Father can raise us to be big and strong while we keep our focus on Him as His little children!
jack
January 5, 2014
Same old story, and the reason I left the Church. I have more success with unsaved women, and in general, they are more mature and gracious when they turn you down for a date.
There is something infecting the Church that is causing this, I’m not quite sure what. I do think that the Church has a hard time letting the women see themselves as equally sinful to the men, which causes them to feel much more superior.
Also, the “Jesus is my boyfriend” attitude justifies rejecting all men except “perfect” ones.
As I have said repeatedly, I have generally been treated worse by Christian women than secular women.
What can be done? Well, the good girls need to speak up when they see men being disrespected. The good girls need to call out the arrogant girls on their attitude.
Only women can enforce on women.
Ben
January 5, 2014
Hello mrs yes you can post what I said if it will help someone post it.if it can help one in one million persons post it.you can put my name I dont need to be anonymous I’m a man with big gonads a lot of men envy my fearlessness.Don’t get me wrong I still have fears but its not fear of people or peoples opinions, other peoples opinions are none of my buisness.sorry but I still have my cockiness.I always thought the world of christianity was going to be about people living or trying to live like christ.I was going to see brotherhood n sisterhood.love and commpassion within the body of christ.But alas I was surprised to see christians living like worldly people.I have seen what christians are capable of.a few times I have been wanting to quit this path cause of other christians.tell me where are the legitimate ones.look at me I have lived that hard life and you can see my genuines you could tell I’m trying.most of the christians I’ve met live two lives.sometimes I want to get them by the throat and tell them why why do you still come to church especially women who post love commpassion christ blah blah blah then are doing opposite.even though in the gang I was in I did feel more appreciate it more loved…more liked more friends who would come looking for me etc…you should see what I have seen within christianity here in my city you would be surprised.disgusted.I try my best to be genuine and your treated as a person with a disease.christian women well they are living like if church is just a game a social gathering they dont date christian men they club they gossip they pick whos worthy to be their friends.its mostly materialistic.vanity.believe me I have some on facebook.do you want to know the truth worldly friends look out for me n ask me to join them or engage me more then christians.I only have 2 christian buddies n one christian teacher to confide in.but their married.I’m just telling you this because you have this website and you can reach out to others here on the reality of christianity in america.I’m telling you the truth.just look at that pastor who disguised himself as a homeless in his 7000 member church.how they treated him how he was taken out of front pews cause they saw him different.in the beginning of my walk with christ we went to eat in a small restaurant with this singles ministry in a wealthy megachurch I attended then.well this women said ewww this is where the poor people come eat.that church I attended is a 3000 member church and it only had 13 members in the singles ministry.now this small church I attend is like a 100-200 member church and in the singles ministry is like 30-40 people.God knows who is who you can tell where God is moving.I’m barely attending this church so I still havnt got to know others.all the other christian girls I’ve dated or engaged are not from this church.this one is in the lower income side of city.the other one I attended was in the rich part of city.I’m just dissapointed with christianity in America.But Iwill keep walking with christ as geniine as I can be no one is perfect no one but you can tell who’s really trying you can tell.even if I’m the last one walking the path of righteousness I will keep walking even if everyone arose a against me I would tell them cmon bring it on.the only reason I wanted to quit this path its because the same christians are pushing me away.But ill keep walking.God bless…
peacefulwife
January 5, 2014
Ben,
Believers should be primarily concerned only with what Jesus thinks and having His approval. The approval of others can easily become an idol. It used to be for me. But – I decided – with the power of God working in me – I wanted to obey Him no matter what other people think, what other people do or what they say – even in the church. If God’s Word gives me instructions, I want to obey Him – even if it’s weird, even if I’m the only one doing it. If Jesus is my LORD – how can I say “no” to something He commands me to do??
It is my prayer that God’s Spirit will sweep among us in the church in America and around the world and that He might wake us up and change us. Before we run out of time to change.
The church is VERY, VERY sick in America today. We have become extremely infected by worldliness, ungodliness and every imaginable sin. How I pray that God will do whatever it takes to make us strong, vibrant and healthy again. Even if it is painful. Which – it will be.
It is my prayer that every believer might walk in the power of God and be completely devoted to Jesus – seeking His will, His priorities, His plans, His purposes and living as He did, walking in obedience and abiding in God.
Please don’t give up!
In Him,
April
Ben
January 5, 2014
Good afternoon mrs I agree with everything you said I wish I can see genuine brotherhood in the church.people looking out for each other encouraging each other helping each other etc…I will give you an example when I was with the gang it was ran like a FAMILY and they came first.we checked up on each other.no one lacked.we had a treasure box thing where funds were deposited for the members and their families like for bills…and rent food medicines.we gave each other hugs and companionship.I there was only one soup left we would all get a share.one time I got a letter in prison where they told me Ben you have thousands of brothers who love and appreciate you.wow I was willing to kill for them.even though I don’t agree anymore with gangs n their activities they can teach christianity how to treat their brothers and sisters.I now know why God chased me down he knew my heart he knows I’m capable of loving and showing christians how its done.he knows I will embrace a homeless an outcast anyone.he knows if I see someone who is rejected I will go and be his friend.I will sit with a lonely person with genuine intent.I do have a big heart.I always felt something chasing me all my life.it was God.today I saw what a christian woman friend posted on facebook to all women she is an older lady like in her 40’s this is what she wrote…”So many women waste PRECIOUS years of their lives waiting on a CHANGE that never comes.Day after day year after year, they settle with men who represent less than Gods best for them…They squander precious timewith dishonest men who lack character and are unfaithful…The pain will outweigh whatever pleasure that comes from such a relationship”.
peacefulwife
January 10, 2014
Ben,
Your post is up! You are getting a few questions, if you would like to answer them, you are certainly welcome to. 🙂
Ben
January 13, 2014
Hello mrs peacefulgirl greetings thanks for posting my statements.I know you sincerely want to do what is right.We only live once and if were still alive we still have a purpose driven life (yes I already read mr warrens book which, I enjoyed).Many people dont want to believe In God or the bible but this world is getting worse and darker.I just wish to tell you to stay anchored in christ.He is coming back the signs are everywhere.I do want a godly girlfriend/wife but my focus is on Jesus.
Ben
January 13, 2014
Ooops sorry your website name is peacefulwife not peacefulgirl.no disrespect intended.I also forgot to tell you I joined a christian singles group in facebook which I got kicked out of withindays because I critized a friend of an administrator for the site.you see in that site people asked questions and we gave opinions it was an open chat group with thousands of people.one guy asked what we thought of a christian who wasnt attracted to another christian but if he or she won the lottery would we still go out with her or him even though we were not attracted.everyone gave their opininons I gave mine too.I said its hard to find genuine christians this days and people will see past defects and be attracted to such person if he or she was rich.well this guy replied to me he felt offended by my opinion and that he questioned my intellect cause I stated I knew little psychology and everyone joined him and posted claps for that guy and rooted for him.I never disrespected no one or cursed anyone.I responded to him as a christian God saId to search out a matter before answering.I told him what I meant is that it is hard to find genuine christians this days.thats why many known preachers speak about the american church and how sick it is like john piper, billy graham etc…so I get a inbox message telling me to go somewhere else and that I’m no longer welcomed there for critizizing an admins assistant admin.suppossedly they preach love and happiness n fruits of the spirit.its hogwash cause in the bible it says love is patient, longsuffering and selfless.not even one chance they gave me.I just made the guy look bad by telling him that he shouldnt jump to conclusions.I feel God closed that door because he knows those people who run that site are not doing what is right.I don’t agree how they treat christians they just kick them off for no good reason.that’s unchristianlike.they run that group like a club.
peacefulwife
January 14, 2014
Ben,
The church in our culture is very sick today. 😦 Lots of people ignore passages of scripture they don’t like – i.e.: the parts about suffering. I’m glad that God did close that door for you – I think that was a blessing.
Thank you for being true to Christ and His Word!
Ben
January 17, 2014
Hello mrs I agree with you and I know you understand.I dont tell you this things for you to feel sorry for me or pity, no not at all.just to show you how christians are.I undrstand christians should have a change in them like a christlike persona really striving to do what’s right.I don’t understand what that christian singles fellowship was about but I was booted off on the first chance they got.if I was the leader or the guy with final sayso I wouldnt boot no one off or I would investigate or talk to the person but not boot no one off.its unchristlike.I mean if the person is disrespectful or just doing bad things I would talk to the person I would have patience but if person persists then that person has to leave.I would like some advice please? I get confused on how to engage a christian girl like in datingand approaching her, is it the same as engaging a non christian girl.I tend to do it thesame as talking to a non christian girl.I likethis girl In my church I already approached her and talked to her I plan to ask her out soon I kinda approached her in my badboy persona you know she was playing a game in her ipad n I told her I was better than her etc…thats how I broke the ice.lol I don’t want to ruin my chanses cause in church if they see you approaching girls a lot theyll gossip.
peacefulwife
January 18, 2014
Ben,
Teasing that you are better than she is on that game is a great way to break the ice, doesn’t sound too bad boy to me.
Some guys continue and insult women constantly to try to attract them – I don’t agree with doing that. But what you did sounds good.
Jonathan F.
January 28, 2014
Wow, I did not expect such an insightful post and points. I was going to bash on this, but I’ll give my 15 minutes of fame here real quick. The burning part is so true.. There are nice great Guys out there. But for some reason hurting people love to hurt others. I used to dream about the day I could meet that special girl. I’m pretty sensitive my whole life, I’ve had a few girl friends but I’ve always wanted to find that 1. I was the push over guy, acting too serious too soon I guess. The thing I see in a church my friend goes to is girls act snobby, if he’s not your #1 you’re not gonna talk to him. That’s so wrong! Guys as well. We need to treat others with love and openess, doesn’t mean we are together or getting married. If anything we should be more welcoming ya know?? Well long story short, my heart has grown bitter towards females. It really really breaks my heart I allowed this to happen. I wish it would not of have happened. Girls don’t get discouraged; there is someone God has planned for you. Even if there is some of you out there who have been hurt before. I just wish as a man I could fix this bitterness and regain the love I had. Don’t hold onto the hate. Us guys do secretly love you more then anything in the world.
peacefulwife
January 29, 2014
Jonathan F.,
It is a pleasure to meet you. 🙂
Thank you for admonishing believers to treat each other with love and to be welcoming.
I am so sorry to hear that you have bitterness towards women. I have seen that happen with a number of Christian men. It breaks my heart. I can tell you this – God can heal your soul, my precious brother! He can remove the bitterness if you are willing. I pray that you might be free from every trace of it. You can choose to let it go. It is such freedom not to have that toxic poison in our hearts. I pray for God’s greatest glory in your life.
I have some posts on bitterness here.
Jonathan F
January 29, 2014
Pleasure to meet you as well! its a cool perspective to see a girls point of view about this subject. I Just havent had good experiences I guess and I resort to alcohol. I dont really know how to turn to God, And my hate and resentment is just too strong. I dont have a love for others, makes me sad because I would have been the first guy to go after a girl. Ive given up, it hurts but its my choice. Ill read your post on bitterness, thank you.
peacefulwife
January 29, 2014
Jonathan F,
I have seen MANY, MANY single and married men who are full of bitterness because of treatment they have received from women. It breaks my heart.
I used to be consumed by bitterness myself. It is a prison.
Jesus CAN ABSOLUTELY free you from this dungeon and poison – if you are willing to give up the “comfort” of your bitterness.
I personally had to realize that I had to either choose bitterness or Christ. Which, ultimately – was the choice between spiritual death or spiritual life.
I’d be glad to walk beside you on this road to healing in Jesus. It is NOT too late for you, my precious brother!
I have also seen God heal many men and women from bitterness – I can’t do the hard and painful work for you – but I can encourage you, pray for you and walk beside you. 🙂
In Him,
April
Jonathan F.
January 29, 2014
Jeez, I wish I could find someone as caring as you are, let alone friends. You have a big heart I’m jealous! In a good way
peacefulwife
January 29, 2014
Johnathan F.,
You are important to me, and you are important to God. :). I pray you will find some godly friends. A lot of men and women have found healing through God here. I hope you will stick around if you find it helpful.