This is probably going to sound a bit extreme. It is certainly up to you what you do with this area of your life. I am not saying you must do what I do.
But I am saying – this is something to think about and pray about.
“Everything is permissible for me – but not everything is beneficial.” I Corinthians 6:12
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ROMANTIC MOVIES/BOOKS/MUSIC?
There is not necessarily anything wrong with some of these types of media…
BUT –
If you end up feeling upset, deprived, angry, depressed, hopeless, or jealous of the emotions the character gets to feel and the romance she has in the book… if you start creating expectations that men in real life will treat you like the men in books, movies and songs do … then you are getting yourself into trouble.
This can be an issue even with Christian novels that are rated G. It can be a problem with Disney movies. It can even be an issue if you are reading marriage books about what husbands are “supposed” to do.
Focusing on what you want a man to do and who you want him to be can easily create great discontent in your heart.
Remember that
“Expectations are premeditated resentment.”
SO MANY WOMEN EXPECT REAL LIFE MEN TO THINK, FEEL and TALK LIKE THE ROMANTIC LEAD IN THE MOVIES OR IN NOVELS – but these books and movies create an artificial reality – a fantasy.
In fact, some people would say that romantic movies/books are “emotional porn” for women.
And then, if you start getting into erotica – well – then you are dealing with lust. That is sin. Pure and simple. It contaminates your mind, hurts your fellowship with God and distorts your expectations of what sex and intimacy should be like in marriage.
WHY? ISN’T THAT A BIT HARSH?
Well, porn teaches men to expect things of women physically, sexually and emotionally that are not real – that don’t represent actual women. In fact, the more deeply a man goes into porn, the less satisfied he becomes with his real flesh and blood wife. It can actually get to the point where a man cannot be aroused by his own wife, or any real woman – but only by increasingly hard core levels of porn. Porn destroys marriages. It sets up unrealistic expectations and delivers an ungodly outlet for sexuality. It works like a drug, giving the user a huge hit of dopamine exactly like illegal drugs do. Porn takes a man’s eyes and then it takes his heart. He actually bonds with it instead of his wife. It can be pretty difficult for a wife to respect a husband when he withholds himself from her in order to give himself to images of other women. THAT HURTS DEEPLY. Wives are left with huge amounts of disrespect, resentment and bitterness. Those things also destroy marriages.
Romantic movies and books teach women to expect men to be something emotionally and verbally and romantically that doesn’t represent real men accurately. These things set up false expectations and contribute greatly to covetousness, discontentment, lack of gratitude and ultimately – to disrespect for our men. Women also have a cocktail of “feel good” hormones that surge when they read about romance or watch something romantic. We can become so in love with the idea of romance in a world of fantasy that we can’t be satisfied by real romance in real life with a real man.
HERE IS HOW ONE WIFE PUT IT ON MY PEACEFULWIFE BLOG ( I believe this applies to single Christian women, too!):
I think this is a far bigger problem than is acknowledged. It is extremely important for women to guard their ability to be satisfied, to be pleased with what they have. Romance novels feed desires that have no outlet in real life. I avoid them for this reason. In marriage, a wife must learn to feed her gratitude, not her lust. All romance should be owned by her husband, no matter how romantic he may or may not be. Otherwise you are cultivating a taste for other men (real or imagined).
Women complain all of the time about the way porn creates expectations for women that are unreasonable.
Romance novels and movies train a woman’s mind to want a dominant man who can magically guess what will please her and lead her to it before she has to say anything- and he is a top man, wealthy, handsome and he chose her! This is not the way it works in a Christian marriage. This is not the way it works in real life. This does not help Christian women properly value their husbands and the sacrifice and love that they show their wives and families.
Marriage is great at putting things in their proper place. A man gets sex from his one source, not from a constant flow of variety. Women get romance and leadership from one man, but it may not be exactly the way she wants it all of the time. She may actually just get the bare minimum in terms of dominance and romance and that is actually okay- if she can learn to be happy with that.
Romance novels are a way that a woman can be manipulated into feeling her leadership is necessary because if her husband was good at it, like the men in books are, he would be making her feel the way that the men in the books do. Of course this mainly operates at a subconscious level… but when you have weaned yourself from any artificial source of romance, it becomes clearer to you how it massively manipulates your romantic desires.
Supersizing of desire is a real problem.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
This is an issue for single women, too.
First, if you don’t have a man in your life – watching romantic movies or reading romantic novels makes you feel left out. It is easy to start to want what you don’t have and to complain to God that what He has given you is not enough. These kinds of media promote jealousy, selfishness, a sense of entitlement and a spirit of discontent.
If you do have a man in your life – these movies and books can help you decide that he is not “good enough” or that he is not living up to your expectations and standards because you do not feel the way that you think you should feel. Many times, romantic movies/books help women create an idol of “feeling loved” or “feeling in love” that becomes the standard by which she measures men.
Feeling loved and being “in love” are awesome. But when they become your entire goal – or these things become more important to you than the man you love, or more important than knowing and pleasing Christ – that is a HUGE problem.
APPLICATION:
For me, I personally had to stop watching romantic movies and reading even Christian romance novels that were rated G. Anything that contributes to a spirit of discontent, jealousy or unrealistic expectations has to go. I don’t need help stumbling into sin! I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own without any assistance.
Now, if I do see a Disney movie or something, I am able to filter it and dissect the messages it is sending. I believe I could read some rated G novels now without stumbling – but you know what? I have so many more important things to do in the kingdom of God and I want to focus my energy on the real life romance I have and being thankful for my own husband – that I just don’t have the time to spend on fiction.
I personally would much rather spend my time in God’s Word, reading the ultimate Love Letter from Him and getting to know God better. That is MUCH more exciting than fictional romance to me now!
What about you?
Ask God to help you see your motives when you read and watch these things. Ask Him to purify your heart and expectations to line up with His standards instead of lining up your heart with Hollywood. Ask Him to give you wisdom about if there are things that may need to go from your life so that you can be more prepared to receive real riches and treasures.
If you can watch or read these things and not have any temptations – awesome! But if you do have temptations to sin, then it is time to evaluate if this is a beneficial and God-honoring activity.
RELATED:
Breaking the Romance Addiction
The Idol of Marriage and Weddings
Why Many Christian Women Are Not Prepared to Be Godly Girlfriends/Wives Part 1
Why Many Christian Women Are Not Prepared to Be Godly Girlfriends/Wives Part 2
Peaceful Single Girl 
nadiahandaya
August 1, 2013
Reblogged this on Journey of Faith and commented:
Good one! Read a book that discuss about this in the past as well. Good reminder
pray4lovelaugh
August 1, 2013
Tip: Music ALSO acts like a drug, it’s provoking the same chemical in the brain. Courtesy of my young adult leader, did a whole winter retreat about “Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll. Provided great info on it.
peacefulwife
August 2, 2013
That is interesting, Pray4lovelaugh!
pray4lovelaugh
August 2, 2013
Healthy standard example: He doesn’t smoke, and eats right, and helps you do the same. Small things count a lot. He has a job, and he does it well, and comes home and tries to lead and create a caring, nurturing, and calm environment at home. And maybe makes dinner once in a while, maybe you make it for him sometimes.
Unhealthy standard: He provides everything for you. Treats you like a queen, waits on you constantly. and spoils you. Takes you out to dinner every night. etc…
peacefulwife
August 2, 2013
Pray4lovelaugh,
Yes, if you expect certain things, and he doesn’t do them, and you get really mad – that is a big problem.
Those are some good examples!
JC
August 2, 2013
Well, in the place of romance novels for the ideal guy, how about getting a feel for the Holy men of the Bible (many men whom God commended) and their manner/personality for a mental image of a Godly man?
JC
August 2, 2013
Well yeah I mean David was a stud, right? Just sayin’ . . . I mean not every man has to be as hyper-masculine (yet sensitive) skilled or whatever, but those things can be turn-ons for women AND he was a Godly man too.
MpumiNtombela
August 2, 2013
When I got saved I made a choice to limit intake on anything with romantic content because as a single woman I didn’t have an outlet to release the emotions or reactions that were triggered by the content. It works for me.
Informative article and much needed I believe. In the Lord’s prayer we always recite; “… and lead us not into temptation…” but I believe that when we, especially singles, take in content of a romantic nature, we are leading ourselves into temptation.
peacefulwife
August 2, 2013
MpumiNtombela,
I completely agree! What an important point. We are making “provision for the flesh” when we allow ourselves to think and dwell on these things.
Thank you for sharing. I love that!
crimsonviceroy
August 2, 2013
Often times, the fantasies that are the most blatantly fictitious are the ones to easily avoid or at least point out. However, the deceptions and illusions which have a kernel of truth in them mixed with lies that are the most dangerous. We all know that men get a heaping full of scorn and visceral condemnation for pornography, regardless of whether some of us blokes have ever even picked up a Playboy by accident or intentionally. However, romantic literature and especially all this talk about “revitalizing men’s lost masculinity” is rather dangerous territory. I don’t need to go about preaching that just like men are forbidden from idolizing pictures in pornographic magazines and websites, so are women forbidden from idolizing mental imagery of turning their men into the bloody Marlboro man or Brawny man or some half-starved vampire. Of course, it’s the mild subtleties and the half-truths against “boring men” that seems to have a rather pale sense of legitimacy that has infected the church.
Aspiring to live a new life born in the blood of Christ means putting away ALL things of the flesh. It is a constant war of attrition against the flesh to see that which will give in first. With the power of the Holy Spirit, we can conquer such a thing, but the problem comes in personal choice. We have placed such a high premium on sex and romance that that which God values above all, humility in longsuffering and using your relationships and marriages to witness to other’s and bring glory to the Father has taken a severe backburner approach. The question isn’t really “is this man someone who pursuits God with ever fervor in his being as a work in progress in sanctification?” but more so in practicality “is this man sexy enough for me to fall in love with and trust…and yes, he does need to be a man of God?” God looks at our priorities and our HIGHEST priority MUST be of the spirit, not of the flesh. Our thinking is becoming lopsided when these questions are posed instead of spiritual godly questions. We are brothers and sisters in Christ. Our aspirations should be to encourage one another in growing in Christ..to becoming LESS of ourselves and MORE of Him.
JC,
We don’t aspire to be David, or Moses, or Joseph, or Daniel, or Abraham. We aspire to become like Christ. Unlike the patriarch’s I listed, Christ, MORE OFTEN than not was discussed in the Bible as someone who was constantly on His knees in prayer to the Father. He was a humble and contrite servant of God in whom the Father was well pleased. He wasn’t some stud the ladies were swooning about. In fact, in the Bible, He is often described as being rather average in the attraction department: Isaiah 53:2 (NIV) says of Him: “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.” If they prophesize of the Savior and Messiah as someone who had no beauty or majesty to attract us, then how much more would His servants share the same traits as they become less of their sinful selves and take upon more of His character through sanctification? That’s not to say that a man of God couldn’t be handsome or attractive, but a godly man’s priorities will be set upon Heaven, not necessarily acquiring earthly qualities that make him more appeasing and palatable. We are to conform to God, not the world. What the world finds attractive changes on a minute by minute basis and following such a path will end up compromising your walk with God.
When I see the picture of Christ on the Cross, I see the Son in agony in sacrifice for our sins in redeeming us in perfect love. What I don’t see is some glorious “stud” as you like to describe. What I see when I look upon Christ and those that came before to foretell of His coming, is of men in the solitude of darkness they had only God to raise them and that despite all the glory and all the perceived “studliness” as you like to put it, that their hearts were of PRIME FOCUS upon God and His will. David may have been a creature of beauty to all, but it was another testament to God’s grace and providence and His promise to His people in forming a nation governed by a true King. His “studliness” had the practical value of forming a kingdom that God could mold to follow Him and love Him. David’s looks were a grace and blessing from God, not of David’s own personal choosing, just as God had pre-ordained Him to be King of Israel. You hold a blessing that God gave to a man once upon a time, as a type requirement or condition that must be met in order for a man of God to be appealing. That’s false theology and begs the question of where your own heart is set?
You want a story of love..YOU’RE LIVING IN ONE. The love that God has for us transcends all this neo-romantic baloney that seems saturate every pore of the mind nowadays.
peacefulwife
August 2, 2013
crimsonviceroy,
Thank you for sharing and speaking the truth. Amen, it is to be all about Jesus. All for His glory.
We absolutely are living in the greatest Love story of all time when we submit ourselves to Christ and live in His power. Beautiful!
JC
August 2, 2013
Amen that anyone’s masculine/feminine attractiveness takes a back-seat to their fundamental Godly virtues.
What I’m saying is, if a man is going to search for a wife, he might consider the image of the Proverbs 31 woman, which I believe is there for a reason: for a WIFE to get an image in her mind for what to aspire toward, and for a husband to understand what traits to value as he looks for a wife; similarly, a man ought to look at commands addressed to wives and try and perceive if a prospective spouse will at least make an effort to fulfill them. A “quiet and gentle spirit” has a feminine angle, I believe, and ought to be something we learn to value over simple appearances.
I was suggesting that women may be into romance novels because they want a SIMILAR mental image of what a good man is like–men have the Proverbs 31 woman and other things said about how women ought to behave, especially in terms of how they treat their husbands. PW was writing about romance novels’ portrayals of men being lucrative to women but ultimately unrealistic, so alternatively, they might look to biblical men who were REAL and had good qualities INCLUDING those who would make them attractive as husbands–again, to give them a mental picture.
Amen, being Christ-like is what counts! That’s how we hang out with brothers and sisters in Christ who we DON’T marry. But the Bible also has an array of portrayals of real men who pleased God who can also help shape BETTER shape women’s mental image of a good man (not the least of which being his devotion to God of course).
peacefulwife
August 3, 2013
JC,
I definitely agree that we can learn from the examples of godly men in scripture, and of course, Jesus Christ is the ULTIMATE example. No doubt about that!
pray4lovelaugh
August 2, 2013
interesting you mention the “half-starved vampire..” Twilight anyone?? LOL… hate that whole fan-craze… lol
pray4lovelaugh
August 2, 2013
Christ should be our prime focus. It’s more interesting as a love story, and honestly, it’s MORE REAL to LIVE life, not to just watch a romantic movie… just cause it doesn’t end in an hour, doesn’t mean real life can’t be eventually, just as romantic and just as good, better even, than a movie. Guys need to step up though, and girls too, and actually talk and be good friends…
crimsonviceroy
August 3, 2013
The way a man approaches his life in serving God should be the ultimate example of leadership for a woman, REGARDLESS of his supposed machismo. We are NOT Marlboro men and I refuse to settle down and accept some mutated form of Christian masculinity which portrays men as some rugged Grizzly Adam’s with a Bible in his hand in some sick twisted Viagara commercial sense. You need to get the world out of your head, JC. Do you think, perhaps, there is a reason WHY the Bible gives very specific commandments to us regarding the Proverbs 31 wife?
To be better shaped by a man, requires faith, as everything else. It requires faith in God and that faith is rewarded time and time again. In the Bible, God constantly challenges and molds people’s paradigm’s to become blind to the world and open their eyes in the spirit. This requires that despite the urgings of the flesh, we must fight it with every sinew to discipline ourselves to following God’s Word. The very way Jesus lived His life demonstrates all that we need to know regarding authority and humility and the dichotomy that He presents. He only showed authority, “confidence” and “assertiveness” (what the world considers the “cornerstones of masculinity”) when His Father’s law’s and His Word were being besmirched and fraudulently dispensed by the Pharisee’s. Outside of that, he was humble and meek, always on His knees in prayer and in quiet mourning for those He loved and what He had to do to redeem them.
“I was suggesting that women may be into romance novels because they want a SIMILAR mental image of what a good man is like” this just demonstrates a lack of spiritual discernment as well as a bit of an immature statement. Saying something like this is like saying that a man watching pornography is only searching for an image of what a good woman is like. Romantic novels are exactly the same as pornography because it IS fornication and idolatry therefore both are the same in God’s eyes and both are sin. Regardless of the motive behind it, the individual in question committing that sin has to repent of it and turn away from it, regardless of whether or not it comes from a good place. The road to hell is paved on good intentions. Try again, JC.
peacefulwife
August 3, 2013
Crimsonviceroy,
Thank you for pointing us to the amazing example of Christ. You describe His example articulately – such an incredible display of the ultimate godly masculinity.
I don’t believe that JC was saying women should lust after the men in the Bible – replacing lusting after men in romance novels with lusting after men in the Bible. That is not what I hear him say. I think he is talking about women learning about the qualities of godly men – and Christ, of course – and using those when women look for a potential husband.
How I pray that we might ALL forsake the things of this world and the flesh and seek God with all our hearts. That is my prayer for the church around the world today.
JC
August 12, 2013
Yes, Jesus is certainly the standard. The Bible also portrays a variety of men and a woman might think “a good man is like David or Moses or Paul” . . . the list goes on and on. Examples of real men are all over the place in today’s world, but examples of God-approved men are in the Bible and I think it is good for women to have a standard in mind for potential husbands as well as an understanding of their thoughts (lots of introspective men). It might also help them understand what sorts of emotional injuries today’s men sustain.
For example, as a man, I was interested in working out, I picked up heavy weights and thought “can I really do this? I’m a violinist!” I’ve never heard of violinists powerlifting and it felt like QUITE an opposite activity to making music, the sensitivity involved and fine motor skills. But then I thought of David! He drove an evil spirit out of King Saul because his music was so beautiful and excellent, and he was also a ferocious warrior! Weighing 195 pounds I can lift 365, and the activity (scientifically speaking) raises testosterone and I love finding ways of making that go back into other activities that I do–feeling the positive effects of the male hormone in other things. 😉 So to me, as a man, the thought of king David stretched my understanding of breaking the ideas of “categories” of ways a man can be. I can imagine that strong men (as in much stronger than I) might contemplate . . . well, am I supposed to be a cave man or Clint Eastwood? No way!
IDK maybe I’m just digging my hole deeper here. I am NOT advocating women having some kinds of sexual fantasies with men in the Bible or anything like that! I’m a man myself, and men of the Bible help ME understand men and what a good man can be. Surely thinking upon different kinds of men of the Bible can help women understand men too! For women, we have Proverbs 31 among other things, to help men understand women, and women understand women.
God bless y’all. 🙂
peacefulwife
August 12, 2013
Thanks, JC!
Mrs. John Jennings, Jr.
August 16, 2013
The reason romance novels are not a good idea is that it sets us up for a principle that is not Biblical. Romance is not equated with true Biblical love. Biblical love is about commitment, dedication, doing the right thing. In 1 Corinthians 13, we do not see romance listed, nor will you see it anywhere in Scripture, to the best of my knowledge. Fantasy is not something we should engage in as it sets the mind on things not real and places unreal expectations. We are told the heart is deceitful and not to be trusted. Romance and fantasy evoke emotions that are not trustworthy and places unreal expectations on any partner we choose in life.
Too many thing that being practical when it comes to love is not fun, but far too often in the counseling sections I have done over the years I come across more young ladies dissatisfy with love due to their unreal expectations from their partners. Their disappointment keeps them from the depth of a truly profound relationship based on concrete concepts of true love. Romance fades, true love does not. It is the true foundations of love that stays when romance waxes away. I fell into the trap of romance and it has been hard to learn in marriage the true value of love. It was not until I matured in the true understanding of love that I was able to give into my marriage the right kind of convictions. Fantasy has the root in the fact that the enemy of our soul fancied himself equal with God that is the root understanding of fantasy, unreal expectations, based of an altered reality, an unreal reality. Romance requires fantasy. It is a slippery slope and a hard one to get off of.
Mrs. J.
peacefulwife
August 16, 2013
Mrs. J,
Thank you so much for sharing! This is such an important message. I love the way you explained the dangers of romantic fantasy. Would you consider allowing me to use this comment as a post, please?
RG
August 25, 2013
Very good points!
The bible also says that charm is deceitful, so I’m puzzled why so many Christian single women make that one of their highest priorities and qualifiers for any man they might wish to enter a relationship with.