First, I don’t think you are way off on what you’ve told women when it comes to approaching men, etc. I think you’ve actually told them a lot of good ideas. It’s not like you’ve said:
- “be a wallflower”
- “never go introduce yourself”
What you’ve said is basically, “Don’t chase guys, don’t ask them out, don’t incessantly text them, etc.” I really think that is right on. I do think that it can be taken to the extreme. For instance, once you are in a relationship, texting back is good. You don’t have to play hard to get – you just don’t want to slide into control the relationship mode. (From Peacefulwife – I agree. Please do text guys back. Don’t purposely ignore him or be mean to him or try to make him jealous. But do continue having a full, rich life with Christ, your church, your friends and family and your schedule.)
I don’t think I’ve ever been asked out. I mean I was single forever so I may be forgetting something but I don’t think so. I’m not sure how I would have reacted. It probably would depend on whether I liked her or not. Haha.
I think most men would rather ask her out. I would say a couple of caveats to that.
- The point the guy made about mixed signals is pretty valid. It’s not always fair but women sometimes do send them. Sometimes they are just being friendly and sometimes frankly they just change their minds. That can get tricky.
- I think it’s ok if a girl approaches a guy. Sometimes we need some encouragement. And I even think occasionally a fun line like, “so are you going to ask me out or what?” can be good. But if you are using that line a lot, something is off. (From Peacefulwife – that is a REALLY direct line – be VERY sure before you use that – and if you do, definitely use it in a flirty way. But I still think that generally waiting on the guy to ask you out is wise.)
- I think guys want to know the answer before they pursue. Who doesn’t. But it can be tough. The part of the conversation on that post about if it’s just a date why can’t you ask, is a great one – from both sides. Especially in Christian circles we up the ante so fast sometimes it’s crazy. Again, on both sides.. Just ask us out, but guard our hearts, but don’t over think it, but pursue us, but don’t be to fast etc. But I kind of tell guys, “so what, get over it and move on”
I feel like most of the women I dated the last three or four years let me pursue or not. Sometimes I didn’t handle that perfectly but I didn’t feel controlled. But then again, I would be done if it happened so I might not be the best litmus test for that. But one thing I appreciated about my girlfriend now is that she let me call her and didn’t assume it was going anywhere. I remember this one time on what was probably our 5th or 6th date she said basically:
“I’m glad I met you. Even if this doesn’t go anywhere, it’s been really good to know you and see a good man etc”.
Brilliantly played by her and of course made me want more. Really until recently she pretty much never calls me first. I’ve called her every day for the last year. But that is us. (From Peacefulwife – Greg called me every day the whole 6 years we were dating. I only called him if there was some kind of emergency. We never talked about that, it’s just what we did. But it worked really well for us, too.)
Two more thoughts
First I think the key to this whole thing is principals not rules. I think you do a good job of that by the way. But it’s not a formula. There are so many different scenarios, stories, wounds, etc. There are also different ages. 22 and unmarried is COMPLETELY different than 32 and unmarried. I think that women have to work to put themselves out there. If I were a 32 year old woman, I’d be on e-harmony etc. Effort is good, control is bad and that is a fine line. But we need to just know that we aren’t working with dogma here. In Christianity we often like to make dogma out of practice and that is usually a bad idea. That is where we move from relationship to religion.
Finally the leadership in the relationship thing is tough. I was usually at first just trying to figure out if I want to hang out with the person. Then I wanted to know – could they go where I’m going? But that requires knowing where I’m going. Two things about leadership (and this isn’t just dating)
1. You have to actually be going somewhere.
2. Someone has to actually be following you.
That sounds simple but honestly those two things often get left out.
I think once it’s heading toward marriage, it’s on. And once you are engaged its even more on. To me that is where you really start to assume the roles. Before that it’s tricky. But I think you say a lot of good stuff about this. It might be more about being aware of and avoiding the traps of control, manipulation etc than about how exactly you do all of that.
IamHis
April 16, 2013
I had a non-Christian pursue me when I was sixteen years old. I literally did not have to do anything. It was all him, moving towards me. I didn’t have to flirt back, show interest, anything like that. He won me over after three years of intense work. Obviously, it didn’t work out because he didn’t share my faith, but I have always wanted that ever since. A man who would work for me. Jacob worked 14 years for Rachel, and I doubt she had to “make sure he knew she was interested.” To me, that’s worth the wait. I want that kind of love.
peacefulwife
April 16, 2013
IamHis,
Thank you for sharing your story – it’s sad that the guy who pursued you wasn’t a believer. But yes, the feeling of being pursued is amazing.
I am sure that Rachel smiled and flirted with Jacob – at least a little bit! 🙂 I bet you smiled at that guy a bit, too.
I don’t think men will attempt to approach a woman who never smiles at them and won’t talk to them and shows zero interest.
But yes, it would be ideal if the guy pursued you that way. My husband definitely pursued me. Thankfully, he wasn’t too pushy about it or I would have bolted – a lot of guys pursued me and pressured me – and I would run.
My prayer is that you will be using this time to prepare to be a godly woman and possibly wife – and that God will make things clear to you each step of the way.
Thanks for the comment!
I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!
TrulyBlessed
April 16, 2013
My husband pursued me in high school. He was very shy and I did have to let him know that it was ok to like me and to be attracted to me, but he did the initiating and pursuing. He caught me. I only flirted back. Well over a decade and 4 kids later, I’m glad I allowed him to do the flirting. It gave him the confidence to continue to do so in our marriage. It also gave me the self-confidence to know that he is head-over-heels for me and I caught his attention. He was the fisherman and I was the fish, not the other way around. That makes me feel confident in his feelings toward me even still today, 12 years later.
IamHis
April 16, 2013
My problem is fear. The more I care about the person, (or sometimes the more attracted I am to the person pursuing me,) I will literally shake sometimes. or I freeze. Guys take this as disinterest, or “crazy.” I know God doesn’t want me to be afraid of relationships with men, but I still struggle with it a great deal.
peacefulwife
April 16, 2013
IamHis,
I have an assignment for you! Look up the verses you can find about fear in God’s Word and do a study on that. Memorize the verses about God’s promises and how He talks about not being afraid and why you don’t have to be afraid. Replace those fearful thoughts with the truth of God’s Word. 🙂
A spirit of fear is from the enemy – not from God! God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and a sound mind.
Much love to you! 🙂
pray4lovelaugh
August 30, 2013
1 Timothy 1:7. 🙂 awesome scripture btw! One of my fav memory verses!
pray4lovelaugh
August 30, 2013
If a girl doesn’t do very much other than bible study or a couple select sports that guys aren’t interested in, how likely is it that a guy would notice someone who dresses nicely and all that, if I only see and talk with him in the sunday school class, it’s very unlikely he’d even take any interest as dating. It’s hard how to know when to start talking to the guy, I mean, just talking/asking for a number/email, doesn’t mean you’re dating, it means you’re interested in being friends… I get the feeling I just don’t ask because I feel like the guy should pursue, when he doesn’t, I get the feeling they don’t like me or they don’t find me attractive at all. Which actually is true considering I tend to never do very much to be attractive. Varying reasons for that, including just not being capable of time management and having trouble with basics, much less the extras like job applications and hair-dos… well, jobs are the basics of living.
pray4lovelaugh
August 30, 2013
Of course, it kinda hinders enjoyment of singleness when you don’t master the first steps/life skills.
pray4lovelaugh
August 30, 2013
One thing I am thankful for from God is that I finally have a “sound mind”, where I know a few years ago, I didn’t. I need to work on memory verses again like that one. I also need to stop listening to media and negative info. Almost constant source of destruction, so turning off the computer and tv would help. 🙂
peacefulwife
August 30, 2013
P4LL,
You can definitely go up to guys and introduce yourself, be friendly, etc.
Some guys are shy – the fact he doesn’t ask doesn’t necessarily mean he is not interested.
I would suggest talking to some guys and being friendly. 🙂
pray4lovelaugh
August 30, 2013
thanks. 🙂
pray4lovelaugh
August 30, 2013
In other words, how does someone go “the extra mile”, when they’re barely making the first mile?
Andrea-Renee
January 19, 2014
I have a younger guys friend (25 to my 27) I called him little brother. He call me big sister most of the time it is flirtatious bewteen us. I been trying to get my crushing on him due to the fact I know he is a man of god and probably not for me. He likes hang out with me. I care for. Advice?
peacefulwife
January 19, 2014
Andrea-Renee,
Why is he not for you?
Why do you flirt with him?
What is it that you want from the relationship?